Chapter 4: Those Tiniest Pieces
Jade is turning eight in less than a week. She loves her birthday and the loads of presents she always gets. She is also fond of her chocolate birthday cake. She'd rather just have Andre and Cat over, maybe Robbie cause he was Cat's new friend and Cat would whine otherwise. But her parents insisted the whole class should be invited. Today wasn't about her and her upcoming party though. Her dad's birthday was 5 days before hers. When he was in a good mood, he'd tell her she was the best belated birthday present he ever got. When he wasn't, well, then it was more along the lines of I thought you'd help our marriage, but I guess not.
So she was wearing a stupid frilly pink dress that matched her mom's. Jade, it's his birthday, please just put it on, she'd asked, I'm not fond of it either. Her hair was in loose curls and tied half up in a satin bow, her shoes were patent leather white. Another dumb idea on her dad's part, they'd be scuffed up before she got to the restaurant.
Jade wasn't supposed to be loud or make a mess. So she was sitting on her bed impatiently. The door opened and her father breezed in from work.
"You look pretty Jade," he said, "here's an early birthday present".
He thrusts a bag in front of her face. Inside the bag is a present. It's white with pink roses on the wrapping paper and a large bow.
"Thank you Daddy," she says, knowing that's what's expected. She's kind of shocked he called her Jade.
He nods, "Yes Mariana did a nice job on the wrapping," he remarks to himself.
Mariana is the secretary at his work. Jade's a bit disappointed to find out he hadn't wrapped it himself, but at least he bought her a gift.
She sets it down on her desk and moves to take his hand, "It's time to go for your birthday dinner, right?" she says.
"When someone gives you a present you open it, right away, Jadelyn. That's what's polite," he instructs pulling his hand away.
Jade inches away from him and grabs the package. She sits on the bed and carefully removes the bow, slowly peels off the tape, and then gently folds back the wrapping paper. Usually she tears into presents, ripping the paper to shreds, but she's angry now and wants to frustrate him. It's working.
"Hurry up, we have reservations," he gripes.
Jade yanks off the box lid to reveal an American Girl doll.
"Thank you," she says softly.
He actually tried this year. The doll is named Lindsey and she's the doll of the year. Jade knows because most of her classmates, Cat included, have been babbling about her since it came out. The doll is the "it gift" of the year and she's sure to make a big splash with it in school. Never mind, the fact that she's never really liked dolls, except the one she gave vampire fangs to, and could care less what the other kids at school think.
He points to a smaller box that was wrapped alongside it. She rips the paper quickly to keep him happy and tears off the lid. It's another outfit for the doll, a pink dress with a white sash, white tights, and the palest pink shoes. The outfit is nearly an exact match to what she's wearing. Jade isn't sure what to say, it's clear her dad has no understanding of her as a person, but then again, the same gift would have sent Cat over the moon. So maybe it's her fault.
Luckily, her dad takes the silence for astonishment. He's patting himself on the back and tells her to change the doll's clothing and bring it along. He then leaves to change out of his work clothes.
As Jade strips off the dolls clothes, tugs up tights, wiggles on shoes, and so on, she laughs. In the doll's story she was in trouble all the time, just like Jade. Clearly, her dad hadn't known that. The doll is nothing like the gift she would have chosen, she wanted a black and silver bracelet or new black combat boots. Poltergeist, The Birds, Beetlejuice, The Bride of Frankenstein, and a handful of other movies would have also sufficed. The titles she had mostly glimpsed on TV before her parents changed the channel, but they seemed scary.
When doll was changed, Jade had even cut one of her ribbons to tie in its short hair, she went down the hall. Jade stopped short outside her parents' room. They were fighting again. They fought all the time really. She frowned and stomped back into her room. She tossed the new doll away and grabbed a teddy bear she'd had since she was a baby. Jade scooted into the corner and curled up around the bear. Her head rested on her knees and she was trying not to cry. Finally, she sniffed and stood up. She was ready to demand that her parents stop fighting and go to dinner. Before she could make it across the room, her mom had come in and grabbed her by her upper arm. Jade snagged the doll and stumbled as she was dragged down the hall and then the stairs. Her mother paused, straightened Jade's dress and then pushed her out the door. They got into the car with her father and drove to the restaurant in silence.
Jade ordered the penne with shrimp and set the doll on the chair next to her. Her mother sat on the other side and her father across from her. Her mom ordered a salmon dish and her dad got the lobster. Her father then ordered a glass of red wine for himself, white for her mom, and milk for her.
