AN: Thanks to anyone that followed/favourited or read this story. It really means a lot to me and thanks for you patience joining me on this long journey. Guys this will be a little AU as I'm going to show Malfoy as a more tortured conflicted person than the way JK depicted him which was pretty much as a bully until Half Blood Prince. So yeah sorry if he's too OOC for some people.
This chapter I'm listening to Portishead – Roads.
Chapter 4 – How can it feel this wrong?
Hermione was finding it difficult to keep her eyes away from the white blonde head that was shrouded behind today's copy of the Daily Prophet over at the Slytherin table. Hermione chewed on her toast deep in contemplation as Harry and Ron's voices faded to the background. It was strange for Hermione to be leading a double life. Hermione had always been an honest person, sometimes even brutally so. She always had to do the right thing guided by her own moral compass. Was keeping the time turner and her meetings with Malfoy a secret from her two best friends really the best idea? But then Dumbledore had told her to tell no one. And Dumbledore knew best didn't he? As she thought of how Ron and Harry would react to her even breathing the same air as Malfoy she realised that in this instance perhaps secrets were safer, even if it did make her feel terrible.
Hermione was already struggling to come up with new excuses for leaving dinner early and not returning until later in the evening and it was only week one. What if Harry and Ron went to get her in the library and she wouldn't be there? What if they needed her? She would be stuck with Malfoy in the Room of Requirement and no one would know. Hermione felt awful for lying to them like this especially after Harry's fainting spell on the train over after the dementor incident. He needed her right now. She should be spending more time with him not Malfoy. Harry had already taken the brunt of a good teasing from Slytherin, mostly from Malfoy. She felt awful about meeting him behind Harry's back. She was feeling increasingly guilty with each passing day about spending time with the person responsible for most of the taunting. She didn't know how she'd manage to keep this up for a whole year. Ron was already asking too many questions about her impossible timetable on top of everything else.
Lying made her intestines feel like a ball of writhing snakes. Speaking of snakes; she scowled slightly as Malfoy casually flicked through the paper while drinking his pumpkin juice. He really was a snake. Sly, cunning and completely aloof. His complexity was annoying her. Things she couldn't understand irritated her. She wasn't used to feeling this way. There wasn't a thing they'd learned in school so far she couldn't grasp. But the more time she spent with Malfoy the less she seemed to understand. He wasn't like an ancient rune she could just translate. He was more complex than that. Hermione found herself wanting to be challenged by him despite her inner turmoil and loyalty to Harry.
Malfoy was so relaxed, so calm about all of this. Must come easy to him all the lies and sneaking around. Typical Slytherin. It just came naturally to them she supposed. Well not for her. She'd never done anything like this before and in her heart she knew it was wrong. It was Malfoy. And her. They weren't supposed to be getting along like they were. They were supposed to hate each other like how they did during class. But the Malfoy who was with her every night wasn't the same Malfoy that taunted Harry in class. Malfoy was difficult to read she'd met so many different versions of him already that she couldn't keep up. She trusted Dumbledore completely but not over this. Malfoy simply was someone she could never trust. How could she possibly? He was honestly the most confounding person she'd ever met.
Her thoughts faltered slightly. Maybe she was being too harsh on him. She'd witnessed herself that Malfoy was capable of telling her very true and very personal things. He was capable of being vulnerable, sensitive and even kind in his own way. Maybe he was just better at hiding these kind of conflicting emotions that was all. And she knew he wasn't to blame for his more undesirable qualities with an upbringing like he'd had what hope did he have. It was all just part of a defence mechanism. There must be a lot of pressure on him being a pure blood from a dark wizarding family. A pressure she would never or could never understand and she was grateful for that. She internally kicked herself for actually thinking something nice about Malfoy. What the hell was happening here?
Malfoy's cold grey eyes flicked over the newsprint and locked with Hermione's wide brown eyes. He was looking right at her in front of everyone. And she was staring right back. Her heart gave an odd thump which she'd never felt before. Her cheeks flushed and her mouth felt suddenly dry but she didn't look away. Was he crazy?! They couldn't look at each other like this in front of everyone then people would start asking questions. First Ron and Harry, then Malfoy's 'friends' and then his…family. She shuddered at the thought. She took a sip of her pumpkin juice but didn't break eye contact.
