It takes time but things start to become easier. Danny returns to work which helps, keeps him focused on other things other than his grief and the state of the household. We still tread carefully around him, but it's more to ease his stress levels than because we're avoiding his temper. One thing doesn't change, we haven't had sex since he returned and he's made no attempt to make love. It's strange because in every other way he's affectionate with me but within the bedroom he distances himself. I've made a few feeble attempts to interest him but he brushes off any weak advances and I'd never dare push for more.
I try not to take it personally but he doesn't even like me lying close in bed. It's as if an invisible barrier has come down between us and I'm not sure how to break through it. It isn't like I can talk to anyone about it, though even if I dared speak to one of my fellow slaves, there's nothing any of us could do about it. None of them would be able to relate to the problem. Danny seems unconcerned about this sudden change and continues like everything is normal. Maybe I expect too much.
"I'm going to ask Dad to come and stay with us for a few weeks," Danny announces as he dresses for the day ahead.
I pick out a tie as he pulls on his shirt and starts buttoning up.
"How is he?" I ask, turning and sliding the tie round his neck before starting to knot it for him. It's usually the closest we get in the bedroom these days.
"I think he needs to get away from the house for a little while," Danny says quietly.
I tighten the knot up and straighten out his collar before taking his jacket off the hanger. "It would be nice for him to see Grace. And you."
"And he needs the company," Danny tells me as he dons the jacket. "With Laka gone there's just him and a house slave at home."
"Ask him and we'll make a nice space for him to come and stay in," I say, giving his shoulders a squeeze. "I think it will do you good as well to have him here."
"Yeah maybe," Danny says with a nod, shooting me a knowing look. "I know I'm still not myself, it would be nice to have someone to talk to."
I know what he means, there's only so much he can discuss with slaves and he's been coping with his grief with no family nearby and only a few close friends who understood the personal situation of his relationship with Laka. People are small minded when it comes to relationships between free man and slave. They don't understand about myself and Danny and they certainly wouldn't understand about John and Laka, an older generation and the same old problem.
John arrives the next week, with his house slave, Nerris. She's a small, thin as a twig and looks as if I could snap her in two without breaking a sweat, but it becomes evident she pulls her weight, is hard working and dotes on her Master. We make sure to welcome her into the fold but for the most part of her stay she'll attend John as she would at home. We clear a few rooms for John to use, a bedroom and an adjoining room that he can use as a private sitting room should he want peace and quiet from the rest of the house. Nerris is given a room by Kono.
John looks frail and gaunt, like Danny when he first came home. Danny doesn't take any more time off work but works a few days from home so he can spend some time with his dad. John at first keeps himself to himself but Grace, the little darling, works her magic. It seems nobody is beyond our daughters charms and where at first John stayed in his rooms or prefferred quiet solitude, within days he's seeking out wherever Grace is.
It's the summer so Kono has been spending most days out on the beach with her. The best time is late afternoon when the sun is starting to set and the heat not as intense. John takes to sitting out on the lanai observing, sometimes joining in with the fun. On one such afternoon, after I finish my chores I mix up some cool drinks and take a tray outside.
"Would you like a drink Sir?" I ask John, stirring fresh lemons around the glass jug.
John looks over to me, smiling and I feel a jolt at the familiarity of it. Danny's is exactly the same, genuine happiness. "Yes, thank you Steven."
I pour out a glass and set it down, pouring myself and Kono one also. I take Kono's to her and hold out a cool bottle of juice to her for Grace also.
"Thanks," Kono grins, picking up Grace and handing her the bottle. "What's Papi brought you? Yeah that's nice."
I give Grace's cheek a pinch before returning to sit with John. He gives me a strange look as I sit and take a drink from my glass.
"She calls you 'Papi'," he observes, eyes suddenly unfocused like he's not really in the conversation.
"Yeah, Danny's idea," I explain.
"It's what he called Laka," John says quietly.
I nod my head, "I know. Danny wanted Grace to call me something other than 'Steve'. He wants her to know I'm not just another slave in her life."
"You aren't," John says in agreement. "She should never think otherwise."
