Warning: This fanfiction contains explicit material, that includes sex, drugs, incest, various fetishes, gore, blood drinking, serial killers' inner monologue, furries, incest, heads being cut off, guns, crack babies, talking animals, and various other magical creatures engaging in sexual acts. The writer often breaks the fourth wall. Please read at your own risk. However, the content of this fanfiction is intended for satire only, not for you to fap to. But if you insist on fapping to some of the texts, do as you wish, the writer does not give a fuck but they will not be responsible for any damage done to your genitals due to excessive fapping after or while reading this fanfiction. Please wash your hands thoroughly before you start typing your angry comments.
Disclaimer: I do not own Kuroshitsuji or any of the characters. They belong to Toboso Yana. I also do not own Patrick Bateman, he belongs to Bret Easton Ellis.
ROMAN'S REVENGE CH 4
Assholes in College
As Papa Bear says, the sun goes up, the sun goes down, no one can explain it. So the sun comes up again on this fine Monday morning, its majestic light shining upon every square inch of the campus of the University of Les Assho. Birds start singing and a homeless person wakes up under a branch. Some girl wakes up to a hangover, attempting to concentrate while putting her makeup on, cursing under her breath that she fucking hates Monday. Everything is normal.
William T. Spear is a graduate student majoring in civil engineering. He starts off his morning with a rigid routine. William believes in taking care of himself. It is essential for a reaper to be meticulous in the choosing of his diet. Exercising is also important. William wakes up at five every morning to run around his neighborhood. Then he would go back to his apartment and do some more push-ups. Afterwards he will have a breakfast consisting of an apple, an English biscuit with some eggs or raspberry jam, and a cup of red tea with one cube of sugar. Sometimes William also likes to have Cheerios - not the honey nut kind - he prefers the original, tasteless one. Too much sugar is not good for you.
As the writer changes their mind about starting off the chapter by writing about William's morning routine (because mothafucka is too boring), the camera fast forward to 11:00 a.m. of Monday. We zoom in to Sebastian and Patrick walking to class.
"I hate that we didn't do jack shit over the weekend." Patrick complains. He is wearing an Armani suit today, and even though he demands the narrator to add more details regarding his daily attire, the narrator refuses.
"Well you said you were too tired to go clubbing after you came back from your little trip with Grell," Sebastian says. Patrick wants the narrator to point out that Sebastian is wearing a British-cut, double-breasted suit with a silver tie by Calvin Klein, which, in Patrick's words "makes him look like some douche-bag British fag."
The screen suddenly goes blank and the following message appears:
We apologize for the interruption. We are experiencing unexpected technical difficulties, please wait patiently before the program resumes. :)
Down at the basement...
"OK, are you just going to leave out what we are wearing every day? You didn't even mention the fact that I was carrying my iPad 2 with the embossed Dior iPad 2 case!" Patrick yells at The Writer angrily.
"Well sorry Patrick, I am not Bret Easton Ellis." The Writer explains patiently as he turns 90 degrees to the left in his rolling chair.
"Listen dufus, I will cut your fucking Irish head off with this if you don't write what I want you to write." Patrick threatens as he starts up his Husqvarna 450 18-inch gas powered chainsaw.
"Goddammit Patrick, I don't get paid enough for this shit." The Writer says with much self-pity. "This isn't your own goddamn narrative, alright? Stop being such a fucking baby. You have a fucking Platinum AmEx and I only have food stamp. Goddammit I hate you so much!" The Writer cries out with anguish, but he collects himself before he embarrasses himself by crying in front of Patrick Bateman of all people. "I am the fucking narrator, so shut the fuck up or else I am going to write something to humiliate the shit out of you, you racist son of a bitch!" The Writer shouts over the obnoxious noise of the chainsaw.
"You love me too much for that." Patrick smirks, then adds, just for safety, "No homo."
"Oh yeah? How about a scene with you tied up and Jean doing a really good job at being a dominatrix?" The thought of this shuts Patrick up - not because he's scared of the thought of being a submissive to Jean, his secretary. Patrick has never found Jean sexy or anything, but this actually sounds rather erotic, and he starts formulating sick fantasies inside his sick, psychopathic mind.
