Steve Warz: Trilogy 9

by The Compendium of Steve

Even with the galaxy returned to normal, Sylvia Ssi-Ruuk remains despondent over the loss of her husband. But after much waiting, she and the rest of the Jedi will journey to distant realms to find Squishy and bring him home. What trials will await them, and will they be successful? They mustn't hesitate. (Transcribed by the rather distracted overmind2000)

4. Jo's Trial

The Trial

of

Joseph Webbol

(Darkness)

Jo: Oh not again! Well at least this time I can't see myself. Why does it feel like a closet?

Hello Joseph.

Jo: Bwuh! Who said that? Hacksaw?

You are among the first of the original Jedi. Not only that, but their defacto leader. A position both highly lauded and highly respected, and you behaved accordingly to your station. But over the years something changed. Although you held importance and relevance in the grand story, you also began to lose something else: Your integrity.

You became more vain, selfish, worrisome about your looks. Simply put, you became a china doll with Force powers. In the end, looks and recognition were all that really mattered to you. In my world I find such indulgences weak, and utterly disgusting coming from what was once a high-standing individual. Now you are here to prove if your immaculate looks reflect your inner self, or is merely a fragile mask to cover for a personality that had shriveled up long ago.

Jo: Who're you calling a china doll? You're not exactly a real boy yourself.

Step through the door and face your trial.

Jo: What door? Oh wait, there's a knob here.

(Sound of a knob turning, then lights flood the screen. We enter a swinging discotech to the accompaniment of groovy lights, fabulous fashion and the disco remix of Beethoven's 5th : The luxuriant era of the 1970's. Jo walks in and stops past the club's entryway, revealing himself decked out in a spiffy blue and white leisure suit. His hair is slightly afro-ish, and he checks himself out)

Jo: What the h***? Daaayy**, I'm looking fresh! Where is this place, anyway?

(A nearby jukebox plays a disc with a gruff voice)

Jigsaw: It's Friday night and the lights are low. The party is fiery hot and the ladies gather to fan the flames of desire.

Jo: A recording? Man that's bogus!

Jigsaw: However, it is one thing to look the stud. You also need confidence and charisma to back up the goods. Within this club are 30 sensual women, all of them looking for a good time. You are to sway these ladies to your very whim, make them move with your every step before the stroke of midnight. A man of your professed expertise should have no problem accomplishing such a feat. Then again, were you ever so fly in your world? Get laid or sleep alone; make your choice. Let the game begin. (End recording)

Jo: Til midnight? (Looks up at overhead clock to see it 30 minutes to 12) Typical: 30 dames in 30 minutes. No problem. (Huffs and swings arms) I can do this. I am the Man!

(Gives a twirl and walks off to the bar with a soul swagger as "Night Fever" sets in. He approaches a lone woman in a green dress by the bar. He's somehow grown a sexy mustache)

Jo: Hey baybuh: How bout I slip you out of those dry clothes and into a wet martini?

Woman: Excuse me?

(Jo's mustache falls off)

Jo: Ya want a drink?

Woman: Get away from me!

(Storms off. Jo leans against the bar and huffs)

Jo: Doesn't matter. That just means 29 more lucky ladies for me.

(Struts off. He comes upon two ladies chatting it up near one of the far tables)

Jo: Hey, you two look a little lonely. Maybe you can come with me and I can care for you oh so nicely.

(Woman in a red dress tosses a drink onto his suit)

Woman: Your threads got a stain. You could care for that oh so nicely.

(They both giggle and walk off, leaving Jo looking quite burned)

Jo: That's alright. I saw that coming. I know how things work, and the next one will be THE one.

(He walks off. He comes to a table and sits with the woman there)

Jo: Has anyone ever told you what gorgeous eyes you have?

Woman: Are you saying that just to get into my dress?

Jo: Aren't all souls dresses in one form or another?

(Woman gets up and throws her drink in Jo's face)

Woman: Perv!

(Walks off. Jo just sits there with cocktail dripping off his face)

Jo: I am feeling quite parched.

(Wags himself off and heads for the bar. Once there)

Jo: Barkeep! Get me a drink! (Cracks knuckles while waiting) Gotta get my jiggy juice. I need to focus and flow like a sex panther. (Martini glass presented to him) Thanks man. (Downs drink in one gulp) Now back to work.

