Nausea. Headache. Pain.

Even breathing was difficult as the world was spinning around him with crazy speed. Killua was lying on his stomach, holding onto the bed, trying to keep himself secure. It was like the ceiling could collapse and bury him any time.

And he would've welcomed it gladly.

He messed up.

Everything was ruined.

He wished he could've stopped the world and get out, escape somewhere far away, where no one knew him. Like that all this mess he was in wouldn't be able to catch up to him.

His instinct told him if he just turns around Palm would be there and she would help him. It seemed impossible, still, ignoring the raising nausea he shifted and indeed, Palm was there. She stood in front of the bed looking at him with an unreadable expression. She stepped closer and a flashing light guided Killua's attention to her sides. She held a kitchen knife in her right hand, the dim light of the room reflecting from its blade. Palm took another step, making her way to where Killua lay, slowly raising the knife in the air. Killua had no chance to jump up and run away, his limbs felt numb and he was still dizzy, all he could do was stare up at her as she stood right in front of him, looking back at him with the same expression.

Her arm swung forward, knife striking down like lightning.

"You failed."

He jolted awake. The dull pain from the dream still coursing through his body, it took him a few moments to calm his breathing and collect himself enough to sit up. He shivered immediatelly, his sleeping shirt was damp with cold sweat, sticking to his skin. Carefully he climbed out of his bed to change into dry pyjamas, trying to be as silent as possible – if his cat notices that he's awake he is going to pester him to give him food. Drying himself off he fumbled on the nightstand in search for his phone, almost knocking over the lamp in the process. The sudden flash of the screen made him blink rapidly, the light hurt his eyes.

.

It was 4 AM.

With a heavy sigh he slumped into his bed and crawled back under the blankets.

He was nervous. No, scratch that. He was afraid, hence the nightmare. He often dreamed of that night when he felt uneasy and he knew it was stupid. All of this was stupid. Palm would never want to stab him (except that one time, but that was different), the last time they met she pulled him into a warm hug. It was kind of embarrassing, but it also felt right. Not to mention he didn't fail – well he did, but thanks to Palm he stood up and kept fighting and here he was, fretting over nothing.

Though it wasn't actually nothing, but it wasn't worth having nightmares because of it. Meeting up with Gon and going to the cinema shouldn't cause him anxiety. He knew. But it did. It was the first time they met outside of school since his visit at Gon's and now things were different. Something changed in Gon's behaviour towards him and he knew what caused it. It was hard to pinpoint that change, but it was there in their conversations, how Gon avoided certain topics, how he tried to be less loud, not shouting his name when they spotted each other and so on.

Then there was the look. They did sneak glances at each other from the very beginning and that was somehow okay. He found, he couldn't stop looking at Gon, the guy was too radiant with his huge, sunny smiles and shining eyes, his matured features mixed with childlike enthusiasm. He never thought he could meet someone who's still excited about life at this age. It wasn't surprising that Gon stared at him a lot either, considering Killua was his childhood idol. But the way Gon looked at him changed too, before he stared at Killua like he was something great, now it was more like he was the best thing Gon could imagine. The adoration, the caring in his gaze was too intense for Killua, he had to look away or else he would combust, but his eyes were drawn back to Gon's warm brown eyes every time. And each time their gazes met, Killua felt his chest tighten, his stomach doing awkward backflips.

Besides...

Gon said he didn't know about Killua's past and even if he did bad things it didn't matter to him. Still, thinking back, it was kind of embarrassing, that he behaved so weak in front of Gon just because he was so overwhelmed. He couldn't stop fretting over it: what did Gon think about him? It was possible, that he got curious and did some research on his past, which meant he saw all the nasty things the media told about Killua. Or maybe Gon was so careful, because he assumed Killua was easy to upset?

Or maybe he could just stop overthinking things and get the amount of sleep he needed to function properly, because honestly, all the worrying over things he can't do anything about has made him lose enough sleep already.

