When Will the Rain Stop?

by KurokoKawaii17

"Why did they always have to give me such a hard time? It wasn't just one or two of them. They all did. Everyone I knew gave me shit. They insulted and demeaned me if I messed up or didn't understand something. It was like this all the time, and I've had enough. I'm so tired. I'm just so damned tired of it all. I get that I'm a failure. They didn't need to tell me..." Ichigo POV

4. Chapter 4

CHAPTER 4

*Thank you So much to all of those who've reviewed, favorited and followed! I really appreciate your words and support! This is it guys; it's the end. I sincerely thank you for sticking with me and for reading my fanfic. I hope that you like it. =)

Disclaimer: I do NOT own Bleach or any of its characters!
Warning: Sad, depressive theme

I hope you enjoy! *

"So," she drew out in a curious tone as we walked down to the academy. "They determined that your punishment would be wavered if you studied and graduated from the Shinigami academy and work for the Gotei 13?"

"Yeah," I answered quietly as I followed… Rukia, if I remembered correctly. I wasn't really paying attention to her or where we were going since I was still trying to accept the fact that I'm a spirit with spiritual powers. I felt power surge through my system, but I didn't know if that was strange, or normal… it felt mysterious to say the least. However, that was not the only thing that distracted me… What ate away at me was the information that old man didn't tell me.

All he had told me was that my name is Kurosaki Ichigo. I died in an accident due to severe head trauma – hence the missing memories - and that I'm now a spirit with spiritual powers because of a 'katana that had the 'reiatsu' of the captains in the Gotei 13 and several other strong individuals.' That's all he had told me before he'd said that the higher-ups had decided that – since I don't remember the 'sins' that I've committed in life - or anything before those sins for that matter - to give me a free pass if I go to the Shinigami academy and worked for the Gotei 13.

I considered not doing it, but then I thought that it wasn't fair to take responsibility for a crime I didn't know I had committed. Moreover, it's not like I am left with any other choice. I could have either been punished for something I didn't know I did, or I could avoid punishment and learn how to use my new powers. I thought the latter sounded more appealing.

So, there I was, walking down a new path, through a place that seemed somewhat familiar. It was as if I'd been to Soul Society before. 'Have I been to Soul Society before? Does that mean I died and figured out a way to come back to life? Was that my 'sin?'… Was I really that smart to figure out something that stupendous?'

"We're here," Rukia announced, interrupting my thoughts. Looking up, there was a large building that looked like it was from feudal Japan loomed over us. It fit the historical Japanese theme the rest of Soul Society had. I realized that I wasn't sure how I knew what feudal Japan looked like… but it seems as though I remember things that aren't really relevant to me. So that's great.

"This is the Shinigami academy? It's huge," I mutter in awe. At the corner of my eye, I saw students run around, they seemed to be late for some class as they scurried away, and I noticed that they all seemed to wear the same thing as the actual Shinigami, just in different colors. "Are those the uniforms?"

"Yeah. Girls wear red while boys were blue. Now, lets get going. We need to let the teachers know that you're here. Since you don't remember how to use your powers, and we know that you're really strong, we've set up a special class that will teach you higher leveled skills for you to take in addition to all of your other courses," she rambled thoughtlessly as she opened the door. I stopped in my tracks just before I stepped into the school; she turned back towards me with concerned curiosity, but I was just enveloped in shock.

"I… I had powers before…?"

Her eyes widened at my question before they fell to the floor, regretting that she had even said anything to begin with, but I didn't care if she regretted anything. I just wanted to know the answer. Yet, this simple desire went ignored as she regarded me blankly.

"Come on, Ichigo, we need to go. The next six years of your life starts now."

Scoffing at her, I shook my head. She gave me a skeptical glare, but before she could say anything, I smirked cockily and walked past her mumbling: "I'll be out of here sooner than six years."

"Damn, he called it," Renji grumbled as he leaned back against the outer gate wall of the Shinigami academy and rubbed his neck.

"I know," Rukia responded in a slightly irritated tone whilst she impatiently waited for me to come out of the school building. I had just graduated a few days before, and today was the day that I moved out of my dorm. All of my things were already transported to my new apartment; these two were just waiting for me to finish whatever business I had to attend to before I finally left this place.

Though, I was just on the other side of the gate, eavesdropping on them as I masterfully hid my reiatsu. Even after the three years that I'd been studying and working my ass off to learn how to use my otherworldly powers, I trusted no one. I don't know why, but something at the back of my mind was screeching at me to always keep my guard up. Especially when I thought about why they would want to waver my punishment. The only conclusion that seemed to make the most sense was that they wanted to use me. However, I wasn't sure that that was the case so, with all of my suspicions and whenever the opportunity presented itself, I'd eavesdrop.

"When he said that, I was doubtful, however - in retrospect - it was foolish of me to doubt that he'd graduate early. His mind may have forgotten everything, but I'm sure his body remembers what he'd forgotten. So, not only did he surprise his teachers and the superiors, he must have surprised himself."

Renji gave her a sideways glance. "Yeah. I bet that once he's assigned to a squad, he'd get a captain position quickly since we still need a good captain. We've still been cycling between half-assed captains in certain divisions for a while now and we need someone who can hold a captain position for good."

Deciding that this was a good time to reveal myself, I strolled out from my hiding place with confidence. "Well, you're in luck."

They whipped their heads towards me wide-eyed. "They offered me a captain position since one of the captains had just stepped down," I informed them with a cheerful smile on my face.

"Wh-who?" Rukia asked quietly, completely taken back by something, though I wasn't sure what. Like Renji had just said, they've been going through captains in certain divisions that it began to be the new normal in those divisions, so that's nothing to be stunned for. Though, I decided to not pay too much attention to her reaction as I happily informed them of the good news.

"Captain Hirako from the fifth division. The captain-commander told me that he decided to step down and let me take his position while he served as my vice-captain. He'd said that lieutenant Hinomori quit from the Gotei 13 officially for personal reasons, so it was okay for him to take the vice-captain's seat. I wasn't really sure why he'd do that for me, but when I talked to Captain Hirako in private, he had complained that he'd grown tired of being a captain; but he didn't want to retire from the Gotei 13. So he pounced on this opportunity since no one else wanted to command the fifth division. I mean, I could understand why, with what that Aizen guy did, but that was just an individual acting irrationally, it's not the whole damn unit's fault," huffing, I crossed my arms over my chest and scowled. The duo seemed to be speechless as they watched me talk almost non-stop, so I took the silence as an opportunity to tell them more great news.

"Plus," I placed my hands on my hips in slight exhaustion, "I was unsatisfied just getting the position, so I decided to take the captain's proficiency test. I took the test like an hour or two ago, and guess who passed! I kept dogging Kenpachi since he was one of the supervisors until he caved and shouted the results at me!"

Their jaws dropped as I smirked with confidence and pride.

"You passed?! You can already use bankai!?" They shouted in union. I chuckled at their astonishment as I puffed up my chest.

"Yes and yes! Thanks to that special class and training in my own free time, I was able to use and master it!"

"Whoa! That's great, Ichigo! Let's go celebrate your graduation and captaincy!" Renji hollered as he hooked an arm around my neck and ruffled my messy hair. I scowled and roughly shoved him off, smirking at how he was laughing heartily. Rukia just smiled at our antics and her eyes shown in nostalgia.

'I wonder what she could be reminiscing about. Maybe it was a time when I was in Soul Society. Or maybe it was when I was a friend of theirs in the past. At this point I'm sure that Rukia, Renji, Captain Hirako, Captain Toshiro, Matsumoto, Ikkaku, and Yumichika were all my friends based on their reactions when I told them that I'd lost all of my memories. I think Captains Kenpachi, Kensei, Lisa, Byakuya, Kyoraku, and Kurotsuchi were my friends too, or they were at least a bit more than just acquaintances. Nevertheless, I don't trust any of them.

'Ever since I was literally shoved into Soul Society I didn't trust them - despite how I act around them. I mean, how could I trust them? They still haven't told me anything about my past… though; I never insisted that they tell me. If I had pushed the matter, they may just choose to back out of the deal and punish me for whatever crime I had committed. If I get punished, I may lose what little chance I have to find out my past… even if I had to do it all on my own.

'I knew Zangetsu wouldn't help me, but it doesn't seem like it's because he doesn't

want to. When I had met him I was shocked. He looked young and pale, he had part of a black hollow's mask and one of his eyes looked like a hollow's, however his appearance was not what I was surprised me the most. He gave me the most heart-wrenching expression I had ever seen, rushed up to me, and hugged me.

'I was flabbergasted at his actions, wondering why a spirit I had just met was hugging me, but before I could ask him, he backed away and told me that he wouldn't tell me what had happened because he has something he wanted to protect. My gut was telling me that he was referring to me, but I didn't push on the matter. Besides, he looked very torn as to what to do; almost like he wanted to help me, but he just didn't know how. It was apparent that he was wondering if not telling me was the right choice.

