She had thought she needed this man.
This slight, dark, slick ambitious Assistant District Attorney, Kevin Mulrooney. The ADA assigned to her first case since Joe's death, her first investigation as a detective in the Major Case Squad.
She should have been on top of the world; a transfer to the Major Case Squad, Detective 1st Grade in this Elite Unit, one of NYPD's finest detectives... But she was suspicious of the timing, the unrequested paperwork arriving while she was still on compassionate leave, suspicious that this was some attempt to compensate a legacy cop who had lost her husband in the line of duty. Suspicious, too, of the shifty look in her father's eyes when she had told him, suspicious that he may have played a part in this transfer, had called in a few favours.
She wanted to share her joy, talk through her fears with someone who understood. She wanted Joe...
But, despite her suspicions she had accepted the transfer, could not reject the opportunity. She was determined to prove that she was here on merit, not out of pity. Prove it to herself.
Her first case, and she was lead detective; the disappearance and suspected murder of Jenny Burnham and she threw herself into the work. Worked hard to turn insinuations and allegations into hard evidence and the arrest of Boz, the victim's husband.
And that was when she had met Kevin; that was when hours in his office poring over the case files had turned to hours in the Lion's Rock Bar pouring out her heart.
She hadn't realised how lonely she had become, how one dimensional. Alex Eames the cop: nothing more. But when Kevin had suggested a drink, when he had looked into her eyes, when he gently touched her arm; she remembered. Remembered Alex the friend, Alex the wife... Alex the woman. And a pattern soon developed; the same bar, the same table, the same drinks; the bitter, raw bourbon suiting her mood more than fruitier, more frivolous drinks.
It felt so good to be part of something again, to use terms like "their table", to share...
And she had shared. Shared her memories, her thoughts, her fears, her dreams, her feelings. Shared everything and, perhaps, shared too much. All the stuff she had been bottling up since Joe's death had come out, a trickle at first but when Kevin had not backed away, the trickle had become a flood. And he had soaked it all up, with rapt attention.
This attention was what she needed, had been missing. To be noticed, to be the focus of someone's gaze, to be thought of and considered. And hungry for more, she contemplated sharing more than drinks and words with this man...
Then the trial started, and they had been hit with a flurry of motions, and there was no longer time for socialising. His ambition drove them hard, her desperation to demonstrate her worth keeping pace; she was no longer his focus and she was too distracted, too overwhelmed to try to gain it back. Until the allegations of planted evidence proved an effective strategy and Boz Burnham had walked free.
Her integrity brought into question, her confidence undermined, her insecurities growing and Kevin had been forgotten...