Chapter 4
Looking Through a Window.
Tikaani's temper didn't improve that afternoon either. He threw his hair brush overboard, spat at Aang, dumped a half bag of rice in the galley, pulled on Momo's tail, tossed his chamber pot out the window (that was empty to the captain's relief) and still refused to wear a shirt. By late afternoon, Tikaani was confined to his bedroom and everyone seemed flabbergasted at Tikaani's unapproachable behavior. Everyone had their own reasons why he was acting so surly. Sokka and Suki just thought he needed a good spanking, Zuko believe he needed something worse. Katara thought he needed to communicate something and was struggling with it. Aang was wondering if he was just frustrated or spiteful. Toph and Mai, on the other hand, thought his antics were amusing. He wasn't being too destructive, just borderline infuriating. It was obvious he was doing this mostly to piss off Zuko.
The gang just gotten word that the ship that were following was going to dock in a port town in the Fire Nation, and a storm was approaching from the west. It was apparent that everyone was irritable and confused on how to deal with Tikaani. Zuko had his arms crossed, and was frowning as he leaned back from the table.
"I don't have time for this. I need to get back to the Capital; I don't need to deal with a wild animal like Tikaani." That was all it took for Katara to glare at Zuko and say, in calm but clear tone,
"Not surprising, apple doesn't fall from the tree." She said, looking away from Zuko. Zuko lifted an eyebrow at her.
"What are you implying?" He asked grouchily. Katara's response wasn't angry, she simply shrugged.
"You attitude towards Tikaani is a lot like your dad's attitude towards everyone else that wasn't Fire Nation." There was just silence after that. Then Aang finally spoke up.
"Oh! Of course, a bath! Hanai suggested if he got too violent, a bath would settle him down." Toph chuckled and rested her arms behind her head.
"I wouldn't say he is too violent, he is just being a butt-head to annoy Sparky." Sokka seconded Toph's idea anyway.
"I think a bath will help him refocus and calm down. After that, we start over and stop pushing rules on him that he doesn't seem to understand. Zuko, why don't you start fresh and bathe with him?"
Zuko looked like was asked to do the camelephant strut in a dress.
"Wh-what? Are you serious?" Zuko asked, shocked. Sokka nodded, being completely serious.
"Yeah it will be great. You'll both be on equal ground, and you can apologize for being so rough on him."
Katara agreed, and nodded as well.
"You got off on a bad foot with him. I think making it up to him is a great idea." She added on. Even Mai agreed,
"It would be nice if you two bonded and stop being ginormous zebra-asses to each other." Zuko threw up his hands, realizing he had no way out of this.
"Fine, fine. I'll do this bath thing." Katara got up and walked to Tikaani's room with Toph on her heels.
"Want me to go get Spunky and you can draw the bath?" Katara look at Toph, wondering if she could handle him. Then with a shrug, she nodded.
"OK, but make sure he actually has pants on."
Zuko was asking the guards to bring up some ocean water and fill the small tub in his bedroom, when Katara walked in and did it for them.
"Toph is getting Tikaani." She said matter-of-factly. Zuko scratched his neck sheepishly and apologized to Katara,
"I am sorry I have been so cruel to Tikaani. Now that I am reflecting on everything, I can see why you were angry at me. I was kind of treating him like an untrained eel-hound and not a person. I was just trying to apply what I saw in the academy. I realize now that the teachers were a bad example, and what you said about my attitude...you're right. I didn't see it I was acting rather discriminatory towards him. Thank you for telling me." Katara sighed and hugged Zuko.
"I'm glad you realized your mistakes, I hope you two will get along better." Katara said, a little more reassured as Zuko heated the bath.
"However, I do believe we need to be firm with him, but I won't compare him to an animal. I won't sink to my father's level."
At last, Toph came in with Tikaani holding her hand. He had pants on, fortunately.
"He was asleep, I got him up when I mentioned it was bath time. He's still kind of cranky though," Toph cautioned as a very sleepy boy clung on to her arm.
"Good, I'm going to talk to Aang. Zuko you can help him get undressed." With that Katara walked out, leaving Toph and Tikaani with Zuko.
"He can undress himself just fine." stated Toph as Tikaani did just that. Zuko looked to Toph, who seem unperturbed by Tikaani nudity. Even Zuko was uncomfortable with Tikaani's ease at being naked around people.
"Does it bother you?" He asked to Toph, turning his head to watch Tikaani climbing into the tub.
"What does? Oh, you mean skinny-butt over there? Nah, I can't see his body very well, but I can make out his shape, and it's not like I can see his dangly-bits very well. Why are you freaked out? You have the same man-business, nothing you haven't seen before." Zuko growled and rolled his eyes.
"Just get out so I can undress ok?" Toph shrugged and left as Zuko stripped down to just his loincloth and then took it off before entering the tub.
