-Confessions Of A Broken Heart-

The next day at school, Ash and I arrive together. My piece of shit car decided to die this morning, so I called her, and she picked me up, just like we used to do. It was nice, still a little weird, but we're getting back to as close as what we used to be as we can get. We'll never have before, but we have the future. So anyway, we walk into school together, only to be ambushed by Madison. God I hate this bitch.

"Aw look, did you two make up? Figures you freaks would be right for each other. I mean one's mentally deranged, and one came this close to being a cripple as I hear. So what was it Spencer, did Ashley here beg for you back, or did you just guilt her into it? Come on, inquiring minds want to know, oh, wait, they don't. No one cares about you crazy dykes."

"Fuck off Madison before I knock you out again."

"Ohhh, I'm scared. She fighting your battles for you now Ashley?"

"I'd listen to her Madison. As pissed as I get at you, I can hold back, but I might just let go and beat your ass one of these days. But Spence here, she has a bit of an anger problem, and I for one won't hold her back if she attacks you."

"Whatever queer eye. Let's go girls; we have actual stuff to do."

God I hate her.

"God I hate her."

"Me too, really though, you want to knock her ass out again, feel free."

"Tempting, very tempting. So what exactly is our first period class? Fill me in, you have to at least know the name of it right?"

And so we continued walking along up to our lockers. Just another average day at good ol' King High. Surprisingly enough, Ashley paid attention for about half of the time of the past week or so of class, so she could actually tell me the gist of what was going on. Though it didn't really matter, I zoned out again.

"Spence! Spencer!!!"

"Huh, what? Ashley why are you yelling at me?"

"You really have got to get over that whole spacing thing. Anyway, come on, you're chariot awaits."

"What?"

"You're ride Spence, remember, your car is at home, I'm giving you a ride…ring any bells?"

"Um, sure, sure. Let's go, I'm ready."

We got into her car, I swear I have no idea what's going on these days. Maybe she's right, am I zoning out that much? Well whatever, I'll get over it eventually. Wait, where are we going, what is Ashley up to?

"Ash…where are we going?"

"It's a surprise Spence, just sit back and enjoy the ride."

"This better not piss me off, I'm not in the mood today Ashley, really."

"Relax sarcasto-girl, loosen up a bit, you know I'd never hurt you if I could help it, right?"

"Maybe…but seriously Ash, my mood is just about shot, so keep that in mind, I don't want to blow up at you, you won't deserve it."

"I'll keep that in mind."

Why the hell is she so stubborn? Oh come on, I know I love it, but still she drives me crazy. But I really don't need any surprises right now, I am so in full on sulk mode right now that I just want to go home and dwell. But knowing Ashley, she must have some clue as to how I'm feeling and is fully intending on preventing that. Great, I was looking forward to my brooding.

"The beach, damn it Ashley, why would you bring me here?"

"I'm not exactly sure what it is about the beach that has you so adamant about not being here, but whatever it is, you need to face it. You're never going to get past all this, be okay, if you keep avoiding things. I don't know if it's the scars or what, but you are coming down to the beach with me, if I have to drag you, you're coming."

I just glared at her. I am so fucking angry but I'm trying so hard not to take it out on her, so I'm just staying quiet. She yanks at my arm and we walk down to our spot under the pier. I still haven't said anything, and am so pissed; I think she's getting that. Whenever I was truly angry, like really bad, I would always go dead silent, I think it scares her more than me yelling; hell it scares me more than when I get loud and angry. This quiet rage thing eats at me, I hate it. So now here I am, sitting in the sand hugging my legs to my chest, staring at the ocean, and she's just looking at me warily, not sure what to do. I release some of the ire and finally speak up, if only for the sake of both of ours sanity.

"I'm not going to break you know. I hate to hell that you brought me here, but I'm trying hard not to take it out on you, and with you looking at me like I'm going to break it only makes me uneasy and I just don't know what the fuck to say anymore."