"Mione?"
Hermione let Malfoy drift out of focus as she focused on Ron's concerned expression. She cursed herself for letting him win the staring contest.
"Sorry?" She asked.
Ron shook his head at her.
"Hermione are you all right? You've been more spaced out than Trelawney lately." He said with a cheeky grin and a shake of his red head.
Hermione smiled weakly.
"Yeah just a bit overwhelmed with everything. Have you two managed to open your Care of Magical Creatures book open yet?" She asked trying to steer the conversation away from the fact that she desperately wanted to let her eyes drift back to the Slytherin table where she could hear him laughing with Goyle.
Ron and Harry shook their heads and there was no chance for further discussion as the bell rang at that moment. Hermione, Harry and Ron jogged down the sloping green eager to see Hagrid teach his first lesson. Hermione crossed her fingers discreetly hoping Hagrid would do well. She smiled as she noticed Harry doing the same. Her smile faltered as she locked eyes with him again. Her heart did that strange double thump thing again. Maybe she should go to Madame Pomfrey about it? Why did they have to share this class of all classes with Slytherin? She felt herself tense as she watched Malfoy smirk cruelly at Hagrid's little hut with that pompous sneer of his. This Malfoy was her least favourite of all. Cold, cruel, vindictive and intent on causing chaos for no apparent reason. Why couldn't he be like how he was with her? Hermione sighed. Because the way he was with her was a lie. Yet another lie. Her insides writhed. She hated this.
The Slytherins and Gryffindors all crowded around the paddock but kept their distance as they saw the creatures that stood before them coming into clear view. Talons, hooves and feathers all in one beautiful, but deadly package, Hippogriffs. Hermione gulped. Hagrid wasn't playing it safe. She chanced a glance at Harry and Ron and they had similar pale expressions. Malfoy's sneer seemed to deepen further.
Malfoy and his little gang approached the Gryffindor's as they pulled their cloak hoods up and wiggled their fingers in a pitiful impersonation of dementors. They were making ridiculous ghoulish noises. She felt Harry tense beside her and she gripped his forearm firmly before he could fly at them. The last thing they needed was for Hagrid to break up a fight on his first lesson.
"Don't. Just ignore them Harry. Think of Hagrid." She whispered.
Malfoy drew his hood back. His blonde hair was slightly messy from the hood and his eyes narrowed on Hermione and her hand on Harry's wrist.
"I'd listen to your girlfriend if I were you." He said with a cool sneer.
She felt Harry tense again but before he could do or say anything Hermione had already swept over to him. She faced Malfoy her eyes blazing with anger. She was sick and tired of this arrogant version of Malfoy. He was over a head taller than her now but she tried to draw herself up to his level.
"Piss off Malfoy. Can't you come up with anything better than this Dementor stuff? It's getting boring."
Hermione flushed slightly. Had she really said that out loud? She had no idea what had possessed her to voice her feelings so bluntly like that. But judging from the widening of Malfoy's eyes. The hate filled glare Pansy Parkinson was giving her and the snickering behind her she knew was Ron she knew she had said it out loud.
Malfoy opened his mouth as if to retort but he thought better of it. He was livid and pale even to the lips. The Slytherins were all looking at him expectantly.
"Watch it Granger. If the Dementors decide to attack you'll need to protect your precious Potter here because he'll be too busy lying on the floor pissing his trousers."
The Slytherins laughed and the Gryffindors made a variety of angry exclamations.
Hermione's eyes widened at his cruel words. She should have just left it at that and walked away but she couldn't help it. She couldn't help this sudden feeling of empowerment that was rolling over her. Maybe it was because she felt guilty about spending less time with Harry and more with the boy who was currently staring her down that filled her with the need to defend her friend like this. But she just knew she didn't want to stay quiet anymore.
"It must be nice to be the only person immune to a Dementor's kiss Malfoy, seeing as you don't possess a soul worth taking."
Malfoy tensed and she heard both the Slytherins and the Gryffindor's gasp. What the hell was she doing?! She regretted the words the instant they'd left her mouth. She'd let her mouth run away and this time she knew she'd really hurt him. It always seemed to happen with him. She felt her stomach roll queasily as she saw the momentary flicker of emotions in his sad grey eyes. Their faces were close together and both of them were flushed with anger. Hermione swallowed. What now?
