A/N: I'm officially back in business! I've created a rough mental outline of the whole fic and estimated that it will be about 10 – 15 chapters long, however this is just a rough estimate as these things often seem to have a mind of their own regardless of what the author seems to think :). I feel like this is a kind of filler chapter, an important one as it sets up for the next chapter but a filler no less.

(I feel like there are a lot of typos and grammar mistakes in this chapter but that might just be me being paranoid please inform me if you spot any, thanks)

It was just over a week since Piper had left the hospital and Alex could already sense a pattern developing. She would wake up from an uneasy sleep - with the lights on, and send Piper a short good morning text before walking to work. Her usually peaceful walk would be filled with nervous backward glances and agitation. At work she would almost obsessively stare at the clock counting down the minutes until she could leave. All the while wondering whether or not she should call Piper or give her some space. It was a consistent pattern that almost bordered on becoming a ritual.

Today was no different, Alex was standing at a table shifting from foot to foot waiting impatiently for a family to settle their rowdy children and place an order. The parents were arrogant condescending jerks and the children were sickeningly spoilt. Usually Alex would just roll her eyes and brush it off but lately she's found herself to be irritable and ill tempered. Yesterday night her cell phone had gotten the brunt of her wrath when she hurled it against a wall after it had died on her during a long awaited conversation with Piper, of course she had quickly and regretfully put the pieces back together as it was the only way she could contact Piper as visits to the Chapman's residency had been limited to weekends due to Alex's demanding work schedule. It was completely unlike Alex to express her anger in such a physical manner, that was more Piper's thing, Alex was usually was cool and collected.

"Should I come back later?" she asked not even bothering to mask her annoyance.

"Just wait a minute" waved the mother nonchalantly, Alex clenched her jaw as if that wasn't what she had been doing for the past 15 minutes. Her green eyes flicked up to the clock, she would be on lunch break soon and would be able to call Piper. She had been to visit her a second time a few days ago, Carol had been out shopping and Bill wasn't around so the couple pretty much had all the time for themselves, when Alex had inquired about Bill's absence Piper had merely shrugged and simply replied that her father didn't like seeing her like this. Alex however could see past Pipers feigned casualness and saw that she was upset by it.

"I'm sorry are we keeping you from something?" asked the father rudely

Alex fixed him with a glare "Actually, yes you are" she began untying her apron "So, I'm going to go on my break and if you happen to be ready in an hours' time I'll be back"

She began walking off hearing an outraged scoff and an indignant "I want to speak to the manager!" from behind.

She had gotten off with an warning from her boss, she could tell that the man was losing his patience with her and so had vowed to keep her newly found temper in check. She couldn't afford to annoy her boss what with her already being grilled for lateness and mixing up orders twice this week. She couldn't lose this job but she found it increasingly difficult to focus on anything other than Piper and her growing anger.

Alex tucked her feet underneath herself on the sofa and dialled one of the very few numbers she knew off by heart.

The call was answered almost immediately "Hello" it was Pipers voice and as usual it cast a smile on her face "Hey, are you busy?" please don't be busy

"No, I just finished reading a novel"

Lately Alex had found Piper to be reading a lot more than usual, she suspected it was the blondes way of keeping busy and blocking everything else out "Yeah, what was it?"

"Mrs Dalloway, it's by Virginia Woolf"

"What's it about?" asked Alex knowing how invested Piper could get in explaining plots and subplots in novels

"It's about this woman called Clarissa Dalloway, its set during post-First World War England, it's really good you'd probably like it. So it starts with her getting ready to host a party and…"

Alex allows Piper to ramble on excitedly about this novel, somewhere along the line Alex stops listening to what Piper's saying and focuses on tone of her voice, the way it rises in pitch and speeds up when she talks about a particular part she liked, the way it becomes lower when she talks about the emotional parts.

"Then Septimus commits suicide" that snaps Alex back into reality

"Wait what?!"

"He jumps out a window"

Alex frowns "That's a bit dark Piper"

She can imagine Piper rolling her eyes "Well the best novels are Alex, they challenge social taboos with their content"

Alex wants to get her mind off of traumatised soldiers committing suicide, like right now so as per usual she asks Piper the question she always asks during their calls.

"How are you doing?"

Her response is short and sharp "Ok"

"Ok?" Piper can easily talk about her mother's cooking, or a novel for hours on end but as soon as the subject changes to how she is doing or anything even distantly related to that night she shuts down and it scares Alex.

The line is silent for a few moments before Piper speaks again "My mom hired a counsellor"

Usually Alex would groan at Carol's predictableness and disregard of what Piper wants but this time she silently thanks her for it. "Is that what you want?"

"Not at first" she says slowly "but.. I mean I did a couple of trial sessions with William and he's pretty good"

William,

She knows that she should be happy, she should overjoyed that her girlfriend has someone to talk to, a professional who can help her. However, a small part of her feels jealous, she feels hurt that Piper feels that she can confide in William a stranger who she just met rather than her own girlfriend. Another part of her hates herself for her jealousy, she shouldn't care who Piper confides in as long as it helps her, she has no grounds to feel jealous especially when she was keeping her own problems from Piper.