'Nevertheless, I respected his decision, and when he tested me to see if I was worthy to learn his bankai, I learned that I had a hollow; but for some reason, I wasn't as terribly shocked or terrified as I though I would be. It kind of surprised me that I wasn't reacting strongly to such pertinent information, but it felt like I had already known. So, instead of being paralyzed with shock, I just continued training, and I eventually achieved bankai. Then, I secretly practiced using my hollow's mask in a cave that my feet carried me to when I was roaming about. It looked like a desert area with a blue sky – even though it was underground. I didn't really question it since it was a useful space to master my hollow's mask without anyone knowing.

'I wasn't really sure why I was striving for greater power that could potentially ruin my chances of getting into the Gotei 13, but I'd realized that I was doing this all for the sake of learning my past. I'd realized that I wanted the power so I would feel less… powerless. I'd realized that I was thinking about using this power to gain captaincy so I could have enough authority and flexibility to figure out what had happened. I'd realized that I'd do just about anything to find out what had happened since I – for some

reason – have the strong desire to know my past…

'I could just choose to accept that I lead a new life now… but I feel as though I've forgotten something important… something that means more to me than anything that this world could

ever offer me…'

"I-chi-go!"

"Huh?" I blinked and saw Rukia glare at me with her hands on her hips, watching me expectantly.

"Wh-what was it, Rukia?" I inquired hesitantly, glancing back at Renji and silently asking him for help. With wide eyes he gave me a firm shake of his head. 'Looks like no help was coming my way.'

For some odd reason, that thought stung. It gave me a sense of hopelessness and dread that mixed together in the pit of my stomach. Why was I plagued by my trivial thoughts?

"Ichigo!"

My head snapped down to look at her irritated countenance. It seems as though I had spaced out and pissed her off again.

"Ah, sorry, what were you trying to say," I mumbled as I rubbed the back of my head. She rolled her eyes at me as she huffed.

"Ugh, sometimes you're so hopeless," she exhaled and fixed me with a scowl. This sentence poked a needle into my chest. 'Why would she say that so seriously? It's not like I did anything so wrong... maybe I'm just taking everything too seriously. She surly hadn't meant that, right?'

"Come on," she mumbled as she turned to leave. When she realized that I wasn't following, she turned to look at me with big curious eyes, as if she were wondering why I wasn't moving. "Lets go and celebrate."

"Y-yeah," I responded with uncertainly as I trailed behind the other two Shinigami.

Soon enough, all of my friends were celebrating my captaincy at Renji's place. They all talked, joked, ate, drank and had a wonderful time overall. I guffawed at some people's antics and joked with others. Kenpatchi almost started a fight with me for kicks, but it was quickly broken up and the normal party fun resumed. However, throughout the whole celebration, I felt distant.

Loneliness lurked within me even when I was surrounded by my friends. Could I really call them my friends? What do I really now about these people? Throughout all this time, it felt as though they were keeping me at an arm's length. I don't really know these people as well as I want to believe – but I had really wanted to believe that they were my friends...! Though, even if they were, I knew that they wouldn't be able to fill the hole in my heart. I knew they wouldn't be able to make me whole.

Ever since I woke up to that bizarre scene, I had always felt that there was a part of me that was missing. At first, I couldn't put my finger on it, so I chose to ignore it by acting naturally. Yet, as the time went by, the emptiness was slowly driving me crazy, it wore me down like a file on jail bars: the emptiness was a convict in my head trying to break out by filing away at my energy. So I began to think, and think, and think. Finally, right before my bankai training I had a revelation. This all had something to do with the blue-haired corpse.

When my eyes rested upon him, I felt something break inside. I was so shocked at the time - I couldn't really sort my feelings – but I remember that I felt as though I had lost something precious when I saw him… I was heartbroken. I was wretched.

I still am. I'm still grieving. I'm grieving for a man that I do not know. I'm grieving for a man that I do not remember, and I don't know why.

"Heeey! I-chi-go!" A loud drunken voice hollered over the numerous noises in the room. I snapped out of the gloomy daze that I hadn't realized that I was trapped in. My eyes lifted to see a shit-faced Renji barreling towards me.

Jumping out of the way, I let him stumbled face first into the chair that I was sitting in. He toppled over, taking the chair with him in a huge crash that made everyone's head turn in curiosity. Loud intoxicated laughter filled the room as I went out of my way to help the poor bastard. I sat him in a nearby chair, took his drink away, and gave him some water and an onigiri for him to snack on. He didn't seem to care about the drink and food I put in his hands as he got lost in his tipsy daze, but as soon as I took a seat next to him, he snapped out of his thoughts and stared at me in complete seriousness.

"Ya know, Ichigo," He began with an obvious slur as slouched in his chair and looked me right in the eye. "Why don't ya ask 'bout yer past? Ain't ya curious? Ya know - I don't get ya. I'd be askin' left an' right if I were you! But you! Ya just smile, say 'kay, cool,' and walk forward! Yer such an admirable son-of-a-bitch!" He bellowed as he gesticulated wildly. Many emotions made their way on his face as he spoke. Emotions like bewilderment, curiosity, and… disgust. He must have been disgusted by my seemingly gallant ways as I walked 'forward.'

Not really knowing what action to take, I just stared at him with a blank mien. ''Admirable?' What the fuck? Of course I want to ask! Of course I want to fucking know! … No… Stay calm… You can't be rash when you're lying to the people around you… I should act carefree, it's to be expected of my persona… besides I shouldn't take him seriously, he's drunk off his ass… I'm so stupid,' I reminded and reprimand myselfas I put a smirk on my face and got up from my seat.

"That I am, Renji! I'm the greatest," I lied in a cheerful tone and barked in laughter. I told him and several other - more sober - people that I felt a bit sick so I was going to leave early. They all smiled and waved goodbye to me, wishing me good luck with my new position.

Once I was far enough away from that party, I began to run. I wasn't sure where I was going since I had nowhere to go at the moment. I just wanted to go somewhere away from all of my problems. Not to my cramped apartment filled with boxes of my belongings from the academy dormitory that I was living at for the past three years. Those damn boxes reminded me that I had a new authoritative position. They reminded me that my life was going to change again. They reminded me of how much time had passed since I woke up in that park.

"Damn that fucking park!" I roared, finally erupting after holding back for years. I slammed my heels into the ground, stopping abruptly and forgetting about being cautious for once. The anger, frustration, anxiety, fear, confusion, and depression all swirled around in my chest and stomach, storming violently whilst they gripped my very core.

"Why am I so hung up on that fucking place?! Why can't I fucking move on?! Why do I feel the way I do?!" I shouted into the night. Consumed in my grief and ire, I screamed all of the questions that ate away at me every second of every day for as long as I could remember. "Why was I in that park?! Why was he dead?! Why am I dead?! Why was my fucking corpse over his?! Why am I a spirit and not him?! Who was he?! Who was I?! What happened before I died?! Why won't anyone fucking answer me?! Goddamn it all! Why?! Why me…?! Why him…? Who the fuck was he…?"

I was filled to the brim with wrath, but as I cried into the night, my anger dwindled, and my sorrow began to overflow to the point where I began to weep.

I was being gutted by the powerlessness and despair that I felt for not knowing any of the answers to my questions. I was being torn apart by the guilt and regret of that man's death. It was like my skin was suffocating me with feelings of worthlessness when I thought about his death. I was wasting away from the inside out as a permanent weight rested in my chest and on my shoulders. All of which caused the energy to seep out of my weary bones. I was sinking in an ocean of agony; the melancholy dragged me down, drowning me.

Even with all of these intense emotions, confusion squeezed itself in. I couldn't understand why I felt the way I do, why I couldn't remember, why I didn't trust anyone around me, why that man was so goddamn important to me, why no one spoke of the past around me. I just wanted to know why.

My mind started to reel, going faster than a fighter jet. 'Why…? Why do I know him? If I hadn't known him, then maybe I wouldn't feel so fucking shitty. Maybe I wouldn't have died, then learned that I've died by seeing my own bloody carcass. Maybe I would still be alive, living whatever happy life I was living before all of this Soul Society stuff. Maybe I wouldn't have forgotten anything!' Though, as soon as I thought this, the weights on my shoulder and in chest intensified tenfold. All of the depressing emotions I was being tortured with exasperated.

I wept without blinking; my tears came so plentifully that they provided enough moisture for my eyes to consistently flowed out onto my cheeks.

'I'm the fucking worst. Wishing I didn't know a dead guy that I couldn't even remember. I don't even know his fucking name… I shouldn't curse him… What the fuck is wrong with me. It's not his fault any of this happened. Besides, he's… dead… fuck. It hurts so much… just… just make it stop.' I plead silently; looking up at the night sky for answers that I knew wouldn't come: asking for help that I knew I wouldn't be blessed to receive.

The dark sky was filled with stars and the full moon shone as if it were producing its own light, high and bright in its place in the sky. Only when I saw the numerous stars did I realize that I had ran into the forest and stopped in a small clearing that was filled with clusters of small blue flowers that had yellow centers. My shoulders slumped as something stirred in me. A slight headache arose when a bit of forgotten information made itself known once again.

'I… know what these are,' I thought numbly to myself, feeling another small part of me die. 'These flowers are … they're forget-me-nots…'

I don't know how long I stood there crying, but I did know that it took a while for me to finally calm down to the point where I wouldn't break down again. 'I have to keep it together. I'm a captain now. I need to get a hold of myself. If I don't keep my composure, they'll figure out something is wrong, I can't let that happen. My friends can't suspect anything before I figure out what happened.' I repeated in my head until I mustered up the will to leave the clearing.