Hagrid thankfully came out of his hut at that moment and started the lesson. She sighed with relief as they turned away from one another and back to their respective sides. Opposite sides. They would always be on opposite sides and that was the way of it. She was being ridiculous to even have thought they could work together. Harry and Ron were both giving her varied expressions of shock and awe, which were mirrored by all of her housemates. She felt sick. She kept trying to catch his eye but he wasn't looking at her. Pansy Parkinson was though and if looks could kill Hermione would no longer be breathing.
The sun dappled through the trees highlighting the beautiful buff, grey, blue tones of the Hippogriff's feathers. Once the class had been instructed on how to open their books (She felt a bit annoyed she hadn't thought of stroking the spine) Hagrid asked Harry to come to the front of the class and help with a demonstration. Her heart was racing after the stress of her little confrontation with Malfoy she couldn't take much more. Malfoy was purposefully avoiding her eyes and she noticed that he looked pale and angry but above all something resembling hurt. Her stomach rolled again. Hippogriffs were very proud creatures but Harry handled the situation in his usual tactful way and he and Buckbeak became fast friends.
She sighed with relief the lesson was going well. Well for Hagrid anyway, she just wanted the ground to swallow her up. Hermione was spared of any further thoughts of regret towards Malfoy because at that very moment Malfoy was charging towards Buckbeak. What. An. Idiot. Her memory flashed back to their first flying lesson when he'd stolen Neville's remembrall. Why did he always do idiotic things like this? Was it to impress Slytherin? His father? Well she wouldn't let him ruin this. Not for Hagrid. The class had begun to mutter and Hagrid who was speaking to Harry was oblivious to what was about to happen. She ran after Malfoy ignoring the grasp of Ron's fingers on her arm and his shouts of protest.
"You're not dangerous at all are you? You great ugly brute!" Shouted Malfoy.
Hermione gasped. He hadn't bowed and had seriously offended the very proud Hippogriff. What the hell was he doing?! How could someone so smart be so stupid?! Was he really doing this just to make Hagrid look bad? She knew he and the Slytherins had no love for him but this was really low.
"You idiot! Now you've done it!" Shouted Hermione as she desperately grasped for the back of Malfoy's robes pulling him backwards.
A small part of her that she wouldn't fully acknowledge was also scared in case he got hurt.
Buckbeak reared up on his hind legs and Hermione's heart raced. She was going to be killed because of Malfoy's idiocy. Just great.
"What the hell are you doing Granger?! Get out of the way!" He shouted urgently shoving her off of him.
"What am I doing? You're the one that-umph"
Hermione didn't get to finish her sentence because she'd been knocked to the grassy ground by Malfoy. She watched paralysed in horror as Malfoy stood in front of her his arms raised in front of his face defensively. Time seemed to slow as Buckbeak's hooves came crashing down on his exposed arm. His wings were beating threateningly and Hermione had to close her eyes as warm air and grit flew into her face. She heard Malfoy groan and wince in pain.
Meanwhile Hagrid had been trying to calm Buckbeak and regain control of the lesson, which he was doing very honourably despite current circumstances she thought. She heard Pansy Parkinson scream. Hermione lay completely bewildered on the ground. Well this day was just going from bad to worse. Malfoy turned to look at her with the oddest expression on his face. She hauled herself to her feet ignoring the light ache at her hip from where she'd landed badly. He'd knocked her to the ground to stop her getting hurt. Why would he do that? If anything she'd thought he'd use her as an expendable mudblood shield. She looked at him a confused frown on her brow and her eyes searching for answers he couldn't or wouldn't give her. She glanced at the arm he was clutching in his other hand. His shirt was ripped and quickly becoming saturated in his blood. She gulped. She watched his blood drop from the cuff onto the grass. Deep scarlet, pure blood. He'd spilled his blood…to spare her own. Why would he do that?
She instinctively reached out and grasped his wrist gently she put her hands over the deep gash attempting to stem the flow. His pale unblemished skin looked like marble beneath her lightly freckled hands. She felt his warm blood coat her palms and his eyes were on her fingers. They stood in awkward silence. Malfoy winced in pain but wouldn't look at her. She felt a guilty lump form in her throat. Would someone with no soul have just done what he did? No. She swallowed her tears down into her churning stomach. They wouldn't have.