*white noise*
*program resumes*
The camera follows a suspicious figure as it approaches Sebastian and Patrick. Said figure hides behind a bush as the two sexy men walk down a flight of stairs like two Calvin Klein supermodels, all the while sparkling in their charm. Sebastian senses that someone is following, so does Patrick, but the both of them pretend that they are not aware of it.
"What's for dinner tonight?" Sebastian asks casually.
"How about you cook? Mr. Demon Butler?" Patrick suggests smugly.
"Hey, you are not my master. And I have no contract at hand right now." Sebastian says. It's rare for demons and death gods to get along, but for some reason Sebastian likes Patrick. In a totally platonic way, because Sebastian is destined for Ciel Phantomhive. He knows it. You know it. I know it. We all know it. ( ^_^)b
"OK, seriously, that thing that is following me is driving me nuts." Patrick suddenly puts down his calm facade and confesses. Right, like he's not already nuts.
"It's not anything powerful." Sebastian reassures his psychopathic roommate.
"But it's just bugging me, it makes me want to... want to..." Patrick stalls. What does he want to do? Chainsaw bloodbath or dissecting it with kitchen knives? He can't decide. While Patrick is struggling with which method he is in the mood for, Sebastian turns around and acknowledge the figure behind them. He isn't in the mood for killing this early in the morning. If he confronts the person himself, Patrick would be forced back into his friendly facade.
"Hi there, Miss." Sebastian smiles his perfect smile that is capable of giving fangirls explosive orgasms. Emphasis on explosive. Like, their vaginas would literally explode and bits of flesh will shower down upon their own stomach along with their cum kind of explode. (What the fuck Patrick? Stop planting bombs in people's vaginas! D:)
"May I help you?" Sebastian asks the girl.
"Hi Sebastian! I am a huge fan of yours, and of Ciel too, of course!" The girl says with a heavy Southern accent, which irritates Patrick.
"Um... OK." Sebastian doesn't recognize this chick, and why would she be a fan of his? Has she been stalking him? "So is there anything you need from me?" Sebastian asks good-naturedly. Patrick pops a Xanax pill behind Sebastian.
"It's nothing really, I just want you to model for me." It was not a question. The. Southern. Accent. Patrick wants to cut her tongue out with a pair of scissors.
"I've actually just done some modeling for a drawing class last week." Sebastian states. "So is this for a class or are you asking for a private modeling session?" Sebastian asks suggestively. The reason why Sebastian does modeling is because he likes to display his sexy, perfect scaled body in front of people. He has a constant need for it. Patrick knows this, and he thinks that Sebastian is a complete narcissistic attention whore for that. But then again, that's excusable, he is a demon after all.
As the girl keeps ignoring Patrick, the attention whore inside of Patrick snaps, and he goes up to the girl, still a bit jittery, and introduces himself. "Hi, I am Pat Bateman."
"Who are you?" The girl doesn't shake his hand. "Are you Sebastian's new boyfriend?" She demands.
"What?" Both gentlemen make the David Silverman face simultaneously.
"No, I mean I am totally cool with you fags having sex with each other and whatnot." The girl reassures them in her thicker than the goo that was used in the Born This WayMV southern accent.
"Wow, now, wait a second." Patrick gets between Sebastian and the girl and attempt to rationalize. Her sense of fashion is completely turning him off, and Patrick is thinking how there's no way in hell that he would ever fuck her. If Sebastian does, he is going to make fun of him so hard. Her tits are so small. "I am 100% heterosexual, and I hate fags." Sebastian looks at Patrick begrudgingly.
"That's horrible, you shouldn't hate fags, they are people too!" The girl exclaims. "I like gay people. No, I love them. I always wanted to have a gay best friend!" Sebastian facepalms. Who the fuck is this ignorant ass motherfucker?
Patrick is about to retort, but Sebastian interrupts before more homophobic slurs can be pronounced. "We never got your name down."
