A/N: Part 4 is finished! Aren't you excited! And even more exciting, there's another part coming! An 'epilogue' of sorts. There was a lot I wanted to add to the ending of the story but it didn't match the theme of part 4 and also why not add a fifth part!
Plus, there are TWO sequels planned. There's Bucky and Zach's wedding which is already in the works. It may take a while though but if you check the stories list it'll be call My Big Fat Gay Wedding. And then there will be a sequel sequel about the band that I am still fleshing out but yeah.
Anyway, welcome to part four. If you didn't know, the original plan of this story was a very long one shot. And now we're at five parts and two sequels. So…yay! More parts. Thanks for sticking around everyone!
TRIGGER WARNINGS: I know for a fact that this chapter has a lot of heavy stuff to deal with. A really big part of it deals with Addison contemplating suicide. You have been warned.
Now enjoy!
Friday, July 26 11:11am PST
Seattle, Washington
Zed woke up Friday morning feeling happier than he'd been in months. Things were finally looking up in his love life. The more time he spent trying to avoid his feelings for Addison, the harder he fell for her. And then finally, finally, something happened. They kissed and they even went to bed together (which was more than he had ever expected to happen).
Everything came crashing down after that.
Addison was gone. Zed spent a half hour searching the room for any trace of her—everything was gone like she had left in a hurry. He quickly got dressed before leaving his room and going into the common area of their hotel room, finding Eliza and Bonzo sitting at the island with smug smiles. He ignored their looks and asked, "Have you guys seen Addison?"
"What? You lost your hookup from last night?"
"She's gone!" Zed exclaimed worriedly. "All her shit that was in my room is gone! No note, no nothing!"
"Dude, relax. Just call her."
Zed nodded and ran back to his room, grabbing his phone from his discarded jeans and unlocking it, calling Addison. It went straight to voicemail. He tried calling her five more times and every time it went straight to voicemail.
"It's not ringing!" he shouted in frustration as he walked quickly out of his room. "Why isn't it ringing! What's going on!"
"Her phone could be dead," Eliza offered, though it was obvious that even she didn't believe it.
Or she blocked you. Bonzo signed.
"Dude!" Eliza sighed.
Zed groaned in frustration. He was worried about her, sure, but the possibility that she blocked him was just so childish. She didn't have to block him, they could've talked like adults. He hadn't forced her to do anything, they could've talked about everything. But she just decided to skip town and block him and just run from her problems.
"Here, I'll call her," Eliza said. "And prove to you that she didn't block you."
Zed and Bonzo watched as Eliza pulled out her phone and dialed Addison. Just as she put it on speaker, Addison's voicemail played.
"Call her again," Zed said. "Maybe it's our phones. Maybe we're the problem."
Eliza rolled her eyes and called her again (and again) and every time they got her voicemail. If you text her and it's green then she blocked you, Bonzo supplies helpfully.
Zed switched to a message and just said 'Hey.' "It's green," Zed sighed.
"Mine is too," Eliza said in confusion. They both looked at Bonzo, who nodded in agreement. "Why am I blocked? I'm not the one who manipulated her into sex and was bad at it."
"That's not what happened!" Zed groaned in frustration. "Please stop! Stop blaming me it's not my fault!"
"Then who's fault is it?" Eliza asked. "You were the last one with her and now she's gone! She's blocked our phones! Am I wrong to assume that it's your fault?"
"This is stupid. We shouldn't be arguing we-we should be trying to find Addison."
"How are we gonna find her? She's blocked us! She doesn't want us!"
"I-I…" Zed sighed. He looked down, then back up as an idea popped in his head. "Forgot my iPhone! I've got her Apple ID password, we can track her phone!"
Eliza gaped at him. "Why? Why do you have her Apple ID?"
"She was logging on and off on my laptop during this past week," Zed explained offhandedly. He unlocked his phone and went straight to the app in question.
"What the fuck," he breathed out. He looked up at them and said, "She's in Portland."
"What?"
Zed nodded. "Connected to WiFi in Portland, Oregon."
Could she have left her phone when we were there?
"We were taking pictures on her phone last night at dinner," Eliza said.
"I'm gonna go find her," Zed decided.
Eliza stood up too. "We'll come with."
"No, you guys need to stay and cover for us," Zed said. "Maykel and Bree can't find out Addison is gone."
"Dude—"
"No," Zed stated. "You said this was my fault. If it's my fault then I need to fix it."
He jogged back to his room and got dressed quickly. He went back out with a backpack stuffed full of some hotel foods and some clothes (just in case). "I'm gonna rent a car and drive to Portland," he told them. "You guys handle things up here, okay?"
"Yeah, okay," Eliza said. "Stay safe, Z."
Friday, July 26 11:18am PST
Bay City, Oregon
Addison sat with her phone a few inches away from her. It was early and low tide, but once it got later in the day and the tide came in, it'd be gone.
The beach was surprisingly empty for the middle of summer. Addison had been hoping to get lost in the noises of the city. She wanted to be alone but not entirely alone. She wanted the distraction of hundreds of people, bustling by and not noticing her where she could just be forgotten.
It was so easy to get swept away in the madness of a busy city. But it was even easier to vanish when you were completely alone.
Addison couldn't even bring herself to cry. She just felt so betrayed and wrong and…dirty. She couldn't even look at herself in the mirror. Everytime she looked at her own hands, she just wished they were gone and off. She hated herself and everything that had happened.
All she could think about was Snake. Everything with Snake and her life and everything. Zed wasn't Snake, but he could be. Snake was nice and supportive in the beginning and Zed was nice in the beginning. Snake changed after sex. Zed could change too.
What if Zed provoked Lucy? She could've gone through the same things that Addison did, and just reacted differently. It made Addison feel sick inside that Zed could be another version of Snake. That she could end up in Lucy's shoes.
Addison stood up, acting on auto pilot as she lifted her phone and inspected it briefly. She stepped toward the water, letting it wash over her feet.
Addison threw her phone as far as she could, watching it hit the water and disappear from her view. She turned away, grabbing her shoes and walking off the beach. She didn't know what she would do, but she was sick of being some toy that people used and tossed away. She wouldn't go let that happen. She couldn't.
Friday, July 26 5:41pm PST
Bay City, OR
Halfway to Oregon, Addison's location changed from Portland to Bay City. Zed didn't think it was good that she had gone to such an isolated area. It made the trip four hours long and he had to take a break to eat a little something. He had done research and Bay City barely had a thousand people.