"You alrigh' Hermione?" Asked a breathless, concerned Hagrid.
He looked even more bushy haired and dishevelled than usual after his wrestle with Buckbeak, who was now looking rather indignant at being tethered for what he classed as no good reason at all.
Hermione nodded unable to speak.
"Fine. He's been hurt Hagrid. He needs to be taken to the hospital wing." She said softly her eyes flickering to Malfoy's.
But he looked away from her quickly. She felt even worse than she had this morning.
Hagrid's black eyes widened at the blood on Malfoy's sleeve and Hermione's hand on his arm. Hermione left his side quickly with an embarrassed flush on her cheeks. Hagrid shook his head and grumbled beneath his breath but he dutifully led Malfoy to the hospital wing. Malfoy assured Hagrid he was capable of walking which surprised Hermione. Malfoy was usually quite cowardly when it came to injuries. She'd seen him rolling around crying like a baby after a few quidditch injuries before. But his grey eyes were completely free from tears as Hagrid guided him across the grounds a large hand spread across his shoulder.
Hermione sighed and as she turned to the rest of her class she found all eyes on her. She flushed from the attention and returned to Harry and Ron's side with her head held high. She ignored the whispers of the Slytherins.
They both looked at her as if really seeing her for the first time.
"What?" She replied shortly.
She had a headache. She felt sick. She was tired of the lies but most of all she couldn't get Malfoy's sad grey eyes out of her mind. She glanced at his blood that was drying to a rusty brown on her palms. She had never felt as awful as she did right now.
Harry and Ron shook their heads profusely but gave each other pointed looks as the bell thankfully rang. The Slytherin's drifted back up to the castle and the Gryffindor's moved to join the Hufflepuffs at Herbology. Hermione's head was all over the place and she could tell Harry and Ron had questions for her but that now wasn't the time to ask them.
Hermione hesitantly glanced over at the Slytherin table noticing all of the glares directed towards her and one noticeably absent Malfoy.
She bit her lip and looked at Harry and Ron.
"Do you think he'll be alright?"
Ron shrugged his mouth full of bread.
"Why wouldn't he be? Hagrid can't be blamed for stupid Malfoy. He warned us not to approach without bowing. He can't get in trouble for that twat."
Hermione blushed. She hadn't been talking about Hagrid.
"You didn't mean Hagrid did you?" Asked Harry coolly.
Hermione opened her mouth to retort but what would be the point of telling yet another lie?
"Course she did who else—you didn't mean Malfoy, did you?" Asked a shocked and offended Ron.
Hermione stayed silent but Ron sighed exasperatedly.
"You're kidding 'mione! Come on he deserved that. After everything he said to you and all this dementor stuff with Harry. You said yourself this morning to him. What's going on with you Hermione?" Asked Ron concernedly.
She sighed. She wanted to blurt everything out to them but she couldn't so she only told them what she could.
"His father will find a way to use this against Hagrid. I'm just worried that's all." She said massaging her temples.
"He pushed you out of the way, Malfoy." Said Harry matter of factly.
Hermione flushed and her brown eyes flickered guiltily from Harry's intense green gaze.
"Well yeah otherwise Buckbeak would have got her too." Said Ron automatically.
"But it's Malfoy." Said Harry meaningfully.
Ron frowned and looked pointedly at Hermione.
"Oh yeah…"
"I don't know why he did that. I was pretty cruel to him before that happened. I feel awful."
Ron dropped his fork with a clatter.
"Are you mental? None of what happened was your fault. He deserved it after all the cruel things he's said to you. He isn't worth feeling guilty over. " Said Ron comfortingly.
Hermione nodded feeling a little more reassured. Ron was right. She didn't know why she felt so terrible.
"He hasn't been cruel to Hermione for a while." Said Harry watching her closely.
Hermione swallowed thickly. Harry was too observant at times. So he'd noticed that he didn't tease her anymore either. Not since the 'mudblood' incident. This wasn't good.
"Yeah he is. Today when Hermione went mental at him he-"
"Was being mean to me and Hermione defended me. He didn't say anything about Hermione."
Hermione felt her intestines writhe in her gut. She pushed her plate away untouched.
