The Road Not Taken
Note-I read that you have to retire at 57 in the FBI. Wonder how old Rossi is? As far as Derek's dream goes that rule doesn't exist, since its just his dream anyway.
Morgan and Garcia
Chapter Four
Derek Morgan could hardly believe that he and his wife had just dropped their youngest child- their second daughter- off at college. Was it really almost thirty years ago that he first called Penelope Gomez and then baby girl.
Two more years and he'd be sixty. Not that he planned to retire then or at sixty five or even seventy. He'd keep teaching new recruits in the FBI till they kicked him out. Penelope didn't mind it. She knew he needed to keep in the game somehow.
As he drove away from the college he looked over at his wife, who was knitting a baby's blanket in the passenger seat. Their second son was now on his third kid.
"Baby girl, wanna grab some dinner before we get on the highway?"
"I'm beat, honey. How about we get take out when we get close to the house? Can you hold out till then?"
"Sure thing. I'm pretty whipped anyway. She couldn't get a dorm with an elevator?"
"That dorm is where all her friends are living."
"To be young and not mind climbing ten flights every day."
"You used to run ten flights just for the fun of it."
"Not for fun. To keep in shape and sexy for my baby."
She smiled at him. Her smile was still magnificent. In that moment he flashed to many times over the years when they took car trips with the kids, or with their friends, or when they went up to Chicago and saw his family. All the times Penelope was sitting in that passenger seat, looking gorgeous, with different hairstyles and hair colors over the years but always completely breathtaking in his eyes.
If he couldn't have this life with her then he would rather have no life at all.
(And if you got to sleep
for a moment
on the road
I'll steer for you.
-x-x-
And if you wanna work
the streets alone
I'll disappear for you.
-x-x-x
If you want a father for your child,
or if you only wanna walk
with me a while
across the sand,
I'm your man.) (Leonard Cohen)
XXXXXX
May 2010
Reid rambled off grim statistics about coma, vegetative states, and the chances of full recovery for Derek. Hotch had just gotten to the hospital but already he was sick of hearing it.
He was tired, cranky, terrified, angry, regretful, missed his son, hated the set of circumstances they were all in and had hit his breaking point.
"Shut up!" he yelled at Reid.
Everyone in the waiting room turned and looked at them. Reid had been there for hours already. They were taking turn staying with Derek. Though JJ was needed at home with her son she didn't feel she could go. No one felt they could leave because if they did it would seem like they were saying they gave up on Derek waking up anytime soon.
It had been four days. Long, tiring, painful, tearful, miserable days.
Reid startled at Hotch's screaming at him.
Hotch said "I'm sorry. I need air." He turned to walk out and then looked back. "I lost my cool. I was out of line."
"Statics don't matter. There is always the person who beats the odds. That could be Morgan, right?"
"Yes, it could be," Hotch said, his tone stoic, before he turned and left.
XXXXXX
"No, Kevin, I can't come home." Penelope stood outside the hospital speaking on her cell phone. "No! They didn't JUST say that he might stay this way forever! They ALSO said that he might wake up any second now. There's no reason to think he won't!" She tried to calm down when he quickly apologized. "I know you're just worried about me...No, I'm sorry. I'm so very tired and I can't sleep out here. Back in California for the first time in fifteen years and it doesn't feel like home anymore. More like hell on earth...Love you too. Bye."
She sank down and sat on a bench. Staring at the cars driving by, and the people walking around, she wondered why the world looked so normal. Didn't anyone care about the good man- the hero who fought for all of them- who was laying in a hospital bed upstairs?
Only a handful of people cared about Derek. But Penelope thought the whole world should stop if he was unconscious.
It didn't seem right that it went on as normal without him. She never could.
XXXXXXXXX
It was something the nurses and doctors were used to seeing when a patient was in a coma. But that didn't make it any easier to hear the gut wrenching screams for him to wake up.
Family and friends seem to think if they yelled really loud it might jar the person out of their coma. It didn't work that way but desperation made people do things they knew to be futile.
Emily had been in his room visiting. She didn't like to go in there. It creeped her out. But each day she went for a few minutes anyway.
