Disclaimer: Don't own of these characters or Title. The characters are Janet's. Thoughts that the song "Don't Blink" by Kenny Chesney brought to mind. Not a song fic.
Don't Blink, Chapter 3
The next time I woke up, things seemed pretty clear. One, I wasn't dead. Two, I was in the hospital. Three, I still had Heaven. Ranger was sitting in a chair pulled up to my bed. He was holding my hand and stroking my hair. His head was propped on his chin, lying close to my ear and I could feel his warm breath on my ear.
I had done a lot of thinking, well maybe not thinking, but something had happened while I was unconscious, because I had clarity. I knew who I was and what I wanted. I needed to set things straight with the people in my life.
I turned my head to look at Ranger; his eyes were closed. He shifted and looked at me. "Hey Babe, how do you feel?"
"Like I was run over by a truck. How about you?" I whispered. I couldn't seem to get enough air to speak louder.
"Like I failed you." I was shocked. I had never known Ranger at admit weakness or failure.
"You have NEVER, in the time that I have known you, failed me." I said looking into his eyes intently, trying to convey how strongly I meant the words, even if my voice sounded weak to my own ears. "But I don't want to talk about tonight, well not what happened with Andrews tonight, not yet anyway." I said. I'm pushing that stuff away until another day.
I took a deep breath, oh my God that hurts. Ranger saw the pain and panic in my eyes and jumped to his feet. "Babe, take it easy." he whispered. "You are really pretty banged up. Just breathe shallow. Why don't we wait to talk about this and you get some rest." His hand resting on my cheek.
I turned my face to press farther into his hand. God, I love the warmth of this man. "Ranger, I've got some things I need to talk to you about. I don't know when I realize it, but I've been a fool. Well, I mean I've thought of myself as a fool lots of times, most of the time if I'm truthful, but I mean a real fool. And you know what else I figured out, that you are a fool, too." I said. I think he was going to stop me before that last statement, now his eyebrows shot up for a moment. Then they softened.
"You're right, Babe. I have been a fool. I was a fool to get you into that situation tonight. I was a fool to not prepare you and train you to protect yourself. I'm sorry. Everything that happened to you tonight was my fault. I don't know if I can ever forgive myself."
I turned my head to stare into his eyes. "That's not what I mean by you being a fool." I said with as much force as my low voice could pull off. "Tonight was no different from any other night we have worked. The potential has been there all along. I don't blame you for anything. This is the risk that goes with the job." I rushed on before he had a chance to tell me I'm wrong. "What I am referring to is that you think you can control everything. You work hard to eliminate any unexpected events in your life. Control is a good thing when you are planning a take down, but you can not expect to control life, Ranger."
"I know that you care for me, but you have tried to keep me pushed away, tried to control how much I care for you. I can see you doing it now. I feel you thinking it. You say that your life doesn't lend itself to relationships. Well, I've got news for you, we have one and so do you and Tank, and Lester, and Bobby and Cal and everyone else you know." I paused to catch my breath. "You want to control your relationships, that is the difference. But you can not control how I feel about you. No more than I can control your reaction to it. But I will not let another minute go by without making sure you know it."
"Babe, please." He said. I don't know what he was worried about more, how hard I was trying to breathe or what I was about to say.
"No, like I said, I can't control your reaction, but I have been a fool and I will not keep what I want and what I feel hidden anymore. I've been scared to ask you for anything because, I figured I already know the answer, well I could have died tonight, for awhile I thought I had and do you know what I felt? Regret. I realized that in the blink of an eye, everything can be gone and it would be absolutely absurd if I died and you didn't know what you mean to me."
"I love you with all of my heart. I trust you without thought. I need to see your smile, hear your voice, and touch your hand, everyday. I want to be with you, love you everyday. I do not need anything more than that. It's okay if you don't love me back, or want the same things that I do. I will live with that, but I know that it's too dangerous to leave these things unsaid."
Ranger looked at me and sadness filled his eyes, here we go, he is going to say it, "Babe, I do love you, but my life is too dangerous, too unconventional, too uncertain to offer you what you need." Shit, I knew it.
"What about Tank, Lester and Bobby? Are they allowed relationships with you because they are better trained to handle it than me?"
"Babe, you know that's not true. They may know details of my life, because they lived them with me, but they do not have a closer relationship with me than you. No one has a closer relationship with me than you. But it can not be the relationship you need. You deserve someone that will be there for you. Someone stable and loyal, willing to make sacrifices for you."
"Ranger, have you looked in the mirror lately. You already do all of that for me. You take responsibility for me and I don't know why? I told God last night that I was stupid the first time around, and I would be better this time. I meant it; I am going to be true to myself, I have started by being honest with myself. I will not be a fool any longer. I also have to be honest with the people around me and as soon as I can, I am setting the record straight with all of them. I'm telling you first because you are the only man I love. I can't make you give me anymore that you want to. I will live with whatever relationship you allow, but I don't want to live without you in my life."
"I know I'm probably not the kind of woman you would think of probably having a relationship with. I'm not well educated, sophisticated, or even beautiful, I feel out of place most of the time. I have a crazy family, live in a run-down apartment. I don't have a financial plan for anything more than paying my rent next month. My god, I have people placing bets on the next time my car will blow up. But I love you and I trust you and I will accept whatever part of you I can have. If everything stays the same between us, okay, I'm not afraid anymore."
He had a pained look on his normally blank face. I didn't want to make his life more difficult and he had to make up his own mind. I had only told him the truth.
"Ranger, I didn't tell you I love you to change your mind. I told you because I had to, because I wanted you to know. You can do whatever you want to, it will be okay, but Ranger, don't blink."
He just looked at me stunned.
A/N Thank you for the reviews. I really appreciate them; I'm new to this and very unsure of how I'm doing or even where I'm going. Let me know what you think and where you want to go next….