The four hour trip was two and a half hours. By the time he'd gotten to Bay City, Addison's phone was offline. He could track it as far as a beach that was completely empty.
He was basically running around this city he didn't know, looking for a girl he was in love with who had run away from him. It took him an hour to even find anyone who knew anything about Addison.
He found a waiter at a cafe and said to them, "I'm looking for a girl. She's about this tall, blonde and blue eyes and pale and skinny. It's really important that I find her."
"Yeah, she's walked past like half an hour ago or something," he answered.
"Really?"
The waiter nodded. "She headed that way." He pointed in the direction opposite of where Zed had come from. "She looked really out of it. She walked in and just stared and then came up to the counter. Then stared again then left."
"Jesus," Zed groaned. "Okay, thank you!"
He turned and ran out of the shop, then down the street. Zed needed to find Addison. She was mentally unstable, suicidal. He didn't want her to live for his own selfish reasons. He wanted Addison to live the life she always dreamed, without hating herself or wishing herself dead.
He turned a corner and looked around. Zed sighed and put his hands on his head, taking a few deep breaths. He needed to think this through, get into her head and figure out where she might go.
Zed looked up at the sky, just on coincidence, and saw her. She was on the roof of the building across the street, slowly walking around the edges.
"Holy shit," he breathed out.
His mind was whirling as he ran into the building. There was an elevator, no front desk, and a staircase. Zed ran to the stairs and took them as fast as he could. 'She could have jumped she might have jumped you need to go faster you need to go faster you need to save her. Save her from herself before she does something bad before she makes a mistake before she falls.'
Zed burst through the top floor and ran to the end. There was a door at the end of the hallway that was clearly off limits and for roof access. Zed ran through the door and looked around, spotting Addison and running for her.
Balance
Twenty-one years of pretending everything was fine. Everything in life was perfect and there was nothing wrong. Twenty-one years of faking a sort of balance.
Ten minutes of balancing on the edge of the roof. Somewhere in the back of her head, behind all the screaming and yelling and nightmares and hatred, Addison thought of how her actual balance was the only difference between life and death. She was on the edge between two planes. If she tilted too much one way, she would hit the concrete of the roof and be bruised a little. If she titled too much the other, it was just the end.
She'd done the math. She knew what would happen if she landed the wrong way. 'The right way, if you wanna die.' If she closed her eyes and just stood there, fate would take over. Life or death. Death or life.
So she stopped walking and closed her eyes. It wasn't up to her anymore. If it was, she might have leaned more to one side. The side with the wind.
Addison felt the force of gravity pulling on her. Her feet left the ground and something pulled on her arm. She knew that feeling, that smell.
Zed wrapped his arms around her tightly, completely engulfing her in his arms. "Addison," he breathed in a thick and out of breath voice. "Oh my god."
He was shaking and Addison felt a drop of water on the top of her head. 'Snake never cried about you,' she thought. 'Zed is crying over you.'
For the first time since waking up, Addison cried.
Friday, July 26 6:09pm PST
Bay City, OR
They cried in a tangle of limbs for another twenty minutes. They didn't say anything, just held each other in their arms for support and solidity. It felt good knowing that Zed was there, that he was real, and Zed felt the same way about Addison.
Zed got them to their feet and walked with Addison down the stairs and out of the building. He kept her tucked into his side and guided her away from where they had been.
Despite being a small town, Bay City had a little motel. Zed got a room and led Addison inside. He didn't know what to say to her so just didn't. He did notice how she would look at her own hands in disgust and horror and shock, feeling a little sense of blame for her self hatred.
They didn't just stand in a motel room. Zed guided her to the bathroom, turning on the water. Addison stood there, not meeting his eyes.
Zed moved to her, gently peeling off her clothes then helping her under the spray. She didn't resist, letting him scrub her skin down.
He didn't try anything. He took care of her, getting some towels and drying her off, then helping her into one of his shirts and extra boxers.
For the first time since he found her, Addison looked up at him. She opened her mouth to say something and Zed shook his head. "You should get some rest," he told her softly. "I think I'm gonna jump in the shower."
Addison nodded and moved to the only bed in the room. She wondered for a second where Zed would sleep. The thought left her head as she quickly slipped into a dreamless sleep.
Zed went into the bathroom and pulled out his phone. He figured he should update Eliza and Bonzo on the situation at had. They'd have to figure out what they would do about the show that was supposed to happen the next night in Canada too.
Zed 6:22pm
Hey friends
Eliza 6:22pm
Answer your phone much! We've been calling and texting you for hours! Maykel doesn't know where you are and neither does Bree but she knows you're missing and he doesn't and we're on our way to fucking Vancouver!
Bonzo 6:23pm
What's happening? Did you find Addison?
Zed 6:25pm
Yes. We're gonna spend the night here and then I guess we'll try and meet you guys in Vancouver.
Eliza 6:25pm
You guess? What the fuck happened!
Zed 6:26pm
It's a really long story. I need to shower and go get the car before Addison wakes up. Just know that we're both okay right now.
Eliza 6:26pm
Fine whatever.
Bonzo 6:27pm
Stay safe dude.
Saturday, July 27 8:12 am PST
Bay City, OR
Vancouver is 391 miles away
Soundcheck at 3:30pm
Concert at 7:00pm
Addison woke up the next morning actually feeling a lot better than she had the day before. Not necessarily happy, but also not sad.
The bed was empty, and she felt a wave of fear that Zed had left her alone the night before. Until she saw him asleep in the desk chair, looking more uncomfortable than ever.
Zed had stayed with her, and hadn't taken advantage. He was quite possibly the sweetest human ever in existence. It made Addison feel bad for even comparing him to Snake.
Zed was nothing like him. He was empathetic and caring and soft. Everything she'd thought about him was just her mind screwing with her, trying to make her think something that wasn't true.
Zed woke up a few minutes after she did. He looked around, dazed and confused, until he spotted Addison and smiled slightly. Addison just looked at him and drew her knees up into her chest, shrinking into herself. She couldn't help but be a little afraid of Zed, no matter how kind he was to her.
"Good morning," Zed greeted in a gentle voice. "How are you feeling?"
Addison shrugged.
"Do you want to talk about yesterday?"
