A/n: Sorry for the lengthy time in between updates but been busy with college stuff, with our milestone yesterday so I've been recovering from that and will be back to updating this little drabble hopefully regularly now. Please read and review.
Disclaimer: Don't own anyone or anything, unfortunately, but hey ho!
Chapter 4
It was more than Alex Drake could cope with as she curled up in a fit of hysterics, Ray had got Luigi to put on some Frank Sinatra and he was singing along like an extremely camp club singer, gyrating his hips and generally making a plonker of himself in his somewhat inebriated state. She began holding onto her sides as the tears started to roll down her cheeks, "you have to get him to stop," she giggled, "its really beginning to hurt now!"
Gene looked on amused, he could honestly say that this had been the first time he had ever seen Alex truly happy and he didn't want that to end, even if it was through someone else's misfortune, namely that of Ray's. "I can't ask 'im t' stop," he joked, "'e'll 'it me … 'ard!"
"Rather that than have my sides split from too much laughing, wouldn't you say! No wait, second thoughts, don't!" She stuttered, "that'll make me laugh even more!" Her laughing continued as she visualised Ray knocking Gene out for the count just because Gene had asked him to stop singing.
"Thanks for the vote of confidence," he said, mock hurt flashing his features, "it's nice to know that my DI 'as faith in my ability to keep me staff under control!"
Her laughing subsided momentarily as she focused on his face, "Gene, I never meant that you couldn't control …"
He cut her off, "Alex, I were teasin' you! Look, do you want t' get some fresh air?"
"Like last time?"
"No! It just might help; calm thin's down a bit! Besides, I need a smoke!"
"You never normally go outside to smoke!"
"No, well I'm bein' polite for a change!" He got up to leave and was slightly surprised when she followed suit. He questioned her with his expression.
"I need some air; need to get my breath back!" He nodded, helping her into her jacket before reaching for his coat. They made their way silently through the crowded Italian and up the stairs. As soon as his foot hit the top step he searched in his pocket for his cigarettes, removed one from the packet, placed the packet back in his jacket pocket before attempting to find his lighter. Where the hell was it?
"Looking for this?" Alex said, holding the now lit Zippo up to the cigarette that was perched between his lips; he inhaled so lighting the cigarette before taking it from his lips and exhaling the smoke. "You left it on the table. Can I?" She asked, motioning toward the cigarette.
"I didn't think you did?" He questioned, holding the cigarette for her to take.
"I don't, not anymore anyway. I tried it for a while when I was at University, gave up when I was having Molly!" He watched her as she took a long drag, sucking in the poisonous fumes whilst her eyes closed and her head rolled back. She handed it back before releasing the smoke and looking him straight in the eye, "it's just sometimes alcohol doesn't hit the spot!"
He gulped, her involuntary actions had made his body respond in ways that he wished he wasn't feeling at that moment. How could someone make smoking look positively lascivious? He wasn't sure how but Alex had done it, the way her ruby lips had closed around the stick, the way her breasts had been drawn upwards when she'd sucked in her breath, the closing of her eyes, her hair falling from her face as her head went back. She was leaning against the wall with one leg raised up, her foot leaning against the wall with the rest of her body, totally relaxed and as she'd gently taken the cigarette from her mouth and opened it further to exhale, he'd been transfixed, watching her every move however slight. The cigarette was now in his hand and he inspected the end, her lipstick evident.
His hand shook as he brought the cigarette to his lips, he was having big problems, not only with what he'd just seen and the way she was still leaning against the wall but also with the knowledge of where his cigarette had just been, that tiny piece of paradise that he had forbidden himself to attain on several occasions. His heart was in his mouth and it was racing as he quickly finished the offending stick, throwing it to the pavement and stamping on it with much more force than was necessary, he had to calm down.
"Are you ok?" He felt the question rather than heard it, his head coming back up whilst allowing his eyes to rest back into her gaze. He noticed that her own were glazed, probably from the cigarette, but she still looked lovely and her concern was evident. "Gene?"
He smiled fleetingly, as he stood stock still to her right side, his hands clenched inside his trouser pockets as his heart continued to somersault in his chest. "Yeah," he finally purred, "absolutely fine!"
