A/N SMeyer owns all things Twilight, I just get to play in her world. Thank you to my darlings, you all know who you are and what you mean to me.
All sense of time eluded me as I sat shrouded in darkness amongst the trees, the battle raging on within my head. Though I had managed to loosen its grip against my thoughts, the monster still lurked in the shadows, refusing to be shut out and silenced.
Perched upon the fallen leaves with my head in my hands, I fought to control the evil still churning within me. My hands fisted into my hair as a growl erupted from my chest.
"I will not let you control me!"
Lifeless bodies with empty eyes clouded my vision, as the final pleas of my victims roared within my ears. The monster began attacking my conscience, ripping holes into my fragile hold on reality. The voices intensified as moments I had not recalled began to resurface. Faces I had originally thought to be victims of the attackers became victims of mine. I was able to see my reflection in their eyes as I moved to sink my teeth into their skin.
The burn intensified as my body remembered the feel of their thick, warm blood coating my throat as I drained their lives. I could still hear the breaking of nails as many of them dug uselessly into my stone skin in a weak attempt to escape my grasp.
Horror raked through me as I recalled the sense of excitement I felt as they fought. The grin that would grace my lips as their pleas became laced with tears and their bodies began to reek of fear. I had enjoyed their pain, revealed in their desperation.
I wanted to be sick, wanted to purge the hatred and blood from my system. But like many other things that were denied to me by this existence, so was the ability to give back that which was already taken. Their blood and fear would forever be a part of me, coexisting with the monster that captured them.
Using this knowledge, I began to erect a cage to hold the monster, a cage made of the victims that I stole. Their blood and their memories would forever serve as a barrier, a constant reminder of what I was capable of. A reminder of my need to control my thirst; to protect others from myself.
The sound of a twig snapping in the distance brought my head up as my body instinctively took the crouching position. Though I may have been able to contain the monster, my body still had to relearn its reflexes.
The sweet aroma of warm, fresh blood filled my senses as I saw the shadow approach. The sweet bouquet acted as a flint igniting the fire within me as venom pooled against my tongue. My need to feed overpowered the bitterness swirling within the nectar as my feet carried me toward its source. The flames grew exponentially as I neared the mass laying against the damp earthen floor.
In a clearing, amongst the wildflowers laid a freshly slain buck. His eyes frozen in supplement to the gods as his bounty lay bare for the offering. A slow trail of crimson ran down from the arrow buried deep within his shank, gold feathers gleaming in the sunlight. Without removing the instrument from the carcass I quickly sank my teeth into its neck and drank greedily. A sense of hope filling me as the warm fluid coated my soul.
Fully satisfied, I disposed of the empty corpse and sat in the warm sun exposed by the clearing. Tiny bits of light refracted against my skin as the heat began to radiate within my body.
The soft, steady beat of an approaching heart caused my mind to start searching out the owner. Peaceful thoughts of hope and absolution met me as her eyes fell upon the man sitting in the meadow.
A deep sense of regret and longing filled my soul as I was assaulted by her forgiveness and pity. Had these qualities come from anyone else, I would have been angry. I would have sought out retribution for their pity, denied them guilt for my own actions.
How could I possibly face this creature being the monster that I was? I took her father from her without a trace of thought, using my anger and vengeance as a guise for the demon that I am.
She lowered herself to the ground beside me as I looked up to meet her steady gaze. She wasn't running, wasn't fleeing from the devil. Instead she decided to stay and entertain a son of Lucifer, effectively laying her life in my hands. So we sat and waited, though for what, I was not sure.
Her thoughts remained simple as she began to plan her next move. She sized me up to see if her brother's old clothes would fit to replace the tattered rags that hung haphazardly from my body. She tried to decide if a trip to the river or a warm basin would make me feel more comfortable while cleansing the dirt from my skin. What she didn't know was that I could already feel the shift in the atmosphere. I knew that if we continued to sit here she would interpret the impending rain as a sign from the heavens. She would think of the cascading drops as gifts used to cleanse my body, just as her mercy would inevitably cleanse my soul. I didn't have the heart to deny her this.
I couldn't tell her that my soul no longer existed, that a wicked monster had consumed me and drowned my humanity in the red crimson of my sins… That I was destined to walk this earth for eternity bearing the mark of the devil, while innocence such as hers was destined to be shared for a short time. Comparing her life to a single ray of sun warming the ground and creating life, her brightness would light the path for many, but time would take its course and diminish her flame, until the evening stars began to fight for her favor as darkness overtook the sun and extinguished her luminescence.
A solitary drop fell from the damp gray sky, landing against the plane of my cheek. It slowly took the trail of a tear as the cavity within my chest opened simultaneously with the skies. The soft gasp beside me was accompanied by the thoughts I predicated as the rain began to rinse the grime from my body.
Sobs wracked through me as guilt and loathing overtook me. The feel of the moisture against my skin was my undoing as warm hands laid to rest against my forearm. I refused to allow my eyes to connect with the green spheres attempting to glimpse within my soul. Her head cocked to an odd angle as she peered at the pain laid bare upon my face.
The slight shivering of her body caught my attention as I noticed the blue hue creeping against her lips; she was cold.
What kind of a creature lets his salvation sit in the cold rain simply for his own comfort?
A monster.
The demon suddenly took notice of her slow pulse as his talons tore and rattled against the bars of his prison. His confinement held strong, but his shrill cry of anger nearly ripped through to my own chest. Ignoring its desperate pleas, I focused my attention solely on the chattering teeth of my unlikely companion.
Forgetting to match my pace to that of a human, I moved quickly, gripping her tiny form to my hard chest before seeking shelter. I heard her thoughts as she noted my cool hard skin and the speed at which I was carrying her. These details did not frighten her, instead they simply added to the mystery that she was cradled to.
