It's that time again, here is another update for you all.

I want to thank my wonderful beta Carly Cullen who somehow manages to find the time to go through the chapters for me, and I want to give a shout out to all my FB ladies, I love you more than I love booze, and if you know me, you know how much that means :D

I don't own Twilight...blah blah blah

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

Chapter 4

Broken Record

I quickly dropped the phone as soon as my mind registered Edward's voice.

"BELLA! I KNOW YOU'RE THERE!" He shouted at me down the phone.

In a moment of panic, I ended the call.

I wasn't ready to speak to him yet, there would be time a too talk with him, but that time wasn't now. I was on the verge of being blind drunk and the last thing Edward or I needed was for us to have a conversation when I didn't have a full grasp of my brain functions.

I paced in front of my bed chewing my finger nail, my brain trying to kick the whiskey induced brain fog that was beginning to settle.

I stumbled slightly when my phone started ringing from the bed where I had dropped it, moments before.

It was Rosalie's ring tone, but for some reason I was sure that it would actually be her on the other end of the line this time.

With a shaking hand and a hammering heart, I moved the slider across to accept the call.

"Hello..." I mumbled slightly panicked, getting ready to end the call should it be Edward.

"Bella...don't hang up it's me!" Rosalie said quickly.

"Rose!" I sighed out in relief.

"Bella, I'm so sorry... I heard my phone ringing out the kitchen but Edward knew it was you and got to the phone before I could." Rosalie told me.

"It's fine Rose, honestly. I was a bit surprised to hear his voice is all...How is he?" I asked nervously.

"How do you think? He's a mess." Rosalie told me honestly. "He doesn't understand why you won't talk to him... he and Maria broke up...if that's any consolation..."

I could tell from the tone of Rosalie's voice that she was expecting me to squeal in delight at this news, but I was far from thrilled.

"And how do you want me to react to that Rose? I've hurt your brother and now his girlfriend has dumped him, how am I meant to be jumping for joy at that news?" I asked her honestly, slightly miffed.

Don't get me wrong, if I hadn't ruined things by telling Edward that I loved him, I would be the first one to throw a party that the witch was gone. But if I hadn't confessed my love to Edward, then I would be dreaming about me and him finally getting together.

The difference now was, I knew that it wouldn't happen, not even in my wildest dreams.

Our friendship as it stood, was over. There was no going back. He was there, I was here, and it would never work anyway.

My life for the next few years was in Forks, Edward had a good job, life and family in Florida.

I shook myself free from my day dreams, there was no Edward and I. Why even think of the possibilities? I ruined them.

"I don't know Bella, you're his friend. He needs his friends right now, and you're missing. He needs you, now more than ever." Rosalie told me.

"What? So he can cry on my shoulder about how upset he is that his girlfriend broke up with him? How messed up is that Rose?" I shouted at her.

There was no way in hell I could be that for him, my heart was aching enough.

"If you think I can be that for him after everything that has happened Rose, then you are sadly mistaken. I know you're sad for your brother, but what about me? You haven't once asked how I am, how I'm coping." I said, getting angrier by the second.

"How are you Bella? Mmm, tell me!" She said sarkily down the phone.

"Do you know what Rose?" I asked her, feeling my blood begin to boil. "I have spent the last few hours being comforted about my broken heart by my Grandmother who is dying, dying...I have cried on her shoulder about how much I love your brother and how I ruined things. I love him Rose, I LOVE HIM! I ache, deep down ache for him. There is nothing more that I want than to call him and tell that things can go back to the way they were...but they can't!"

"I'm not saying for things to go back the way they were, but you're his best friend Bella, or at least you were."She said.

"I can't be that for him anymore Rose, I need more from him than he is able to give and it's not fair me trying to put that pressure upon him. It's just better for all concerned if we just end our friendship." I told her, my voice going quiet at the end.

"So that's it? No fighting for him, nothing?" She asked me sadly.

"What am I supposed to fight? He doesn't see me that way, I can't make him love me Rose. I can't make his heart feel something it won't. "

It was then I realised that I was quoting the lyrics to the song that I had listened to more times that I care to remember and chuckled sadly to myself.

"He does love you Bella, you haven't seen the mess he's in. He needs you so much right now." Rose told me, I could hear the pain in her voice and could only begin to imagine the state that Edward was in.

"Do you realise that I have had to lock myself away in my bathroom to make this call to stop him from trying to call you? We had to hide his phone after the amount of times he kept checking it to see if you had text or called him. He says he feels like he's struggling to breathe without you here."

