Chapter 4: Here for You Now
Dr. Lewis was standing in her lab trying to decide whether or not she was sober enough to drive back to her apartment. I could just run a blood test to determine my exact BAC, or maybe I should just stay here tonight. I am exhausted. After she had dragged the Valkyrie back to the clinic and gave her cursory check up, she insisted the recovering woman get some rest. Her injuries were not yet fully healed, and from what she had gleaned from her observations – sleep seemed to expedite the process. The Valkyrie protested, but Lauren ordered her to get some sleep, and laughingly declined the request of her patient to sing 'Soft Kitty' to her. Neither of them spoke about what had occurred at the bar, or the attack that had precipitated her injuries.
But Lauren did have a conversation, with Trick. The barkeep had called her after she made her way to her lab, urgently asking to speak with his granddaughter. But Bo wasn't there, and Lauren told him she was still in Tartarus last she heard. When Trick informed her she was back and visited him with Dyson earlier in the evening, her heart sank. She had never even called or messaged her own girlfriend. It had dawned on her that perhaps the succubus had tried to surprise her at the apartment or clinic while she was off with Tamsin. I'm sure she had a good reason, and right now I am too tired to deal with this. Nevertheless, the revelation stung her enough to drop the matter and seek solace in blissful and hopefully, dreamless, sleep.
She made her way out of the lab and towards her office and its comfortable couch, a necessity for a dedicated research physician working overtime. As she walked through the darkened doorway shrugging out of her lab coat, she bumped into something in the darkened office and nearly fell over backwards in a failed effort to put distance between her and the intruder until two strong hands on her waist held her up.
"Shit Lewis! I thought you went home!" the startled Valkyrie nearly shouted. She pulled the doctor gently upright, as her hands were caught up in her lab coat behind her. In the dim light, she couldn't see the expression of the startled woman but registered her distress by the panting breaths she was taking and the tense muscles under her hands. She dropped her hands and stepped back to allow the doctor to collect herself as she offered apologetically, "Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you like that. I…couldn't sleep."
Lauren successfully shed her professional garment and tossed it aside, "Tamsin, what are you doing in my office?" she asked, not really caring in this moment why the Valkyrie was there. The pensive fae made no attempt to answer her, so she continued to get ready for bed, turning on the light switch without warning and walking past her over to the small closet in which she stored her blankets and pillow. The doctor noticed the other woman had showered and put on fresh scrubs. Ugh, I wish I had the energy right now. Well, she has been out for awhile; I guess she is probably restless. Still… The doctor turned back to her patient with bedclothes in hand; she was still standing as she had been as if frozen in place by guilt, "Well…?" she demanded to the back of her visitor.
The Valkyrie turned slowly and cleared her throat, looking anywhere but at Lauren as she answered, "You know, there have been, uh, a lot of, you know…threats…and I…uh…was looking for that…bottleofwhiskeyyouhave." She ran her last words together as they had a mind of their own, irrespective of the fact that she did not give them permission to escape her mouth. Tamsin was bereft of guile and pretense, though she did try so diligently put on those airs at times. She rolled her eyes in disappointment at her failed attempt to lie to the doctor.
Lauren rolled her eyes as well, albeit in amusement and smiled. For such an old fae, the woman could be so much like an innocent child. "Go. To. Bed. Tamsin." She ordered concisely with her back turned as she returned to the task of making her own bed for the night.
"Huh, really? After only one date, you try to get me in bed, Lewis?" Tamsin quipped with her arms folded across her chest, lapsing into the more lurid aspects of her personality in an attempt to feel more like herself after her inadvertent honesty.
The doctor froze as she was bent over tucking a sheet over the couch cushions. That hit a little too close to referencing the fact that they had kissed that evening. No, she kissed me! What is she up to? Is she trying to cause a rift between me and Bo to get even? But before her head had snapped back around over her shoulder to look at the the Valkyrie in anger, the taller fae was already back-pedaling – babbling with eyes wide and arms unfolding into a conciliatory gesture to assure the doctor her jibe was not an attempt to seduce her away from her girlfriend.
"I mean…I just didn't…what are you doing here? Sleeping on a couch…so not you, you're better than that. And I know you wouldn't be caught dead in a place like Bo's hovel if she weren't your girlfriend." Tamsin explained awkardly and surpisingly, quite timidly.
Lauren's distressed expression melted into a gleeful smirk as she observed the nervously fidgeting blonde. She couldn't stop the laugh that escaped her clenched lips as the Valkyrie grew more and more agitated as the implication of her off-handed smart-assed comment synched with her memories of the events of the evening. Ever the healer, Dr. Lewis ignored said implication and put her at ease, "I am tired, Tamsin. And I have slept in worse places. This place is like the Savoy, compared to my year in Afghanistan."