"Thank you Sir," I say with a smile. "Not many people would agree with you."
John looks at me with knowing eyes and sighs, looking over at his grand daughter as she laughs at Kono's antics. "It isn't easy is it Steven? I often wonder if I made Laka's life harder than it already was because of how I felt about him."
"In my experience Sir, I'd say Laka would have known how lucky he was to have you in his life. I know I am with Danny. No, it isn't easy, sometimes it's very very hard. But it isn't easy for Danny either and we both know how we feel. In the end, that is what matters for us."
"What if he decided to marry?" John said, looking away and out over the beach to the shoreline. "How do you think you'd cope with that?"
I know he's thinking of his own choices, his love for Nick as well as Laka. I can't imagine it to have been an easy life, but it was evident it didn't change how he and Laka felt about one another.
"Honestly Sir," I reply after a pause. "I don't know."
"It isn't easy," John shook his head. "I made a choice. I'm not saying I regret it, Nick was - he was something I never expected. But I always felt a small amount of guilt for how it affected my relationship with Laka."
"He understood," I assure him. Laka seemed content with his life, despite the hardships. I can't imagine having to be on the sidelines if Danny fell in love with someone, a free person whom he could have an open relationship with. But equally I couldn't imagine not being in his life in some way.
"Yes, he told me as much," John nodded his head. "Doesn't take away the guilt. Nick was equally as understanding."
"He knew about you and Laka?" I ask, curious. I should curb my interest but it also feels right to let John get things off his mind. I can at least say I can understand to an extent the situation more so than others.
"Oh yes he knew," John nodded, looking back over to me. There's an emptiness in his eyes and I wonder what it's like to have outlived not one, but two loves of your life. "We made promises to each other, some concerning Laka. Sometimes I think I took an easy way out with Nick, but that isn't fair to him, to us. For a long time I considered selling Laka on, I didn't see it as fair to make him stand and watch me build a life with someone else."
"You couldn't have built the same life with him," I reply with a shake of my head. I know that first hand. It's a freedom beyond reach to think Danny and I would ever be accepted in society as an equal pair. I'll always be a slave and he will always be a free man.
"No, I know," John agrees with a small sigh. "But I could have made it easier on him."
"I only knew him for a short time Sir but I don't think he'd have thanked you for releasing him," I tell him.
He gives a small laugh of agreement, smiling. "He wouldn't have. I think it would have been my cowardly way of escaping the guilt. But equally the idea of selling him, letting him go was something I couldn't do. I didn't make it easy for him or Nick."
He turns and scrutinises me for a long pause, I can't hold his stare and shift uncomfortably wondering why he's suddenly so focused on my person. I turn my attention to Grace and Kono, aware he's still watching me.
"I shouldn't have said what I did, about Daniel getting married. He's stronger than his old man and he has had the good fortune of seeing that a slave isn't just a slave but someone you can have a relationship with, be it a kind of friendship or something more. It was always important to me he understand slaves are part of his family unit."
"Not everyone agrees with you," I say knowingly.
"No they don't. Not much has changed over the years," John sighs, looking over at Grace with a soft smile. "Perhaps it will be different for the next generation."
"Perhaps," I shrug but I don't have that much faith in society. There have been rare public speakers in history who have tried to be a voice of the slave population, but they've always been a minority quickly hushed by the free society. This is simply the way of the world and I doubt it will ever change, at least not in my life time, nor I suspect in Grace's.
To be honest I've no idea how it would work if slaves were suddenly granted the freedom of a free man. Our society would be thrown into chaos. I've no idea what I'd be doing with my life, what could I do? I was born to serve, I know no other existence. It would be easier for the young generation. The freedom to go to school instead of a training camp, the ability to make a choice, the chance to earn credit and make their own way in the world. That's an alien concept to a slave like me. It's a frightening idea.
And how would the free populace cope with no slaves? Households are built upon the foundations of the relationship between Master and slave, our lives are intertwined like threads and everything functions because of that relationship. It may not be equal, but it is important.
Nerris interrupts us as she comes to check on her Master and I excuse myself to return to my chores, my head full of questions and thoughts.