Chapter 4

I wake slowly this time, the machine is breathing for me, and realise I have no strength.

I sense her sadness all around me. Feel her hand on mine, the gentle tingle and strength of our connection.

I move my fingers to tell her I am awake.

She takes my hand gently brushing it against her cheek. It's wet from tears.

I know this is the end. There is no coming back for me.

I look deep into her eyes and see the sadness that mirrors mine. I feel her love in me and know she has mine.

Too late we understand and accept each other's complete love.

I must travel without her - my Soulmate.

She must carry on without me - her Soulmate.

I know I will be with her always - through her memories, in her dreams and at sunset.

For a moment everything disappears and I can see her sitting under the palm tree on the beach outside my house that first sunset our paths unknowingly crossed. I felt her presence and looking back saw her from the distance not knowing what that feeling was … now I do completely.

Tyus' voice is clear but again sadness is there and draws me back to now.

He takes Meg's place and beside him is a machine with keys for me to press. His words drift but I understand they need to know my Will and acceptance of a new heart should someone else died before me.

I feel no pain just tiredness and my thoughts are clear. If I can live because another's death then yes I will take that gift with love and thanks.

I am desperate to say the words I can only hear in my head and hope she understands them in my eyes so I write them first. "Meg I love you now and forever."

She smiles it's so beautiful, then mouths the words 'I love you too' back to me.

I gather up my strength and press the right keys then sign the paper of acceptance.

She sits with me again while Tyus explains me why I am leaving. Why I have no strength. …. Dampness and too many days left without food and water. I was so close to death when they found me. They managed to right everything but then the strain proved too much for my heart.

Strange there is no anger only deep regret that I cannot talk to them.

My anger died when HE left me in that dark basement. Before I had tried to escape and had hope. When HE left me for the last time I knew there was to be no escape.

For all HE has done to me and the ones I love, I cannot hate HIM. HE is part of me, and I was no angel.

I must know what has happened to them.

My next words on the machine - Maria, Benjy? - bring an uneasy silence in the quiet room.

I see the looks between my three guardians; Meg, Tyus and Casey. I know they are shielding me - a lot of things are not said. I know they care for me.

They say Maria and Benjy are all right but they don't come to see me.

Frustration and fear wash over me.

I hit the keys with all my strength - I NEED TO KNOW.

Meg nods but is quiet for a while then kisses my fingers and put my hand to her cheek again, I know her words are going to hurt I see it in her face, feel it in her touch.

Her words are hesitant when they come. "Maria left with Derek and Benjy they went willingly. Sweetheart... Benjy is theirs. She made love to Derek not knowing who he was the first time. But the other times she knew and stayed with him. She realised Derek had returned to Sunset Beach from Seattle and drove to warn you and stop him. She knew a phone call would not do. She really lost her memory both times. Derek pretended to Tess that they would meet up after he got the money and would leave Maria but he didn't. She waited then realised Derek had used her and never meant to meet her and rang Ricardo giving the address to find you. Ricardo is hunting them now."

The words hit like daggers piercing me. Pain of deceit, betrayal and a son who is not mine. My love of a son clouded my judgement, as they knew it would. I grieve for my loss and wish his son love and happiness. I should have known … HE always took things away from me.

Darkness comes suddenly, alarms sound and Tyus works quickly.

I rise from the darkness like a fountain from a lake. Knowing what I have to do. With her help I write a simple Will - leaving everything I own to her, with her family's and Casey's care. She gasps but accepts it. I know they will take care of my friends and guard my adopted family of Sunset Beach well.

I also know they have to find HIM first to get my fortune back, perhaps they will. I know Ricardo is stubborn enough to. Even if Maria is his sister.

I rest, then add a line to make her my next of kin giving her the right to say the final farewell. She shakes her head, tears flowing freely now, so I add another name knowing he will have the strength to do what is right. She smiles tearfully and nods her agreement.

The words stand out from the page 'I make Hank Cummings my next of kin and allow him to make the final decision. Signed Ben Evans and witnessed by Tyus and Casey.'

I finally accept what must come and write 'Father Antonio'.

Meg leaves Tyus to answer, his words are gentle "Antonio gave you the last rites when you arrived the first time we nearly lost you. I will ask him to come again if you wish. He's outside with the rest."

I can see it will only give her pain and I can do nothing but listen to his words and I know he will pray for me with the others.

I write "No but thank him for his support and prays."

Tyus asks if friends can see me. I know I am selfish and I type.

'No. Thank them for their kindness and love. Only Meg and Casey.'

I want my last time to be with her and her alone, and she needs his support. I see Tyus understands. I know Meg's parents will stay nearby; she will be safe in their love when the time comes.

oxoxo

When she needs a break Casey comes and sits talks to me of our past and his new found love for Sara. There is no embarrassment between us, our deep solid friendship is there again.

Meg returns they sit and chat about memories so I can just listen. She plays our favourite CD and memories of us together come and I drift into half darkness. Then she sits in silence and holds my hand, her touch is enough.

When I wake I watch her all I can especially when she slips into sleep. Her beauty stays with me when I drift again.

Her voice breaks into my dreams, I miss some, then I recognise the words she is speaking, they drop into the back ground as I am thrown back to when she stood next to me at the altar in the Mission. We are listening to her mother reading the words with all the feeling of a mother's love, respect and hope for her daughter's marriage and future.

Keeping the thread of the words being spoken and the sound of her voice with me I flash back, for a moment - she is in her wedding dress, with her father, both walking towards me and I feel that my love for her is going to knock me out. There is the distraction of a door moving for a second, but then we lock eyes again and everything disappears … we are together beaten the odds. Through the haze I hear her father as he hands her to me. Meg and I hold hands looking at each other and nothing else matters we are in our own world. I can feel her connection rushing round inside of me and hope she can feel mine through her. Antonio's cough brings us back to the service...

I am back again listening to the words not only hearing Joan's voice but Meg's they are both filled with all the love and understanding anyone can carry for one another.

"…I put away childish things. So faith, hope, love abide these three, but the greatest of these is love."

I open my eyes and watch her as she puts her rings in my hand and gently guides them so I put them on her finger.

Our connection is warm and constant. Her face is damp with tears but she smiles and speaks "I'm sorry for the times I ran back to Mum and Dad, for the mistakes we both made. Too late I know I love you with all my soul and heart. When we part I will remember you with happiness, you've given me so much strength. I will cry and be sad for a long time but family and friends will be there for me. It's you I worry about, who's going to be there for you. Perhaps you already know you've been so close and we have brought you back. Will you be safe for me?"

I remember the deep warmth of the darkness that awaits me and squeeze her hand as 'yes'.

I don't fear it, it's her loss I fear.

I feel stronger and raise my hand to her face; brushing it lightly. She smiles and kisses my hand.

I wish with all my heart that I could kiss or call her name. For now our connection says everything we feel for each other and that is enough.