"I'm not hungry. I'll see you in potions." She whispered as she walked away from Ron's confused and Harry's intense stare. Somehow their stares made her feel worse than the whole table of Slytherin combined.
Malfoy winced as Madame Pomfrey healed the deep wound on his arm. She shook her head disapprovingly.
"Honestly, a Hippogriff?! What next a Dragon?!" She exclaimed tersely with a shake of her neat grey curls in her white starched hat.
The wound was deep and although fully healed externally Madame Pomfrey insisted he keep a sling on it for at least a week until it was fully healed internally. He protested but she said if he didn't it wouldn't be healed properly for his upcoming quidditch match. His stomach filled with nervous butterflies at the thought. She urged him to stay and rest at least until afternoon lessons. He sighed but agreed hoping to lie back on his fluffy pillow and rest. But sleep wouldn't come his mind was overrun with thoughts most of them centred, rather worringly, on Hermione. Suddenly her rosy lips formed into a thin smirk that he had never seen her have before. She didn't suit a smirk.
"You don't have a soul Draco Malfoy." She whispered cruelly.
She laughed but it wasn't Hermione's laugh. It was high, cold and mean. She leant forward to press her lips to his in a bruising cruel kiss. But her lips never touched his. Her beautiful face melted away to reveal the dark shadows of a Dementor's hood. Suddenly he couldn't breathe and his entire body was covered in cold chills. The dementor pulled away and shook its head silently. It drew back its hood to reveal the terrible dream Hermione once more.
"Nothing at all in there. How does it feel Malfoy to have no soul?" She asked with a devilish smirk.
"Malfoy, Malfoy…"
She kept saying his name but this voice was different it sounded far away and like the real Hermione's. He felt warm once more and smelled the unmistakable scent of her rose shampoo and lavender soap.
He opened his eyes to find a very concerned Hermione leaning over him. Both of her hands were gripping onto his uninjured forearm. Her fingers were very warm and soft.
He frowned slightly. He was in hospital. He flushed as the memories of this morning came back to him and the awful nightmare began to fade.
Hermione blushed and stood back from him.
"Sorry it's just it looked like you were, having a nightmare." She whispered.
Malfoy sat up glancing at the table of cards and honeyduke's chocolates that his friends had brought him. Why was she here and not them? She looked so guilty in that moment that he almost pitied her.
"Looks like I still am." He replied coldly.
Hermione sighed.
"I'm not here to fight." She replied in an exhausted tone.
"Oh? Seemed that way this morning Granger."
"Malfoy – I'm sorry alright. You just…irritate me sometimes. There was no need to act like that to Harry." She said honestly.
"Why did you say it?" He asked softly.
Hermione blushed as the sick feeling returned. She felt truly terrible.
"Why did you push me out of the way?" She countered.
Malfoy hesitated and flicked his eyes away shyly.
Hermione sighed realising she would have to be the first to speak. They were both stubborn but Draco was also sullen which made for a particularly bad combination.
"I just wanted to say something mean like the things you say to Harry. I thought I was being brave by standing up to you but it was a really cowardly thing to do and I honestly feel awful. "She said dropping her eyes to the floor guiltily.
"Why do you care so much? It's only me. I say worse things than that all the time. Forget it." He replied gently.
Hermione's eyes met his.
"Because I just do I can't help it. I feel awful. Is this how it feels when you say mean things to people? If it feels like this I don't want to feel this way ever again." She replied with a firm shake of her head as her eyes became wet with unshed tears.
"I…wouldn't know. I've been doing it for so long." He said softly.
Hermione gazed at him gently. He looked so fragile in that moment that she refused to believe it.
"That's not true. You can pretend and lie all you want but I know deep down behind all those mean words that you can feel and get hurt just like everyone else. I know I hurt you earlier by saying that and I really am sorry. I didn't mean it." She said quietly.
Malfoy blushed awkwardly. He hadn't meant to let her see how much her words had hurt him but it was hard to hide things from Hermione. Her eyes stripped through his lies to his black, soulless core.
"I told you it's fine. " He said defensively.
Hermione swallowed as she felt tears sting her eyes.
"No it isn't. Is this how you felt last year when you called me a mudblood? Is that why you don't say mean things to me anymore?" She asked gently.
