Sam walked away. Their father said good riddance. Dean hurt deeper than he had ever hurt. Sam had left them. Stanford, big deal. Well it was a big deal, but his brother had left Dad and worse his brother had left him.
They had both been assholes. They said things that couldn't be taken back and now it was done.
He couldn't take care of himself. He would have a target on his back for every dark thing in the night.
When it got dark he slipped out. He got into the Impala and headed out after Sam. He would have his back. Dad would never forgive him, but this was right. Sam had to come first.
He picked him up hitch hiking on the interstate. For a long time neither said a word. Both were still angry, and both were relieved.
They drove to Stanford only stopping for gas. They traded off driving and sleeping, but the ride was silent. Dean had so much to say, but he just couldn't. He felt the loss of his brother before he even drove into the campus gates. Sam arrived with almost nothing. He had a backpack with his clothes, a demiscythe and a 9mm semiautomatic with two spare loaded clips tucked into a spare pare of boots.
Dean reached into his pocket and pulled out a wad of cash. Two weeks of cheating at pool had netted him over a grand. He handed it to Sam who made a brief show of refusing it before thanking his brother and getting out of the car to walk away. He didn't look back. Dean watched him walk away until he was out of sight. He swallowed the lump in his throat before finding the first motel in the yellow pages and signing in as James Rockford. Just in case Sam changed his mind he could find him.
He was just going to wait for a few days. He called his Dad to explain but he didn't answer. He waited for his brother to call but he didn't. After a week he snuck onto campus just to assure himself Sam was ok. He saw his brother carrying a heavy duffel walking with an assortment of teenagers. He fit in. He wasn't a hunter, he was just a kid. A normal college kid.
It was what Sam always wanted. Dean packed his stuff up to leave but just couldn't do it. He tried his Dad again, no answer.
Dean stepped out of his comfort zone and took a job as a mechanic. Just to stay close, in case of emergency. It was just going to be for a few weeks. Weeks turned to a month then six. He met a girl named Andrea. She was everything Dean wanted. Pretty, smart, outgoing, too good to be true. Still he could not reach his Dad. He called every day, some times twice.
He realized a month later that he was content, maybe even happy. He thought he may be falling in love. He was making friends. He hadn't killed anything since August. He was just a guy with a job and a girl and a life. He realized he wanted it. He was going to stay.
One March morning the number turned up disconnected.
Dean went to speak to Sam on campus. It was the first time they had spoken in person. Sam refused to leave campus and Dean was reluctant to leave Andrea, but he had to find his Dad.
As Dean was packing up his stuff a knock sounded at his door. He opened it and in stepped Pastor Jim and his father's friend Caleb.
"We have been looking for you for months Dean. You are a hard man to find." The minister said closing the door behind him.
"What, whats wrong?" He said, already knowing the answer.
"I'm sorry Dean, I hate to have to tell you this..." Caleb started in.
"THEN DON'T!" Dean shouted pacing away, looking for a place to hide from the news he knew was coming.
"Dean, you have to listen. Its your father, he's gone. It happened months ago. We have been trying to find you. I'm so so sorry," Pastor Jim said putting a hand on Dean's shoulder.
"How, how did it happen? What got to him?" Dean said through clenched teeth.
"Best we can tell, a demon came up on him unawares...There was a couple whiskey bottles empty around, didn't seem as he put up much of a fight. He had gotten deep into the drink over the last year. Nobody could tell him nothin. You know how your Dad was, stubborn. Didn't want no advice didn't want no help." Caleb said kindly. "We gave him a hunters funeral." Caleb said, handing Dean his Dad's journal.
"I should have been there." Dean said quietly.
Dean called his brother and asked him to come to the motel. When he reluctantly arrived and saw Caleb and the pastor he felt the panic overtake him.
"What." Sam said. "Whats wrong."
"Its Dad Sammy, hes gone." Dean said, filling in the missing details.
"How could you let this happen? I left you there to take care of him! Where were you? How could this happen?" Sam ranted.
"I was here Sammy, I never left, I was watching out for you." Dean said, confused.
"I wasn't the one who needed you Dean, couldn't you see that? This is YOUR fault." Say yelled.
Hours later Dean sat alone in the motel room. It was dark and silent. He had sent Andrea away, ended it. He didn't have a right to it anyway. He put down his bottle of Jack after tipping the last shot down his throat. He held his 9mm on his lap. It was a gift from his Dad. His Dad. He was gone, gone forever. Sam would never forgive him. He would never forgive himself.
He was overwhelmed with grief and regret. He put the keys to the Impala in an envelope with Sam's name on it and left it on the dresser. Resting the gun on the sink he took off his clothes and got into the shower, It was as hot as he could stand it. The tears fell as he reached out to grab the gun, which he smoothly put below his chin and pulled the trigger.
The gun made no sound, a white light encircled him and pulled him back into the white room.
Dean sat in the chair unable to catch his breath.
"That didn't happen. It didn't happen that way." Dean said.
In the back of his mind Dean realized that he had wondered for years what would have happened if he had left the life with Sammy. He had regretted his decision for years. Now he knew how it would have unfolded. He felt sick at the thought.
He looked up at the apparition of his mother and realized the game that it was playing. He took a deep breath and asked, resolved. "So whats next?"