"Girls are crazy."
Safe...the water was safe. Nothing can harm me in this place. It's warm and secure. Almost like an ancient memory of long ago, I can't remember it, but I know this feeling. This wet, warm, safe feeling. I know it well.
Tikaani brightened immensely in the bathtub. Zuko, on the other hand, was distant towards him and wasn't interested in his splashing and giggling.
Why did I ever agree to this? I don't know if he can even understand my words at all. Zuko brooded in the bath as Tikaani sunk under the water. Zuko got to get a bottle of bath oil to wash his hair when he noticed that Tikaani hadn't come up for air. He was about to pull him out when Tikaani emerged from the water, gasping and giggling. Zuko looked at him, bewildered.
"What are you doing? I need to wash your hair, it's greasy and gross." Tikaani paid no mind to him and ducked under. Zuko waited for what felt like five minutes for Tikaani to surface again. Laughing and giggling, his long black hair was out of its pony tail and all over his face.
"Go under...go under! It's fun." He tried to encourage Zuko who grabbed his arm.
"Just sit so I can wash your hair." But again, Tikaani ignored him and tried to dunk Zuko in the water.
"Just stop! Sit still so I can wash-" Zuko gave up for the moment and let Tikaani splash and jump in the tub.
Finally, he sat down and was still, dangling his arms over the edge of the tub, watching the water drip from his fingers. Zuko watched as Tikaani was still for once, and was fascinated by the dripping water on his hands. Taking this as an opportunity, he got a bone comb and started to comb his wet hair. Tikaani groaned and pulled away. Zuko tried again, but Tikaani turned around and pulled the comb out from his hand and threw it across the room. Zuko threw up his arms and was about to get out of the tub when Tikaani dove under again.
"Better make sure the idiot doesn't drown himself." Zuko grumbled, staying in the tub. He counted a full minute and a half before Tikaani surfaced, laughing. Now, Zuko was impressed. Tikaani could hold his breath for over a minute. Zuko would rise up and gasp for air after ten seconds. Zuko wondered if it was just a water tribe thing. Tikaani stood up and started to get out of the tub, but instead of climbing out of it smoothly, he slipped and fell out. Zuko winced at Tikaani's spill, and was going to help him up when Tikaani got up like nothing happened and began to look for a towel. Zuko got out and used some quick firebending to dry off faster and got a towel for Tikaani.
"You ok? You took a nasty dive." Tikaani got out of his grasp, put on his pants, and took the towel with him as he left the room. "I guess he is." said Zuko, sighing.
Aang was with Katara as he wrote a few letters, listening her to ramble about Tikaani, Zuko, and Sokka's dirty pants.
"Aang are you listening?" she asked, stopping her diatribe. Aang gave her a thumbs-up and continued his writing. However, he put his brush down to see Tikaani enter into the room and try to get under their bed before noticing it was bolted to the floor and there was no space to crawl under. So, Tikaani contented himself with crawling under the desk. Aang stopped writing completely to get on the floor and sit with Tikaani.
"I see you're done with your bath Tikaani." Aang smiled gently as Tikaani took his hand and traced the arrows on his arm.
"I see you still like my arrows, maybe we should give you a tattoo?" Katara made a frustrated noise and walked over and got on her knees.
"C'mon Tikaani, it's Aang's and I's special time. Go to your room and I'll get some tea for you." It was Aang that stopped her from pulling Tikaani out of the desk.
"Just let him be Katara, we were having a conversation." Katara stood up and headed to the door.
"Fine have your 'conversation'. I'm going to get some tea." And then she left.
Tikaani stroked the arrows with his fingertips and traced the lines with his index finger. He felt more relaxed with Aang. He didn't try to get him to talk or move him. Or make him do something. He just let him be, and Tikaani liked that. Rahmet had tattoos and he was kind to him so Aang must be the same. He mentioned that Tikaani should have a tattoo. That interested him greatly, for people with tattoos, could usually bend and Tikaani wanted to bend more than anything.
"What kind of tattoo should we give you? Hmm? Do you want arrows too?" asked Aang. Tikaani seem unresponsive, but Aang just waited.
"I want to bend." answered Tikaani finally, wiggling his ankles. "Like Amana, and Maka and Rahmet...you bend too." he repeated the last part of the sentence as Aang studied him.
"Yes I bend. But just because you cannot bend, doesn't mean lack any gifts." Tikaani stopped tracing Aang's skin. He seemed to be concentrating on something else. It took effort, great effort to speak the right words. Words were klutzy, stumble-y things that could trip and mislead people. Tikaani disliked speaking his thoughts and feelings because he could never find the right words to convey them. He just preferred words to convey simple things like what he needed or wanted. Not how he felt or what was on his mind. But with Aang he felt that that was the only tool he had to use. Speaking slowly and carefully, he managed to say,
"Not gifts. Not gifts, I want to bend, so I can...be...treated right. I'm cursed, so I do not bend. I am a curse. I hear the people say I am a curse and freaks don't bend. Freaks don't have gifts, freaks are curses."
