CHAPTER 12 OF HOPELESS KINGDOM (this picks up right in the middle of the scene, so you might need to go back to chapter 11 of HK to remember what exactly was going on)

He said, "Darling, who you praying to? Was anybody answering you? Because I've done my part for twelve years now and I can't seem to get through." He said, I really don't care if you cut your hair and I really wouldn't mind if we don't go anywhere 'cause I've got you, yeah, I've got you now. I've got you. ~ Halsey, Garden

..Sick..

Tears glistened in her eyes. I wanted to comfort her, wanted to tell her everything would be all right. I couldn't touch her though, I didn't know where she was still in pain.

"You don't understand," Bella whispered through the tears.

"Then help me understand, Bella," I begged.

She wiped away her tears and sniffled. She looked so lost and scared. Fuck, what I would do to make all of that go away.

"Edward, I – I was pregnant."

Pregnant.

With child.

My child.

It certainly wasn't planned. I had always wanted to put off children as long as possible. I was never overly excited about having a snot-nosed kid running around, distracting me from other things. But if this was the biggest issue weighing on Bella's mind, it was manageable.

I gave her what I hoped was a comforting smile.

"I was pregnant. I – I didn't know. After the, um, shooting the doctor told me there was just too much trauma to my body. I lost it during the surgery."

Was. My face dropped, picturing Bella lying on a hospital bed while a doctor tells her she lost a child, imagining her going through that all alone.

I tried to reach for her, but she stopped me. "Wait. I have to get it all out, okay?" I nodded. "There was a lot of damage to my abdomen I guess, and there were some complications during surgery. I, uh, I won't be able to have children. Ever."

I stared at her for a moment, unable to form a coherent thought. My head dropped into her lap and all I could do was apologize, over and over.

For loving her too much to let her go.

For being the reason she was targeted.

For leaving her to deal with this on her own.

Bella's hands ran through my hair, but I didn't deserve the comfort. I should be comforting her.

I got to my feet and pulled Bella with me, as carefully as I could. I cupped her cheek, noting that her cheekbones were sticking out a bit more than usual. She had dark circles under her eyes and her entire body seemed ready to collapse.

"You're tired."

Bella nodded and let me lead her to bed. It didn't take long for her to fall asleep, it looked like she hadn't slept in days.

I watched her sleep for hours. A list started forming in my mind of all the horrible things that had happened to her since she had the unfortunate fate of sitting at our table that night. Collapsed from exhaustion after she found out about who I really was. Forced to deal with my life of crime. Nearly assassinated. Lost a child. The possibility of her own biological children ripped away from her.

I should have left her a long time ago. I should have headed Carlisle's warning and given her up.

My list of reasons to stay was shorter than my first, but much more meaningful. I love her.

..Sick..

"Hey, sleepy," I whispered to Bella as she started to stir. She looked at me with her wide doe eyes, seemingly shocked to see me here.

"You're…still here."

"Of course. I meant everything I said, Bella. We're going to figure this out."

"I don't know much about your… job. But isn't lineage kind of important to you?"

It was. Incredibly important. But there had been instances of bosses who couldn't conceive. Emmett could just as easily provide the heir, even though he would never be the boss. That was for me.

"It doesn't matter." I shrugged. Bella looked adorably confused. I leaned over and pressed a soft kiss to her forehead.

"It should. I can't – "

"I know. And you'll never know how sorry I am for everything that has happened to you in the last month. The pain you're in from the shooting… the consequences you have to suffer because of it. Abandoning you during that time is unforgivable."

I would spend the rest of my life trying to make up for it, but it would never be enough. The image of her submerged in that tub would haunt me every day.

"But give me time, give us time. We can go away while you recover and solidify our relationship, solidify us, before we have to face the real world."

"Time isn't going to change a lot of our issues, Edward."

"Time will change our outlook on our issues, though."

She was coming around, a small smile forming on her lips. "What are we going to do?"

"Whatever you want. We can have our crazy night out in New York City over and over again," I joked. It got her to laugh and it was the most beautiful sound in the world.

"You'll really go away with me?" I asked.

"Yes."