She watched him intently. He'd paled considerably and his long, pale fingers were picking at the cotton threads on the bedsheet.
"Don't say that word." He said firmly.
Hermione frowned.
"But you-"
"I know. I know. Just don't, alright Granger." He said.
She nodded at a loss of what to say. He was serious.
"Look we're even alright? We both said things we shouldn't have. It's done. Just forget it."
Hermione nodded once more. It was more of an apology that she thought she'd get. She hadn't expected that at all from him. Malfoy was so different when he was like this. She wondered if anyone else knew this Malfoy or perhaps this was just her Malfoy. She blushed at the thought. It was best to move on she didn't want to make this more awkward than what it already was.
"So how are you feeling?" She asked awkwardly.
"Like I've just been trampled by a Hippogriff." He said sarcastically.
Hermione laughed. She couldn't help it. She suddenly felt the tension that had been over her all day lifting slightly.
Malfoy was funny. In a very dry, sarcastic way, that was honestly very similar to her own sense of humour, it had surprised her greatly.
Malfoy smiled at her laugh. It made him feel warm. He still felt a little out of sorts from that nightmare but being in her presence was making him feel better by the second. How strange that she should have that effect on him.
"Don't be. I suppose I did sort of deserve it. I did dishonour Hagrid's stupid big chicken." He said teasingly.
Hermione erupted into another fit of giggles. Malfoy smiled. He could really get used to that sound. Even if he did have to be the butt of the joke. He found he didn't mind being laughed at when it was Hermione. She would never laugh at anyone to be cruel or conceited Hermione was completely free of any undesirable attributes like that. It was a refreshing change to spend time with someone as inherently good as her.
"Don't say that. What possessed you to charge towards a hippogriff anyway?" She asked sobering slightly.
"You made me mad." He answered simply.
Hermione's eyes widened.
"I thought you did it because you wanted to ruin Hagrid's lesson." She replied incredulously.
Malfoy shook his head.
Hermione froze. Lost for words. In that moment he was being so candid with her. So vulnerable. This was her Malfoy. She wished he could always be this way.
"I didn't think the opinion of someone so below you would matter." She said haughtily.
Malfoy shook his head.
"This has nothing to do with blood status or whatever."
Hermione's eyes widened at his words. She was shocked. When was anything not about blood status for the Malfoys?
"Then what?" She asked gently.
Malfoy blushed beneath her gentle gaze.
"You're a very honest person Granger. Someone like you can see me for what I really am. I'm just not used to that." He replied calmly.
Hermione sat on the edge of his bed as she felt her entire body deflate. She had no idea what to say to him. His honest words had completely caught her off guard.
"I honestly don't know who you are. Is this really you? Or is the real you who you are in front of everyone else?" She asked gazing inquisitively at him.
"It's all an act isn't it? Even someone like you acts. You act this way when we're together, alone. But if Potter or Weasley were here you wouldn't be speaking with me."
Hermione flushed and made to retort but she didn't know what to say. Was Malfoy right?
"I don't completely change who I am Malfoy. See unlike you I don't care what people think." She said with a shake of her head.
Malfoy snorted in disbelief.
"Of Course you do. You care when people tease you. You care what your friends think of you. You care when you don't get top marks in class, if that ever happened. You care what people think just the same as everyone else does."
Hermione narrowed her eyes at him and made an indignant sound. Malfoy chuckled.
"You know I'm right."
"Alright maybe I do mind what people I care about think. But that's different. I would never act like a complete arse in front of all my friends so they'll like me. I speak my mind and defend my friends that's all. I would never be cruel to anyone just for the sake of it. I would never do that." She said defiantly.
"And you think that's why I say mean things? Just for the sake of it?" He said defensively.
Hermione shrugged.
"Why else would you say cruel things to people?"
Malfoy shrank back slightly from her unwavering gaze. It was a demand not a question.
"Because I hate myself."
Hermione swallowed thickly as she stared at him in disbelief. Of all the answers she'd expected that wasn't one of them.
Hermione didn't say anything else. Her gaze softened and she turned to face him fully.
"Why do you hate yourself?" She asked quietly.
Malfoy gave her a sad smile.
"I think you can answer this one for me. Go on." He said.
Hermione sighed. His eyes were sad again. This vulnerable Malfoy did strange things to her.