Eventually I had found my apartment and in my utter exhaustion I passed out asleep on the cool wooden floor of the living room.

"Whoa – Captain Ichigo – you look like shit. Did you get hammered at the party or something? I thought you left early," Vice Captain Hirako asked with mild curiosity once he saw the panda eyes I was sporting. I was on my way to formally introduce myself to the division until I bumped into him in the hall.

"Yeah, I left because I felt sick. I was so sick that I couldn't fall asleep until late into the night," I yawned, feeding him false information as I stretched.

"You sure it's just that, Captain?" He fixed me in a stare that screamed that he knew something whilst he smiled. "You seemed haunted by something. Are you going to be okay?"

"I'm just nervous about meeting the rest of the division. I'll be fine," I respond quietly, without missing a beat. I directed a half-hearted smirk and a one shoulder shrug his way - all just to sell the thought that I was nervous. To be honest, I was simply tired; I just wanted him to get off my back.

"Hm, okay," he replied in a tone that told me that he wasn't convinced with my acting as he shrugged and walked towards the meeting room for the fifth division, dismissing the matter.

'Fuck,' my smirk fell into a morose contemplative frown. I walked behind my vice-captain so then he wouldn't suspect any more than he already has. 'He is a sharp one. I have to remember to be wary of him.'

"Captain."

"Hm?" I hummed as I was gently pulled out of my thoughts. Hirako raised an eyebrow at me as he jabbed a thumb at the door next to him.

"We're here."

Taking a deep breath, I glanced at him, gave him small nod, and turned towards the door. "Okay, let's do this," I muttered with slight tension in my voice. Hirako hesitated for a moment before he opened the door.

I stepped through with shoulders straight, head held high, and with a confidence that seemed to roll off of me. Many skeptical and a few frightened expressions all stared at me. Every pair of eyes bore into me, as if they were trying to sear a hole in my head, but I disregarded the intimidation by smirking at them.

"Hello," I greeted loud enough for everyone to hear, and my tone that gave the impression that I was a poised individual. I cast my gaze around the room before I introduced myself.

"My name is Kurosaki Ichigo. I am your new captain. It's nice to meet you all."

"You did well Capt.!" Hirako teased enthusiastically as he pat my shoulder while we walked down a hall to our quarters. I sighed softly as my eyes fell to the floor. The first meeting went as well as it could have. Only the majority of the division glared daggers at me. Some of them looked terrified, and there were even a few who seemed aloof to the whole situation. They all didn't trust me, and they didn't seem like they were even willing to give me a chance. This undisputed fact added to the burden on my heavy shoulders.

"Captain?"

Dragged out my contemplations, I glanced back towards Hirako with a curious countenance. "Hm? What is it, Hirako?"

He stared at me with an expression that was mostly blank but had a hint of pensiveness to it. "You know what," he crossed his arms as he fixed me with a firm stare, "you are going to tell me what's wrong, right now."

"Eh?" My eyes widened for a fraction of a second before I took on a blank expression. "What do you mean?"

"Oh don't fuck with me, Kurosaki," the blonde hissed as he frowned and glared disapprovingly at me. I kept up my expressionlessness as he continued. "I know there's something wrong with you, so spit it out already."

'Of course there's something fucking wrong with me. I don't remember shit before I died, and not knowing is haunting me, torturing me. That's not fucking normal… losing my memories isn't fucking normal… and acting like it is, is even more fucked up.'

"I can't spit out anything because there's nothing wrong. Come on, enough of this nonsense, we have paperwork to do," I replied casually, rubbing the back of my head and tousling my messy hair. Hirako watched at me with curious suspicion, a clear indication that I have to explain why I knew that we already have paperwork. "Before I met up with you Kenpatchi told me that earlier this morning there was a fight between a group from our division and the eleventh division. Apparently a member of the eleventh division was bullying one of our guys. It seems as though everyone in this division gets along well with one another, and – on a side-note – most of our division members seem to be well on their way to becoming great warriors based on their reiatsu."

When I finished we were standing in front of our quarters, and when the silence prolonged, I glanced over to my vice-captain to see his wide-eyed gaze at me in shock. My eyebrows furrowed in confusion. "What?"

The sound of my voice seemed to snap him out of whatever he was thinking as he blinked at me and gaped a bit before he spoke quietly. "You were never really good at sensing and judging others' reiatsu before. You were kind of like Kenpatchi in that way."

My throat clenched up as my body stiffened. My eyes were as large as dinner plates; I was almost mirroring his of us almost looking panicked at what had happened, and I kind of was. Hirako was usually so tightlipped, or so I had heard through the grape vine. It was amazing that out of everyone that I knew, he was the first one to mention the past…

"Anyway," Hirako cleared his throat as he quickly opened the door in front of us, realizing his slip-up as his relaxed his countenance and became expressionless. "Let's get to that paper work, shall we?"

"Wait!" I lurched forward and scrambled into of our quarters. I slammed the door behind me and I turned to face my vice-captain. He had his back to me as I spoke in a rushed manner.

"Hirako, just tell me this one thing," I tried not to sound as anxious as I felt as I waited for a response.

After a minute of painstaking silence, Hirako looked over his shoulder in acknowledgement.

"Did you know a man that had really light blue hair in a spiked up fashion, and with blue-green eye make-up under his eyes? He also had light blue eyes and sharp facial features. Did you know him?"

Hirako's eyes widen a bit before he turned away from me. 'He did know him… didn't he?'

"Ichigo, just fuckin' drop it. It's over now. That part of your life is over and now you have this new better life," his tone was low, almost threatening. I sucked in and held my breath. The atmosphere had instantly thickened. I swallowed, and a moment before I could demand more information from him, he twirled around, clapped his hands and chirped, "So, why don't we get started with our work."

With that, the conversation was over, and I was left with broken feelings that made me want to feel numb. I just wanted to know what happened. Not knowing was killing me; it felt as though my insides are being scooped out every time I thought about how I have no idea whom this mystery man was. Yet, despite these feelings of mine, I moved to my new desk and began to nonchalantly do my work as if my mind wasn't falling helplessly down an endless rabbit hole. At least Alice fell into a whimsical world. All I got was a bottomless pit that led to nowhere. At the time, I was so distracted with thoughts of him that I hadn't even noticed that I knew classic stories from the living world.

'How can I fucking forget? If I had forgotten it by now, then I wouldn't have asked, now would I?! How can I even begin to forget? … Shit. Even if I wanted to forget… I can't. I just can't forget. I've tried to, but when I close my eyes I see him, and he haunts my dreams at night.'

Sometimes in my sleep I see vivid images of him with different expressions flash before my eyes: his scowl, his lopsided smile, his wolfish grin, his smirk, his frown, his happy countenance; they all come and go; they're all fleeting. They left me feeling empty, as if I should have been able to hold onto them… but they were the memories that weren't there for me to hold onto...

Though, I did have two dreams where I saw little scenes of him doing something, but I couldn't hear what he is saying.

In the first dream, he was sitting on that same hill that I woke up on. He looked gloomy as he spoke, but no sound came from his moving lips. Damn, how I wished that I knew how to read lips... I felt as though we were discussing something very important. His expression went from sad to irritate to angry to sad again. Then he smiled at me after the seemingly long conversation, I felt something run down my cheek and a sense of relief I had never before experienced wash over me. His smile fell as he wiped away a tear and pulled me in his lap until I was done crying. After that we went to a modern-looking house that had a blue sign over it with the word 'clinic'… and then, I woke up, wondering where I was. The dream felt so real. It was like I was actually there.

In the other dream I'd had, I found myself in a crowded place. There were two people on a large stage - a drummer and a singer. Lights were flashing and shining everywhere as wonderful rhythmic music erupted in my ears. I felt sound of the bass drum vibrating through my very core as the music wrapped around me. The mass of bodies were all moving to the beat the drummer had set while they sang impactful lyrics along with the vocalist. I felt myself doing the same, and then I turned to that blue-haired man next to me. He was smirking with mirth in his eyes as he watched the stage, and then he turned to me when he felt my stare. When his eyes landed on me, his expression softened and he gave me a gentle smile, he seemed content and happy with life. I felt my heart thud against my rib cage, while acrobats leap around in my stomach in a rush to escape. I felt warmth invade me. Then… then we moved closer together and… we… we kissed.

I had woken up right after, and I felt tears pour down my face as I touched my lips. It all felt so… real. My feelings were genuine in the dream, and I couldn't help but feel woeful as I realized that… I'd had strong feelings for a man I don't remember. I… I have strong feelings for a man I don't remember. I realized that I was probably having dreams from when I was alive; these dreams were probably fragments of my memories, my heart shrivel and get torn out of my chest just to be shredded into a million microscopic pieces before I began to wonder.