"Oh. I see. Good night, Dr. Lewis." She stated abruptly and matter-of-factly as she turned to leave.
But something in her tone caused the doctor to straighten up and turn to face her full on as she felt the indignation rising within her, "Wait, you don't believe me?" she asked, her voice rising in inflection despite her attempt to hide the emotions behind her accusation. She's just going to take that as a fact unquestionably? I find that hard to believe! Most people grill me about where I was stationed and what it was like!
Tamsin stopped cold in the doorway, but didn't turn as she hung her head and answered morosely, "I do believe you, Lauren. And you were right – we kinda do understand each other, now. It's just…a whole lot of shit started to make sense to me now." She turned her head to look at the outraged doctor as she offered with gentle eyes filled with understanding, "If you need me, you know where to find me." That said, she padded softly with her bare feet back to the examination room and her bed for the night.
Lauren stood stock still, frozen in place long after the Valkyrie had disappeared. What just happened? What did she mean by that? she thought as a thousand possible scenarios ran through her mind. But it was late, she was exhausted, and there would be time to think and talk tomorrow. Tamsin would be there in the morning. She had promised, and Tamsin wouldn't lie to her. She knew it. The doctor finally roused herself out of her reverie and finished making her bed, turned the light off, dropped bodily onto the couch and into fitful dreams.
She was back, back in the coffee shop in Afghanistan. Red Beard was gruffly telling her to grab her gear and meet her on the pave hawk ramp. But it wasn't him; it was Tamsin, dressed in his clothing. She was on the helo, next thing she knew. Tamsin was ignoring her sickness, sitting with her feet dangling out of the doorway, legs against the wheel to stop them from being swept by the airstream. Then they were talking, honestly, about life and what was so good about it despite the horror around them while sitting in front of the campfire at the FOB. It was a confusing, disjointed dream. Lauren gave up trying to pull herself out of it and went along for the ride.
Tamsin was dressed in the cargo shorts and tank top Red Beard had worn the night he delicately attempted to enter a relationship with Lauren. And in her dream, Tamsin did the same – speaking the same words he had used, "I know I am speaking out of turn, and I know you deserve so much more – but do you think you could take a chance with someone like me?" The flickering flames lit up her green eyes, enhancing the emotion displayed in them.
"I do have a lot of affection for you. But honestly, I can't love you like that." Dream Lauren told Tamsin.
She smiled sadly, just as Red Beard had done. Turning away to hide the tears welling up and using stoking to fire as an excuse for it she answered, "Well, I would have hated myself forever if I didn't at least try." She stopped the pretense as the flames roared up revealing the glistening in her eyes the unshed tears caused for all to see. Staring into the blaze she continued "But I hope we can still be best battle buddies. Can I still have your back, as a friend?"
Lauren placed a comforting hand on her shoulder, "I'd like that. Very much." She said warmly. Surely the dream would end there, but it didn't. The doctor moaned and jerked physically in her sleep as the scenario jumped to its inevitable, horrifying conclusion.
The boy. Tamsin shot him in the head to protect her. But it wasn't some misguided Afghan boy duped by radical extremists into throwing his life away by attacking a hospital clinic – it was Massimo. Bo had told her how she had stopped Tamsin from killing him to protect the Valkyrie's newly re-born innocence. But the Valkyrie had lived many lives, and was far from innocent. Massimo was an imminent lethal threat wrapped in a fragile human body. Lauren looked away in horror as the dream Red Beard grinned at her companions who were congratulating her marksmanship. When she did so, she caught a reflection of herself, and it shocked her enough to take pause, even in her dream. It wasn't her own visage she saw reflected from a window – it was Bo's.
No. This doesn't make any sense. Bo never went to war. Why am I dreaming I am Bo? The scene shifted and drew her out of her semi-lucid thoughts and right back into the moment. She was in the humvee, watching Tamsin scan out of the window. She was joking with her comrades, but stealing glances back at the doctor. Dream Lauren in Bo's body registered the painful look in Tamsin/Red Beard's eyes in the brief eye contact they shared for the first time. And there was something else, recognition of the revulsion she knew she was expressing at that moment. Lauren swallowed thickly in her dream, just now remembering something she had buried in her subconscious. The guilt, guilt she felt for hating someone who had sacrificed so much for her, and continued to do so without any hope of reward or return of affection. Surely Bo must feel that guilt. Or was she so used to people sacrificing themselves for her that she was now immune to feeling any empathy for those whose love she didn't return?