Her mind quieted as she relinquished her thoughts to enjoy the serenity of the moment. The feel of the rain against her skin, the security of strong arms wrapped protectively around her body.
Moisture intensified her scent and her close proximity already had me battling the precarious hold I had over my senses. Without taking a single breath I ran, clutching her against my chest until we were back to her little shack in the middle of the woods.
Pushing the door aside with my foot, I carried her into the building as a fireplace against the far wall caught my attention. Making sure to place her gently against the ground, I released her to change out of her damp clothes. Making my way to a dwindling stack of wood, I began to effortlessly create flames for her to warm her skin. The bright colors danced before my eyes as I stared at my only salvation. The flames would be able to warm her cold body, but their heat could not touch my soul.
A fleeting thought of dancing with the flames caused a deep depression to set within my chest. Not for the loss of my existence, but for the pain that it would cause my family. Carlisle and Esme deserved something. As she sat warming herself and thanking the heavens for their gifts to my soul, I quietly withdrew from the room and made my way back out to nature.
Being too small and frail, she had been unable to attend to her father's body the way that he deserved. It still lay beside the door, the mud pooling against the wrinkling flesh. Slowly, I retrieved his body and made my way to the graves that I knew lay to the rear of the house.
Dismissing the use of tools, I sunk my hands into the earth with as much force and precision as my teeth had sliced through the flesh of my past. With each handful of dirt excavated, a silent prayer was said. No longer did I pray for myself, instead the prayers named my victims. Pulling their faces from the vestiges of my mind, I began to list them by name.
Not wanting to taint the ground with their horrid memories, I skipped the evil monsters from the days before my sanity escaped me. Instead, I recalled the innocent faces of their victims, the people that I originally set out to save. Only now did I realize that to trying to save them was futile, much like myself, they were already dead.
When the hole was deep enough, I slowly lowered the body in. Treating this corpse with the dignity and fragility that one would a newborn child, carefully laying the man against the freshly dug soil.
The need for self redemption overtook my senses as I bent in penance inside the shallow grave. A flash of purple caught my eye as I looked up to see a sprig of Hyssop swaying in the afternoon breeze, the irony of its meaning not escaping me. Even in death this man was attempting to ward off the evil spirits from his beloved family. Without taking a moment of thought, I gently removed a sprig and placed the plant against the man's chest.
"May this better protect you in the afterlife than it did in my world. For your forgiveness and your family, I will forever be in your debt. You now have the devil's child on his knees."
I stepped out of his grave to let the blessings of the sky wash away any taint left behind as I began to replace each grain of sand with my bare hands. The rain turned the dirt into mud as it sloshed back into the grave until the man was no more than a mound of earth. Refusing to leave the site bare, I retrieved a fallen log from the trees and carved a single word into the bark; metanoia.
Giving one final inspection, I left that spot in the woods and began to wander into the fading colors of twilight. Just like my soul, the world was at odds, the colors and purity of the day mingling with the bleak, lonesome darkness of the evening. Neither winning over the other, instead agreeing to a waning truce. A truce neither side ever planned on keeping, knowing the natural course of nature would take over and force the world to be covered in a blanket of black.
There was only one difference, my battle was not against light and darkness, instead it was to what degree of darkness that I would allow to reside within me. I would never escape the bleak existence that I was forced to live. My soul would remain tarnished and black no matter how many holes were punched into my armor, the light would never again shine within me.
I continued to walk, stopping only to feast upon any woodland creature that was unlucky enough to cross my path. My nose crinkled at the smell, but my gut never refused a meal. The owner of the blood did not matter to my being, merrily to my senses. With every drop of animal blood, the demon began to quiet, as if his strength depended solely on my thirst for the blood of humans.
Embracing the isolation of the forest, I fed off the bounty of nature. The warm liquid would soothe my thirst, yet my body would still crave more. Just as I could not repress the memories of my actions, the taste of the sweet copper nectar still sat upon my tongue. The feeling intensified as their life coated my throat and my teeth sank further into their pliable flesh. The screams as their impending deaths consumed them cast them back into the shadows that were once their security. My mind had become an eternal playground of guilt and loathsome hatred.
Lost in turmoil, my body carried me through the scenery. It wasn't until I was standing in view of a familiar building that I realized where I had gone. Spread out before me was the familiar brick house that I fled from all those years ago, and nothing had changed. Not the inviting blue door or the pair of caramel eyes staring at me from the doorway.
The joy emanating from his thoughts caused me to cringe. I did not deserve his love or his warmth; I was unworthy of anything except hatred and contempt. Opening my mouth to tell him to hate me, I was bombarded by the thoughts of love emanating from Esme's mind. She truly thought of me as her child. She would always believe that there was still good within my soul.
How could I share my darkest secrets with the only two people that cared for my existence? Would the knowledge of my deeds simply dirty their minds, or would the truth behind my demons clear them of their obligations to me?
What would I do without them, where would I go?
I could wander the world for the rest of eternity, forever repenting for my sins. That would be the selfless decision to make, but I had embraced another demon.
I needed them, for no other reason than my own salvation.
I chose, in that moment, to never speak of my sins with anyone. My mind would be the only one haunted by my deplorable actions.
Embracing my parents, I accepted their love. Even while their cool arms and loving thoughts engulfed me, I knew that I would forever be damned to walk the Earth isolated and alone.
A/N Metanoia - repentance, the process of experiencing a psychotic "break down" and subsequent, positive psychological re-building or "healing"
The Hyssop plant - The Hyssopos of Dioscorides was named from azob (a holy herb), because it was used for cleaning sacred places. It is alluded to in the Scriptures: 'Purge me with Hyssop, and I shall be clean.'
Thank you for taking this journey with me, please take a moment and leave me your thoughts.