5 AM.

He groaned in annoyance, pulling the cover over his head. So much for beauty sleep... not that he wanted to look good in front of Gon, it was more for his own sake, yes. Like, it would be nice if he could look into the mirror without omfg being his first thought after seing his reflection.

He wiggled a bit, getting into a more comfortable pose. If he'd fall asleep now, he could still catch some sleep, so he tried to clear his mind. He felt, he could sleep in anytime now, a content sigh escaping his nostrills, when he heard it.

The sound of tiny paws softly tapping on his door and then a meow, loud and demanding. Gritting his teeth, Killua tried to ignore it, maybe if he pretends to not hear it, his cat would give up – he should've known better though. The tapping stopped after a while, silence settling in, making Killua think finally, when a sudden loud crash resonated through the quietness of his apartment.

"...Fuck..."

He was done with dressing up a long time ago and even though he had still hours till he had to meet up with Gon he just couldn't stay still. He walked in circles in the living room, making little detours to the mirror to check if his outfit was really okay, or if his hair wasn't a mess, and it was ridiculous. He was nervous and it was all ridiculous, because it was just a meeting with Gon, nothing more.

It was a meeting with Gon and it put him on edge.

Strolling towards the mirror he grabbed his eyeliner – it was the only thing he hadn't done yet and he had to focus to not mess it up – a perfect distraction, even if it lasted only for a short while. Maybe it was weird for a guy to wear makeup, but he didn't care about that at all. It started as something silly – Alluka insisting that he should try it too when he bought her her first eyeliner in secret and they were both pleasantly surprised with the result of this suggestion. It seemed to piss off their parents to no end and since Killua was still a rebellious little punk (old habits die hard, no?) it was a great but also very harmless way to annoy them some more. Not to mention he totally rocked it.

After finishing his makeup he was left with nothing to do again and his restlessness returned immediately. Walking around in circles made him dizzy so he flopped down into the couch, his cat climbed up onto his stomach right away. The soft purring helped him calming down a bit, he scratched his cat behind his ear lazily.

He knew his nervousness wasn't the usual excited rush one would feel before meeting a friend, it was much more than that and he was afraid to admit it, even to himself. He was old enough to know what the the fluttering in his stomach and the tightness in his chest meant, and it made everything much more complicated, than it already was. Letting Gon get closer to him was already quite daring of him, God knows what could lie behind those naive smiles. He could make Killua believe that he is kind and trustworthy, only to attack him when Killua doesn't expect it at all. It could happen, as it had happened to him before too, still, it was hard to imagine that Gon Freecss would betray him. He wanted to believe that Gon wasn't such a good actor to be able to fake those affectionate looks and sweet smiles, he really, honestly wanted to do so. Speaking of those smiles... but no, he wasn't going to think about them. He wasn't going to think about them because it was only his mind playing mean pranks on him, telling to much into Gon's kindness.

He let out a low groan, he was thinking about unecessary things again. Walking around in the room as distraction wasn't an option anymore since his cat occupied his stomach and that little shit slept so soundly, that he felt bad to wake him up. Driven by a sudden idea, he grabbed his phone from the coffee table and dialed, speaking as soon as the other picked up.

"Yo, I dreamed that you wanted to stab me. Is it just me, or do you have deja vu too?"

"Good afternoon to you too," Palm answered in a rather icy tone. "Do you have something to say, or are you just being a brat again?"

"What do you mean again?" Killua asked feigning being hurt. "Are you saying I'm acting like a brat?"

"More often than necessary, if you ask me,"

"Oh my god, Palm, you're hurting my feelings!" He said in a dramatic voice. "I'm going to hang up if you keep being like that!"

"Killua..."

"Oh, come on, what's with the resigned tone? You know that I was just kidding. You're totally not a bully, you'd never want to stab anyone with a kitchen knife... Oh wait, you'd actually do that! Aw snap, what should I do now?"

He heard an exasperated sigh from the other end of the line.

"Look, I have things to do, so if you don't have anything important to say then I'm going to hang up," she said sounding tired and suddenly Killua thought it was a bad idea to call her.