"Are you sure? You just look like you're miles away?"
'If only I were!' He thought, "I'm fine, 'onestly. Ready to get back to me pint though!"
She smiled, "Yes. Look, Gene, I'm going to go up!"
His demeanour dropped, "Now?"
"Yes," she nodded, "I think I ought to, I'm feeling a bit tired and we've got tomorrow to get through yet!"
"Right, well if you must!"
Alex sensed his reluctance at letting her go, he obviously had felt that tonight was going to last longer than it should've but she didn't want to be in the middle of the wreckage when they would all eventually be thrown out by Luigi and be on their respective ways home, not tonight. And she knew that if she was left to her own devices for too much longer than she would start unashamedly flirting with him, things would begin to heat up between the two of them again and there wouldn't be any possible way of them being able to stop. God, she wanted him but she needed to know that he wanted her too and that hadn't been very evident in the past few weeks, they'd avoided one another whenever they could and then she'd put in for that damn transfer as well, hadn't she!
Gene broke the silence first, watching her as she straightened her frame up, the flowing skirt of the shirt dress swirling around her legs as she stood up away from the wall. "Why?"
Her forehead knitted together, "why, what?"
"Why did you put in for the transfer, Alex?" Could he read her mind? It was as if he could, the thoughts that had gone through it recently now being made public by Gene.
"I wanted a challenge and this new programme that was being set up at Scotland Yard seemed like the perfect opportunity!" She answered quickly, the statement sounding a little too rehearsed.
"Bullshit!" He swore, angrily. Why was she lying?
"I'm living my life, Gene!" She bristled.
He caught her arms in his hands, pulling her to him. "And why can't you do that 'ere, with me?"
"You didn't want me!"
"Not this again! Alex, I were doing the right thing!"
"For who? You, me, who?"
"The rest of the team! They need both of us to be professional!"
"And we can't be responsible adults at work when we're sharing our personal lives together? God, that is some damn archaic argument, Gene!"
"Is it so archaic that if I'm sharing me bed with you that I wouldn't want t' look after you? Is it so archaic that I'd want t' beat up any bastard that ever came near you an' 'urt you? If anythin' ever 'appened t' you an' I weren't there to protect you, 'ow do you think I'd feel?"
"I can look after myself!"
"Can you? How many times 'ave I 'ad to save your arse already? An' generally because of your own stupidity?"
"Bastard!" She cried out, tears brimming and threatening to fall at his condescending attitude with her. Two could play at that game, though. "But then this isn't really because of me is it, Gene? It's because you're so damn scared of women!"
"I'm NOT scared of women," she could feel him shake as he still held onto her, she could fell his grip tightening on her arms, bruises would appear before too long if he didn't let go soon.
"Ok, maybe not scared of women. I believe you're actually scared of relationships, you don't want a meaningful relationship with a woman because that will stop allowing you to do the things that keep you lonely, like drinking and spending all night in the pub!"
"NO, I'm not!"
"Then what the HELL is it? What the HELL did she do to you?"
"'Oo?"
"Your ex-wife?"
His arms dropped to his side and he turned from her, the last thing he wanted was for her to know she was right, to know that the memory of what his wife had done to him was too painful for him to bear.
She closed the gap between them and put her arms around him leaning herself gently against his back. "Perhaps you need to exorcise those demons before you can move on?" She asked.
He pulled free of her grasp and turned to face her again, his eyes were watery, his face sullen. "Exorcise those demons," he spat out, "I've exorcised enough of them with every woman I've ever slept with since the bloody night she finally left me, but none of them ever made me feel whole. Yeah, I'm scared of relationships because everyone I've 'ad, an' that ain't many, everyone 'as left me feelin' completely destroyed, an' when it comes to pickin' up the pieces there are never enough to piece me back together. Me father hated me, me brother left me, my wife took everythin' I 'ad 'cause I couldn't give 'er the one thin' she wanted most an' then left me for another woman, an' then Sam! I've lead a shitty existence so far, Alex, an' I can't see it getting' much better! An' I can't believe that's what you want for yourself, to live a life with a man that's not completely whole an' would feel totally inadequate in your presence." He shook his head and turned on his heel, making his way to his car.