I could then hear banging coming through the speakers of the phone and muffled shouting.

"He's trying to get in here, he wants to talk to you. Will you please talk to him?" Rose practically begged me.

I sat down on the edge of my bed and let out a big sigh.

Did I want to talk to him? Could I actually say the words that needed to be said?

"Sure thing Rose." I told her quietly.

"Thank you Bella, thank you!" She told me, and I could hear her smile in her voice from my reply.

The phone went quiet for less than a minute and then I heard his voice.

"Bella? You there?" He asked, his voice was thick and full of apprehension.

"I'm here." I answered softly.

"Bella..."He said with a large exhale of breath, sounding relieved.

"That's me." I replied sardonically.

"I, um...I miss you." He told me, I could hear the emotion in his voice and felt my own throat begin to thicken.

"I miss you too." I whispered out, the tears beginning to fall from my eyes.

"Did you get there ok? How's Nan doing?" Edward asked, I could hear him clearing his throat, trying to compose himself.

"The trip was long and Nan is fine." I told him. "Rose told me about Maria...I'm so sorry."

"No you're not, I'm not upset either." Edward chuckled darkly at me.

"No, I suppose I'm not." I told him honestly.

I rubbed the heel of my hand into my eyes, trying to think of what it is I should say to him to make things right. Should I tell him that I didn't mean what I said so he could get on with his life? Would he even believe me at this point?

"Can I come and see you?" Edward asked me, shocking me from the questions I had going around my head.

"What?" I asked him, stunned by his question.

"Can I come and see you? I really need to see you." He told me, his voice thick with emotion and beginning to break at the end.

"Since you've been gone, you're all I've thought about. You told me how you felt, but didn't give me the chance to get my feelings in order. For so long you've been a major part of my life and the way you just walked out and left me...it hurt me Bella, more than anyone has ever hurt me before."

I choked back a sob at hearing how I had hurt him.

"You can't just lay that shit on me and expect me to answer straight away without looking at my own feelings Bella..." He continued to tell me. "You never showed any inclination that you felt more for me, or if you did, I didn't see it, but I always saw you Bella, I just didn't see all of you...you have to believe me." He pleaded at the end.

"Why do you think I was always the single one in our group Edward? Did you honestly think that I liked being lonely or the fifth wheel all the time?" I asked him, the tears falling freely now. "I...love you..." I croaked out.

I heard Edward gasp over the phone at my declaration.

"But it doesn't change anything...I'm sorry." I sobbed out, my heart shattering. "I would love to say that we can still be friends, but at this point, I think it's best for both of us if we cease contact...just for awhile."

"You can't mean that Bella!" Edward implored down the phone.

"You know I'm right Edward, this is just too messy for us to be friends." I told him, trying to speak through the sobs. "I never wanted to hurt you Edward, you've been in my life for a long time and I hate that I'm hurting you too. Maybe given time, we can be friends again, but right now we'd both do better with some distance between us." I cried quietly.

"Bella, you're in Forks and I'm in Florida...how much more fucking distance do you need?" Edward roared at me, I could tell that he was getting pissed off now.

"Emotional distance, Edward..." I trailed off, hoping he would get what I was trying to tell him.

"It's all bullshit Bella!" He spat at me. I could hear the anger beginning to build in his voice. "If you think I'm going to let this drop...then you're sadly mistaken."

The next thing I heard was the dial tone.

He had hung up on me.

I tried ringing Rosalie's phone back to try and find out what Edward meant exactly by his statement, but her phone was switched off.

Edward obviously didn't want to hear my voice.

I knew that he wouldn't be turning up here anytime soon, he was currently half way through the current semester and there was no way in hell he would be able to get time off.

I then chortled darkly to myself.

As if he would come here to see me. As if he would waste his time.

He would only bother coming here if he felt the same. If he felt that we could have something special.

Part of me hoped that he would give us both the 'emotional' space that we needed, but another part of me hoped that he would turn up on Nan's doorstep making some grand gesture of showing his affections for me.

But that wasn't going to happen.

I stared at the phone that I was still holding in my hands, and thought about what we had just talked about.

Nothing had been resolved.

Nothing had been mentioned about his feelings for me.

I had told him that I loved him, but I didn't get any declaration in return.

That right there should have told me all I needed to know.

XOXOXOXOXOXOX

Oh Edward, you poor bugger. I can't help but feel for him here...but that's just me.

I have the next chapter ready to go and that will be up on Thursday, I'm going for double weekly updates and I hope that's enough for you all.

Thanks for taking the time to read.

See you all Thursday, Love xx