Addison shook her head.
"That's…that's fine," he said with a nod.
They sat in silence for a few minutes. Then Addison asked in a soft voice, "How are we gonna get to Canada by soundcheck?"
"You want to perform tonight?" Addison nodded. "Why?"
"It's my job."
"You can't just pretend that everything is fine, Addison. Everything is not fine. You ran away yesterday. You were gonna jump off a building. You wanted to kill yourself. And now you wanna go out there and pretend like nothing happened?"
Addison looked down, feeling ashamed of herself. "I…I like singing. I think it might be good for me."
"Oh," Zed said in realization. "I…we'll figure it out. We don't have our passports or anything, though. Maybe there's another way to cross the border without them."
"Thank you," Addison said softly.
Zed stood up and stretched. He groaned in satisfaction as his joints popped and Addison's lip twitched in a slight smile.
"I bought you some clothes last night," Zed said. "Eliza says that they left at noon yesterday. Bree's the only one who noticed that we aren't there but they're covering for us so Maykel can't find out."
"You bought me clothes?"
Zed nodded. "I had to go and find the car last night and eat dinner. Are you hungry? When's the last time you ate?"
Addison shrugged a little. She watched as Zed moved to sit down on the end of the bed. "Did you eat at all yesterday?" Zed asked, and she shook her head no.
"Okay…You can hop in the shower if you'd like, get changed. Try not to be long, 'cause we're pretty far from Vancouver and we need to figure out how we're gonna cross the border and get there in time for soundcheck."
"I…" Addison sighed and looked up at him. "Can we do what we did yesterday? Please?" she asked quietly.
Zed nodded quickly. "Yeah, of course! I mean—yes, I can. Come on."
Addison followed him to the bathroom. Zed turned on the water and Addison stripped, then stepped into the shower. Unlike the night before, she watched him as he cleaned her off. He didn't say anything. He didn't do anything. He just took care of her, without necessarily being asked. She didn't deserve him.
Zed had gotten her underwear and leggings and a tee shirt. She still had the bra she had been wearing with her birthday dress. Addison opted to wear one of his extra shirts, then waited on the bathroom sink for him to finish in the shower. She didn't really want to be alone and Zed was fine with keeping a one sided conversation while in the shower.
They finished then got in the car that Zed had rented. "We need to eat breakfast at some point," Zed pointed out. "But we at least need to get out of Oregon, especially if we plan on making it to Vancouver before soundcheck."
Addison nodded in agreement.
"Do you have your license?" Zed asked. "I read that we can cross the border if we have identification and proof of citizenship."
"I don't have proof of citizenship," Addison said. "My license is with my dress."
"I'm curious as to why but you don't have to tell me," Zed said. "You said you know Bucky's number by heart?" Addison nodded. "Use my phone and ask him to fax a copy of your birth certificate. We can find a copy store when we stop for breakfast."
"Okay."
Zed glanced at her briefly, then asked, "Did you eat at all yesterday?"
Addison shook her head. "I fell asleep early."
"It's okay, don't sweat. We'll stop at the next town, get you your birth certificate and a nice hearty breakfast."
"Can I take a nap?" Addison asked.
"Go ahead. I'll wake you up when we stop."
Saturday, July 27 9:18am PST
Vancouver, British Columbia (Canada)
Eliza and Bonzo has gotten yelled at by Bree once she figured out that both Addison and Zed were missing. All of that had happened the day before, and by the next morning they were more concerned with where their friends were and if they would make it in time for the show or even soundcheck.
They had been sitting around, worrying themselves to the bone, when Eliza got a call from Zed. "Dude where are you!" Eliza shouted. "You didn't call me last night I'm worried sick!"
"Stop yelling," Zed said calmly. "Addison is sleeping and you're over the car speaker."
"The car?" Bree asked.
"Bree's there?"
"Yes. Where are you?"
"Driving through Oregon."
"You're in Oregon!" Bree shouted. "That's, like, seven hours away."
"I know, I know," Zed said with a sigh. "I found Addy yesterday and she was—she was gonna jump. So we spent the night here to relax and just catch our breaths and Addison still wants to perform tonight so we're gonna try to make it in time."
"Oh my god," Eliza breathed. "We should just cancel the show."
"That's what I said. She said she wants to perform." Zed explained. "The big problem is we might not be able to cross the border. We're gonna get Bucky to fax us her birth certificate but can you fax mine? I'll let you know when we get to a fax machine."
"Um, okay?"
"We haven't even eaten, I'm speeding to try and turn a seven hour drive into like four and I'm super stressed. Addison doesn't want to talk about what happened and I don't want to force her but she really needs to. I don't even wanna go on tonight."
"Then cancel the show," Eliza said.
"I doubt we could reschedule," Zed said. He sighed and said, "I gotta go I'm starving. I need to find food, can you guys get the papers ready? I'll call you when I'm there."
"Oh, okay. Be safe, Z."
"I will. Bye."
Eliza sighed and hung up, dropping her phone on the counter. "Where are our paperworks?"
"I'll go get them." Bree said as she stood up, leaving the room.
"They are still in Oregon," Eliza stated. "Fuck."
They can make it, Bonzo signed confidently. You know Zed can drive like a maniac.
"They don't even have their passports and I doubt Addison is in any condition to sing tonight," Eliza went on. "We are so fucked."
Saturday, July 27 10:57am PST
Carrolls, WA
Vancouver is 272 miles away
Soundcheck at 3:30pm
Concert at 7:00pm
Zed and Addison had managed to go to a library and get copies of their birth certificates. Bucky didn't ask any questions, which was a surprise considering he never really did anything without questioning it. They then went to a nearby Denny's. They weren't really disguised; Zed had on a beanie and sunglasses and Addison had braided her hair and put on one of Zed's extra sunglasses. Zed's hair was still bright green and peeking out from under his hat.
Luckily, the Denny's was empty except for a few stragglers here and there who had probably never heard of iZombie. "We should just order to go," Addison grumbled. "We'll never make it at this rate."
It was the most she had spoken in two days and Zed was a little surprised. She hadn't even talked a lot when she was on the phone with Bucky.
"If I'm buying breakfast then I get to decide how we eat it," Zed said with a shrug. "Besides, we can't eat in the car. It's a rental, and I am not losing any more money on it."