"My name is Madison." The girl smiles, but the way she smiles reminds Sebastian of something very very unpleasant. "But you can just call me Maddie." She winks. Totally kawaii.
"OK, look, Madison-" Patrick attempts to make an argument about how gay people are disgusting and should be burned and electrocuted, but Sebastian stops him.
"So, Madison-" Sebastian clears his throat. "Maddie, why do you need me to model for you?"
"Oh, I am famous for drawing pictures of you, I just thought if you would model for me I can get even more loyal followers who will worship me." Madison says casually.
Sebastian has no fucking idea what she is talking about, and is beginning to think this person is a runaway from an asylum nearby.
The girl notices Sebastian's lack of response. "Just model for me, OK? I deserve it for being such a loyal fan to you. I promote your fame, you should promote mine in return." She whines.
"Bitch has a point." Patrick nods, making the Obama not bad face.
"Oh, I also see potential in you... is your name Mark?"
"Patrick." Sebastian says. Patrick never gives a shit if people get his name wrong. He basks in the fact that people always get him mixed up with someone else.
"Yeah, Patrick, you should come by too, you will make a great William!" Madison says happily, she has already recognized them as a couple, there's no convincing her perverted mind otherwise. "Anyway, I have mad skillz, get it?" She laughs, but no one else is laughing. Sebastian begins to think that this is a complete waste of time and he doesn't really want to do anything that this Madison is telling him to, but it seems like a sinister external force is coercing him once more.
"Just look me up, you will know what I mean. My full name is Madison-Bethany." The girl writes it down on her notebook, then tears the page off and gives it to Sebastian. "I will e-mail you for the details about the modeling session."
Madison walks aways, leaving the two gentleman completely dumbfounded and not knowing exactly what the fuck just happened.
"Did she compare me to William T. Spear?" Patrick asks. "Or is it another William that she was talking about?"
"We are totally late for class." Sebastian remarks, ignoring Patrick's question.
"You know what, let's just skip and have a brunch somewhere expensive." Patrick suggests.
"Actually, Patrick, I think we need to talk." Sebastian says.
"Stop talking like that, it makes you sound like a fag."
"It's important."
"OK... that's what they always say." This scenario reminds Patrick of the last time a gay person confessed to him about his feelings.
"We will talk when we are back in the dorms." Sebastian says monotonously. "If you are going to skip class to get brunch, go ahead, I am still going." The two part in front of the George Washington statue.
Patrick walks around the campus, enjoying the stares that he is getting from the girls around him. But actually he is just imagining them in his head, no one gives a shit about him. Nonetheless, Patrick is happy, and that's all that matters. The thought of having to confront Sebastian is in the very back of his head and he's just enjoying this walk. The breeze and the girls wearing neon Nike shorts walking by... everything is good... until he runs into William.
"Hey Bateman." Patrick is thinking, oh shit. "You still haven't hand me a report of your last mission." William says sternly.
"Um... I have it... on my iPad."
"I want a printed copy, hand it in to me personally by 2 PM tomorrow." William doesn't like Patrick. Something about this man just shouts out 'liar'. He doesn't mind slackers. Ronald is a slacker and he's fine with him. There's something about Patrick that really irritates him. However, Patrick is very efficient, there is no denying that. William's boss has even mentioned that he's thinking about giving Patrick a promotion, making him the same rank as William himself. "Where are your glasses?" William asks.
"They are..." Patrick put his hand in his left pocket and pulled his Oliver Peoples glasses out. "In my pocket." He puts them on, then smile at William. William is wearing his customised reaper glasses with a Calvin Klein frame. He is also wearing a Calvin Klein suit, half black gloves also by Calvin Klein. Patrick thinks that William is a stingy bastard, because with his salary, William can certainly afford more than just Calvin Klein.
William doesn't reply and walks away. Patrick gives him a middle finger from behind.
And just like that, the chapter ends. The Writer shuts down the computer and decides that he should go talk to his boss about a pay raise. But when he walks into his boss's office, his boss is fucking a fish like a boss.
A/N: I want to thank Fetus again for helping to get a firmer grasp on what kind of character Madison is. :)