Why did I even think that I was seeing my memories, and that it all wasn't just some realistic dreams? Well, it was more of a gut feeling than anything. It felt like… I was reliving events that had already happened, and I'm not really sure how else to think about it. It's not like I could talk to anyone about it anyway. I know that everyone around me is avoiding the past, so I have to keep this to myself and find a way to get more information. I… I have to know what that mystery man is. I just have to…

"Captain Kurosaki!"

"Huh? What?" I was yanked out of my contemplations to see Hirako fixing me with an irritated glare as he held out his hand. I glanced from his face to his hand, puzzled as to what he wanted. Hirako huffed in frustration and scowled.

"Give me that stack of paperwork. You seem to be done with it and there's more, so hurry up."

Well, color me surprised; I looked down at my desk and I really was finished filling out the documents I had to do. I quickly scanned through the papers to make sure that I had filled them out correctly, and once I verified that they were satisfactory I slowly gave them to him. I hadn't realized that I had finished a whole stack of paperwork. Hirako huffed again and snatched the papers from me, and then he dropped two new towering piles of documents.

"We have so much damn paperwork and it's driving me up the fucking wall. Hurry up with these stacks so we can just go home."

"Right," I mumbled as my vice-captain was already walking out of the room. I sighed and turned to stare at the piles before I went back to work. 'Note-to-self: Hirako really hates paperwork, so do paperwork as fast as possible to avoid bitchy attitude.'

"Hey, are you finally done with your work for today?" A gruff voice asked me from the doorway of my office.

Exhaling dramatically, I signed the very last paper. I glanced up at my vice-captain and gave him a small nod. I rubbed my face and then pinch the bridge of my nose in an attempt to ward off an awful headache. I'd been doing paperwork and small operations for the last week, and frankly, I feel as though my eyeballs are going to fall out of my fucking orange head. 'Once I get home, I'll take a long bath, brew some tea, and-'

"Well, not anymore," he grumbled, mercilessly bursting my bubble as he gathered a towering stack of papers into his arms and glared at them. Groaning, I pushed the heels of my palms into my eyes, hoping that they actually won't fall out of their sockets. "The captain-commander has a mission for us. Apparently there are some dangerous Arrancar in a place called Karakura Town, and we are the only ones available to deal with them. Most of the other captains are in different locations dealing with the same Arrancar issue. We need at least five captains to remain here in Soul Society, and out of the six remaining, we're the unluckiest in the bunch," he explained, his scowl deepening. "Damn, ever since the incident with Aizen, Arrancar have been popping up everywhere. It's so fucking annoying."

"Wait," I huffed. I moved my hands away from my face and folded them in my lap as I regarded him with grim interest. "Arrancar have been popping up everywhere? Why?"

His expression softened as he nodded. "Yeah, we've checked almost a hundred times to see if someone was making Arrancar or some crazy shit like that, but it seems as though these Arrancar were just parts of Aizen's huge ass army that had laid low until they'd decided that now was the time to wreck havoc."

I hummed pensively, got up from my seat, and began to walk out of the office. Scoffing, Hirako began to follow me as he tried not to drop any of the papers he was carrying. "Where are you you going?"

I glanced back at him and kept my expression as blank as a white piece of paper. "Where do you think? I'm going to 'Karakura town.' I have a mission to do."

: -:

"Okay, we're here," I mumbled under my breath. I took a glance at our surroundings, and it seemed as though we were on top of a tall building. Quickly noticing the rusting wired fence surrounding the perimeter, I absentmindedly walked towards the edge and took in the view.

The sun was just rising, casting a gentle glow of various shades of pinks, oranges and purples into the azure morning sky. The small town appeared to be waking up as the light crawled lazily over the modest buildings of Karakura town.

Fresh waves of nostalgia slammed into me with so much force that I almost took a step back to steady myself. 'Have I… been here before…? Every time I've been in the living world, I've never felt such familiarity with a place… Have I been here when I was alive…? No, that doesn't make sense … why would they send me to a place I might have been to before when I was alive?'

"Captain?" My vice captain called. I turned back to him, expressionless.

"Hmm?"

"Are you okay?" Hirako asked dubiously He seemed to be eyeing me for any signs of something being wrong. Was he observing me? 'This... is a test… Right? They want to make sure that I'm not getting my memories back, so they sent me to a place that I may have been familiar with to fucking test me. They're trying to keep my past from me, right? So … why would they take a risk like this?' My mind raced, but I remained straight-faced. I needed to lie: it was the only way to be able to obtain my obsession.

"Yeah, I'm fine," I responded as if it were obvious. "Let's get going; I can already feel some of the Arrancar."

'I also feel other reiatsu near the Arrancar… Are there people here who can fight?'

"Fuck… Orihime! Take care of Chad! I'll deal with this thing!" A lanky guy with glasses, dark hair, and a fucking bow and arrow make with blue-white light hollered as he rolled away from a ceros. He seemed pretty beaten up, and he had large lacerations in both of his thighs. It was actually rather impressive that he could still stand up with such injuries.

Hirako and I had just arrived at the scene, and I didn't really like what I saw. In the middle of the streets of Karakura town, there was an Arrancar that looked like a bloodied lynx-wolf hybrid. It had the characteristic head of a lynx, and the larger body of a wolf. It was actually a beautiful creature, majestic and powerful in its own right; but it was dangerous – more dangerous than the average Arrancar.

Upon looking at the beast, you could see its raw power in its lean legs and monstrous jaws. Its crystalline blue eyes pierced through me when it redirected its sharp gaze at me. My heart stopped. They were absolutely stunning, striking, and breathtaking. They made my blood freeze as I held my breath until my lungs burned. 'They remind me of him.'

"Kurosaki?!"

I blinked rapidly before I instinctively sprang away from a ceros that was directed at me. I glanced over to my left to see the glasses guy gawk at me.

"What are you doing here?! Where have you been?!"

I narrowed my eyes at him in confused suspicion. 'He knows me? Who the fuck is this dude? ...Oh shit, that's right! That bow! I've seen it in one of my textbooks! He's a Quincy?! Those guys still exist?!'

Before I could shout at the spectacles guy to get back, the Arrancar growled threateningly at me. I turned my attention to it and lunged. I sliced the Arrancar in two, separating it's dorsal section from its ventral section, so quickly that it was as if I had fazed through it. It's blood splattered all over me while it pooled underneath the two halves of the creature. It whimpered pathetically before it closed its exquisite eyes and died. As I looked down at the poor creature, sorrow gripped my heart. I was so puzzled as to why I felt awful for an Arrancar, that I hadn't heard the glasses guy yelling. "Kurosaki! I'm talking to you, you bastard!"

Sighing tiredly, I swiftly covered Zangetsu with his bandage wrappings. I glared pointedly at the scrawny male dressed in pure white. He seemed as though he was extremely intelligent and reasonable, but for some odd reason, he ground on my nerves. "Do I know you?" I asked slowly. My tone was a bit coarse whilst I kept my guarded scowl. Though, the other male's reaction surprised me.

He gaped at me with unadulterated shock for maybe one second before composed himself and became a blank slate. I've had various reactions, some more mild than others about my amnesia, but this one was probably the most calloused than I've been given.

"Apparently not," he muttered as he pushed up his glasses and began to walk towards his friends. The orange-haired girl was using a miraculous healing ability on the once injured large muscular man with the goatee and curly brown hair. The glasses dude, murmured something to his two friends that were regarding me in astonishment, and they had the same reaction as him. They were purely stunned, and then expressionless - as if they actually didn't care about my previous bond with them. A small sharp needle pain poked my heart at this sad thought, but then I comforted myself by saying that it was better to not know such people.

Suddenly, I felt two powerful reiatsu. They were on opposite sides of the town; one of them was nearby while the other was on the opposite side. Hirako and I exchanged glances before I spoke in an authoritative, yet polite tone. "I'll get the one on the other side of the town, you get these kids out of here before taking care of the one on this side."

"Roger."

With that I leapt from rooftop to rooftop to go kill my prey. Though, during the whole trip there, I wracked my brain on how to go about uncovering the past when the people I used to know didn't seem to care. 'Like I thought, it seems as though I can't rely on 'friends'… so how do I do this?'

"There! Another one down! That… didn't take as long as I thought it would," I huffed as I cleaned the Arrancar blood off of my Zanpakuto. I had still not figured out what to do now that I'm in a familiar place in the living world. I sighed; placing Zangetsu on my back as I masterfully hid my reiatsu. "Oh. That's his reiatsu. It seems as though Hirako just got to his opponent… well, I guess I'll take this opportunity wander around for a bit."

'I'll let my feet guide me. Like Rukia said, my mind may not remember, but my body does.'

I roamed and I roamed. All of the streets looked the same, just like the monotonous buildings, but despite how dull this town had turned out to be, I liked it. It was simple, modest, and proud in it's own rights.

Yet, like a lost soul I drifted, looking for something, anything; and I did.

Just when I was about to give up searching, my legs had carried me to a small clinic that was attached to a home. The large blue sign over the clinic entrance read 'Kurosaki Clinic.'

I cocked my head to the side before I strolled through the door of the house portion and took in the cozy living space. I was a bit weary of the name, since it was my own, but I assumed that it was just a mere coincidence. I'd also inferred that I might have been here before since this was the only clinic I've seen so far, so maybe I could find a file on myself, but my curiosity compelled me to at least take a look at the house. Besides, it's not like humans could see me.