"Alex?" Piper's voice is unsure

Alex knows it's cowardly but she changes the subject "I miss you"

"I miss you too" more silence, then a strangely determined "I want to tell them Al"

"What?"

"I want to tell my parents about us"

"Don't" she realises how that might sound so quickly adds "just wait a bit"

"What, why?" She can almost see the small crease in Piper's brow

Because I don't want them to stop me seeing you "Because I don't want to make things harder for you at home, but soon ok, I'll even tell them with you"

Her explanation seems to satisfy Piper "Ok"

Alex hears noises in the background of the other line, she knows Piper will tell her that she has to go "I love you" she says wanting to be the one to end the call, it gives her the illusion of control

"I love you too" comes the quiet reply before Alex reluctantly ends the call

She feels guilty at all the things she's keeping from Piper the things that she wishes she could tell her but can't bring herself to, years of keeping things to herself and closing herself off was hard to undo.

She puts her hand on the sofa intending to push herself off when her hand suddenly collides with a hard object. She grabs the object and pulls it out revealing a cassette tape.

"I have something for you it's a non-birthday gift" Alex has her hands behind her back hiding the gift from her girlfriends view.

"Okay" says Piper amused

Alex gently opens up Piper's hand and sets the tape in her palm "Here"

Piper looks at the tape turning it over in her hand "What is this? Is this a cassette tape?"

"I made you a mixtape, you know since I'm sure you have enough expensive shiny things but not enough genuine things" Piper is still looking at the tape silently and Alex suddenly feels nervous so attempts to inject some humour into the moment "and of course I'm sure your taste in music is restricted to the top 40 which just cannot do if you are to continue being my girlfriend"

Piper smiles and shoves her playfully "It's different, I like it. you wrote the songs on the side, let me see" she holds the tape at an awkward angle to read the words scrawled on the side "Um Okay, Only You Yaz, You Wouldn't Like Me Tegan and Sara, The Pussy is Mine Miguel"

Alex laughs "Miguel"

"This is so nice, and so gay" She has a wide smile on her face

"I know"

"Thank you"

Alex clutches the tape with wet eyes before carefully getting up and placing it on her bedside table. She hasn't cried since it happened, she'd forced herself not to telling herself that she had to keep it together for Piper. But now she can feel herself slowly falling apart, the jagged pieces of herself slowly separating. She quickly walks to her front door and puts on a coat, it's late but she knows what will help, what she needs. She's been trying to compress everything, trying to squeeze it all down in the hopes that it would disappear but instead it had just sprung back up like some sort of vengeful Jack in the box. Alex gave a quick glance over her shoulder as she walked down the street, she really needed to shake that habit. It made people suspicious and most likely drew more attention to herself, the exact opposite of what she wanted. She could soon see her destination in the distance lit up and inviting.

Alex pushed opened the doors to the liquor store and immediately began picking up packs of beer and bottles of various types of alcohol. Piper had William and she had alcohol, alcohol which was much cheaper and whose effect was instant.

"You having a party or something?" asked an amused voice

Alex looked up in the direction of the voice, it had come from the cashier, a young black woman with short hair and whoose name tag read Poussey

"Or something" said Alex gruffly not in the mood for conversation

"'ight" she said defensively before loading the bottles into paper bags

Alex expertly unscrewed a bottle of wine and took a long drag, the almost constant feeling irritation and anxiousness leaving her. Half a bottle later she was slumped on the sofa reveling in the warm alcohol blanket she was currently wrapped in. Her mind suddenly went to Piper and what she would think if she saw her like this, pathetically trying to smother her problems with alcohol. Alex took another drag, it didn't matter because Piper wasn't here, she was miles away with her parents and William who was there for her when she wasn't. She had no right to feel jealous, had she forgotten that it was her fault that they were in this whole mess to begin with. Alex drunkenly sat up, as the thought hit her again. It was her fault.

The alcohol wasn't working it wasn't numbing anything, if anything it was making things worse her mind was straying into places she didn't want it to and she unable to control where it landed.

She had enraged the man.

"How old are you?"

"30? 35? You come here often begging college kids to sleep with your sorry ass?"

"I may be a 'dyke' but guess what punk she loves it, girls love it. Not losers like you at seedy bars"

"Oh! I get it now it all makes sense, it must be pretty frustrating being in the closet"

She had gotten him mad, if they had just left like Piper had asked, had pleaded with her to do then maybe just maybe they would be fine now. Maybe Piper would be in the kitchen trying and failing to cook pancakes, maybe Alex would be laughing at her, Maybe Piper would have thrown the batter at her, maybe it would have resulted in an all-out batter war, and maybe she would have spent the next hour or so licking it off.

Maybe,

Maybe,

Maybe,

But Alex couldn't do anything with maybes.

She picked up the half empty bottle intending to down it all, if getting slightly drunk wasn't tuning everything down then she would just have to block it all out.

It was just over a week after everything had happened and Alex could already sense a pattern beginning.