"But we have four hours," Addison argued. "We gotta cross the border and not to mention it's still six hours away. We'll miss soundcheck, you have to spend two hours in hair and makeup."
"You're right, we should just cancel the show."
Addison frowned but didn't say anything. Their server came and took their orders, then they continued to sit in silence as they waited for their food.
They ate in relative silence. They both went quickly through their food, wanting to be back on the toad as soon as possible. When the check came, their waitress made it known that she had recognized them and had figured they were trying to be incognito.
"I'm sorry, I'm just such a huge fan," she gushed. "I love your music and—oh my god, Addison, your voice is so beautiful."
Addison forced a small smile. "Do you want a picture?"
The waitress nodded quickly and excitedly. Both Zed and Addison got up from their booth and Zed took her phone, taking a few selfies of the three of them.
"If you plan on posting that, can you wait a half hour? So we can get out of here, since we're supposed to be in Canada as of right now."
"Of course! Thank you so much!"
"No problem. We love our fans." Zed said with a smile.
"Um, can I ask you a question?" Zed nodded. "Are you guys dating?"
Addison flinched a little and shook her head. "No."
Zed glanced at her and said, "Yeah, we aren't together."
"Oh! Okay!"
"We need to go now," Addison interjected. "We have a show in a few hours in another country."
"It was nice meeting you guys!"
"You too!"
Addison made her way to the exit and Zed followed her. They got in the car and Zed pulled out of the lot, heading to the highway.
Saturday, July 27 3:08pm PST
Vancouver, British Columbia (Canada)
"Shit." Both Bonzo and Eliza turned to look at Bree. She glanced up at them worriedly, then clicked a few buttons on her phone. Both their phones buzzed and they unlocked it, opening the website Bree had sent them.
EXCLUSIVE: iZombie band members Zed and Addison Secret Relationship!
"Oh no," Eliza muttered.
She didn't read the article and focused on the pictures. The cover shot was of them making out outside of the club a few nights ago. There were some of them dancing practically on top of each other, drinking at the bar, and more angles of them kissing outside. Then there were some from a morning none of them recognized; Zed and Addison were walking, Zed had his arm around her and Addison was leaning into his side.
"Maykel is gonna lose his shit," Eliza said, looking up.
Bonzo put his phone down then signed, We have to tell Zed this.
Elisa nodded in agreement. "I'll text him. Warn him before I send the link."
"There are so many more," Bree chimed in. "There were paparazzi in our hotel. Zed and Addison are making out against the room door, practically stripping each other."
"Please tell me there are no nudes."
Before Bree could answer, their hotel room unlocked and Maykel walked in, clearly fuming. "Where are they?" He demanded.
The three of them looked at each other nervously. "Don't freak out," Eliza started.
Saturday, July 27 3:37pm PST
US-Canada Border
Vancouver is 31 miles away
Soundcheck at 3:30pm
Concert at 7:00pm
"We're late we're so late," Addison said. "You shouldn't have gone back for me."
"Don't say that," Zed told her.
"No. You should've went with them and left me. You can sing you can manage a whole show without me."
"Addison," Zed groaned.
"Am I wrong? You don't need me to perform. You have enough songs to get by without me. You could write more. You only keep me around because—because nothing."
Zed turned around and grabbed her by her shoulders. "Addison, I went back for you because I care. Eliza cares, Bonzo cares. Bree cares. We all care about you."
Addison looked at him, her eyes filled with hopelessness and despair. "I need you as much as I need oxygen. I couldn't write music like you do, I couldn't sing like you do. No one is as amazing as you because there's only one version of you. That's the person that I—that we need."
Zed's eyes shifted to the side, where people around them had started to listen in. He had been too loud and people would be in their business. It would be a few hours before word spread to the news.
He lowered his voice when he said, "Its okay if you can't be that person that I need right now. It's perfectly fine. Just tell me, and I'll rearrange the set list and we'll let the show go on. If you can't perform tonight, just say the word."
Her lips quivered as she struggled to find the right words to say. Finally, after a few silent seconds, she whispered in a shaky voice, "I don't wanna let anyone down."
Zed sighed in relief. "Worry about yourself, Addison. Please, just take care of yourself. I told you I'd take care of you and I will keep that promise. Worry about you and I'll worry about them."
Addison nodded and ducked her head down. "I-thank you," she whispered. "I-I'm sorry that you have to keep putting up with my bullshit."
Zed pulled her into him and wrapped an arm around her shoulder as they walked forward. "I'm not 'dealing with your bullshit.' I'm just taking care of my own."
Addison tucked her head into his side as they finished going through the immigration office. They were back on the road and in Canada at four.
"Eliza's calling," Addison muttered offhandedly.
They weren't moving so Zed picked it up from the cup holder and answered. "Hello?"
"You're trending," Eliza stated. "Are you actually stupid? You know better than to make out in public!"
"What're you talking about?"
"Paparazzi got pictures of you and Addison dry humping in the club and making out outside of it and then walking hand and hand—I'll send you the article. But you two are in deep shit."
Zed grinned and scrubbed a hand over his face. "Send it to me. We're on our way over, we just crossed the border."
"You just crossed the border? It took us almost two hours to get from the border to the hotel."
"Perfect. We'll get there by six. I'll go to hair and makeup and Addison can get some rehearsal in."
"Didn't Addison attempt suicide?"
"Yes."
"And you're gonna make her perform?"
"I tried to convince her not to go on," Zed said defensively.
Addison looked at him and gave him a curious expression. "Are you talking about me?" she whispered.
Zed nodded. "Okay, whatever you say. I gotta get back to soundcheck, though it's pretty hard when your guitarist and singer are missing!"
"Shut up. I'll see you soon."
"You're on the clock Necrodopolus. You better be ready to kill it tonight. Especially…especially if Addison actually can't perform."
"I know. I'll text you Okay?"
"Bye."
Zed switched to iMessage quickly. As soon as he opened his chat with Eliza, she sent him a link to an article where the headline was about him.
Eliza 4:11pm
There's a lot more too
Zed 4:12pm
Don't let Addison find out. She doesn't have her phone so it shouldn't be hard but don't mention it around her
Zed 4:14pm
On the bus, in my bunk, there's a backpack. There are a couple of folders inside they have songs I've been writing. If Addison can't perform and our set is short, work those in. Let me know what you chose so I know what we're doing.
