A/N: Oh my God. Thank you all so much for the reviews and suggestions! I love you all platonically! This is really just a filler chapter until the next time the Akatsuki meet with Sakura, so it's written a little differently.

Disclaimer: I don't earn any money from Naruto.

Tobi was enjoying the pleasant smell of pine trees as he skipped merrily through the warm glade. Beautiful sun, beautiful clouds, beautiful rock, beautiful open window…

Wait. Open window?

Then, Tobi remembered! He was supposed to be guarding this place, not skipping around it! This was a special Akatsuki base…the one where Leader-sama and the Lady of a Thousand Paper Cuts always stayed.

The window was open, so it had broken the genjutsu seal hiding the small home. Tobi stared at it. He stared at the random open window hovering in the air and he struggled against the instinct to be a very naughty little boy.

"Tobi is a good boy?" he asked the sky pathetically, unable to hide his whimpering tone from the vast blue expanse.

When he received no reply, he said, "Tobi will be a good boy later" and bounded over to the floating window. He ducked down underneath it and tilted his head up, listening to the conversation going on inside…

"She keeps giving me this weird look, like she's trying to see inside the cloak"

"You're not fat, Konan. Paranoid, maybe, but not fat"

"You don't understand, Pein-san. We girls can tell these things. I'm telling you that Pinky thinks I'm chubby! I can see it in her eyes!"

"Emotion other than bitchiness doesn't suit you. Leave me"

"Leave you? Leave you?! You know what, LEADER-SAMA? I think I'll do just that. I'll just pack up my stuff and go with Deidara and Tobi. Yes! I'll leave you here at night with nothing to do except moan about your seven sets of unsatisfied needs! What do you think about that?"

At this point, Tobi became aware of Deidara as the bomber tried to stuff his fist in his mouth. The blonde man had crept out of the woods to join his partner in his eavesdropping, but had found laughter almost irresistible. Deidara looked up at his partner with tears of laughter in his eyes. "Good boy, Tobi" he mouthed, though the motion was impeded by the hand he'd shoved in his oral cavity.

Inside, Pein was staring at his rampaging lover. For once his eyes didn't broadcast instant death. Instead, he seemed to be saying "oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit" with those freakishly patterned orbs.

"No. Don't leave. I apologize".

"Apologize for what?!"

"For telling you to go away"

"and…"

"For not believing you about Sakura! For not believing you about Sakura!" Kisame hissed.

He too had come to see Pein about the effects of the last meeting, but had been sidetracked by the clump of criminals eavesdropping on a domestic argument. The blue man was crouching down beside Deidara, holding his fist in front of his chest in hopes that Leader-sama would get the message.

Pein was too late. He struggled to figure out what else he'd done wrong, but failed.

"You're hopeless" Konan said acerbically, and the three interlopers heard the door to Pein's office slam shut.

The three criminals were completely silent as they heard their Leader stand up, making his chair screech against the wood. They held their breath as they heard him approach the window, and then, they sighed as they heard the window quietly close.

"Hn"

Kisame, Deidara, and Tobi spun around, all reaching for weapons to attack the addition to their posse. Well, Tobi tried, but he ended up on his ass as usual.

The four men glared at each other (minus Tobi, who was rubbing his butt as he stood up).

"Itachi. Why are you here?"

"Kisame. Why do you suddenly have a right to ask?"

The shark-man paled. It had been a while since he'd forgotten how to speak to his partner, but he remembered the incident well enough to make him lose his voice.

"Uchiha-san. With all due respect, what does bring you here, un?" Deidara boldly asked. He was the most likely of them to disregard Itachi's authority, but he tried to keep his tone suffocatingly polite.

With a barely raised eyebrow, Itachi slowly turned his head towards the crazy bomber.

"I felt my genjutsu faltering. It was my duty to dispose of the intruders"

The three eavesdroppers either stopped breathing or gulped loudly.

"But Itachi-san" Tobi cried out. "Please don't tell on us! Or kill us! We just wanted to know what was going on!" The masked man was sniveling, bobbing up and down with his hands clasped in front of his chin.

The Ice Bitch looked from man to man, betraying no emotion as he carefully observed them. Kisame was frozen on the spot and Deidara was staring Itachi down, chewing his tongues in anxiety.

"I will not mention the matter to Leader-sama; but, only because it appears that he will be in an increasingly bad mood for the next few days. Perhaps when Konan moves back in..."

"Okay, fine!" Kisame said, breaking his petrified form in order to sigh and cross his arms over his chest again. He had a habit of doing that, especially when he was nervous.

"Thank you, Itachi-san" Deidara said, forcing himself into a small, suspicious bow. He didn't raise himself up until he heard the swish of Itachi's cloak die away through the tall grass. When he lifted his gaze again, Kisame was gone as well.

"Can't believe the zombie twins missed that, un" He said, shoving his hand into his pouch for some clay. Whatever he had to say to Leader could wait. Icy was right when he said that Pein would be a bit…frustrated…for the next few days.

"Tobi thinks that Hidan-san and Kakuzu-san must be very busy making Sakura-san's room nice and pretty for her!"

"Yeah" Deidara said with a malicious smile, "I'm sure they're making her feel right at home".

"AGHHHH"

"So you are a virgin" Kakuzu pressed, putting his arm around the back of Sakura's chair. His eyes were hard as they contemplated the shaking girl next to him.

"I'm not sleeping with any of you!" Sakura hissed, trying to jerk her hands out of their cuffs and run away from the sewn man.

