Raw - Chapter Four
"Satisfying?" Tony takes their plates and drops them in the sink, their hands brushing as he takes Ziva's. The spark that ignites deep in his belly reaches his cheeks and he retreats to the kitchen; away from prying eyes.
He hears her approval; misses the smile that graces her lips while he's away, but he catches as she ever so tenderly skims her hand on the rim of her bump. He hides, not wanting to intrude on such a private moment. These liberties aren't his to take. Not yet, anyway.
Maybe soon they would be.
He returns, sitting in front of her. "I know I promised something sweet, so maybe we can head to the coffee shop close to here? Continue that talk?" The words are laced with uncertainty.
A consensus had been reached that Tony would be the father of their child though that didn't stop the fear, that often boiled on remembering Ziva's departure, that she was capable of leaving without notice. Though, if it were to happen, this time, the trip wouldn't be a party of one. What Tony craved in these moments is the permanence of their family; no running.
He needed something permanent.
Solid.
Unbreakable.
A shimmer of assurance that she'd stay.
He watches her small tilt of approval and a bit of that fear vanishes. And as they head down the street, their palms kissing, tranquility builds.
...
Tony chooses a secluded table, or as secluded as is possible in a crowded coffeehouse, for the privacy they'll need for this conversation to take place; after ordering drinks.
The delicious brownie;
A strong coffee.
And a green tea with milk and honey.
A shield formed of awkwardness surrounds them, impenetrable to the brouhaha of the coffeehouse. Tension surrounds them as both go to speak, but Ziva retreats for him to take the lead. Though, neither speak in the end.
Suddenly all words just sound so heavy.
And hurtful;
A weapon.
How can he convey all the insecurities that her abrupt disappearance and stay have caused to dominate his mind with her sudden return?
Oh boy!
This would be tough.
Speak Tony, he orders himself.
Where to start?
Sucking down the clog in his throat, he tries to make order of the madness in his brain; form eloquent thoughts. Here goes...
"Though I'm still confused on why you've decided to show up now, I do appreciate that you've come; that you've made the effort to stay and work through things. And I know we've talked and decided that we want to be a family and raise our child together." He watches her stay on her side of the table, her body stiff as she has no idea of where he's headed with his train of thoughts.
Neither does he for that matter.
"But Ziva, I still worry that despite committing to stay in DC with me, that in a few months maybe you won't feel the same and leave. I need some kind of reassurance that I won't come home one day to both of you gone. I couldn't live through that." Not again, he wants to add.
He doesn't.
Instead he worries that he's pushing Ziva to her limits; that she'd run, again. But it needed to be said, couldn't start a relationship with hurt and wounds that seem healed, but could later be reopened.
It all needed to be said now; brought to the open and worked through. Their relationship, fragile at its core, would need time and work because love, passion and need wasn't going to be enough to hold them together if the core was rotten.
The raw and ugly truth needed to be voiced.
"I just need something to hold on to Ziva. I want to be sure that I'm not fully committing to something in vain. That's all I'm asking for here."
She sighs and Tony deflates.
That's definitely not a good sign.
"Tony," she reaches out her hand to rest atop his for comfort and looks at him with such vulnerability clouding her eyes. "What you're asking for, I cannot give you. Only time will show you that I'm committed to making us a family. It will not be an easy task nor a short one and it will require patience, understanding and support on your part. There will be times when maybe I'll feel the need to run and maybe I'll seek refuge elsewhere for a short time, but know that I'll always come back to you."
It wasn't quite the answer he was expecting to hear, the assurance he desperately craved.
"That's the point, Ziva." Frustration bubbles; running his hand through his hair to leave some of it behind in the knots. "I don't want you to have to seek refuge somewhere else when times are tough. I want you to be able to come to me; for me to be the person you come to for help. That's all I ask." A shuddering breath. "I don't want you to run, damn it. I'm tired of you running away from me instead of towards me."
He chances a glance at her and finds her stunned.
"You are asking me to change Tony and that takes time. It is a habit I cannot break overnight, but what I can promise you, Tony, is that I'll try. I will try not to run from you."
His silence stretches on. The truth was raw and ugly, but this is what he wanted, right?
But he didn't know it would hurt when it was reciprocated at him.
"I know this is not what you'd like to hear, but I do not want to lie to you. I've apologized for how I left things, for not coming when you'd ask, but at the time I thought that was the only way to handle my demons without hurting those around me." Her hand falls away from his and her gaze turns to her bump.
He still doesn't speak and so she fights on. "I promise to stay and fight for us. I want us; you, me and bi'bua to be a family. And I know it won't happen overnight, but I will do whatever it takes to make it happen."
The fog clears, the hurt memories falling behind and he's able to reason at her words. He'd retreated to. Worse, he'd let the anger take over.
"Ziva I want you to be absolutely sure that you want this; us." Because he is and he won't chance the doubt to bubble up and once again cause her to flee.
"I am."
He nods ever so slightly and the silence embraces them, the brouhaha of the coffeehouse penetrating their shield.
After a moment, "do you think that we can make this work?"
He sighs. He has his own doubts and fears of the fragility of their relationship.
Will it work?
Will a child complicate things;
Precipitate a relationship that shouldn't be?
No, stop.
If he's sure of anything, it's them.
"It'll take time Ziva, but look how far we've come in these last few hours. We aren't those immature kids that acted on instinct anymore. We've grown and matured and if we actually want this and work for it, then yes, I think we can be a family. We just need time."
Time; only time would placate his insecurity.
And support; for Ziva to fight the urge to run from that which she couldn't control.
And love; for each other and what they were trying to build.
And honesty; to keep each other mended.
They weren't perfect, far from it. They were a mess, in the middle of a coffee shop, but in the end, together. And if they could offer love, patience, security and support to one another they might just make it, the both of them and form a family.
The DiNozzo-David family.
"Time," she agrees.
To heal those raw wounds; hers and his.
The end.
I want to thank you all for bearing with me and taking this journey with me. I had never intended for this to be more than a simple one-shot, but your words really inspired me to make this what it is. I appreciate that you guys are eager for more, but I think that Raw ends right where it need to. This chapter completes this story, but don't worry, this isn't the end for these characters in this universe. A prequel in Ziva's point of view is currently in the works. I hope to see you there soon.