"I can't, only you can answer that. You can tell me. I'm good at keeping secrets." She said with a small smile.
Malfoy shook his head with a tight smile.
Hermione nodded. She knew he didn't want to talk about it but she understood that he would when he was ready.
"If it means anything, I don't hate you." She said honestly.
Malfoy's eyes locked on hers. They were swirling with tentative uncertainty. Hermione blushed at her admission.
"Why?" He asked.
Hermione shrugged.
"I'll tell you why I don't hate you when you tell me why you hate yourself."
Malfoy rolled his eyes but smirked.
"Fine. Point taken. Want some?" He asked as he leant over his bedside table and opened up the pack of his favourite Honeyduke's chocolates.
Hermione's eyes widened but she nodded slowly. She felt rather hungry now that her nerves had calmed enough to eat. He made her feel so strange. Calm and jittery all at once ands a million other things she couldn't ever begin to understand.
She took a piece of his chocolate with a shy thankyou. They sat in silence letting the chocolate melt and fill their mouths with wonderful bittersweet richness. He caught her eye and they smiled at one another tentatively.
Hermione was feeling much better. Everything was back to being normal and nice. Well new normal she was still getting used to this Malfoy and being with him when he was like this. But she had to admit she was rather enjoying his company.
"What are you doing here anyway don't you have lunch with Potty and Weasel?" He asked.
Hermione rolled her eyes.
"Don't call them that. I wasn't hungry I was too worried about Hagrid and you know…you so I left." She admitted shyly.
Malfoy smiled as a happy warm feeling bloomed in his chest at her words.
"Worried about me? Don't tell me you're actually starting to care?" He asked teasingly.
Hermione's blush deepened and she rolled her eyes.
"Oh shut up. Everyone was worried about you. Especially Pansy. She was glaring at me at lunch even more than usual. I reckon she wishes it was me that got my arm busted by Hagrid's chicken and not her precious little Drakeykins." She replied teasingly.
Malfoy laughed but flushed and shook his head.
"Don't even start me on that girl. She's just jealous." He replied with a shrug as he offered her a sugar quill which she accepted and nibbled on as she contemplated over what he could mean by that.
"I can literally hear the wheels in that magnificent brain of yours turning." He said with a raised brow.
Hermione flushed at his compliment. It felt strange sitting here on Draco's hospital bed sharing sweets. It was almost as if they were friends, were they?
"Why would she be jealous?" Asked Hermione.
"Because she's nothing like you." He answered matter of factly.
Hermione frowned as she nibbled on the quill.
"Isn't that a good thing?" She asked.
Malfoy watched as the sugar quill rested between her white teeth and her rosy lips. He swallowed slowly finding the sight quite captivating. He felt his pulse quicken as he gazed at her.
"Put it this way, I wouldn't have stood between her and Buckbeak."
The quill faltered slightly from her lip as she gave him a shocked look.
Hermione had this strange effect on him where he was compelled to tell the truth. And he didn't regret being so open with her. It felt good to have someone to talk to. Someone he could trust. It was almost like he had an actual…friend.
"I thought you two were going out?" She asked.
Malfoy shook his head.
"Our parents keep trying to force us together but it's not happening. Pansy wants it to happen but it won't. Not if I have anything to say about it."
Hermione almost choked on her sugar quill. She looked at him completely astounded. Did purebloods have arranged marriages still? He looked at her with so much conviction that she knew he truly meant what he was saying.
"Parents? So like an arranged marriage? Isn't that sort of weird?"
Malfoy shook his head.
"It's normal for pureblood families to arrange matches. Keeps-"
"The blood pure." She replied paling slightly.
Malfoy nodded stiffly.
"Doesn't that bother you that they've mapped out your life like that? Don't you want to take control of your own life?" She asked her eyes shining.
"Of course it does. I'll do a lot of things to make my parents happy and proud but I won't marry Pansy. She looks prettier on the outside than she is on the inside and that's saying something." He said with a smile.
Hermione's mouth opened in shock.
"So you'll go along with any crazy pureblood tradition but you won't marry Pansy because you don't like the look of her. How very progressive and stoic of you." She said shaking her head in disbelief.