Eliza 4:14pm
Okay. Stay safe
"Um, Zed, why were you talking about me?" Addison asked a little nervously.
Zed started the engine and pulled into the road. "We were just talking about the set for tonight," Zed explained. "Eliza also thinks you shouldn't perform."
"Eliza can suck my dick," Addison grumbled. Zed laughed and glanced at her, seeing her smiling.
It was the first time Addison had really, truly smiled in days. It made him feel warm inside, seeing her smile after such a rough few days.
"You can play the album and sing with it since we're missing soundcheck," Zed told her. "You know my phone password."
"Okay."
Saturday, July 27 5:01pm PST
Surrey, British Columbia (Canada)
Vancouver is 23 miles away
Concert at 7:00pm
Addison hadn't sung with the music, instead just listening to their album as it played. It had been a little more than forty minutes; Zed was sick of driving, considering he'd been driving for almost seven hours on and off. His leg hurt and his arms were straining. He let his arm drop down and onto the center console, letting out a huff.
As soon as he did, Addison linked her fingers in his. Zed startled a little and look at her. "You okay?" Addison asked. "I-You've done so much for me. I haven't even considered how you might be feeling."
"I'm okay," Zed assured her. "A little tired but—"
"Did you sleep last night?" Addison asked. "I-I remember you had trouble sleeping. Nightmares and…yeah."
Zed smiled a little. "No dreams last night," he told her. "How did you sleep? I saw you looked…not peaceful. Like you were fighting or something."
Addison shrugged. "I didn't have a nightmare, if that's what you're wondering," she answered.
"Okay," Zed said. He glanced at their still intertwined hands, then back at the road.
"Zed?"
"Yes?"
"What are we doing?"
Zed answered without looking away from the road. "Trying to make the show in like two hours."
"No, I mean, what are we doing?" Addison sighed. "Can you just…just tell me the truth. Just say that it was just sex and we can just go back to whatever normal was."
"It-it wasn't just sex," Zed told her. "Addy, we need to be honest with each other, right now. I'll tell you how I truly, honestly feel about you. You'll tell me how you truly, honestly feel about me. And we'll go from there."
"Uh, okay."
Zed took a deep breath. "Okay. I…I saw this thing once that said if you love two people, you should leave the first and go for the second because if you really loved the first person you wouldn't have fallen for the second."
"Okay?"
"I broke up with Lucy because I realized that I am in love with you," he said. He refused to look at her to gauge her reaction. "And then you told me what happened with Snake, and I knew that I couldn't just—I couldn't tell you. I didn't want you to think of me as some repeat or something. I dunno, it sounds stupid."
"Oh, okay," Addison said, her voice soft and quiet. "I…You were my celebrity crush. You know that, you saw me on the first day. You're so cute and funny and you have such a pretty smile."
Zed smiled a little.
"Um, I don't know when I started liking you for real and not just as my celebrity crush. And I-I just couldn't ever tell you because you-you deserve someone pretty and fun and just…not me."
Zed looked at her and gave her hand a gentle squeeze. "You're all I want. You're all I need. You're Addison Davis, and that's more than what I deserve."
He glanced at her and saw her looking at him, her eyes red and watery and a small smile on her face. "You're way more than I deserve," she said in a choked up voice.
Zed smiled and looked back at the road. He pulled over to the shoulder, then switched into park. He turned to face Addison, reaching up and holding her face in his hands.
"Is it okay if I kiss you?"
"Mhm."
They leaned over the console and kissed, soft and gently. It lasted a few seconds before Addison pulled back, smiling slightly. Zed swiped his thumbs on her cheeks, wiping away her tears.
"Are we dating now?" Zed asked.
"If that's okay with you," Addison answered. "It would be nice."
Zed smiled and leaned forward, kissing her nose. "Okay, we have a show to get to."
He fixed himself in his seat and switched back to drive, pulling onto the highway again. "Oh, also, we're both trending because there's pictures of us dancing at the club and making out and yeah."
"What?"
Saturday, July 27 6:22pm PST
Vancouver, British Columbia (Canada)
Concert at 7:00pm
Traffic was a bitch. The roads were packed because of their show, which was good but also bad. They got as close as they could get and then parked in a hotel parking lot, then ran the rest of the way. It took ten minutes to get through security ('I am Zed Necrodopolus I'm supposed to perform tonight!').
A stage manager collected them at the entrance and rushed them backstage. They both were brought into the makeup room, where their friends were relaxing until they showed up. They all jumped up and rushed toward Zed and Addison; Zed stepped in front of Addison slightly, shielding her from them.
"Where were you guys!" Eliza demanded.
"We were worried!" Bree gushed.
"Explain later," Zed said. "We gotta get to makeup."
"You're damn right you do," Maykel said from the back. "Get changed first. I need to go over set changes with Addison while you're in makeup."
Zed glanced back at Addison, who nodded. "Okay, but I have to get dressed and in makeup too."
Zed went to his wardrobe rack while Maykel led Addison out of the room. "What happened?" Eliza asked.
"It's not important right now," Zed repeated. "Can you get me my guitar? It needs to be tuned for tonight."
Eliza rolled her eyes but went to find his guitar.
Outside, Addison and Maykel were walking down the hall toward her own dressing room. "Eliza gave me a quick run down but I'd be nice if you could tell me something," Maykel said, firm but gently. "Is everything okay?"
Addison nodded. "I'm—I-I wasn't but I'm doing better now."
Maykel raised an eyebrow. "You don't have to perform if you don't want to," he reminded her. "Zed gave us a backup in case you couldn't. They're all ready in case…"
Addison nodded in understanding. "Thank you. I-I want to try still. I made a promise and the people of Vancouver are expecting a show. I wanna give them everything I've got."
"You're one hundred percent positive?"
Addison nodded. "I—Maybe we could change the set list? Reorder some songs. Songs I'd rather do first, if that's possible."
"Of course. Go and get changed and I'll get you the set list. Change whatever you want."
Addison nodded again then went inside her dressing room. She went over and grabbed her outfit—pastel pink jeans and a pink, a white striped shirt and a pink jacket that matched the jeans. She went back to the mirror and stared at her reflection.
She hadn't looked at herself in days. She didn't even look at herself in the shower; she didn't have to, considering Zed did everything for her. All she had to do was dress herself which didn't require much looking.