Jade frowned, "water," she corrected. Her dad shot her a look, but Jade was way beyond caring.
"Milk is gross. Who wants to drink milk that a dirty farmer squeezed out of his cow," she said scrunching up her face in disgust.
"Jadelyn," he reprimanded, nodding to the server to bring the water, "Thank you for that lovely visual".
"You're welcome," she sassed back, "I've hated gross cow juice for the past four years daddy".
They sit in silence and relative peace until the entrees arrive. The waiter walk away and Jade's fuming.
"Daddy, the tails are still on my shrimp," she hisses.
"Just eat it Jade," he says rolling his eyes.
She squishes up her face and reaches in her hand to pick one up. She squeezes off the tail and drops the shrimp back in the bowl. She picks up the next one and realizes this is ridiculous, she hates picking the tails off. The chef should have done it, or maybe her dad but not her. So she flips the plate over crossly letting the sauce seep into the ugly yellow tablecloth. It'll probably stain and she's really getting a bit old for this behavior. But it's a surefire way to get her dad's attention.
"Jadelyn," he yells upon realizing what she's done. He apologizes to the waiter and frowns at her.
She's got his attention now, she thinks with a gulp, maybe that's not the best thing. Her dad cares way too much about appearances though. So he doesn't blow up even though he wants too. They both have temper issues. Instead he motions to the waiter and whispers something. Suddenly, Jade has part of his lobster on her plate. Maybe this tantrum was a good plan, she thinks.
Until the waiter comes over with a bib, "No, no, no," she snaps, "I'm seven, nearly eight. In five days. I'm not a baby. Only babies wear bibs".
Her dad snatches the bib and ties it around her neck, "Eat quietly and I'll buy you dessert," he whisper bribes her.
So she pouts, a plastic bib over her stupid pink dress and eats the lobster. At the end of the meal, the waiter brings a sundae out for her dad with a candle on top and they sing to him. Her mom catches her eye and they harmonize. So Jade has a small smile on her face when her chocolate fudge lava cake arrives, until the smell mixes with her leftover lobster. She hates when waiters bring dessert before clearing the dishes. She quickly shoves the lobster shell plate at the waiter. Finally, she cuts into the cake and takes a big bite. It's yummy, the perfect balance of chocolate and warm. Her mother steals a bite and runs her fingers through Jade's light brown hair.
"Your mother and I need to talk to you Jade," her father says briskly, pushing away his sundae.
Jade's been shoving cake into her mouth for the past few minutes, so she just nods and swallows. His eyes go soft and he looks like he really cares. The daddy she had when she was three and his business hadn't taken off yet. The one who would dance her around the living room and play pony. The man who cared more about her than the next big corporate deal. Someone she had trusted until he'd messed up too many times to forgive.
"It's," his voice breaks and he looks down. When he meets her eyes again his face is steeled.
"Don't do this here," her mom says softly, "wait a few weeks, until after her birthday".
Jack shakes his head, "It's gone on long enough Shannon. Do you really think we could wait and pretend that long".
Jade wonders if she's getting a sibling. Her dad wants a boy but her mom doesn't want any more kids. Jade hadn't decided whether it will be a playmate or an annoyance.
"Your mother and I," he starts seriously.
Jade wiggles in anticipation, she's all for this baby now. Someone to play with or boss around when she's bored.
"are getting a divorce".
Jade freezes and tries to readjust her thinking. This isn't what she was expecting to hear. She couldn't think, a hand felt like it was grasped around her throat, she couldn't talk. She could barely breath. Her vision was swimming.
"I think she's having a panic attack," her mom's voice swirled.
She was suddenly sitting on her father's lap staring into his eyes.
"Nice slow deep breaths Jadelyn," he said and she tried to do as she was told.
"In and out, in and out," he said holding her head so she could only look up at him.
Eventually, her breathing calmed and her heart stopped racing. She was plopped back into her seat. Both parents looked at her with mild concern. Jade hesitated thinking maybe she should play weak and get them to forget this whole idea. Then she decides that she's never a damsel and speaks up.
"What the hell? You guys have fought for years. It's always the same thing. You both blow up then mom says sorry and dad brings her a present. That's how it goes," she rants, her facing starting to turn red, "You don't get to just change the game all of a sudden. There are rules. People made promises".
"Jade," her mother says trying to placate her, "I know this is sad and scary. But it'll be okay, it's for the best you'll see".