"Yeah, okay, I'm sorry..." he mumbled, not being able to hide the disappointment from his voice. "I didn't know I bothered you, so I'm hanging up..."

"Okay, wait, wait wait wait!" She cut him off, sounding a bit paniced. "It's not like I don't want to talk to you, you know? But unfortunatelly I have this paper due Monday, and I really should be working on it..."

"OK, bye..."

"Don't you dare to hang up now!" Her voice sounded so sharp it hurt Killua's ears. "Do you want to talk about something? Because if yes, we can do that, it's no problem."

"And what about your paper?"

"Do you want me to repeat myself?" The irritation was back in her voice. "If you want to talk, then we can talk, just tell me already!"

Her words were followed by stubborn silence.

"So there is something..." she concluded with a sigh. "Seriously Killua, you could've just told me! How should I know if you're acting so bratty and not telling me what's up? You're so awkward, it's almost embarrassing..."

"Shut up!" He growled into the phone, cheeks turning pink. He was glad she couldn't see his pout, because she would've made fun of it for sure.

"You only act like this when you're nervous, so what's bothering you?" She asked, ignoring his grumbling. It was impressive and a bit frustrating how well she could read him. "Do you have a test coming up? No, I don't think you'd get so anxious about that, you're smart after all, it must be something else, hmmm..."

Killua just lay there in silence while Palm listed up several reasons, he wasn't going to say it out loud, he wasn't going to admit it.

"...or could it be... are you in love?" It sounded like she was joking, but when she heard Killua's breath hitching, she gasped. "Oh my god, who is it? Are you going on a date?"

"I'M NOT!" He shrieked into the phone, his cheeks burning. He ignored both Palm's complaints and his cat's disapproving glare for being so loud, he felt like his heart could jump out of his chest. "I'm not in love okay?" He repeated in a softer but still defensive tone. "And it's not a date. It's just a... meetup."

"Mhmmm," Palm hummed, and Killua could tell that she didn't buy it. "But you're still meeting up with someone, right? Is it Gon?"

Killua wanted to kick himself for not being able to shut his mouth. He stayed silent, but that was all Palm needed as confirmation.

"And what are you two going to do?" Her tone was polite, but Killua could guess she was smiling.

"We'll go to the cinema and... have dinner... afterwards," the end of the sentence came out as a mumble, but Palm could still hear it.

"This sounds like a date, just saying," Palm pointed out matter of factly. "Man, I'm jealous... I looked this Gon up on iWiW, and he's a real hottie, you're lucky!"

"Palm!" He cried out, covering his face with his free hand (and trying to ignore the small sting of jealousy he felt after hearing her opinion of Gon).

"You're not the only one who's allowed to be annoying, you know."

"Is this payback for before?"

"Maybe," Killua could almost see the devilish smile spreading on her face and he tsked. "Anyway, I don't remember hearing about this last weekend..."

"He asked me on Wednesday."

"Awwww," she cooed, and Killua really considered hanging up. As if sensing his irritation she cleared her throat and went on: "so, are you really nervous because of this?"

"I can't help it!" Killua huffed in frustration. "I know it's stupid, but I just can't help it..."

"Are you affraid, that he'll hurt you?" Her tone was now serious, there was no hint of the previous joking. When only silence was following her question, she sighed. "Killua... you can't always worry over this! You're never going to make friends if you hide behind a wall! You should trust people more!"

"This isn't so easy, and you know that too!" He automatically hugged his chest with one arm.

"I know," Palm sighed again, "but you should still try it! Not to mention this Gon doesn't look like the type who'd intentionally hurt you."

"I'd like to believe that too..."

"What stops you then? Seriously Killua, I don't understand you! You look so different when you talk about him, you look so... happy. Like you're having fun when you're with him!"

"Do I?" The question tumbling off his lips, voice quivering. He never noticed that, and it made the tightness in his chest worse.

"You do! And I'm so glad to see that after all what happened! And not just me! Ikalgo is also happy to see you smiling again." She took a shaky breath, waiting a bit for her voice get stable, "I know it's hard, but you deserve to be happy, you know?"