Addison expected to see some frail girl that needed to be fixed, someone who was broken in every way possible, a hideous disaster that'd been storming through everyone's lives. But she just saw herself: five foot two, blonde hair, pale skin. Dressed in leggings and a tee shirt, eyes a little puffy from crying.
She took a step closer to the mirror and stared at herself longer. She couldn't stop thinking of herself as wrong and she couldn't help but feel dirty and used. But people out there loved her, apparently.
Whenever Zed would clean her in the shower, she felt a layer of baggage and self hate just wash away. It wasn't his job to fix her and yet he was so willing to help her.
Addison smiled at her reflection a little. She was still dirty and wrong but she was Addison, and that's what mattered.
She pulled her shirt over her head and set it down on the bench under the mirror. "Holy shit," she muttered. She had actual hickeys, trailing down from her collarbone and disappearing in her bra. Some went up her neck but there were few.
She couldn't help but laugh a little as she got changed. She did some light makeup—some concealer to cover the hickeys then fixed her face up—then made her way back to the Zombie dressing room.
Maykel was waiting for her outside, handing her a sheet of paper. "Zed gave us seven songs," he explained. "Our set is twenty-two. You can do the math."
"Okay, thank you."
They walked back to the dressing room. There was about ten minutes until 'curtains.' They're opening act would go first and take at least forty minutes, so they had some time to finish Zed's makeup, though they would be cutting it close.
Zed was sitting in his makeup chair and Eliza was across from him, holding his guitar. She looked up when Addison walked in and stood up, thrusting the guitar in her hands. "Tune this."
Addison pushed it back. "I have to edit the set list, I'm sorry."
"Yeah, whatever," Eliza grumbled. "Bonzo, can you do this?"
Bonzo rolled his eyes but motioned Eliza over. The two of them set to work to tune the guitar while Addison sat down across from Zed.
"Hello," Zed greeted.
"Hi."
"What're you doing?"
"Reordering the set. Putting my top seven at the top because someone had written seven songs behind my back."
Zed smiled. "I won't apologize for that."
Addison hummed and looked at the set list. She wrote numbers next to all the songs she sang on, eliminating a few she didn't have the energy for at all. Any song she had to dance in she just crossed out completely (there were three songs where she had actual choreography).
When she finished, she took the acoustic guitar and tuned it up. She used it for a little vocal warmup, sing the first verses and occasionally the chorus of a few songs.
Zed finished in makeup as the opening act started their last song of their set. They had the four minute song, plus another ten or fifteen to swap the stage.
"First half is twelve songs," Zed said. "Get through one, that's all you have to do. If you can't finish at any point, just get off the stage."
Addison nodded in understanding. Zed placed his hands on her cheeks, drawing her attention directly to his face. "Promise me you'll tell me once you can't do anymore."
"I promise," she said softly. She put her hands over his wrist, leaning her head in his hands. "I just have to get through a few songs. I can do this."
Zed smiled a little, then gave her a soft kiss. "We're gonna crush this," he told her once they pulled apart. "I'll take care of you, don't worry."
"I know you will," she whispered with a smile.
The stage manager came around the corner and said, "Seven minutes."
Zed nodded and waited for the manager to leave before kissing Addison again.
"Damn, okay," Eliza said. "When did this happen?"
"Irrelevant," Zed said. "We've got a show to do."
Eliza rolled her eyes and grumbled to herself. Zed just smiled and gave Addison one last peck on the lips, then stepped away from her.
Eliza led their pre-show pep talk. Usually Zed did it but he asked Eliza to take over because he hadn't been there in two days. Eliza kept it simple though, "Another notch in the headboard. Then let's get wasted."
"Woo!" Zed cheered.
They weren't starting with Bamm like they usually did. It was the first song on the set list and the first song Addison took off. She wouldn't admit it to anyone but she didn't want to do songs with too much energy. Bamm was too…lively.
Instead they were starting with the first song on their album, Little Do You Know. No choreography needed. The next song in their set was Flare Guns. Next they did Let Me Go, then Nothing to Regret. There was usually a song sung by Zed between the two but they changed it to all of Addison's songs first.
Next they did Mood, then Hell Nos and Headphones. Addison managed to get through all of the songs without any problems. She had mastered the art of pretending ages ago.
Then came Most Girls. Addison wasn't sure what came over her. She hadn't even made it to the chorus before she started to feel panicked. Her vision tunneled for what felt like hours and she felt like she might vomit. Her chest was tight and her ears were ringing. Every breath was painful and she felt like she would cry if she could just find her breath.
Then all of her senses came rushing back. Addison was gasping for air and nearly dropped to the ground. Except someone grabbed her under her arms and eased her into the ground.
"Hey, hey, you're okay Addy," Zed whispered gently in her ear. "Deep breaths, okay? Just take some deep breaths."
Addison was still wheezing. Her chest burned with every breath and her eyes stung. The lights were too bright and the stage was too loud and everything was just too much.
She hadn't realized she had been gasping out words. Someone pushed something in her ears and all the sound went away. She was pulled to her feet and led somewhere; she couldn't even remember that she was supposed to be putting on a concert.
Addison let herself be led until she realized she was away from the stage and the noise and everything. It was dark and chilly and she realized she was outside.
"Just breathe," Zed said softly. "Catch your breath, okay? You're okay, Addy. You're okay."
It took a few minutes; Addison squeezed his hand tightly and stood up straight, looking up and breathing deeply. She started sobbing and Zed continued to whisper encouraging words to her.
Then she dropped her head on his shoulder and cried against him. Zed wrapped his arms around her and let her cry. He was like a wall ready to support her. Zed would always be more than what she deserved.
Some time later, she felt cried out. Addison was exhausted but also felt as if a weight had been lifted off of her shoulders.
Once he noticed she had quieted down to mere hiccups, Zed asked, "Are you okay?"
"I dunno," Addison said weakly. "I-I don't know what happened. I just…and—I'm sorry."
"Don't be sorry," he told her. Addison looked up at him and saw him giving her the most sincere and understanding look. "These past few days have been a mess. We talked about your birthday in the car for fuck's sake. We didn't even mention your attempted suicide."
"Zed…"
"We don't have to talk now if you don't want to. But you can't avoid it forever. You can't just let everything bottle up inside anymore Addison."