"I… Ichigo…?"

My head whirled around to find a burly man start at me with his mouth hanging open and eyes as large as dinner plates. He had short, spiky, black hair and a hairy face. Shock jolted through my body as panic trickled into my system.

"Y-you can see me? That must mean you're not a normal human," I stated in wonder, keeping my eye on him as he slowly walked towards me until he stood directly in front of me. He stared at me for so long that I started to feel uncomfortable. I glanced away from his dark eyes as I questioned him in a polite and composed tone. "I am sorry for rudely intruding into home, I just let myself in on an impulse. I am sure you know this, but I am Kurosaki Ichigo, a captain of the fifth division of the Gotei 13. Who are you, sir? You are not just any human… you're a Shinigami, aren't you? I can feel some of your spiritual power… what is a Shinigami like you doing? Living in the human world?"

His eyes only grew wider as I spoke. For a moment, I was afraid that his eyes would pop out of his head. "Mister? Are you okay?"

"Ichigo…" he called just above a whisper, pain and shock evident in his face and voice as questions poured from his mouth. "What happened to you and Grimmjow? How did you become a captain? Where have you been all these years? Do you really not know who I am, son…?"

'Son…' I thought numbly as sullen surprise and understanding washed over me. "Were you… my dad? Or are you just some old guy who goes around calling random young men 'son?'"
The older man grew serious as he heard my response. I followed suit. The air in the room grew tense.

"You really don't remember me," he sighed as he walked to the couch and sat down. "That means that you don't remember your past. You don't know what lead you to become an occupant of Soul Society, or what happened to Grimmjow…"

He sounded so monotonous, yet he had a hollow tone in his voice that led me to believe that this man was actually hurt.

Suddenly, something struck me as odd. "I'm sorry to say that you're right, mister. I don't remember anything from when I woke up from some sort of accident that got me killed," I answered gravely, saddened that I have to tell this man upsetting news, especially if he was my father. "However," I continued firmly. "Something that you'd said… has made me curious. You mentioned someone named 'Grimmjow?' Who's that?"

"Wh-what?! You really don't know?! Shit! This is worse than I'd imagined," he exclaimed, flabbergasted as he pulled some of his hair. I just gawked at him until he began to quickly explain things at random.

"Look, Ichigo, I'm just gonna tell you about two things: firstly, you were a substitute Shinigami at one point," he stated rather blunt. The shock paralyzed me, but he didn't pause. "Secondly, I'll tell you what I know about Grimmjow – which would involve explaining some things before you met him," he stated firmly, placing his hands on his knees. I braced myself as I gave him my full and undivided attention. "You had lost your powers in a huge battle. When you had lost your powers, you seemed to have change from a strong individual, to someone more reserved, but who knows, maybe you've always been like that… Anyways, you got into more fights with other students or gangs, and… I didn't know what to do about it. You were acting very strange…"

"Strange?" I asked inquisitively, quickly discarding my prior surprise for curiosity.

He nodded as his eyebrows furrowed in sorrow. I frowned. He seemed so dejected that I felt the urge to ask him if he was okay, but I didn't dare to interrupt him. "You… you always came home with bruises from fights, your peers and teachers harassed you, but those didn't seem to much out of the ordinary, so I overlooked them, thinking that a tough kid like you would be fine, but then… then you started to eat less. You never smiled. You had deep bags under your eyes. You lost weight and never gained it back. You isolated yourself in your room. You always had a sad look in your eyes. Frankly, my son, you were miserable, and I had no idea what to do, so I did nothing… Then, you brought home a castaway."

"I what?"

He laughed almost humorlessly at my deadpan response, but he quickly regained his composure. "His name was Grimmjow. He was a young man with spiky sky blue hair, sharp facial features, and-"

My eyes slowly widened. "Light blue eyes…" I whispered in awe as I completed his sentence. We sat in stunned silence before he cleared his throat. "Do you remember him now?"

I numbly shook my head as melancholy consumed my expression. "I only remember things from when I woke up."

"… Holy shit… do you mean that you-"

"I saw his corpse when I woke up. I mean, I saw mine too, but at least I know that that was me. I didn't know who the other body was… please tell me more about him! I need to know." I knew I sounded desperate, but I couldn't help it. I've finally found someone who would tell me something about my past!

"I… I don't really know much about him. You really liked him though. He pulled you out of the dark place that you were in. He was a lively, zealous, kind young man. Though, he was a peculiar one since he had more spiritual power than an average human - but I just chalked it up to how you were before getting Shinigami powers," the old man sounded nostalgic when he recalled… Grimmjow. He must have taken a liking him.

'Grimmjow… that's his name. Why… does that name warm my heart and tear it apart all at the same time? Is it because I feel strongly for him?'

"Thank you so much, Mr. Kurosaki. I don't think I could ever repay you. However, I am afraid that I have to leave. I think my co-worker may grow suspicious if I'm gone for too long," I smiled genuinely as I turned towards the door.

"Wait!"

I stopped as casted a curious glance over my shoulder, doing as I was told. When he saw that I was actually waiting, he quickly asked me a question.

"Why would your 'co-worker' get suspicious?"

"Oh," I deflated, "because for some reason, no one wants me to find out about my past. I do not know why. Sorry, sir, I really should get going." I explained glumly before I waved goodbye and left. Truth be told, I felt somewhat panicked as dread seeped into, and wrapped around, my chest. 'Now that he knows that I wasn't supposed to learn my past, he'll refuse to tell me more. I should bail now that I have the chance.'

"Crap… should I not have told him anything?" I heard the man murmur to himself before I fazed through the door and went to find Hirako; ignoring the tiny bit of guilt I felt poking my stomach.

As I searched for his reiatsu I felt another Arrancar on the other side of town. I clicked my tongue realizing that Hirako was just going toward it. I huffed and decided to take it easy until either Hirako is finished or until another Arrancar shows up. 'I should go looking for more clues.' Nodding at that brilliant thought, I began to meander around, and think about my lucky encounter. 'Good thing I didn't tell him anything beforehand. He must have gotten excited about seeing me and told me what I wanted to know without a second thought. Damn, I'm awful for deceiving my father, but… considering how long I've waited for some sort of information - it was worth it… I finally learned his name… Grimmjow… just who are you? Why are you the only one that's still alive within me while my own father is nowhere to be found?'

"Shit… how did I end up at the beach?" I grumbled, irritated at myself for getting helplessly lost. I was so caught up with my thoughts that I wasn't aware that I was standing in the parking lot to a public beach. I sighed as I pinched the bridge of my nose. "Well, might as well walk around."
I took a stroll down the shoreline, lazily taking in the view of the deep blue ocean and the shops close by, until a particularly small rustic café caught my eye.

The sight of the café blurred with the smell of seawater, and sudden images flashing before my eyes; they harassed my senses. I grunted and grimacing as my eyes screwed shut. The backs of my eyes pulsed in pain as images of Grimmjow laughing, smiling, blushing, and scowling.

'Shit… my memories are trying to come back… while I'm awake…! Unohana did say that something like this could happen… I need to relax. It'll only be more painful if I tried to force them to come.'

Taking deep breaths, I carefully settled myself on the sand. Once I had calmed as much as I could, an image that same café became clear, but this time, I saw him walking towards the entrance, glancing over his shoulder with a smirk as if he were checking to see if I was following him. Then, there was a warm sunset filled with yellows, oranges, pinks, and purples, cast a glow across the ocean, making the water glisten brightly, like sapphires in a display, through a large window from that café: He burnt his tongue with a cup of coffee: A figure relaxing in the sand: Someone holding my hand: He walked beside me along the sand: All of these images flickered in my vision, and they disappeared just as quickly as they had come.

With each passing image the pain got more intense until it felt like a knife was being stabbed through my head repeatedly, yet I tried to remain placid. When the images began to fade, so did the pain until I was only left with an annoying headache. I lethargically opened my eyes, completely baffled at what had just happened.

'I… I went to that café and this beach with Grimmjow… I saw how he looked at me… affectionately when we were walking along the sand together… and I'm sure he was the one holding my hand… does that suggest that… we were closer than just friends…? Then… we were together? A couple? Y'know that makes a lot of since we kisses at that crowded place… but I'm still not sure if that was a memory or just a vivid dream… Were we lovers?'

"I need to know." I stood and brushed off the sand from my clothes. 'Hirako, an ex-captain, knew him… right? Well, if Hirako knows him… then that might mean that Grimmjow may have been a Shinigami? He didn't come back as a spirit… so he wasn't human, and he had spiritual power… and if Shinigami like Mr. Kurosaki can potentially live in the world of the living… then he could have been a Shinigami, and that means that there must be a file on him! I need to finish this mission so I could get back!'

I began to run, in search of more Arrancar to take care of to be done with this mission. 'I need to go.'

"Alright."

Swinging Zangetsu downward, I flung the blood off and created a new crimson streak on the road. I placed him on my back and went off to pursue the Arrancar that had slipped between my fingers.

