A/N: I know, its been a while, but it has not been nearly so long as it usually is.
Disclaimer: Star Wars is not mine, blah blah blah.
Dear Diary,
Today I woke up to something extremely strange that made me remember a ton of stuff. I woke up, looked in the mirror(for some reason I took off my mask last night) and there was a PIMPLE on my chin! Oh, it was disgusting! It reminded me of the time I first got a pimple. I was twelve, and Obi-Wan SINGED it off with his lightsaber. I never forgave him for that, but I singed his entire body with MINE, so ha!
Vader
P.S. I put some cream on the pimple.
Dear Diary,
My pimple went away, and I am extremely glad, for it was a big nasty red thing against my white skin. I mean, it was like my teenage years all over again! And those are BAD memories, let me tell you. I mean, I was all fluffy and happy and...GAH! Must go kill something.
VADER
Dear Diary,
Well, earlier today I got my force choking fix by taking care of all of our prisoners. Palpie found out, though, and I got a scolding. What is this week supposed to be, 'Remind Vader of his past' week or something? I swear, it is a conspiracy. Someone is trying to remind me of all those happy times...gosh, I hate that word. When I rule the universe, no one shall EVER use that word. Ever.
Darth Vader
Dear Diary,
Today was Palpatine's birthday. I tried to get him to tell me how old he is, but instead, he just zapped with with force lightning. I dodged it, being as wonderfully good at knowing when those things are going to happen as I am. Anyway, I got him a cake(He wanted a rum cake. Seriously, this man must be an alcoholic.) And I got him one, only I accidentally sneezed on it when I was taking it to him, and I think some uh...stuff got through my respirator and onto the cake, but he ate it anyway. He ate the WHOLE thing too. Something bad happened too. He devoured the cake before I could sing to him, so I sang to him after he ate it all. I was singing Happy Birthday, but I accidentally said 'Pulpie' instead of 'Palpie' but I think he was too drunk to notice, because he didn't say anything. Also, when I was leaving the room, I saw him pull out a flask and I just KNOW there was brandy or rum or something in it.
Vadie
Dear Diary,
Well, I was right. Yesterday Palpie had a major hangover, which, of course, meant that I could do whatever I wanted. I commenced some drills among the troops, force choking anyone who did not obey. Unfortunately, this only happened to be two of them, so I had to go vent my anger on some of my officers. Thankfully, I was smart and I had backup officers to immediately take their places, and Palpatine won't expect a thing.
Darth Vadie-poo
Dear Diary,
Today was an excessively bad day. I woke up with a bad headache, so I went to drink some Corellian ale, but THAT didn't help any. Looking back on it, I see that it was an extremely stupid thing to do, and wish I hadn't done it, but I would NEVER let anyone know that I had made a mistake. I am much too proud for that. Let them think me perfect in every way, with the exception of being evil.
Soon to be the next Emperor
Dear Diary,
If you are wondering why my signature was what it was last time I wrote, then I will tell you why. It is because I think that Palpie is getting extremely ill. Fond as I am of the old man, I would be really ecstatic if he happened to die. I considered going into his room while he was sleeping and just lopping his head off, but then I thought that might look a tad suspicious. So I will just wait and see what happens.
VADER-PIE
Dear Diary,
Curse it! The Emperor has recovered from his bout of illness. Curse him again and again! He deserves to be murdered in the slowest way possible. Not that I would ever do it, no, of course not me. I am much too innocent for that.
Vay-dee
Dear Diary,
Today I found a PICKLE in my helmet. This means that somebody was in my room in the middle of the night, and saw me without my helmet on! I suspect those soldiers in one of those barracks downstairs. They have always hated me, and why they? I have always been very very nice and civil to them, and now a PICKLE in my helmet? I shall never concede to this. Every soldier down there shall have the pinkie finger of their left hand cut off by my lightsaber. I cannot do it today, however, as Palpie has some assignments for me, or something that he deems more important than my revenge. Meanwhile, I must put up with the stench of pickle.
A very ticked-off Vader
Dear Diary,
Today I made my revenge final! It was too tempting, however, and I ended up cutting off both of their pinkies. It is an almost completely useless finger anyway. I cannot believe how evil I am, to take such delight in the misery of others! But I do! And if I did not completely hate the word happy, would pronounce myself to be so. But no, I must choose to be evil instead.
Sadistically yours,
Vader
Dear Diary,
Well, today was simply miserable. I could not find any extra batteries for my computer like device which allows me access to all the cameras so I can see what all the people are up too. I simply LOVE to hear what they say about me, because then I have a perfectly valid excuse to punish them. But no, I could not find any, and, of course, I could not watch these amusing scenes in front of anyone else, lest I start laughing as I often do, because then they might suspect me to be partially good, and then, OH THE HORROR! It would be too terrible for words. So I lacked that amusement today.
