Score sheets
"Hi, guys," Rachel called out as she came through the front door of her shared apartment, raising her hand in a wave as she took off her coat and hung it on the hook beside the door. When her roommates looked up but barely acknowledged her, she raised an eyebrow.
"Well hello to you too…what are you doing?" Rachel asked, tilting her head curiously as she walked towards the living area of their apartment, where Santana was bent over, her right arm curved around a sheet of notebook paper protectively as she wrote with her left hand, frequently glancing up towards Kurt in a suspicious manner. For his part, Kurt was slumped back in their armchair, shaking his head with his eyes rolled up towards the ceiling, his posture quite obviously proclaiming exasperation and perhaps disgust. He seemed to be expressing no interest whatsoever in looking at whatever it was that Santana was writing, but she seemed unconvinced of this as she continue to look back over her shoulder at him, giving him a glower every time.
"She's being completely ridiculous and offensive, as per usual," was Kurt's response, accompanied by a loud sigh, and Santana curved her arm even more firmly around the paper, shifting her shoulder to further block his view even as he made no effort whatsoever to see her writing.
"No, I'm experimenting with math and proving a point," she shot back, and from what Rachel could see of her face when she briefly looked up, she was rolling her eyes back at him. "You say shit you can't back up, I'm gonna school you hard, whether you like it or not. So keep your ass sat down and prepare for an education."
"Santana, frankly, when it comes to your sexual pleasure, I would very much prefer to remain happily ignorant for the rest of my life," Kurt replied, exhaling loudly, and Rachel looked between them, giving a faint laugh of surprise as her interest remained piqued. She walked the rest of the way into the living area and sat down on the couch behind Santana, leaning forward to try to see her paper.
"Okay, you definitely have my attention aroused…what have you two been doing with yourselves in my absence?"
"Bet that ain't gonna be the only thing that's aroused by the time it's all said and done," Santana smirked, effortlessly reaching back to shove Rachel back from her as the girl leaned in, now shifting so her back and shoulders were blocking Rachel's side rather than Kurt's. Her determined secretiveness could not have been more effective in piquing Rachel's curiosity, and the other girl leaned in again, trying to see despite Santana's efforts.
"What are you doing, Santana?"
"I'm showing Kurt how wrong he is," Santana replied, lifting her writing hand to swipe out at Rachel, and Rachel had to lean back again to avoid getting a pencil in the eye. As she squawked at her, indignant, Kurt sighed, still shaking his head.
"You know you're the one who started this, Santana."
"I'm not the one implying people are drunken skanks who don't remember enough to know if they're actually good in bed or not," Santana snapped back, even as Kurt sat up, his own voice rising slightly.
"I'm not the one calling people a tight-assed semi virgin just because they've only had sex with two people rather than a quarter of the population of New York City!"
"I haven't even had sex with a quarter of the people in this ROOM, let alone the population of New York City, so if you're taking another train trip down Bitch Express-"
"So much for your math experiments, there's not even enough people in this room to have even fourths-"
"Whoa, both of you, stop, stop," Rachel held up both hands, sitting up straight on the couch, and when Santana moved to cover her paper automatically, she exhaled impatiently, rolling her eyes. "No, I'm not trying to peek…yet. But both of you have to stop this, this is not an example of the harmonious or at the very least civil roommate relationships we have all agreed we will strive for. Now if you will just explain one at a time what it is that happened and what it is you are doing now, I am sure we can reason this out and go back to a somewhat peaceful existence."
"You heard him, he acted like I'm such a whore I don't remember the names of everyone I've slept with," Santana abandoned her writing just long enough to cross her arms over her chest, glaring in Kurt's direction. "And then he gots the nerve to insult my skills? He's lucky he's still got a penis, if he ever did in the first place."
"That, that is exactly what starts this sort of thing!" Kurt pointed to Santana, gesturing emphatically. "She makes an emasculating comment and implies I'm a woman or a virgin or significantly unattractive, and she thinks that is just par for course and no one will ever get pushed to the point of retaliation!"
"Please, if I was retaliating, you'd be on the fucking floor in pain," Santana rolled her eyes again as she turned back to her paper. "I'm just making a point."
"And…what point are you making, exactly?" Rachel tried to follow along, and after scribbling down one last line, Santana thrust it to her at last.
"This. See?"
As Rachel skimmed over her rather sloppy handwriting, her eyes widened, and she nearly stammered, caught somewhere between dismay and amusement.