'I'm almost done with all of the enemies on this side of town. Hirako seemed to have figured out that he should take care off all of the Arrancar popping up on his side of town. By killing Arrancar that only showed up on this side, I had hoped that he'd pick up on that. Thank God he's not stupid. Anyways, I've killed about six more of them… They tried to ambush me, but I saw through their ploy and slaughtered them. One of those bastards ran away before I could spill its blood, so now I have hunt him down.' I paused, closed my eyes, and focused. I scanned the area for its reiatsu and I found that it hadn't gotten too far. 'It's just ten minutes away… though he's moving pretty slowly so I must have gotten a good hit in.' I began to swiftly stalk towards my prey; but then something caused me to halt in the middle of a deserted intersection.

I froze in place. Cocking my head to my left, I strained my ears. I heard… music and laughter. My tired legs dragged me towards these pleasant sounds. Why did I think they were pleasant? I don't think that I've heard this type of unique composition... if anything I should have thought that it was outlandish and strange, yet I didn't.

The music and lighthearted conversation grew louder. I saw two high school guys walking in my direction. They were so carefree with wide smiles on their faces. They looked so happy and content as they played their modern music on a high tech device.

The images began to rush back while the annoying pain behind my eyes returned with a vengeance."This song…! I… I know it…"

"… I don't wanna fall, fall away

I don't wanna fall, fall away

I'll keep the lights on in this place

Cuz I don't wanna fall, fall a…way … "

"This is… the concert. Twenty-one… pilots? The song… my favorite? Fall away?" Pictures of my dream flickered in my vision. I could feel the strong bass reverberate in my core. The music became louder than it should have been. I saw the crowd's lips move with the music in the small snippets of my dream that surged forward. I saw him, illuminated in the vibrant stage lights. I heard him. Through the heart-wrenching music that plucked my heartstrings and beat on my eardrums, he muttered to me before we kissed, "I love you."

When the memory began to fade the pain exasperated. I was a statue as the boys walked past me, unable to come to my wits until the music was far enough away from me. The tension gripping my body slowly released me. I felt the air fill my lungs; I inhaled deeply to calm my racing heart. When did I drop to a knee?

'I… I need to get back. Grimmjow… I need to kill the Arrancar. I know you? Complete the mission… 'I… love you?' Who are you?!' My thoughts were ramming into each other, not making any sense, but I knew what I had to do regardless.

With the pain gone, and after catching the breathe that had escaped me, I stood, casted a sad glance over my shoulder to the boys that hadn't seen me, and searched for the Arrancar.
I didn't need to look for long though. The Arrancar was in some sort of park. It sneered and mocked me, but I killed it before it was done with its cynical rant.

I cleaned Zangetsu of blood for the hundredth time, but as I did so, he trembled. The sorrow that he was feeling was so intense that it flooded into me; yet I had no idea what he could be reacting to. I tilted my head in slight confusion as surveyed my surroundings. The understanding crashed into me like a rushing tide.

It was the abandoned park: the one that I woke up in, the one that was the setting of one of my dreams, and the one where I saw his mangled body. My heart fluttered and plummeted all at once. He comforted me here, and… he died here. Many sensations poured over me, but the emotion that overtook me was the strong urge to go back to Soul Society.

Rukia, Renji, and Byakuya were all here when I woke up… so there must be some sort of reason as to why they were there, and I can't figure that out in the living world. With my resolve casted in another layer of iron, I comforted Zangetsu by tenderly touching the blade. "Thank you, Zangetsu, for being sad for me, but I have to know. I have to know him. No matter what… even if it may cause me even more pain. I need to know."

"You need to know what, Captain?"

I spun around, startled at the sudden noise. Hirako was glaring at me with his arms crossed over his chest and mouth twisted in a frown. A sudden wave of panic and fear washed over me, but I repressed it as best I could. Taking a steady subtle breath, I held my ground. Losing my cool was out of the question. I can only hope that he would just drop it.

"I need to know whether all of the Arrancar are dealt with in this town so then we can leave and write our report. Don't you want to get done with all of the paperwork?" I grunted as I placed Zangetsu on my back. I cast a bored gaze his way, and I held his eyes before he gave in and sighed.

"Oh, well I figured that you wanted me to taken care of the Arrancar on the other side of town, so I did. Y'know, we've been waiting around for a little while and no other Arrancar have shown up, so it seems as though there're no more coming. I think that we're done. It was a lot faster than I thought, but frankly I don't care. Let's just hurry up and go back. There's paperwork to be done," Hirako grumbled as he dropped his arms to open a gate to Soul Society. He walked through without hesitation, and I followed, but just as I was about to step through, a sense of nostalgia washed over me. I glanced over my shoulder for a moment before I stepped through.

"I'm sorry, Grimm," I whispered thoughtlessly while the light surrounded me and brought me back to Soul Society. Once there, Hirako and I swiftly went to our offices, threw together a report, and plowed through all of the paperwork that stacked up on our desks while we were away.

"Is this the last of them?!" Hirako squawked as he barged into my workplace. I blearily glared up at him through tired eyelids. I rubbed the weariness from my eyes and I nodded. Hirako huffed an 'okay,' gathered the documents, and left. After a few minutes Hirako returned only to inform me that he is leaving for home. I waved him goodbye, and waited as I pretended to work to cast away suspicion. Members of my division that had warmed up to me wished me a good evening and went on their way. When the last of them trickled out, I was informed that everyone had left by the last individual.

"Captain, you should get outta here too. It's pretty late. I'm sure everyone has gone home by now."

I smiled at the faceless worker and told him I'd leave after I finished the page I was writing on, and he departed. After waiting for a short period of time, I switched off the light and prolonged my stay in my office. I scanned the area with my reiatsu and found that I was the only one in the fifth division building.

I took a calming breath before I soundlessly, but swiftly, left the building and headed for the Daireishokairō. Stealthily, I smoothly avoided any stragglers that walked the halls and roads. 'My best shot at finding information is the Daireishokairō, the Great Spirit Book Gallery. Access is restricted there, so I bet that's where they'd keep records that they don't want just anyone to know. There must be some important reports or a document concerning him… keeping his information in the Research Facility almost doesn't seem right… but if I can't find any information in the Book gallery, I had prepared in advanced. and sneaked all of the necessary passwords to have complete access of the Daireishokairō and the research institute. All I have to do is be careful…'

"Shit." I arrived at the entrance of the Book Gallery, but I had no clue if someone had seen me. That's what happens when you're lost in thought and you don't fucking pay attention! "Well, fuck 'careful' I guess. I better hurry the fuck up."

I opened the door as quietly as I could, and when I closed it with a soft click, I took quick steps to the strange stone that was actually a unique keyboard. My fingers flew across the keys as a holographic screen shown above me. Somehow, I managed to type his name correctly. I didn't even know that I knew I could spell his name… I didn't even know how I knew that he had a last name.

"Grimmjow Jeagerjaquez…" I whispered as I pressed the 'enter' key. I had found that there was a file solely about him and the screen told me that it was a specific filing cabinet towards the back. With my shunpo, it didn't take long to find it and shuffle through the countless files that filled it. When my eyes fell upon his file, I sucked in a breath. I plucked the file from the cabinet, dropped to the floor, slapped the file down, and almost tore it with how forcefully I had opened it. My eyes flew through the information, but as soon as I had opened the file, I stiffened. I was paralyzed by the shock. "He's a… hollow? An Espada? The sixth one? We fought? We were enemies?"

The memories started rushing back. I yelped as pain exploded in my skull. I ground my teeth and gripped my head, leaning forward with the intense sharp throbbing in my head. They all came forcefully, intensely, and swiftly. The pictures almost went backwards – starting with when I had died up to my earliest memory. They flashed so quickly that they almost seemed to overlap with each other, but that wasn't a problem.

I remembered.

Mom was murdered because of my childish incompetence. I killed the hollow, Fisher – who had killed my mother. I remember Karin, Yuzu, and my stupid Shinigami father. Rukia gave me Shinigami powers, helped me train, got kidnapped by Byakuya, and I rescued her from being executed. Renji and Byakuya were my foes, we fought, then became bothers-in-arms and friends. I fought many hard impossible battles. With my help Aizen was defeated and sealed away, losing my powers and 'friends' all in one fell swoop. Throughout it all I was miserable and depressed. Then, Grimmjow quite literally barged into my life when he went through my fucking window. He… was the love of my life. He was my most important person. I couldn't protect him. I lost him…

"Grimmjow…" His name fell from my chapped lips. Through hooded eyes, I glared at the open file. I didn't even have time for anguish as intense scalding indignation took over my senses.

"They killed him. Rukia… Renji… Byakuya… they murdered him… I… I!"

"Stop! Who goes there?!"

Hurried footsteps approached me. I snatched the only picture I had found in the file and tucked it away in my clothes as I slowly rose to my feet. By the sound of the footsteps, it only seems as though there were two or three Shinigami.

"Captain Kurosaki?! What're you doing here? We saw the gates of the Daireishokairō open. We thought it was someone suspicious… but it is strange that you're in here. Usually no one is really allowed to come and go through here except for Captain Ukitake, and other select few people… wait… Captain Ichigo? Aren't you one of the only captains that aren't allowed in here…?"

