Disclaimer:All of the characters are the property of Dick Wolf. I thank him, the writers, the directors and all the great actors who brought them "to life" for our benefit. Any "liberties" I have taken with them stems from my fond admiration (and a few personal quirks I will seek "help" for).

AN: This story is not set within the accepted "canon" for the characters as it is only officially portrayed by the TV series. So I get to "fool around" with them in ways in which they've never been seen, stretching that to the limit and suspending the "reality" that is "fiction" to start with…now there's a contradiction in terms!!!

(And yeah Goren I know the proper word for that is oxymoron…go back to finishing your crossword)

This could happen…couldn't it????

THE COMPETITION

Judge 1: So it looks like we have a tie for first place between three contestants in this category.

There was a groan went round the table after three hours of fierce competition in which the standards had been very high again this year.

Judge 3: Okay let's go back to the judging criteria set out in the rules and see if any of us can adjust our points scores

After a couple of minutes of checking their cards and leafing through a thick manual they were ready.

Judge 3: I've deducted a point off the guy from Vegas

Judge 2: Why?

Judge 3: Because I think he starts with an unfair advantage. The nature of his job means he has to do it a lot. Pure necessity not as a specific or tactical technique.

Judge 1: Well I had him marked down on grounds of poor eye contact to begin with. Compared to the other two.

Judge 2: You could say the same about the one from Florida

Judge 1: Maybe but it's harder to tell in his case. And I think he might breach the spirit of rule 22b if not the letter.

Judge 3: Let's not get into that right now. Seems we've now got the Nevada contestant in third place. Agreed?

The other two nodded their heads and murmured agreement that overall that was right.

Judge 2: So lets' get back to this eye contact thing can we?

Judge 1: It's simple. How can you judge eye contact when the contestant is wearing shades?

Judge 2: The rules don't strictly forbid it. It's not like using a chair or a table for extra support

Judge 3: No it's not but I take the point about how they mask the eye-line during competition. Whether they constitute a forbidden accessory or aid in 22b is another matter.

Judge 2: You could say the same about the guy from New York. The hands in his pockets business?

Judge 1: Let's not go round that one again please folks. There is nothing in the criteria forbids it.

Judge 2: No. But how do we know what he's doing with his hands in there? That he's not…taking advantage of…his natural accessories…psychological comfort seeking

Judge 3: Let's not get crude about things colleagues. Anyway Judge 2 if you want to bring up the issue of hands look at Miami.

Judge 1: The persistent gun stroking you mean? Now if ever there was subconscious psychological comfort seeking that's it. Makes whatever New York might be doing with his hands in his pockets look totally innocent. Which it could be.

Judge 2: I will concede that argument and in any case I took a point off Miami for being unable to make a declarative statement without touching his gun.

Judge 3: And I added a point to New York for his far greater ability to combine the interrogative with the declarative and exposition.

Judge 1: Looks like we have a winner folks. New York, Miami and then Vegas. All agreed?

There were nods of approval as they gathered their scorecards and went to declare the result.

Bobby Goren sat back on his couch to admire the trophy he had put on top of the TV. The one for "Best Investigative Officer: Solving Crime By Speaking With The Head Angled At More Than Thirty Degrees". Kind of tough on Gil Grissom and Horatio Caine to end as the "bridesmaids" once again…but hey…that's life…