"If there is one thing I know, its pain. You've got a lot of that eating up at you, and there's anger and depression, confusion and pain. Whatever it is about the beach, or anything else, you need to confront it, so you can heal. You may not feel like you're ready, but it's time. You can yell at me all you want, but I'm not going to let you go through this alone. You have to face life Spence, you can't run away from it, trust me, I know."

All I can do is sigh, I know she's right. When the hell did she get so smart? But still it doesn't matter, she is right, I do have to quit running, I'm just so tired. I don't know what to do anymore.

"I'm tired Ash, I'm just so tired. I don't know what to do."

"If you fall, I'll catch you. I'll be right by your side, whatever you need, I'm not going anywhere. I can't lose you, I almost did once, and again when you left. I won't let you drown in yourself. I've realized a lot of things since you were gone, and I think I've grown as a person or something. I am going to be here for you Spence, I'm right here."

I can't lose her either. In some weird way I think that's part of why I ran to Ohio over the summer. Like I thought I had lost her, and then it hurt so much. I figured maybe if I just distanced myself enough, then it wouldn't hurt so bad when I finally did lose her, or something. I did what she had tried to do so many times; I pushed her away in order to protect myself. She won't let me do that anymore. And I know I have to fight, if not for myself, then for her. I just hope I can do this. Fuck, why the hell is life so messed up?

"Take me home, Ash. Take me home, and hold me while I sleep. Please, can we just go and shut out the world for a little while?"

"Of course Spencer, I'll take care of you. I'll protect you."

I hope she can.

I wake up to a searing pain in my shoulder. Forgetting where I am, I let out a strangled half scream half cry. Sometimes after I dream about the shooting, or if the temperature is too cold in the room, if I have a nightmare, if my day just has to start out shitty, for a variety of reasons, sometimes I will wake up to a horrible pain in my shoulder. As far as I know, there is no good reason for it to be so intense after I sleep. Apparently it has something to do with nerve damage or something with the muscle or both, I don't know. Either way, it hurts like a bitch. And then I remember that Ashley stayed here last night, and as I hear feet bounding up the steps, I know she heard me. I can't decide if I want to see her at this moment or not. I think I'm leaning in the direction of being glad she's here, so that must be a good sign, right?

"Oh my God, Spencer, what's wrong? Are you okay? I heard you scream, or well I heard you try and hold it back. But are you okay?"

"Ashley…"

I can't say much more, the pain can be so intense sometimes. She just comes rushing over to me, and I just hold on to her for dear life, waiting for it to fade. Eventually it always goes away, just to what degree and when are the unknowns. Damn this is killing me.

I try and push the tears back, but at this moment I am so overcome by a myriad of emotions that all I can do is let them fall. Slow and deliberate, they make their way down my face, falling onto Ashley's shirt. She only holds me tighter, unaware of what is truly going on. Finally the pain starts to dull and I can speak, the tears have stopped and I finally have some peace, here in the arms of the best thing that has ever happened to me.

"Ashley…"

"I'm here Spence, whatever it is, I'm here."

"I know, I know. I'm sorry I made you worry."

"It's okay, are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm good now. Sometimes when I wake up, the pain in my shoulder comes back with a vengeance. But it's not so bad anymore. I'm actually glad you're here, you always did have a way of making me feel better."

"I wish I could take it all back Spence. I wish I could make all of the pain go away, make any doubt you had in me disappear, make everything better. I wish I could, but I can't. And it hurts so much, and you're still in pain, and I can't do anything to help you."

"Ash, you're doing it, just by being here. Look, I didn't know how to talk to you for the longest time; I didn't know what to say. I knew I still loved you, nothing can change that for us, but still, there were no words. And I know that hurt you. And then when I came back, it was still hard. But you have to know, just having you here with me, us getting back to what we had, you holding me like this. It means the world to me. You have no idea how much just this simple act makes me feel, you comforting me helps me so much. Don't ever doubt that there is nothing you can do. You do so much by just being here."

Heartfelt confessions, it's official, I'm getting soft. I tried so hard to put up that strong front, and now parts of it are crumbling. Well, I guess its okay, Ashley can break through the walls, but I know no one else will. I know now I can let my guard down around her, at least I can still be a bitch to the world; I enjoy that far too much to give up.