"Bella! Where are you?" Kate's voice shouted from somewhere within the house.

"You need to keep your door locked," I grumbled.

Bella wandered into the bathroom and I saw her fumbling with a sling.

"Need help?"

"Yes, please."

I got the sling from her and frowned at how complicated it was. How was she ever able to put this on alone?

Once we finally had it situated, I looked down at her. She already looked better than she did last night. The dark circles under her eyes were lighter, and her eyes didn't hold as much sadness.

"Can I kiss you?" I asked her, needing it more than anything.

"Please," she sighed.

It was a soft kiss, but the meaning behind it was explosive.

We could do this.

We could survive anything. I would make sure of it.

..Sick..

I parked the car, but Bella was still fast asleep in the passenger seat. I got out of the car and instructed the two men waiting for us to grab her bags from the trunk. Once I had her door open I kneeled next to her.

"Time to wake up, beautiful."

"Mmmm, too tired."

"You'll be more comfortable in bed. Come on," I grabbed her hand and carefully pulled her out of the car. She leaned most of her weight on me, but I didn't mind.

"I haven't been here in a while," Bella mumbled, looking at the elevator. I brought her hand up, brushing my lips along her knuckles.

"Edward, you made it!"

Fuck. The scent of my mother's beef stew wafted around us, and a second later she was right in our faces.

It was Christmas day, but I was pretty sure Bella had no idea. Esme called me one night and asked me if I would be back in town for Christmas. I told her I was getting in late and for them to have our annual family dinner without me. Apparently, she took that to mean she should invade my home and ambush me.

I never mentioned Bella on the call, or the fact that she would be with me.

Esme halted for a moment, seeing Bella next to me. She would never be outright rude to her though, she was nothing if not proper. "Oh, Isabella, it is so nice to see you again. I'm Esme, Edward's mother. I didn't know you'd be here."

I resisted the urge to roll my eyes. Fake, fake, fake.

Esme held her hand out to shake Bella's, and part of me thought it was on purpose, rubbing Bella's injury in her face. "Mother."

"Oh, I'm sorry, dear. Come, come, everyone is already sitting down." Esme rushed back to the kitchen.

"What's going on?" Bella asked me in a whisper.

"I told them not to do this."

"Do what?"

"Christmas dinner. They usually have it at my parents."

"Christmas – it's Christmas?"

I smiled at her adorable confusion. "You can head upstairs, I'll just tell them you were tired after the trip," I told her. I didn't want her near my family, Carlisle especially. Emmett and Jasper knew we were leaving. They probably told Alice and Rosalie, but I still had to have the conversation with Carlisle.

"No, it's okay. Let's go."

Bella was truly polite, too polite for her own good sometimes. She wasn't the kind of polite my mother and sister pretended to be. She never wanted to hurt someone's feelings.

I sat at the head of the table and Bella took a seat next to me. Thankfully Carlisle was on the other side of the long table, as far away as possible from Bella.

"Nice of you to join us, Edward," Carlisle said, the anger evident in his voice.

"Don't start, Carlisle," I told him. I hadn't seen him since he had a gun pointed at Bella. The dinner table was not the time for the conversation I needed to have with him.

"Edward and Isabella made it Carlisle, now let's just enjoy a nice Christmas dinner," Esme said, fake happiness in her voice.

Dinner flowed with Alice and Rosalie monopolizing the conversation about a charity event they were planning. Always with the fucking events. No one asked Bella how she was, no one congratulated her for the various nominations I'm sure they know about.

When dinner was over I asked Carlisle to meet me in my office. I asked Emmett to keep an eye on Bella.

I sat at my desk and Carlisle stood opposite of me.

"I'm leaving."

I had seen my father mad in the past, I had seen him so furious he would kill a man without a second thought, but I had never seen fury like this. Never had so much rage been directed at me.

"For a while, maybe six months," I continued, provoking him.

Carlisle Cullen was a good leader of our family, but he had changed. He was no longer the man he once was. He wasn't the best.

I was.

But I had a girl to take care of before I could take over.

"I'll have internet access, I'll still be able to take care of some things."