They didn't get the chance to receive a reply though… since I struck them down and left. Materializing my mask over my face and swiped Zangetsu through the air, I destroyed the Daireishokairō.

"I'll… destroy," the growl came out gurgled and broken in a fit of wrath through my developed hollow mask. Shouts of confusion could be heard in the distance. I leapt into the air, black reiatsu following behind me in spiraling streaks as I soared towards Byakuya's home. "I'll destroy all of you! Getsuga Tensho!"

The gigantic black slash ripped through the night sky and decimated the expensive mansion. As soon as my foot touched the ground I launched myself at the rubble, towards the blurred figure that came at me. Sparks flew as swords collided. Byakuya scowled and snarled at me, his countenance consumed with annoyed anger, yet he faltered when he saw the rage behind an ice cold glare that promised death. He opened his mouth, but all that came out was a grunt as I parried his sword and cut off his left arm.

"What are you doing?!When'd you get a hollow mask?! Kurosaki!"

Before he could even register what had happened, he was kneeling before me. I stabbed him repeatedly in the chest, each wound varying in depth, within a blink of an eye. Ignoring his curses, I stabbed him until he fell into unconsciousness, and when he fell, I left to pursue my other targets. Speeding through Seireitei, I damaged buildings and roads as I searched. I was like an ominous wind that wrecked destruction as I went; I destroyed the path with every footfall as I looked for my prey. Within a blink of an eye, I reappeared before my 'friends.'

"Ichi… go? You got you're… hollow's mask back? Why…? What're you doing, you moron?!" She squeaked, her voice trembled as the terror was etched into her features. Renji took a tentative step towards me, standing between her and me whilst he glared and analyzed me.

"Ichigo," he called in a low and cautious tone, as if he were addressing a dangerous beast. "Are you really betraying your friends?"

Prolonged silence hung over our heads. A fresh new wave of ire crashed into me. "Friends?" my gnarled voice practically rang through the night. "I don't have any friends to betray. At least, not here in this wretched place."

Within the span of a single moment, I lunged forward and broke his right arm. In shock, he was unable to move as I littered his torso with lacerations. His face was contorted in pure disbelief, pain, and confusion, and when his mouth opened in an attempt to yell at me, I quickly jabbed him in the back of the head, effectively forcing him into unconsciousness.

Suddenly, something white hurtled toward me. I blocked it with ease.

"So what? Are you just taking out your anger?!" She snarled with tears in her eyes.

"'Anger?'" I knocked her off balance and kicked her in the abdomen, sending her flying a few yards away. "I'm far beyond anger. Even I could practically see the malice rolling off of me. I don't think it's so simple – and as miniscule as – petty anger. There is a single word to describe what I'm feeling. Though, it would also be incorrect for saying that this is revenge. This is… harvesting what you've sown. It's getting what you gave."

She took her time getting up on unsteady legs. She scanned the ground and found her sword was a few feet away from her. "How is that any different from revenge?"

"Well," I began evenly, disappearing and reappearing right before her, "revenge is such an ugly word. This is retribution. Soul Society, my so-called 'friends,' you've taken everything. I have nothing more to lose. So, why should I care about what happens?"

"You have your life to lose!" She bellowed as she tried to make a counter attack with one of her Shikai's special abilities, but I disarmed her before she could move into a battle stance. I pointed Zangetsu at her, tilting my head a bit to the side as my eyes narrowed into dangerous slits and my tone became lifeless.

"I lost that too; don't you remember? You took it."

The realization, shock, and terror in her eyes were clear, but they didn't make me feel anything but ireful. With intensified emotions, I lunged at her, growling menacingly and watching her face crease with horror. In one fell swoop, I cut off her right leg, and cut her inner left thigh where her artery used to be intact.

She howled in agony, writhing in an attempt to stop the bleeding. Yet, her cries were quickly fading as I dashed away to vandalize the rest of Seireitei.

"What do you think you're doing, Ichigo?" A distorted voice asked almost softly, as if it weren't a gnarled mess.

I halted and glared over my shoulder. Hirako returned my glare with his bankai out and mask donned. "Are you so blinded by rage that you're willing to take innocent lives?"

"'Blinded by rage?' Maybe… but tell me, Hirako, have you felt anyone's reiatsu disappear? Anyone accept for Rukia's, that is."

My former vice-captain tensed and blinked at me stupidly. "I… I don't feel Rukia's… but how would I know about the other random bystanders that may have been in the buildings you demolished?"

Humming, I shifted my weight to one leg in a small stretch as if I weren't boiling over with storming emotions; as if I weren't drowning in scalding hot water. "Hmm. I guess you wouldn't. I'll have you know only her blood is really on my hands in this treason of mine. I caused mayhem before I attacked; I only assaulted people and killed one. I only targeted buildings that were most likely evacuated and empty. Anyone who got caught up in the fray is not my responsibility. I'm not responsible for every damn person's life. I can't be. Especially when I couldn't even protect the one that I loved the most."

The blond man was speechless, not accepting or denying what I had said. Clicking my tongue, I moved so quickly that even he couldn't react before I knocked him into unconsciousness.

'It's time for me to go.' The thought occurred to me as I skillfully avoided the other captains that were raring to maim me. I took off my mask and hid my reiatsu before I took a complicated route to the gates to the world of the living. 'This way, I could evade pursuers, and get to my destination.'

Once I reached the gates, I knocked out the operators and powered it up. It didn't take as long as I had thought; it was a stroke of luck. It must have been ready to send someone off in the living world in the morning.

I could already feel the chief-commander's reiatsu flaring up, hearing the news of my betrayal I bet, but it was not as intense as it could have been. Either way, I had to get the fuck out of there before he decided to come and kill me. I was not gonna' die in a vile place like this.

I glanced over my shoulder one more time to see the destroyed city of Seireitei in a panic before I made my escape. I couldn't help but wonder that maybe the chief-commander understood why I did it, but was still pissed about it. A humorless chuckle fell from my chapped lips as I raced to Karakura town. 'Sounds like something he would do… that crazy old man.'

Within a few seconds, I launched out of the tunnel between Soul Society and the world of the living, just to be met with a wet stinging sensation on my skin. Disregarding the cold for a moment, I spun in mid-air. Watching the gate close, I scanned the area with my reiatsu. I was relieved to find that no one was fast enough to follow me.

'It'll take some time for them to re-open the gate. I have to get to him. I… don't really want his help… but I can't get to where I want to go without him… hopefully he'll help me out…'

"Fuck, why am I so fucking drenched, and it's freezing… oh," I began to hiss as I removed my mask, but as I actually realized that I was in Karakura town; my voice dwindled into a pathetic murmur.

I was on the roof of my high school, and it was pouring.

The early morning sky was a dark shade of gray. The water droplets fell in thin streaks that hit my skin and ricocheted in smaller drops. It was like being lightly poked by small needles. I stood there, in numb agony, searing guilt, and nauseating grief, as I lethargically looked up into the morose sky, ignoring the rain stinging my narrowed eyes. The pure ferocity that had sedated my other emotions wore off instantaneously as my world came crashing down on me.

Every muscle in my body tensed. My windpipe closed up, my lungs refused to accept oxygen, my stomach tied itself to knots, and my heart shattered and tore up my internal organs. It was as if my whole body was screaming in sorrow, irritation, and loss. Warm streaks that ran down my cheeks greatly contrasted with the cold as a heartbreaking question fell from my lips in a tone filled with loss, "When will the rain stop?"

At the sound of my own voice, I snapped myself out of my melancholy torpor. I shoved my emotions as far down as I could and when the tension left me, I sped off. 'I-I have to go... I need to escape. Before they come here. I can't dwell. Keep going. Keep going!'

Within a minute or two, I was walking into the shady candy shop. "Urahara."

"Hmmm?" the man called from his spot on the floor where I had found him when I was with Grimmjow. Regarding him with a blank expression, I waited. He seemed to have understood what I desired when he sighed, stood, and began to walk to the special training room that was identical to the one I had stumbled upon in Soul Society when I was training: when I was ignorant. Mechanically, I followed his lead, ignoring the strained silence that hung over us, yet the other just couldn't stand the tension. He questioned me with his rare serious tone, "You know, don't you?"

"Know what?"

"Please, Kurosaki-kun. We both know what I am speaking of."

"Why don't you enlighten me?"

He stopped in his tracks and spun to face me. "You remember your past and you know about his gigai. Don't you?"

"… Yes." I partially lied. 'Maybe I could hear the truth right out of the horse's mouth…'

With wide eyes and a gaping mouth, he spoke in hushed puzzlement, " That's… good, I guess, but then why are you not trying to kill me? With your developed powers and the proper training you had at Soul Society, you're so powerful that you could probably kill more than half of the captains and still fight toe to toe with Yamamoto."

"Come now, Urahara-san. You're the genius that made the gigai that could imprison whoever went into it! Why don't you fucking tell me?"

His countenance fell in shame and regret as his dropped to the ground and stayed silent. I didn't want to believe that he wasn't arguing or defending himself. It was only a theory… well I guess it wasn't just speculation anymore…

"Urahara," I sighed, "I'm not going to kill you for three reasons."

Reluctantly, he returned his gaze to me as he became curious as to what I had to say.