"That's not what he fucking meant" Hidan drawled from his spot by the stove.

Sakura ignored him, continuing to struggle. She was halfway to ignoring her kunoichi training and letting her emotions have free reign; after all, they already knew how she really thought.

"Of course that's not what I meant" Kakuzu purred. Sakura raised an eyebrow. Was he seriously trying to sound soothing?

"He just wants to rent your hot little ass off to a bunch of shit-head old men, and he fucking needs to know that kind of stuff" Hidan supplied, adding the flavoring to the ramen on the stove.

Sakura felt her stomach tighten in disgust. She had to swallow to keep down the bile that rose in her throat. She faintly heard Kakuzu explain that everyone else who stayed with the Akatsuki had to earn their keep…why not her?

"NO! I'd rather die!" she screamed, rocking backwards so forcefully that she almost made the chair tip backwards. The rickety seat tottered on two legs for a second, but Hidan casually reached across the table with his scythe and used it as a hook to pull the chair back down to the floor.

"That could be arranged" he said, shoving a mouthful of ramen into his cussing pie-hole.

"No. It can't!" Kakuzu whined petulantly. "She's going to be kept alive for weeks, using up our food and medicine! She should be doing something to make up for the deficit! Since her body is the only thing she's got on her…"

"Shut it, you fucking scrooge" Hidan growled. "I'm eating".

"You just want her kept whole so that she'll be a good sacrifice" Kakuzu muttered, getting up to get himself some ramen.

"Sooooooooo…?" Hidan sneered. "Sasori wanted to use her as a puppet. Deidara wants her to confirm his fucking manhood. And Itachi wants to use her as a piece of snake bait. I'm practically being fucking nice"

Sakura's breath had leveled out. Talking about pimping her out had rattled her, but now they were revealing organization secrets again. She could revert to reconnaissance-ninja mode and do her job.

"You people know Sasori wanted to turn me into a puppet?" she asked, pretending to sound confused in order to cover her desperate curiosity.

"Why do you think stupid Deidara hasn't tried to off you yet?" Kakuzu asked, sneering. He obviously thought that Sakura had missed something obvious. When Sakura didn't respond, Hidan took over.

"Clay-boy knows his master respected you. Otherwise, he'd have jammed explosives in all your orifices and made pretty little Sakura-fireworks out of your ass by now"

"I knew it was better not to talk to you, Hidan" Sakura said, shaking her head to clear the images of "Sakura-fireworks" out of her mind.

"He's got a way with words" Kakuzu said, scowling.

"Che. So do you, Mr. 'Does Cherry-Blossom have her cherry'" Sakura growled, referring to the question that had made her scream a few minutes ago.

Hidan laughed with a mouth full of Ramen. "You fucking smooth-talker, you" he chortled. "Way to make her feel fucking at home, Stiches".

Kakuzu responded with a sneer and a violent motion with one of his tentacles. Hidan's head rolled under the table, cursing about being in the middle of a meal and making swallowing a mess.

Sakura swallowed with her dry throat and looked over at Kakuzu, who was eating calmly beside her at the table. She'd encountered this behavior the last time she was here.

"So…what did you mean when you said Itachi wanted to use me as snake bait?" she asked tentatively.

Kakuzu slurped a noodle slowly, and then he turned his head to the side so that he could look Sakura in the eye. "Hold on" he said.

Sakura heard a loud "thunk" under the table and then she saw Hidan's head fly out from the other side on the wooden piece of furniture. The head landed in a corner padded with pillows, effectively muffling the Decapitated man's curses and complaints.

"Effective system, no?" Kakuzu asked, grinning at her from under his mask.

"Erm. Yes" Sakura muttered, trying not to gape.

Stiches resumed his meal. "Itachi wants to use you to lure his brother to him. Apparently, the all-powerful Uchiha's inexhaustible patience has an expiration date"

"He's going to dangle you in front of the little brat. You know, 'Here kitty, kitty. Get the pink squeaky mousey!" Kakuzu explained. He pulled a noodle out of his ramen and dangled it in front of Sakura to demonstrate.

"I get it" Sakura said. But really she didn't…for three reasons:

1. Sasuke Uchiha would, should, and could never be called a kitty.

2. Itachi Uchiha would say "kitty" only after he'd said "cuddlemuffin" which would happen only after Hell froze over…for the third time.

3. Sakura was not a pink, squeaky mouse unless she happened to want to be one or when Kakashi had nightmares.

"Speaking of the Prince of Genjutsu, he said he'd be here in a couple of days to take you to the next meeting, so start preparing the gravesite for your dignity" Kakuzu said as he stood up and began to put his bowl in the sink.

"Uhm. I didn't get any" Sakura said, using her chained hands to motion to the pot of ramen on the stove.

"Did you pay for any?" Kakuzu asked as he smirked. He walked over to her and yanked her up by one of her biceps.

Sakura never thought she'd see the day when she eagerly awaited the arrival of Itachi Uchiha, but that day had come.

Okay. End of really long (for me) filler chapter. I know this is really soon, and that nothing much happened, but I wanted to set the stage for next chapter. Plus, I had to make up for making you guys wait so long. And I accidentally lied to Daisycutters when said I'd post BY this weekend. Can't have that unatoned for, can we now?

Anyway, just remember that at the next meeting:

Sakura will be starving.

Pein will be hating womankind.

Konan will be bitchy as hell and feeling self-conscious.

Kisame's ego will be over-inflated even more.

Tobi REALLY wants to know what pretty lady thinks of Tobi.