The dream had moved out of surreal and into reality enough to cause her to kick violently and cry aloud in a vain attempt to wake herself before the final scene she dreaded to witness. Despite her attempts, she was back in the ER at Kandahar, looking at herself in the reflection of a medicine cabinet and seeing Bo's expression full of dread and regret staring back at her in commiseration. The double doors burst open accompanied by shouts for her attention and she closed her eyes. She knew who it was, what was happening – and she didn't want to see it. The commotion faded away, and when she opened her eyes again, she was back in her apartment, kneeling next to the injured Tamsin, cradling her in her arms after the Valkyrie had saved her by killing Stacey and her entourage. She didn't know if her dream self was Bo now, or her own person – but either way it no longer mattered.
"Why, Tamsin? Why did you do this?" she whispered the question in her dream that she didn't get the chance to ask when it had actually happened.
Tamsin smiled as she answered, "It's what I do. I did it for the love of Bo, she's the only one I ever loved, and I don't know how to stop loving her." She placed one bloody hand on Lauren's cheek and with the other offered the doctor a package of cookies. With that, her breath hitched for a few times before it stopped entirely. Lauren screamed.
"Ssshhh…it's alright…shhh…I've got you. It's just a dream…come on now…it's going to be Ok…shhh" Those were the sounds Lauren heard when she finally broke from her night terror and into conscious wakefulness with a throat sore from shouting and the realization that she was sitting upright and held tightly in the embrace of someone. Tamsin was rocking her gently and soothing her with soft words of reassurance as she slowly rubbed her back with one hand.
"Tt…Tamsin? What are you doing here?" the doctor barely managed to croak out in shock. Oh my God, what was I yelling in my dream? Did I call her name? This is so embarrassing!
The Valkyrie stopped her comforting ministrations and pulled back quickly, evidently embarrassed by her own caring gesture. She cleared her throat, taken aback by the doctor's accusing tone and explained sorrowfully, "Sorry, I…uh, heard you yelling….I thought someone might have broken in." She stood up with her head hung low and one hand out as if to push the doctor away, Lauren's arms dropping limply from their own embrace on her body the doctor wasn't even aware had occurred. "Sorry, and if you're alright now, I'll just go back to bed now." She hesitated for a moment before adding with a snarky tone more in line with her character, "You really need to think about beefing up the security here. The body count here is getting out of hand."
"No, please…don't go!" Lauren blurted out, surprising herself. But when the Valkyrie lifted her eyes to meet hers in the dim light, asking silently for an explanation – words failed the normally well spoken doctor. "I…Bo…and you..and everything…oh, Tamsin…" she broken down into incoherent sobs, tears falling and snot sputtering out of her nose as a result of her efforts to control her breakdown. Shit! I am one hot mess! I can't do this in front of Tamsin, of all people!
But Tamsin didn't mock her as she thought she might in this moment of weakness. Instead, she lunged for the box of tissues on Lauren's desk and gently held one to the doctor's face as she sat on the bed next to her. Dr. Lewis sobbed into the Valkyrie's shoulder after she blew her nose a few times, and when she gained some composure except for her hitching breathing, she tried to extricate herself from the taller blonde's embrace. "I'm…sorry…about you…and Bo…and…you can go now…I..." The implied meaning of her dream made her feel sorry for the Valkyrie and ashamed of her own suspicions of the taller blonde's ulterior motives for saving her life and getting closer to her.
The Valkyrie was having none of her attempts at dismissal, and turned her around pulling her closer, both arms around her abdomen as she laid them both down on the crowded couch, "Ssshhh…No, don't be sorry. You don't have to say anything. You're tired. Just lie down and get some sleep. I'm here. You don't have to explain anything. I understand." The Valkyrie cooed as they settled down to sleep. Once the doctor had relaxed into her embrace she added a whispered promise into Lauren's hair, "I won't let anyone hurt you, Lauren." The honesty and conviction in her voice caused the doctor to suck in a breath as her heart skipped a beat.
Lauren's breathing eventually evened out as she was spooned and comforted by the woman who had most reason in the world to hate her just as she had comforted the wounded Valkyrie earlier. Lauren didn't know what to say, or even if she should say anything at all. Gods, does she love so deeply that she would go to such lengths to protect me, her rival in love? Bo did bring Nadia back, but would her devotion stretch this far? Would my love for Bo? And I was never so cold to Bo as she was to Tamsin. But I was cold to Red Beard, and he loved me regardless of the fact that I reviled him. Dr. Lewis fell into a thankfully dreamless sleep contemplating the complicated nature of love and its ramifications, as she was held from behind by the lightly snoring Valkyrie. They shared a bond no one else in their group did and it was mutually understood - both of them loved Bo. But right now, Bo was off doing who knows what while they were here for each other, offering each other comfort without having to say a word. And it was a wonderfully satisfying feeling.