(Tosses away glass and continues the hunt. He comes to a fiery Latina in a satin dress)

Woman: What do you want, gringo?

Jo: I only want you to check out my new shoes. (Reveal him wearing platform shoes) Custom made 6+ inches. Offers you more man than you can handle.

Woman: Sounds like a personal problem to me.

Jo: Not unless you're in it with me. Grrow.

(Lady snaps fingers and several banditos crowd around Jo's ankles making mechanic noises. They disperse to show Jo without his added 6 inches, revealing his shortness to the lady)

Jo: NO! You jacked my height!

Woman: Don't try playing that fake height game with me, pendejo.

(Snaps fingers then sashays off. Jo returns to the bar)

Jo: Two shots o' Jack.

(Two shot glasses are presented and he downs them both. Now he goes over to a short black lady)

Jo: You lookin' for a wild ride, honey?

Woman: I don't know bout that. But if you're really man enough, then you should take it up with my boyfriend Tiny.

Jo: Tiny? Where is this guy? I'll slug him one two then you and I can— (A huge black man of muscle and 8 feet walks over) Why do I fall for the apparent set-up?

(Some punching noises and Jo is thrown hard against a wall and onto the ground. He slowly gets up, only to be conked by a falling dart board. At the bar he downs four shots. Now he swaggers over to some ladies by a jukebox)

Jo: Hey ladies: Here's something I learned in, uh, er, Korea. (Hits jukebox with fist. "If You Were Gay" starts playing) Hey that's not right. (Hits juke again. "YMCA" starts playing) Hey!

(Hits it again. "Raining Men" plays. Hits it repeatedly only to get more gay songs. The girls walk away, very much annoyed. At the bar, Jo drinks from a lady's slipper. Now he's with some blonde close to the bar)

Jo: You know, chica, I invented the Internet.

Woman: What's the Internet?

Jo: Oh duude! I'm like totally undressing you with my mind! Ugh… Is that a mole or a third nipple, cuz I'm cool with that.

(Get slaps s**tless by dame. Now Jo drinks from a funnel as frat boys tell him to chug. Later)

Jo: Hey there sweet thing, why the long face?

Horse: Swell, another comedian.

(Jo gets bucked in the face for his trouble. At the bar, the bartender is pouring up a fresh martini glass)

Jo: That's not gonna cut it, man. I need the extra stuff.

(Bartender brings up Das Boot from "Beer Fest" and fills it up. Later Jo is holding the empty boot next to slot machine)

Jo: (Talking to machine) Come on, baby! I need someone to care for me. Love me please! (Starts feeling it up) Yeah, don't hide it. I know you like it. Yeah, I like it too. (Starts kissing it all over) Oh baby… (Kiss) You know how to turn me on. (Kiss kiss) Let's run away. (Kiss) Far away.

(He gets all over the machine, kissing and touching. Then its lever shoots up between Jo's legs and hits his groin, making him keel over)

Jo: AAAAAHH! My Manberries! Oooh and ow ow ow! I getcha too? Yeah, you're excited. You know how to treat a man right.

(Continues to feel up and embrace the machine, until it falls over and crushes him)

Jo: (Pained) Ack! My ribcage! Gack, hack!

(Now we're shown the clock at 11:50, and Jo is slumped at the bar all dirty and looking like s**t. He holds up a shot glass)

Jo: Here's to me! (Downs shot) And to the most humiliating night of my life. (Tosses glass in frustration) What does all this mean anyway? That I'm not sexy? Peh! I'm still good. I am the KING! (Starts pouting) Who am I kidding? I'm terrible; a complete fraud! When did I lose my game? Did I even have game to begin with? Oh man I'm SO DRUNK! (Continues silly pouting)

Patron: Hey shut up! And take some mints; your breath smells like a**!

Jo: BAH what do you know? No mint could ever cleanse me of all the lies I have told myself! No mint could ever erase the emotions that rupture my words! And there's no "could" that could further explain why I'm such waste of skin and magnificent hair, hopelessly frittering away my life trying to assert my fragile mascuuuuuuuuu—

(There's a display of mints nearby on the bar, and the highest mint of all is a tin of Altoids)

Jo: (Eyes shining) My Mojo!