However, I soon found another one, for I found the Emperor FLIRTING with some of the kitchen staff! It was perfectly hilarious and diverting. I will certainly try to catch some opportunities to see this in the future. It was, however, slightly disturbing to see my Master batting his eyelashes. I wish I could've had a tape of it, so I could blackmail him if I ever needed to. Oh well. I still know about his pink bunny rabbit that he sleeps with. Those days I had to spend in his room were most advantageous.
A very amused Vader
Dear Diary,
Today the Emperor suggested I get a haircut. I really think he is losing his mind. Perhaps Alzheimers, or something like that? I mean, I don't HAVE hair, and if I did have any left, I would most definately NOT be cutting it.
I almost told him that HE should get a face lift, but I didn't dare, as he has been moody lately, and he is still slightly more powerful than me. Not by much. ONLY BY A PINCH!
THE ONE AND ONLY DARTH VADER
Note to Self: Never ever ever ever ever remind yourself that you are slightly less powerful than Palpie. NEVER.
Dear Diary,
Today the Emperor made me get a portrait done of me. I most fervently disagreed, but then he forced me to, threatening to follow me everywhere and stop me from force choking people if I didn't.
The thing took FOREVER, though, and I wanted to get rid of the artist. He made me stand so STILL, and scarcely let me breath. And it was all in vain anyway, because the moment I saw it I burned it with force lightning.
Darn me, though, because I forgot to take off my gloves, and I completely ruined them. I am wearing my spares at the moment.
Vader, the white-handed menace.
P.S. That just boosted my self esteem up a notch. I love it when I do that for myself.
Dear Diary,
I decided today that nobody appreciates me. I mean, does no one care about all that I do around here? I admit, mostly I just kill people, but I am worth much more than that. Aren't I? I mean, SHE(I am NOT going to write her name) loved me, so I must be worth a whole lot?
Since I am in a bout of self pity I am sitting in my room, sulking and eating chocolates.
Vadie pie
P.S. I will also admit to you, diary, that I sucked my thumb for a while. I needed the comfort, okay?
Dear Diary,
After yesterday, everyone is complimenting me. I am very sick of it now. Today's lunch, however, was very good. It was my favorite: Mustard covered squash. Do not think it gross, for it is actually very good. And EVERYONE was eating it. I suspect they were pretending to like it, but no matter. The cooks never make my favorite dish. I have thought about force-choking them in the past but have never done it. If they don't make it again soon, they will force my hand and then I will have to kill them all. Just like with the Tusken Raiders.
AHHHHH! I JUST REALIZED WHAT I SAID! I CAN'T REMEMBER! NO! NO! NO MORE MEMORIES! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Dear Diary,
I am very sorry for my outburst yesterday. It just so happened that I never finished writing because I rammed my head into the wall and I got knocked out. Now I have this HUGE bruise on my head, and my helmet has a very very large dent in it. I have another one though, so the old one is going in the trash. I can't wear my new one, though, because a place on my bald head(yes, I'm bald, and I know it, so don't rub it in) is so swollen the helmet will not fit over it. So I am stuck in my room today. I have amused myself by placing Duck, Duck, Goose, only I hate all of those animals, so I ceased playing that with myself almost as soon as I started. I then started making a list of everybody that I have force-choked. I can't come up with a number, however, because all of the clones and officers blend in after a while. But I have come up with about 500 in the past three months. That is very good for me, actually, because Palpie forced me to cut back after we started losing a lot of troops. That was when I first became Darth Vader(after the mask and everything) and I was very insecure about my new status, so I had to remind myself of how evil I was.
VERY EVILLY YOURS,
Darth Vader
Dear Diary,
Today I got to remembering things again. Curse those memories! Anyway, I started thinking about the time I almost force choked HER...(I can't bring myself to write her name) and then I felt so bad I almost killed myself, but then I reminded myself that I was very evil and could overcome all of those good feelings that had started welling up inside me, so I went downstairs and forcechoked the people who looked at me. This number was astounding, because everyone looked at me when I entered the room, and so we lost a great deal. I think that the number(which happened to be 53) is the most people I have ever killed in one day. It did, however, assure me of my evilness and made me feel much better.
Vader
A/N: Well, there is the fourth part of this. I don't even know how long I am going to go on with this. Till I run out of ideas, I guess. I know that this wasn't as funny as some of the stuff I've written in previous chapters. Sorry!