She had leaned close to his ear and whispered "Derek, I am begging you to keep fighting. We need you on the team. We can't do this without you. We need you here. Fight, damn it. Derek! Come on. Wake up. You gotta wake up!"
That day her quiet begging turned into yelling as the desperation took over. Being in that hospital made time seem strange. Four days felt like months. It seemed as if he was slipping away and if he didn't wake up right then he never would.
She didn't realize before now how very much she had come to regard him as family, not just a friend, and she couldn't stand to think he would lay in that bed till they buried him.
"DEREK! WAKE UP!"
A nurse rushed in and she was pulled out of the room. Soon Emily found herself falling into nearby arms. As JJ held her they both cried because they couldn't do anything to help Derek now.
XXXXXXXXXXX
On the fifth day there was a meeting with the doctors. They were told that everyday that passed lowered Derek's odds of waking up but they were still doing all their tests and monitoring him. They were not writing him off, they said.
Penelope sat next to Fran, holding her hand, while the doctors spoke about transferring Derek to a long term care facility if he did not wake up within the next ten days. That was their deadline for him.
Behind where Penelope and Fran sat, in the small office, stood the rest of the team.
Penelope could tell that everyday this was wearing Hotch down more and more. He had lost so much already. He had to bear so much guilt. Now this was more for him to bear.
She rubbed her head. The headache she had just wouldn't go away. She had been having crazy thoughts lately. Like how she wished she had kissed Derek, made love to him, that he had wanted her that way back before she ever met Kevin. She wished she had his baby. Some part of him she could hold and see Derek's eyes again.
She wanted to wear his ring on her finger. Carry his last name. Sleep in his bed, smell him on the sheets, care for his home and his dog and his child.
She wanted the world to look at her and know she was Derek Morgan's love.
For all the times she swore she was over her crush on him, that her love for him was platonic, she knew now it wasn't true. She loved him in a deep, soulful way, and would give anything to spend her life with him sleeping in bed next to her, calling her his wife.
But if he would just wake up she wouldn't push for that dream to come true. All she wanted was for him to wake up again.
The next thing Penelope knew all the doctors were gone and the room was empty, save for Rossi. He said "Lets get you some dinner."
"I don't feel so..." was all she got out before she threw up in the nearest trash can.
XXXXXXXXXXXXX
It was dawn on the seventh day when Derek's eyes opened again.
Penelope was sleeping in his room, curled up on a chair, because she couldn't bear him to be there alone all night. His mother would come each day as soon as visiting hours started. She'd get Penelope to the cafeteria and insist she have some breakfast. They would talk for a good hour before Penelope would take a cab to her hotel for a shower and a nap. That was their daily routine.
But this day Penelope woke up to nurses and doctor's in Derek's room. She jumped to her feet, tossing off the thin, white hospital blanket. She couldn't see him because of staff surrounding his bed.
"What's happening?" she asked
A nurse turned, unblocking her view, and she saw his eyes were open. Her hand shot to her mouth. The doctors were talking to Derek and testing his responsiveness. The tube was out of his throat now.
Penelope longed to hear his voice but she just saw him nodding his head yes or no.
"Ma'am, I need you to step out."
Penelope wasn't given a choice. She was assured into the hallway. Aloud she whispered "Oh, God, thank you, thank you, thank you."
Though she wanted him to recover to one hundred percent she would not complain if he couldn't get there again. All she needed was him here with her.
After a long while the doctors came out and one informed her that Derek had to have more tests. His throat was too raw to talk but he had spoken a few words. He had that cognitive function. It would take time to see if his memory and ability to think clearly was impaired or not. He did have the ability to swallow, which they said was extremely important for him.
"Can I please see him now?"
"If you stay calm and don't expect him to be able to talk to you."
"Yes, doctor, I understand."
She was allowed inside and rushed over to the bed. Not being able to help herself she kissed all over his face, happily, and then caressed his cheek. Lightness came into his formerly fear filled eyes as he gazed at her.
He mouthed "Baby girl."
She started to cry happy tears that fell all over his face. "Never scare me like this again, Derek Morgan!" She lay her head down on his shoulder. "I love you. I always and forever will."
He was able to, with considerable effort, raise his hand and clutch hers.