(Rushes to the display and snatches the tin with indescribable joy on his face. He slowly brings his hand up to the tin, grab its lid, and begins to open it. When it's open, lo and behold there are the well-rounded confections, giving off a soft, white glow that bathes Jo's face in refreshing glory. An angelic choir plays as Jo raises the tin over his head and dumps the contents into his salivating mouth. He swishes them with sheer rapture on his face, then the choir raises its volume as a great fresh minty aura rushes from him. His outfit is free of stains, pressed, crisp, and his hair has gained its former luster. He holds the sexy stance of Ron Burgundy, his eyes aglow with blue fire)

Barkeep: (Tapping Jo's shoulder) Hey, buddy, you have to pay for those. Buddy? You listening to me?

(Gets hand in face and shoved forcefully back with a crash by Jo)

Jo: (Sexy British Accent) Oh Behaaave!

(Gives a twirl and struts off, "Staying Alive". There's a new soul in his step as he walks past the patrons with a suave, confident look of sensual persuasion. People all around notice him and look on as he struts along. He passes one amazed black man)

B. Man: D***, that's a smooth-a** honky. What's your secret, brother?

Jo: (Still British) Wouldn't be a secret if I said, mate. This turkey of a club is in some serious need of Jive-a-lation. Yeah baby, Yeah!

(Does a side flip onto a lower landing and continues his stride. The Channel 6 News Team comes up behind him, prompting other attendees to follow. When Jo reaches the dance floor everyone forms a circle as he stands in the center)

Jo: (British) Let's get this house a shaggin': The Jo Way.

(Snaps a whipcrack look at the juke box, causing it to insert a new disc. "Long Train Running" by the Doobie Brothers starts playing, and after getting his foot tapping to the rhythm, Jo does the funky thang in tune to the beat. He strikes poses, waves his arms, thrusts and undulates his hips, and does other delicious moves that make men shudder and women tremble. As the dancing goes on women start joining in, dancing in synch to Jo's moves. More ladies flock to him as the song progresses and the temperature rises, until)

?: What is going on here?

(The music stops and everyone looks. Marching to them is a lone man in ghetto pimp wear with a train of 10 black-clad ladies behind him. They stop before the circle, which has parted to show Jo and his posse. The man stands before them in grand purple clothes and with a cane before him. His face is overshadowed by a huge feathered felt hat)

Jo: (British) Who's this fine chap?

Some Guy: The club owner…

Owner: So what is this? Taking all these beauties with your fancy moves? Ridiculous! In this club, only the purest intentions of love are allowed. Not this strutting and presenting. You, sir, are most slanderous and depraved to have swoon these damsels with your sexually-charged air. Most undignified!

Jo: (Brit) I mean no rudeness to you sir, and I do respect the ladies, but I am doing all this for a reason. I need every swingin' lass in this club to adore me if I wish to survive.

Owner: Every lass, huh? Well I just happen to have the last ten. (Arm wave shows) I have gained the devotion of all these ladies through years of understanding, communication and passion. It will take a lot more than your "sexy" moves to bring them to your side.

(Silence. Jo glances at the clock to see 3 minutes left)

Jo: I'm in a rush, so I'll just end this with my best move of all. Brace yourselves, everyone: it's about to get Ultra Randy.

(Star Wars disco mix starts playing as Jo initiates... Booty Crank Mode! A funky groovy light show comes off him, making his group go crazy with funk. After a while the owner's ladies become mesmerized and walk over to Jo one by one)

Owner: Hey, wait, where are you going? I thought we had something!

(An Asian woman round-house kicks him, knocking a silhouette man flying out of the pimp clothes. The silhouette goes zooming across the club and busts through the entrance doors)

Silhouette: I've been Jilteeeeeeeeeeed!

(Doors slam shut. Back on the floor, everyone is dancing to Jo, working the dance floor and his entourage like a smooth operator. When the song reaches its finale, the whole group strikes a pose as the clock strikes midnight. There is a great ringing before everything goes dark)

---

(He's hazy, as if hungover. He slowly gets up, somewhat achy. He's back in his Jedi robes which are slightly damp)

Jo: Uh maaaaaan… Where all the white women at?

(He finally notices his surroundings. He is in a derelict underground room. The stone walls have holes and peeling paint, and a single fluorescent light hangs overhead, blinking. A few meters in front of him, the opposite wall is bathed entirely in shadow for some reason. The steady drip of water echoes from somewhere)

Jo: Where the—?

So there is substance behind the sexy.