Jade sighs in frustration and then pauses, "Is it…Is this my fault? Daddy, I'm so sorry about dinner. And the way I acted. I'll eat the shrimp with tails from now on. I won't spill or yell or talk back. I'll be good, I promise. Just please don't go," she whimpers.
Jack meets Shannon's eyes briefly. Then he scoops up Jade and walks out of the restaurant. Shannon is paying with his card.
Jack makes it to the bench outside with a squirming Jade in his grasp. He sets her down and looks her in the eyes. Her dress is stained with chocolate sauce, her hair is a flyaway mess. Yet Jade looks up at him with bloodshot blue eyes and all he feels is guilt. On a normal day, her appearance would be reason enough for a lecture. Today he just picks her up and cuddles her.
"It's not your fault pumpkin. I swear. You didn't do anything to make this happen. You make a lot of mistakes but this wasn't one of them. This is how it's going to be now. You are still going to stay in your house, in your room. But just with mommy. I'm moving into an apartment in the city. But you'll have your own room there too. How about purple, huh bud?" he whispers.
A ghost of a smile crosses Jade's face before she starts to whimper again.
"I wanna stay with you and Mommy," she nearly sobs, "please".
Jack rubs her back. He feels sorry for her getting caught up in the middle of this. He can still remember the first time he saw those bright blue eyes, slipping out of bed to watch her sleep, chasing a toddler as she learned to walk, finger painting with a round cheeked three year old. Then the memories spread out, become dispersed less frequently as she ages. He only images it'll get worse with the divorce. Jack clutches Jade tightly and rocks her. Finally, Jade falls asleep.
She wakes up in her bed, all tucked in. She wants to pretend this was a bad dream. But the chocolate stain on her clothes tells her otherwise.
"Daddy, mommy," she shrieks. It's dark and lonesome in her room.
"Daddy," she yells again before sprinting across the carpet and into the hallway.
Jade opens the door to her parent's room reluctantly. She knows she's not supposed to go in there.
"Mommy," she whispers sticking her head in. With no response, Jade steps into the room.
"Daddy," she calls out flipping on the lights.
Nobody is in their bed, she's alone. They've both left her. So she decides its okay to fall apart. She sinks to the floor wrapping her arms around her legs, drawing her knees up to her chest, and resting her head on her lap. Then hiding her face, she lets herself cry.
When she finally stops her tears, Jade peeks at the clock. It's nearly one a.m. and she doesn't want to spend the night alone. She debates on calling Cat. It's late though and Cat won't sneak out. She's a goody two shoes and Jade hasn't finished corrupting her yet. She might end up consoling Cat if she tells her about this. Also, Cat still believes that red velvet cupcakes and cuddles can solve any problem. Jade isn't indulgent with her usually, but she doesn't want to be the one to prove Cat wrong. Andre might come over. But she doesn't want to get him in trouble. His grandma was starting to get worse mentally and she'd probably flip out if she found him missing. Plus, how good at comforting could an eight-year-old boy be?
Jade creeps down the stair and quickly hits the light switch. Her house is illuminated and Jade stalks from room to room in search of her parents. She finally finds her mother in the library.
"Mom," she says irritated, "Where's Daddy? It's time for normal people to be sleeping you know".
"Oh, Jade," her mom says turning away from the window. Her face is blanketed in moonlight that highlights her tears.
"Don't 'oh jade' me," the little girl hisses grabbing her arm and tugging, "come on".
Shannon looks down at her stubborn daughter. Jade is so much more like Jack than she thinks. Quick to anger, likely to brood and keep feelings to herself, no tears but apt to whine, bossy, private and sometimes even cold. But like him she had a smile that you had to work for, a laugh that made others grin, walls that revealed a magnificent, silly, charming little girl when they fell down.
That's part of the reason she fell in love with Jack. When he let her see him, without any guard up, she felt special. It meant he trusted her and the man when exposed was warm and loving. The problem was that she had thought the walls were gone.
Work pulled him away, but at first he made sure he came home early. Slowly the stonier persona started to follow him home from work. He'd need her kiss and Jade's giggles for an hour before it wore off, then a few hours, then a few more. He had started to crack down on Jade's childish antics. Soon she only really saw him on weekends. As the business really became popular Jack started working even then. Slowly the man she'd married pulled away. The walls came back up before she realized it. Glimpses showed through their cracks on rare occasions. It wasn't working for them anymore.