"Is this a…sexual scoring sheet?!"
"Basically," was Santana's shrugged reply. "He thinks I can't remember? I can give a whole friggin' ranking system."
"And…Kurt and I are BOTH ON IT?!" was Rachel's next sputtered reply, causing Kurt to bolt to his feet and over to Rachel to look on over her shoulder, as Santana shrugged again, nonplussed.
"Yeah, well, we didn't have sex, but there are sections for cuddling and you're both freakishly obsessed with forcing me to be included in that. Not to mention last New Year's, Rachel, when you were drunk off your ass, you couldn't seem to keep your hands OR your lips off me."
"That was a peck on the CHEEK at MIDNIGHT!" Rachel's voice rose still higher, as Santana grinned, stretching her arms in front of herself.
"Your lips touched the corner of my mouth. Totes counts. And then you were all over me in bed, your fingers made contact with my boob and that was totes a round trip to second."
"I was drunk and ASLEEP and YOU were the one who fell asleep in MY bed and wouldn't move!"
"Counts, Berry, counts. You're just jealous 'cause you barely scored above your ex in the bed department and you definitely lost out to Quinn."
And as Rachel skimmed down further, she saw that this was true.
Santana Lopez Sexual Scoring Sheet:
Puck:
Kissing: 6. Got to be like a vaccum suction after a while and too much tongue but he was enthusiastic anyway.
Touching: 5. Definitely didn't know how and where to touch a girl, typical guy.
Cuddling: 2. Dude didn't know such a thing existed.
Bedroom/Sex: 5. Typical guy who gets it done and then rolls over and is just done. Guy sex is so pointless.
Creativity: 3. Standard guy shit but licking the back of my neck was okay.
Sam:
Kissing: 7 his lips reminded me of Angelina Jolie which is totally hot
Touching: 5 he barely did touch me, he seemed practically afraid of me
Cuddling: 6 he seemed to want that more than sex which was totally weird
Bedroom/Sex: 3 the one time we did it was when I was drunk and I started crying halfway through so yeah
Creativity: 2 dude didn't even seem to know how to have sex period, let alone get creative with it
Quinn:
Kissing: 8 damn the girl knows her stuff, she must be a secret kiss slut
Touching: 9 all the celibacy in high school must have made her a damn good masturbator
Cuddling: 7 no complaints
Bedroom/Sex: frustrated and repressed girls can really get it out there
Creativity: 9 must be all the college brains at work
Finn:
Kissing: 2 god I don't know how Berry does it, it was like kissing a chapped city central
Touching: 5 the guy didn't know where to touch but at least he had the decency to keep asking if I was okay unlike Puck who just grabs and yanks
Cuddling: 4 the dude tried but ugh who the hell wants to cuddle that blubber
Bedroom/Sex: 3. He tried but there are just no points for trying in this game
Creativity: 2 no points there
Dave:
Kissing: 0 omg nastiest thing ever
Touching: 2 just wrong all around
Cuddling: 0 we never even tried, I would have broke out in hives
Bedroom/Sex: 0 I can't even imagine looking at that dick
Creativity: 7 hey at least this dude was a decent liar
Brittany:
Kissing: 10 holy shit the things she could do with her tongue
Touching: 10 she could teach classes for sure
Cuddling: 10 she was so long and warm and soft
Bedroom/Sex: 10 again, she should teach classes
Creativity: 10 I don't think there's a way to do it we never tried
Dani:
Kissing: 8 we're still moving slow but she makes me fucking glow
Touching: 9 she's really just so soft and she definitely knows what she's doing
Cuddling: 9 sometimes it's nice to be the taller one who can spoon
Bedroom/Sex: 9 oh she def knows
Creativity: 8 we're starting slow but she's no amateur for sure
Rachel:
Kissing: 4 the girl could definitely use some improvement, hello, tongue exists for a reason, but her lips are soft
Touching: 6 could use some pointers but she doesn't suck
Cuddling: 7 figures she'd know this one
Bedroom/Sex: 4 the woman is a slow mover
Creativity: 3 slowwww
Kurt:
Kissing: 0 ugh don't even make me sick
Touching: 3 most of the time he knows he'll lose a hand
Cuddling: 5 it's not totally disgusting
Bedroom/Sex: 0 I'm gonna vomit right now
Creativity: who even knows, he's probably got hidden kinks