Jo: What, you again? What is your deal? I've done your stupid trial; send me back to the others!

While you have proven your ability to entice, you have also further affirmed your true weakness: Yourself. You are so self-absorbed that on numerous occasions you have endangered others whilst being distracted with your own narcissism. Your value of your image is what has kept you going all these years. However, if you wish to live beyond this point, you will need to sacrifice that which you hold most dear.

Jo: What I hold most dear? Just what exactly would that be… (Realization strikes him, his eyes widens as he reaches up to touch his hair) No. No, you can't mean…?

(From the shadows before him, a handgun floats into sight)

This gun is set to fire at your most prized possession: that which you have slaved over with your very soul. To survive this trial, all you have to is remain still. If you do so when the gun goes off, then I will send you back to your friends. But if you should move in any way, or try to affect the course of the bullet with your powers, you will remain trapped in here, subjected to my harmonious laughter, as will any of your comrades who pass their respective trials.

It is a simple matter of self-improvement. A chance to "kill your darling" so you may grow as a person, to break away from your obsession and focus on those who are most important. Then again, you may find that life without your personal trophy isn't worth living. So I ask you: which is more important? The success and safety of your friends, or the centerpiece of your cherished looks?

Jo: What the h**l, man? Why do you have such a beef with how I present myself? Why's it such a big deal to you?!

There is no point questioning the rules; you either follow them, or die. (Gun cock noise) You have ten seconds to make your decision.

(A digital red timer pops up above the pistol, counting down. Time slows to milliseconds as Jo deliberates at the speed of light)

Jo: (Thoughts) Oh f**k he wasn't kidding! Okay let me think. Think think think think think… Why should I be thinking this? The answer's easy: just jump out of the way and bust my way out. Wait no how would that work? I don't know how I got here, and there's no door. For all I know I'm floating in deep space or something. Why am I even considering jumping out of the way? Just deflect the bullet and make it seem like it hit but did nothing. Yeah yeah, that could totally work! Hold on, why are you thinking like that, Jo? You're seriously wanting to jeopardize everyone's lives for yourself? For your hair? My god, am I seriously that vain? Oh god, what have I become? Is this, is this really the kind of life I've been living for myself? That makes me more of a total a**hole. Am I nothing more than dashing good looks? I really need to reach deep down in myself and decide exactly how much of a person there is within— (Timer hits zero) Oh f*** no time for that! Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah SCREW IT!

(The gun fires, the bullet coming straight at him. Jo shuts his eyes and grimaces, remaining in place as the bullet blows through his hair, leaving a sizable hole in the space over his head. After a few seconds, his hair explodes into a million wispy follicles, leaving him bald. He opens his eyes, falls to his knees and goes hysterical)

Jo: (Hysterical pouting breath) MY HAIR! MY BEAUTIFUL HAIR! (He grabs hopelessly at the flurry of strands falling around him)

Jo: (Whiny mumble) This can't be real... No Way! WHY!?WHHHHYYYYYYYYY!?

(Brings hands to face and cries deeply. There's a squeaking noise, and from the darkness comes the Jigsaw doll. It is riding a pimped-out tricycle with jewel-encrusted rims and slick colors. He stops short before Jo, who looks up at him)

Jigsaw: Congratulations: You have killed your obsession. This a very momentous step.

Jo: Just go F*** OFF you Geppetto Knob-Sucking Freak! LOOK AT THIS! LOOK AT ME!

Jigsaw: You should be rejoicing, Joseph. You have just proven that you can surpass your vanity for the good of others, as well as yourself. That spells hope for the restoration of your integrity. In my opinion, all stories should have characters like that, who triumph over their base obsessions and become wholesome, upstanding heroes.

Jo: I don't give a d**n about that model citizen virtuous S**T! You can just go ram all that fluff talk up your A** and F**K A GOAT YOU ****!

Jigsaw: You may be upset now, but in time you'll come to accept this loss as a necessity. Besides, you were much better off without that carpet smothering your brain. (A green portal appears on the wall) This concludes your trial: You have passed. Now step through, and enter a world of renewed potential. Hopefully your friends will be there waiting for you. If not, you'll just have to be my little cue ball for all eternity.

Jo: B***ard…

(Jo slowly gets up, then sulks away into the portal. It disappears and we turn to darkness)

My ladies of the night *whimper*…

End Trial