Jack was sitting in his car outside a hotel. He was trying to figure out when their life fell apart. The two girls in his life had stopped laughing, stopped smiling around him. As a toddler, Jade was very much a daddy's girl.
Her love of art and music came from her mother, as did her natural wavy hair. But Shannon had sun streaked blond hair and hazel eyes that were mostly green. She could also lay claim to Jade's full lips and tiny ears. Maybe even the fact that Jade was sometimes sweet but there was no doubt whose genes were dominant.
She really took after him. Jade had his brown hair, though hers was a shade lighter. Her eyes were a bright blue that usually matched his own. On occasion he had seen them look grey or green. Her prominent check bones and the shape of her chin matched his. She was serious, had a wicked temper, and though she wasn't shy about expressing her opinion, her feelings were a different story. She loved to read and was incredibly smart. She mimicked him in several ways.
As a baby, Jade had been able to bribe him into tea parties and going to the park. When she was a bit older, in pre-school, he'd quit his job and started him own company. It had always been his dream and Shan had agreed with him that this was a good time. Jade didn't need such constant attention. She'd assured him that she knew he would need to work longer hours but they could handle it. Really they both had unrealistic expectations on how much work it took to start a business from scratch. Jade's handmade art projects and little songs were no longer given to him because he wasn't there. Shannon was angry that he didn't have as much time for his family. His co-partner in the business, who really owned 65% didn't think he was invested enough. At home all they seemed to do was arguing. It wasn't healthy for Jade and it wasn't enjoyable. So he worked harder at the office so he could at least please one person.
His responsibility was to his family, she'd argue. Well, yes, and that's why he had to work, to provide for them. If the company fell flat on its face they'd be broke. So much of their own money was invested in this project, they'd mortgaged the house. His priorities had changed. Shannon claimed he was shutting her out. It was really so she couldn't see how bad the finances were doing. When the company was finally in the red, making money, things had changed. He couldn't believe she hadn't trust him, realized that keeping her in the dark was about protecting her and keeping her happy. So he'd lost his faith in her as well and work had provided a nice distraction.
Now he was sitting in a parking lot, finally comprehending what they'd lost. He felt bad for Jade. The kid had been someone he adored. Even as she grew up to a big girl of nearly eight, she'd never stopped trying to please him, begging for time, asking for a story, requesting her good night kiss. This was so screwed up. He slammed the car door and popped the trunk. Maybe they'd married too young. They had only been 22 and fresh out of college. Their lives had changed. He checked in at the front desk. There was no going back now, no repairing the damage both had inflicted. He inserted his room key into the door.
Shannon took Jade's hand, "Daddy's gone baby". He had put Jade to bed and left without a word.
"He, he just left?" Jade asks, "without even saying goodbye?" she's incredulous.
"You aren't going to leave too, are you?" Jade whispers biting her lip.
Shannon gathers Jade into her arms and sits down on the couch, "No sweet girl. I'm not going anywhere. I'll never ever leave you".
"Promise?" Jade asks sleepily, curling into her.
Shannon covers them with a blanket, "I promise".
Jade's still staring up at her wide-eyed.
"I promise I will always be here for you Jade. You know why?"
Jade shrugs her little shoulders and smooths down her uncomfortable party dress.
"Because I love you more than all the stars in the sky, all the fish in the sea, all the sand grains on beaches, all the raindrops that fall," she whispers as Jade's eyes start to slip shut.
"I love you more than numbers can count, more than words can say, more than my very next breath," she continues as Jade's eyelids flutter.
"And I'll love you until the ocean runs dry, the stars stop shinning, and the sun drops out of the sky".
Jade has fallen asleep and Shannon doesn't have the will nor the heart to move her. Instead she shifts slightly so they are both laying down on the couch.
"I love you so much Jade," she says pressing a kiss to her forehead. When they wake up, their world will still be shattered, but for now, in this perfect moment of bliss, that doesn't really matter.
"But in the real world, you couldn't really just split a family down the middle, mom on one side, dad the other, with the child equally divided between. It was like when you ripped a piece of paper into two: no matter how you tried, the seams never fit exactly right again. It was what you couldn't see, those tiniest of pieces, that were lost in the severing, and their absence kept everything from being complete." ― Sarah Dessen
A/N: So the quote's at the end this time to avoid spoiling the chapter. Sometimes I find them after I've written it, sometimes before. Sorry, it's been a while. Finals and end of school stuff has kept me busy. As always, please let me know what you thought. Your opinions are very valuable to me. (Can you catch all thing things Jade also hates on the show?)