"Gene, I'm sorry!" Alex pleaded at Gene's retreating figure, "what about tomorrow, you're still going aren't you?"
He stopped in the middle of the road, turning back to her briefly, "I don't know, Alex, just leave it eh?" He strutted off again, getting into the Audi and sitting there briefly before turning the ignition. He'd watched her as the tears ran and she'd turned, running up the stairs to her flat, before he'd driven off.
Alex slammed the door behind her and pulled off her boots as she made her way to her bedroom, she looked over the waiting duvet remembering the recurrent images she'd had of Gene in her bed just after she'd landed within the covers. But she was on her own, and she flung herself down onto the covers, shrieking from the pain she'd just caused and sobbing at the fact that he'd now never be hers. If he'd felt anything for her at all she'd managed to kill it with her persistent questioning.
It hadn't quite been the Christmas Eve she had envisaged.
Alex eventually heard the persistent banging on her front door as she came out of the trance like state she had woken up into. She got up from the bed and moved quickly through the flat. "Alright, alright!" She shouted, finally reaching the door and opening it, "Ray? Hi!"
"'Ello, ma'am. The Guv' phoned me an' asked me to pick you up."
"Right!"
"You're not ready?"
"No," she frowned, "what time is it?" She asked going back into the flat and searching out a clock. Ray followed her in.
"'Bout 12.30, we're supposed to be goin' to Chris'!"
"Yes, is Gene not going then?"
"Don't know, 'e said someat 'ad come up. You alright?" Alex's heart sunk, she sat on the arm of the sofa and let her head fall. She was stricken, what had she done? Her hands went to her face and she began crying again. Ray knelt in front of her and lifted her head up so that he could look into her face, "you're not are you?"
She shook her head, "no, not really Ray. Gene and I argued last night!"
"Again?"
"What do you mean?"
"You two are always arguin'!"
"Not like this, I think I finally did it last night!" She sobbed.
"Did what?"
"Broke him!"
"Eh? What d'you mean?"
"Ray, I'm in love with him!"
"I know!"
"You do?"
"Yeah, known for a while. Knew it were gonna 'appen the first day you two argued, day we got Layton!"
"What?"
"Back in July! An' if it's any consolation, he loves you too!"
"No, he doesn't!"
"Yes, he does!"
"But how do you know?"
"'Ow long 'ave I known 'im, ma'am?" Ray asked, sarcastically. "I've seen that look before, when 'e met 'is wife! Only this time, it were different, it were more!"
"I don't understand!"
"I've never seen 'im fall so 'ard for anyone. 'E's 'ad plenty of women, since she went an' there 'ave been the odd one that 'e stayed with for a while but I've never seen him like this. Not before. What did you argue 'bout?"
"Why I put in for a transfer and what his ex-wife did to him!"
"Don't follow?"
"Ray, he asked me why I'd put in for a transfer!"
"Why did you, if you don't mind me askin'?"
"Because I couldn't stand to be near him if I couldn't have him. Then I turned it around on him, and told him the reason we hadn't started our relationship just after the Price's were killed because he was scared of relationships!"
"'Old on, starting a relationship, you two?"
"Yes, he was going to kiss me in the alleyway and decided against it. Told me that he had to do the right thing and not start anything with me!"
"So then what 'appened?"
"He told me that he was scared of relationships because everyone he'd had had ended badly. He then told me that he couldn't be with me because he would feel inadequate in my presence," she sobbed. "He left then!"
"Oh, right, well look are you gonna get ready!"
"I can't, Ray. Can you apologise to Chris and Shaz for me, I really don't think that I'd be good company today. I just want to go back to bed and see if I can sleep."
"Ok, ma'am. If that's what you want, I'll leave you to it. Happy Christmas!"
"Yes, you too." Alex let him out before retaking her position on the bed and sobbing herself to sleep once more. She'd known that she was going to have a rough time over Christmas but never imagined it was going to be that rough. She only hoped that Chris and Shaz wouldn't be too upset.