Addison felt her eyes stinging again. Of course Zed had a point, she just had a breakdown or a panic attack or something on stage because she had been trying to ignore all of her problems for as long as possible.
"I can't finish the show," she muttered. "I'm sorry."
"You don't have to apologize. You shouldn't have even gone out there tonight. I'm sorry."
Addison just rested her head against his chest again. They stayed like that for a few more seconds, then Zed led them back inside.
"Zed," Addison said decisively. "I wanna go out there. I owe our fans an explanation, at least."
"Okay," Zed nodded.
They rounded a corner and we're back at the stage entrance. Bonzo and Eliza and Maykel and even the stage managers were standing around.
"Oh god, Addison are you okay?" Eliza asked.
Bonzo moved as if he were going to wrap Addison in a tight embrace but stopped.
Addison shook her head to answer Eliza's question. "I'm gonna sit out the rest of the show," she explained. "But…I owe them an explanation."
Eliza nodded. "That makes sense." She then offered Zed his guitar. "Let's get out there, huh?"
Addison didn't know if her fans actually cared or if it was just a Canadian thing, by they all cheered for her when she apologized and gave the stage over to Zed. She had taken out her earplugs and could catch a few shouts of support.
Bree took her to the control room first. They had screens set up where they were watching the show from all different kinds of angles, controlling what was going up on the screens.
Addison watched for a few minutes, then turned to Bree and asked, "Is there a piano around here?"
"Yeah, I'll show you." Maykel answered.
Addison followed him out of the control room and down a few different halls, then into a room filled with instruments. "I'll get you when the show's over."
Addison nodded and waited for him to leave before heading over the the baby grand in the corner. She sat down and stared at the keys.
She would have to talk about everything, sooner rather than later. She owed it to her bandmates—her friends—to give them something, instead of just walking in and pretending nothing happened.
And there was still the sudden weakness and panic in the middle of the show. Maybe it was a mix of her current mental state and the fact that she had avoided food as much as possible. It was just a theory.
Slowly, Addison placed her hands in the middle starting position. She played scales first, then easy beginner songs. She just wanted to play music now.
She played around with scales and chords, putting different notes in placed they usually weren't. Addison went from mindlessly playing the piano to actually getting notes and chords together in a song.
Sometime later, Bree came and told Addison she could go ahead and get changed so they could just get back on the bus. The show was almost over anyway so Addison washed off her makeup and changed back into the clothes Zed had given her. Bree walked her to the bus where the two of them waited for the other three members of the band.
Addison was tired but couldn't fall asleep. It didn't mean that she didn't try. She laid down in her bunk and closed her eyes but just couldn't help fall asleep.
She heard Eliza, Bonzo, and Zed get onto the bus. They had a hushed conversation with Bree, then Addison heard footsteps heading toward her. She didn't do anything differently and watched as Zed looked into her bunk. He looked at her in surprise and whispered, "Bree said you were asleep."
"I'm tired," Addison muttered. "I can't sleep."
"We're going back to the hotel. I'm sure you'll have better chances once you're in a real bed."
"When are we leaving?"
"Vancouver?" Addison nodded. "Tomorrow morning. We don't have to be in Minnesota until Friday."
"Okay," Addison said. "Um, do you think I could sleep in your room tonight?"
"Of course. You don't even have to ask. You could've just showed up and I would've been like 'okay cool.'"
Addison smiled a little. "Okay. I'm gonna pretend to sleep now."
Zed smiled and kissed her nose. "Okay, I'm going to the bathroom."
Sunday, July 28 1:09am PST
Vancouver, British Columbia (Canada)
The hotel was very similar to their previous hotel. Eliza and Bonzo had taken Addison and Zed's stuff up already and gave them the keys to their rooms.
Addison went to her room and grabbed the one suitcase they had brought up, then went over to Zed's room. Zed was in the bathroom with the door open, brushing his teeth in only his boxers.
He smiled at Addison and she walked into the bathroom, leaning against the sink. Zed rinsed his mouth, then looked at her. "Ready for bed?" he asked.
"I actually wanted to show you something," she said.
Zed raised a curious eyebrow. Addison pulled her tee shirt up over her head. He looked at her, mildly surprised.
"Did you know that I had no idea about all these hickeys?" she said. "I was very surprised when I was getting dressed today."
"You didn't notice?"
Addison shook her head. "And, bless your soul, there's barely any on my neck. No one would notice unless I were to take off my shirt."
Zed laughed, a tiny bit awkwardly. "To tell you the truth, it was a trick I had to learn because—"
"She who shall not be named insisted?"
Zed nodded.
"I kinda figured that much." Addison said. "Just a little note for next time: I don't give a fuck where you kiss and bite me and shit. I just want you to fuck me, when we both want it. And—" She pulled on his arm a little, moving him between her legs, then wrapped her arms around his neck. "I want the world to know that I'm yours."
Sunday, July 28 9:09am PST
Vancouver, British Columbia (Canada)
The trip was from Vancouver to Missoula, Montana, where they'd stop for the night then get back on the road in the morning. They ate breakfast at the hotel then got on the road at nine.
As soon as they were on the road and settled in the bus, Eliza asked, "Okay Addison, you've had plenty of time to figure out what you're going to tell us. I don't care what you say I just want something. And it'd be really great if you started from when or why you fucked Zed. The first time, not last night."
Addison laughed a little. "Well, um. We were at the club, in Seattle, and I thought I saw…and I left because I panicked and…Zed followed me and I was just being stupid and insane and it wasn't Snake it was just some dude who looked a lot like him and everything just happened and I kissed him."
"You just kissed him?"
"I'm not going into the backstory of my feelings for Zed," Addison stated.
"Sorry. Go on."
"I'm not gonna tell you about the sex. It's not relevant." Addison said. "But, um, there was a lot going on at that point. With the drinking and threat of Snake and just everything—I wanted a release and Zed was right there and—" She looked at Zed and whispered, "I'm sorry for…for just using you."
Zed looked down at the ground but didn't say anything. "And then…then I woke up and was hungover and in pain and I just kept thinking about every other time I'd had sex. And I couldn't stop thinking that I was back where I came from and I-I panicked and left."
"Why did you block us though?" Eliza asked.
"I was running away," Addison explained. "I've run away before. I didn't want to be found. I blocked Zed because I was scared of him. But I blocked you guys—anyone who might call me—so I didn't have to worry about you finding me. So I could have time to…to get rid of my phone."