"First of all, I'm not going around killing everyone. I don't want more blood on my hands and Grimm wouldn't want that either. For two, I need you to open that gate. Finally, I can't stay mad with you."

"Wh-what?" he breathed, the shock was obvious in his features. "Why?"

"You gave him a gigai. Be it rigged or not, you gave us the chance to see each other again. You gave us the chance for us to be together, so for that I can't stay angry. You've also helped me out a lot of times before that."

"Kurosaki-kun…" he murmured as he turned. He began to open the gate, but something that I've been puzzled about since I got my memories back and when I was able to think a bit clearly without being overcome with emotions.

"But may I ask a question before I leave?"

"Hm?"

"Why did you do it?" Instead of sounding accusing, the sound defeated clawed its way out of my throat. He hesitated for but a moment before he finally opened the garganta and turned to me.

"He was an Espada. That was the only reason... Anyways, you're lucky that I thought you'd come here when I heard that you were going berserk, I already had most of this set up, now go. We wasted too much time and I'm sure I just felt a gate from Soul Society open up. Goodbye, Kurosaki Ichigo."

A hollow chuckle rose from my chest as I walked up to the black opening. "Goodbye, Urahara Kisuke. Oh, and one more thing before I go."

"Hm?"

"Destroy this gate. I just want to be left alone. I won't come back, but I know they'll come eventually, so I need to at least hinder their chances of pursuit."

"… Sure, Kurosaki-kun. Farewell."

As soon as he said 'sure' I jumped through the garganta, barely hearing his final goodbye. I landed on my flawless reiatsu path, and ran. Before long, tears were streaming down my face again. I tried to keep it together so then my reiatsu path wouldn't crumble and I wouldn't plummet into the darkness.

When I landed on the soft gray sand of Hueco Mundo, I fell to my knees and broke down. Choked sobs wracked through my body. The intense sense of guilty loss burrowed into my chest and squeezed the air out of my lungs. "I-if I only had as m-much power as I have now! He wouldn't have d-d-died!" I hiccupped; my voice was trembling and cracking. "If I didn't g-get held back that day! I could h-have gotten there sooner! I could have-I could have…! What could I have done…?"

The helplessness drained whatever energy I had in my muscles. My insides were reduced to shreds before the emptiness ate away at tenderized organs. I was being killed from the inside out. My antidote wasn't here to sedate the burning guilt that was stabbed into my gut and poisoned me.

I knew… I fucking knew that he wouldn't want me to agonize over him… but I can't help it. I'd forgotten him. I can't beg for his forgiveness either because he's dead! He's dead… he doesn't even have a fucking grave…

"Oh, Grimmjow… I'm so sorry…! I'm sorry you fell for a such useless man like me…"

I had no idea how long I sat there. I'd cried all of the tears that I could, but I was still drowning the empty agony of it all. I'd lost everything. I have nothing to return to. Yet, I still got up when my legs felt strong enough to carry me. I still fought whatever hollow tried to eat me.

At first, I didn't really know why I still fought, but then I realized that it was Zangetsu that was pushing me forward, giving me his strength to continue.

Eventually – maybe it was a few hours, maybe several days – we reached Los Noches. I stumbled through the front door and quickly discovered that it was vacant. It was still in shambles from the last time I was here. No one had bothered to fix the place, but that was just fine by me. It reminded me of the last time I fought him, when I fell for him. A fresh new wave of anguish and exhaustion washed over me.

"Fuck," I whispered. I trudged ahead until I found a room with a bed that wasn't ruined. Falling onto the bed face first, I was asleep before I even hit the bed.

After resting for who knows how long, my eyes fluttered open and I found myself tangled in sheets. I slowly sat up and remembered everything that had happened that land me in this unfamiliarly dank room. I scanned my surroundings and found the young black-and-white Zangetsu materialized before me.

"Ichigo…" He sounded so sad. Frowning, I slowly stood, despite every muscle in my body protesting.

"Zangetsu, I'm sorry. I bet you must be very upset for me and at me. I'm sorry you had to drag my ass all the way over here. I just-"

"I know, Ichigo." He interrupted was he walked over to me and gave me a hug. "I'm not upset. I know why the rain won't stop. It may be pouring now, but one day it'll turn to a drizzle. I'm okay; besides, I think I'm starting to get used to it. So, don't worry about me. Worry about yourself, Ichigo. You have to live."

"But-" Tightening his grip, he silently stopping me from continuing my weak protest.

"Do you really think Grimmjow wants you to die, Ichigo?"

Shocked into silence, I sucked in a breath and held it.

"Do you think I want you to die? I wouldn't use almost all of my power to drag your sorry butt here, idiot. Don't die, Ichigo. You are probably the only one that has happy memories of him. Let him live on with you. Okay?" he asked almost desperately, burying his face into my shoulder.

His movements pulled me out of my stupor. I opened and closed my mouth like a fish out of water before I took a breath and rested my cheek on his head. "Yeah… Zangetsu. I'll try my best to stop the rain."

It was a promise.

I wasn't sure how much time had pasted since then, but I did know that had been a pretty long time since my hair had grown out to be so long… and it had taken so long for the pain in my broken heart to ebb away, but eventually my grieving turned into sad nostalgia. I didn't even feel as much pain as I did whenever I looked at the picture of Grimmjow that I had stolen from his file. He looked like a maniac with his wide crazed eyes and grin, but I knew who he really was. When I showed it to Zangetsu, he took it and managed to stick it up on the wall in the room I called my own… Damn. I wonder what would have happened if Zangetsu wasn't there for me.

Zangetsu made an effort to make sure I was okay by asking how I was feeling and talking with me. We spent most of our time lounging and finding ways to shoo away the boredom. At one point we re-built Los Noches, and now – since word got out that I was here – Hollows, Arrancar, and Espadas challenge me to fights. It was more like a competition of sorts that occurred every once in a while.

The Hollows would fight among themselves while the Arrancar and Espada did the same. Then the one who came out on top would challenge me. I had an undefeated streak. Though, once in awhile random Espadas that want to prove their strength outside of these tournaments challenged me. Other than these instances, I was mostly left alone. They all knew that I was a force to be reckoned with, so they just avoided confrontations with me.

All of these lovely distractions helped me come to terms with several things. I'd realized that my life isn't really all my own. I have Zangetsu, and Grimmjow's memory, to live for. Zangetsu just wanted to protect me, so I made sure not to go off and die without at least a fight. I knew how it's like to lose someone you want to protect…

I was just about to reminisce about the times with Grimmjow with love instead of guilt, until suddenly, I felt a large wave of reiatsu. 'So they've finally come.'

"Ichigo." I glanced over my shoulder to see Zangetsu's face twisted into a snarl.

"I know. Let's go say 'hi.'" Smiling coldly, I got up from my spot at a large window.

"Ichigo, can't you feel that? They're a lot stronger than you. It's only us versus them! Do you want to-!"

"No," I interrupted him firmly. "I don't want to die. I'm not planning to die, but if I don't go, who's going to protect this home we've built? … Who's going to protect the home Grimmjow had before he came to me?"

He gave me a hard stare before he sighed heavily. I chuckled as I waited for him to fade back into my Zanpakuto, and I was off.

The war between Soul Society and myself was long and hard. Several strong Espada that I had managed to befriend came to help me, but when I saw that we were losing, I commanded them to leave. They were stubborn, but after I activated the move that would make me lose all of my powers, they reluctantly ran to avoid getting caught in the crossfire. I had managed to subdue all of the captains, but when the captain-commander got involved, Zangetsu left me before I was able to give him the finishing blow. I was unlucky to the very end. It was almost funny, wasn't it?

It was an epic battle for the ages. I had almost done it. I almost defeated Soul Society. I wonder if Grimm would be proud of me for defeating all of the 13 captains, or disappointed for losing the war, or maybe he'd sad that I'd lost. Who knows? It didn't matter now. I was just a powerless spirit before the almighty captain-commander of Soul Society. The tip of the fiery Zanpakuto was pointed between my thin orange eyebrows. I could feel the hairs on my face singe as he spoke.

"Do you have any last words, traitor?" the old man growled and hissed.

"Yes, a few," I murmured. He paused to let me speak. I bet there was a distant look in my eyes as I spoke, "I'm sorry Zangetsu. I hope you're at a happier place. I hope I stopped the rain for at least a short while."

"Is that all?"

"Just one more thing."

He seemed to be reluctant, but he was the one that had asked, so he permitted me to speak.

"Finally," I whispered, ignoring the old man's confused countenance as a small, almost relieved smile touched my split bloody lips. "I've made you wait, Grimm. I'm finally going to see you again."

Yamamoto seemed to be sad about what I had said, but I didn't care. I felt a sense of peace unfurl in my chest as the Zanpakuto came hurling towards me.

I thought I heard him say 'sorry' before he impaled me through the head with his sword.

I finally died. I was plunged into darkness. I drifted in the dark for a short while, and just when I was about to give in to the nothingness and completely fade away… I saw a light peer though the shadows. Through the light, a familiar hand, handsome smirk, and lovely blue appeared before me. The perpetual melancholy began to fade as a spark of hope flickered in my chest.

"Grimmjow…?"

THE END?