"...Yeah..." He breathed out, trying to will away the tears that treatened to ruin his makeup.

"Have fun then!" She tried to make her voice lighter, but failed terribly, a sniffle following her sentence. "And tell me about it later!"

"Got it!" Killua smiled, his hand returning to pet his cat.

After ending the call he dropped the phone from his ear with a heavy sigh. He probably had to remake his eyes, but that could wait.

First, he needed nicotine.

Gon was already there, standing in front of the cinema, his eyes scanning the crowd for Killua. His whole face lit up when he finally spotted his friend, a huge grin spreading on his face. Killua was already out of breath because of having to hurry, and this certainly didn't help him regulating his breathing.

"Sorry, did I make you wait?" He asked the dark haired young man once he composed himself.

"No, it's fine!" Gon waved a hand, "I got here a bit too early I guess..." his smile was sheepish, and the little blush that appeared on his face didn't go unnoticed either.

"A-ah..." Was all Killua could offer and he felt like an idiot. Very smooth, Zoldyck... Clearing his throat he tried again: "sorry, I wanted to come earlier, but Mr. Pants stole my carkeys and..."

"Mr. Pants?" Gon cut him off in confusion and Killua felt himself blush this time.

"My cat," he explained, but he couldn't get further, because Gon interrupted him again.

"You call your cat Mr. Pants?"

"W-well," Killua felt himself get defensive, "his full name is Mr. Fluffy Pants, but it's too long so I just call him Mr. Pants," Gon looked at him with raised eyebrows as if he couldn't decide whether he should laugh or not. "I think it's a cool name, because his fur looks like he's wearing pants, you know? But Alluka said it was stupid, and that I should call him Fluffy instead, but that sounds so lame, so we ended up fighting and..."

His words were interrupted by Gon's laughter – the other clutched his sides and tears were forming in the corner in his eyes. Killua really regretted he wasn't able to vanish into thin air.

"Yeah, okay, laugh at me as much as you want..." he grumbled, turning away from his laughing friend.

"Sorry..." Gon wheezed, still grabbing at his sides. Taking a deep breath he straightened and flashed an apologetic smile at Killua. "It's a cool name! I'd really like to see him some time!"

"Well..." Killua hummed, placing a finger on his chin as if contemplating Gon's request, "I could invite you over..." he said, the instant happiness flashing in the other's eyes making him smile, "...but only if you won't laugh at me anymore!"

"Awww..." Gon whined, what earned him a playful punch in his shoulder.

"Stop being so indignant, it's a fair condition!" Killua pointed out, but he couldn't stop himself from grinning. He bumped his shoulder into Gon's. "Let's go already, I'm freazing!"

"Yeah!" Gon grinned as well, returning the bump.

Looking at Gon's strong back as they got into the line he had to admit, Palm was right. He certainly had fun with Gon and it was stupid to worry over things that haven't even happened yet. Right now, he would enjoy himself.

Right now, it was just him and Gon.

A/N: Here we are, another chapter done, yay! Being on vacation is certainly good when you want to write!

I wanted to write more into this chapter, but it would've turned out too long, and I wanted to avoid that. There's always a jumble of ideas in my head when I start writing a chapter but I end up writing only parts of what I originally planned, ORZ

But I love writing Killua and Palm interacting, they're such BFF's *-* (also, if anyone's wondering, iWiW was the hungarian version of Facebook. The site got closed a few years ago, after FB got more popular in the country. )

Good advice: don't ignore your cat when she's hungry. You can't win.

Thank you again for reading, I hope you liked the chapter!

EDIT (12.13.): This story will go on a short hiatus until January. There are just a few stressing things going on in my life and I can't focus on writing, as much as I'd like to. Don't worry though, I'm not going to abandon this story because I really love it, I'm just collecting my thoughts (and my life orz) so I won't ruin this fic with crappy updates.
I'm sorry for this, and thank you for understanding!
See you in January!