"Um, where is your phone?" Bree asked.
"In the ocean. Off the coast of Oregon is where I last saw it." Addison said. "Um, anyway. I'm not…keen on jumping. There's always that chance of survival, no matter how small. You can go in the water and if you use a good weight you'll drown. Cut the right blood vessel or any enough and you'll bleed. Swallow enough pills you'll be poisoned. Trust me, I know how to kill myself. Jumping is never a sure way to die because you can always survive.
"But if you snap your neck or land on your head, you're dead. Head injuries are fatal. All you have to do is land just right and it's done. No one can save you once you're dead." Addison laughed a little bitterly, a little maniacally.
"Do you know what it feels like to be used? To be abused? To hate looking at yourself because you just feel dirty and inhuman? It fucking sucks, okay?" Her eyes started to sting again, filling up with tears. "It sucks when your life isn't your own anymore. I hated being alive before and I hate feeling like my only purpose was some toy and I was only needed for sex and I just hate that feeling. I didn't think it would happen again and when I thought it was happening I panicked and I wanted to die so it couldn't happen because I can't go through that again. I just can't."
It was hard to breathe between all the talking and the sobbing. Addison stood up and brought her hands up to her hairline, pacing up the length of the bus. "And then Zed was just there and he was crying over me and I realized that there was no way Zed could be like Snake because Snake was a heartless asshole who abused me in every way possible and Zed was there and he drove hours to find me and he was fucking crying over me and—and I had been thinking that no one cared about me and they just wanted to use me and I was going to kill myself to end my misery and no one would miss me but-but Zed was there and he cared and he just—I just—I can't even explain it."
She stopped at the front of the bus and looked at them. She blinked and wiped her eyes. "I guess it's what happens when you take on someone who's mentally unstable as your little pet project, huh?"
"Addy—" Bree said, but Addison cut her off.
"I'm going to the back don't come talk to me. Please."
She walked quickly to the back of the bus, closing the curtains and the doors as she passed them. They all watched her as she left, then stared at the closed curtain.
After a quiet moment, Eliza said, "That was a lot."
Bonzo nodded in agreement. How are we gonna help her?
Eliza looked to Zed, who opened his mouth to say something. "I…I gotta make a call. I'm gonna do it in the bathroom so don't eavesdrop."
He stood up and nodded, then walked through the curtain, heading to the bathroom.
Sunday, July 28 12:33pm PST
Bellevue,Washington
Zed walked into the music room of the bus, where Addison was sitting at the keyboard, headphones over her ears. She looked up at him and pulled the headphones down around her neck.
"Zed? I-Sorry I never went back out there. I-I got into the song I was working on and…"
"I'm not upset or anything," Zed said. "I just wanted to check on you. It's nearly lunchtime. Are you hungry?"
"I think you know my answer."
Zed laughed a little. "You gonna pretend to eat at least? Like at breakfast?"
Addison shook her head. "Songwriting. You know how it goes."
"Yeah, I do," Zed said. "Do you mind if I stay? I've been kinda hiding from them for the past…hours."
"Have a seat. Just don't judge anything you hear." Zed sat down in a chair next to her. "Um, I also wanted to make sure you knew that the sex wasn't just what I said it was."
"Addison, I'm not stupid. You were drunk and emotional, I know what was happening."
"Then…then why did you let it happen?"
"I…This may sound stupid or bad but I just wanted a chance with you. Any chance I could get. I just wanted one chance with you, no matter what."
"I feel like I should be a little upset at that," Addison said. "But you're cute when you're desperate."
Zed laughed a little. "Can I get a kiss?"
Addison smiled and wrapped an arm around his neck, planting a kiss on his lips. Zed smiled and pulled his lips back. "Can I ask what you thought about last night?" he whispered.
"All I'll say is that I was so glad I wasn't drunk."
Zed let out a breath. "I was a little worried, you know? You're so amazing and beautiful and sweet and I didn't want to lose you because I love you."
"Don't worry, I'm all yours," Addison said with a smile. "Someone made sure of that."
Zed chuckled and gave her a peck. "I was just following orders. I mean, I could do more if you'd like."
"More?"
Zed leaned into her ear and whispered to her, making her laugh and blush. "Okay, more sounds really nice," she agreed. "But I just got really into this song."
"Oh, you think I can't wait until we're at the hotel? The real questions is if you can."
Addison laughed and pulled away from him. "You rock Zed. I'm gonna finish this. I'm in the creative zone. I've cranked out a whole emotional song. It's just getting touches and I really like it. I think it really shows how I've been feeling."
"Knowing you and your skills, it'll be great," Zed said. "Also, you reminded me of why I came in here originally."
"Oh?"
"I wanted to see if you wanted to try therapy."
Addison raised an eyebrow at him. "Isn't therapy for crazy people? Do you think I'm insane?"
"Therapy isn't for 'crazy people', it's for people who need help. I have to go to therapy. I didn't get a choice but I'm not upset about it."
"Why are you in therapy?"
"Because of what happened with Lucy. I have to do three months with Dr. Erin, then it's her call on where to go from there. The point is that she said she can recommend you to someone, if you want. You don't have to go but it could help to get it all out. It helps me but everyone's different."
"Oh. Um, okay. Not okay to therapy. I'll…I'll think about it."
"Okay. I just want what's best for you, so if you don't think you wanna go, you don't have to. But trust me, it feels really good to go and have someone to talk to and hear what they think. Bonzo is always nice and Eliza is Eliza. But hearing what Dr. Erin has to say just…it just makes me feel a lot lighter, if that makes sense."
Addison nodded but furrowed her brows. "Um, when do you go to therapy?"
"She works around our tour schedule. Video call twice a week." Zed shrugged.
"Okay. I'm gonna go back to music now."
Zed nodded. "I'll leave you to it." He stood up, then kissed the top of her head. "I'll bring you some lunch, okay? You gotta eat something."
Addison smiled at him, nodded, then watched him as he left. She hadn't even pulled her headphones back on before Zed came back. She opened her mouth to ask what he was doing, but Zed took her jaw in his hands and gave her a deep kiss. Addison let her hands fall from the headphones and laced them in his hair.
Zed pulled back, a little out of breath. "I just want you to know I'm really happy you're still here."
Addison gave him a breathless smile. "I am too."