"Always thinking the worst of me Granger. The real reason I won't marry her is because I don't love her. If I marry I want it to be in the right way and for the right reason. Simple." He said as he broke off another square of chocolate.
Hermione suddenly felt very warm. He was being so unashamed and honest about all of this. It was almost sweet to know that someone like Malfoy valued something like love and marriage. He'd surprised her again.
"Why are you looking at me like that?" He asked slightly self consciously.
"I just didn't think you'd think about things like that that's all. Were your parents matched?" She asked.
"Didn't think I'd care about things like real love you mean. No they didn't need to be. They met here and fell in love. Perfect match really. Both completely crazy about money and blood purity."
Hermione bit her lip. She was ashamed to admit she had thought that. But Malfoy was surprising her more and more each day. She shuddered at the disdain in his voice when he spoke about his parents. She'd been wrong about him again. Maybe he was so protective about his parents because he feared them in some way.
"What if you fell in love with someone poor, someone not pure or maybe both?" She asked.
Malfoy stiffened slightly.
"That couldn't happen." He replied.
Hermione rolled her eyes.
"How can you find real love if you have such a narrow view of it?" She asked.
"You don't understand-"
"Then help me to." She said gently.
Malfoy sighed as he became trapped in her intense inquisitive gaze. Hermione didn't give up. He knew that already. Why did she want to know this stuff about him?
"You don't know what it's like to live with the pressure and the expectation all the time. My mum has a sister. I have an Aunt I've never met because she fell in love with a muggle. They cut people out that don't live their lives the way they think is right. They forget they ever existed and lock them away like those muggle books. You're lucky you know, being a muggle-born, you can love whoever you want. "
Hermione felt her breath catch. He was right she had no idea about that kind of pressure he was living with. That was awful. He was an only child. If he fell in love with someone undesirable he would have nothing. He had everything to lose. She couldn't believe he'd say something so…liberal about muggle-borns. He almost sounded envious. She knew in that moment that he didn't buy into all the pureblood bull shit like his parents did, not really, but what was the alternative?
Hermione shook her head.
"I'm sorry I didn't know. Things change over time. By the time you can marry they might not care who you marry as long as you're happy. I can't fall in love with a pureblood." She said with a shy blush.
"That won't happen." He said with a warm smile.
Hermione frowned. How did he know that? Dumbledore was already doing so much to integrate muggle borns into the magical world. The laws and people's own narrow minded ideas would change eventually.
"You're way too smart to fall in love with someone like me." He said teasingly.
Hermione's mouth went completely dry. Her face felt like it was ablaze and she wanted nothing more than to look away from those bewitching grey eyes of his. But she couldn't. She was saved from more torturously awkward staring by the bell ringing.
"Potions." She blurted out as she sprung from his bed.
He smiled at her flustered expression. He liked when she got all flushed. It made her rather bewitching freckles stand out.
He nodded.
"I'm coming too. I feel fine." He said as he rose from the bed.
"Are you sure you're alright?" She said gesturing at his sling.
"Never better. You think if I asked Snape to get Weasley to cut up my daisy roots for me he would?"
Hermione laughed then clamped her hand over her mouth. She shouldn't have laughed at that.
"Don't be mean to Ron. Of course he would you're his favourite." She said teasingly.
"Alright Granger don't get all sore because I beat you at potions sometimes. Snape has nothing to do with it. It's pure talent and you know it." He said smugly.
"I don't think you'll ever have to worry about marrying for love Malfoy. You're already completely in love with yourself." She said shaking her head at him.
Malfoy laughed and watched her walk ahead of him with a smile on his face. He watched the defiant swing of her narrow hips and that bushy ponytail.
"Granger!"
She turned to him slowly.
"See you tonight."
Hermione blushed and nodded.
She smiled feeling much lighter and happier than she had in a while. Even double potions couldn't bring down her mood. Everything would be ok. This whole double life secrecy thing might not be so bad after all.
Snape's particularly foul mood could do nothing to dull her newly invigorated positive attitude. She smiled discreetly over her bubbling cauldron as she caught Malfoy's eyes. Ron muttered darkly as he began to butcher Malfoy's daisy roots. She bit her lip to stop herself from laughing and she watched as Malfoy's lip twitched.
AN: Next chappie we have the quidditch match Gryffindor V Slytherin. That's right guys I'm going full AU on you all!