I took great pleasure in the obvious pain this was causing him.

I had done whatever he told me my entire life. It suited me then, he was training me. But I didn't need training anymore.

"I'll give control to Emmett," Carlisle sneered at me.

"Emmett could last for a few years maybe, but we both know he's not fit for the long term."

"This girl has – "

I slammed my fists into the desk. "This girl has made me realize my potential. I don't need you anymore, Carlisle. Don't make me take matters into my own hands when I get back."

I could overthrow him. Easily. I had Emmett and Jasper on my side.

I stood, having said all I needed to. I left him in my office and heard the door slam moments after I left.

Carlisle rushed past me down the stairs, the tension evident. Esme followed him to the elevator.

"Think about what you're doing, Edward," he said as the doors closed.

I already had.

"Everyone else needs to leave," I told the rest of my remaining family.

Once they were all gone, Bella came over and grabbed my hand. "Are you okay?"

"I will be in two weeks."

..Sick..

"Why aren't we meeting at your place like usual?" Mike bane-of-my-existence-Newton asked as he sat in a chair in my office at one of the seedy strip clubs I owned downtown.

I used to frequent this establish much more, but I hadn't been here in months. Just walking through the building to get to my office made me uncomfortable when I knew Bella was asleep in my bed at home.

Around me was the same group of men from the night Bella dropped in, minus James of course. Fucker.

"Since when are you so fucking nosey?" I grunted at Mike. "You'll be dealing with Jasper for the foreseeable future. If you have any issues, contact him. Not me."

"Where are you going?"

"Away. Any more idiotic questions, Newton?"

I tossed the cash at them and waited for them to leave.

"You still with that girl, the one that was shot?"

Three seconds later I had Mike against the wall with an arm crushing his neck and the barrel of a gun pressed into his gut.

"No more questions about my girl, do you understand?"

"Fuck, yeah, man. No more questions."

Everyone scattered then.

When I got home at nearly two in the morning, Bella was already asleep. She seemed peaceful, thankfully. More often than not she had a nightmare and woke up in tears.

I sat on the bed next to her and ran a hand through her hair, a little shocked when my fingers didn't trail along inches of soft locks. She cut it.

It fell just at her shoulders now. The short hair made her look older somehow, even though she was asleep. I took a quick shower, getting the stench of the strip club off of my skin before climbing in bed next to Bella.

We just had a week left in Chicago. I was in the process of training staff to do more than they already did, getting Emmett caught up on what he needed to handle most of my business affairs, legal and illegal, and turning over ownership to a few of my smaller businesses to Jasper.

The most time I ever spent with Bella was at night when we were sleeping. I had a lot of shit to get done before we left, but the thought of uninterrupted months with Bella made the work worth it.

..Sick..

"I could get used to this whole private plane thing," Bella said as we walked up the steps to board.

"You're welcome to use it any time," I told her with a smirk.

Bella looked adorable. She was dressed for our long flight in grey sweatpants and a black tank top. I watched as she meticulously packed things to entertain herself; books, movies, blankets, everything had to be accounted for before she could leave.

"How much does one of these go for? Maybe I need my own."

"Why would you need your own when you can use mine?"

"I have my own money, Edward. You don't need to buy me everything."

We got ourselves situated in the plush leather seats.

"I like taking care of you, Bella. Money isn't an issue."

"I could buy a plane if I wanted to," she grumbled.

"I know you could."

"I won't, though." She sighed and leaned back in her seat as we began to take off. "I'm sorry I'm so grumpy all of the time."

"You have a lot of anger to deal with, I understand. I deserve it."

"I'm doing better, I think. I still talk to Zafrina every day on the phone."

In the weeks that followed my return to Bella, things had been very hot and cold. She could be talking with me and laughing one minute, and then giving me the cold shoulder next.

Her therapist, Zafrina, told me it would go on for a while, until she worked through everything that happened. I didn't mind. I had time.

A/N: a bit of a short chapter, but anything else I tried to add kept feeling forced. It was a pretty serious chapter and it didn't feel right adding much more to it. The next chapter is already done and will be up tomorrow night! It's double the length of this one ;)

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