Tikaani rocked back and forth jiggling his legs, now mumbling phrases and words over and over. Aang felt Tikaani's melancholic statement sinking into his mind. Tikaani was quiet now, but Aang wanted him to talk again. Maybe he could get another rare glimpse into his world. He got his wish when Tikaani spoke again, with a poetic sort of tone, but still with a foreign somberness.
"Throw away the trash I hear, throw away something useless I hear, I hear a lot. I never...want to be...trash. But I am that, so I am that. I accept not what I cannot become, but what never I am. I wish I can bend, but I am that which cannot bend. I wish, but wishes never are real." Tikaani became silent again as he quietly rocked and hummed. Aang bit his lip and tried to discover what he meant by 'throw away the trash', when a chill passed through him as Tikaani repeated, verbatim, what Zuko said last night.
"Kids like him only know two things, pain or pleasure. If he does good he gets rewarded, if he does bad he will be punished, it's the only way he'll learn." Aang frowned as Tikaani started to repeat bits of the arguments. He wondered if Tikaani understood them, or was just parroting what he heard. Aang was going to test that when Tikaani broke away from his moment of clarity as Katara entered with cups of warm milk and spiced tea. She had furs over her arms, and she set the tray down to drape them by the desk.
"There. Now you can sleep here with us, we won't move you from your safe little...'cave'." Katara gave the tea to Aang and milk to Tikaani. Aang crawled out of the desk and drank the tea as he sat with Katara on the bed. He watched Tikaani swallow down the milk and pull the furs to him so he could sleep directly under the desk.
"Night, Tikaani. We'll be at the port tomorrow." Katara called out as she blew out a few candles and drank the tea with Aang, who had undressed, and was under the covers. As soon as Tikaani was asleep, Aang whispered to Katara.
"It doesn't feel like it's been four years since the fall of Ozai. I still feel like I am twelve." Katara rolled over to read the expression on Aang's face.
"What do you mean by that?" She questioned, "Whats on your mind?" Aang frowned and let out a breath he was holding back.
"Tikaani was talking with me a little while ago. I...I think we need to be a lot more careful in what we say now. We need to stop being negative with him." Aang's face turned stormy as he recalled what Tikaani said. Freaks don't bend, throw away the trash, freaks are curses. Aang was quiet and told Katara what Tikaani had said.
"Tikaani wishes he could waterbend like his uncles and cousins. He thinks that if he could bend, his people wouldn't refer to him as a 'freak' or 'trash'. 'Freaks don't have gifts', he said." Katara sat up completely and furrowed her brow at Aang.
"He told you all this...while I was making tea?" Aang sat up and, like Tikaani, tried to find the words to explain his experience with the boy. It was easy for Aang to speak clearly, while it was an effort for Tikaani to get even a good sentence out.
"It took him a little bit, but for a moment, he connected with me. I don't know why he chose me, maybe because there was something familiar about me that comforted him. He seems to recall memories that seem too far back for us." Katara lit another candle, making sure not to wake Tikaani.
"Did he recall a memory, Aang?" She asked, now intrigued. Aang shrugged and looked at the now prone form of Tikaani.
"'Throw away the trash; freaks are curses', the way he said, it sounded like he was recalling a memory when his parents were trying to...return him. What if he could remember things from back when he was toddler, or even younger?" Katara looked at Tikaani and shook her head.
"I think he might just be repeating the words he heard growing up. Maybe it's just a fluke and he was just speaking randomly, but maybe we can-" Aang cut her off, looking irritated
"Don't you discount what he said as a fluke! He just told me that he feels like a burden. He recognizes his disability! That is not a fluke. He has awareness of who he is, but we're just too arrogant to see it." Throw away the trash, freaks are curses I hear the people say...freaks are curses "I am going to bed. I'll try to talk to him tomorrow." Aang said, defeated, as he waved his hands and airbended the candles out.
There were faces of anger, Auntie scared and screaming, Maka standing alone. Why is Auntie crying?Why is Mother turning away from me? Mother, don't leave me! Mother, I am hungry, I want to nurse. Mother...mother, why are you leaving? Where am I going? I want to eat. I am cold, I am hungry. Why is everyone leaving me? Where is father? Why does father hate me so? Why does mother hate me? Can you hear me cry? This isn't home, I want to go home. Why did you turn away from me mother? Why do you call me a curse? Why do you call me a sin? Father? Father hold me...hold me...daddy...daddy...please daddy...hold me.