Chapter 4 – Grief
Lily was reporting to Dumbledore. "Edgar Bones is dead and Bellatrix Black is gone. So are the Lestranges. And we all know what that means," Lily said, rolling her eyes.
"Miss Evans, we do not know for sure what anything means." The professor told his, looking over his half-moon glasses at her.
"Edgar is dead! Marian is dead. And so are others. Everyone is devastated. Why are you acting like this didn't happen? People are dying and you aren't doing anything about it. You didn't show up until after the fight was over. You left your students unprotected and didn't even show up to help those who survived!" Lily slapped a hand over her mouth and looked shocked at her own words. "I'm sorry. I'll…I'll just go." The anger and frustration had poured out of her mouth.
She bumped into James as she fled from the headmaster's office, "Mr. Potter, would you be so kind as to escort Miss Evans back to her dorm. It isn't safe to be walking alone, even in these hallowed halls," Dumbledore's voice came floating though the doorway, he sounded pensive.
"What did he mean, Hogwarts isn't safe, it has to be, it's the only safe place left. Dammit James, what's wrong with this world." Lily worried as they began to make the trek to the Gryffindor common room.
He stopped and gawped at her, his eyes nearly falling out of his head, "You called me James."
Lily turned to face him. "Well it hardly seems to matter now. Our little disagreements hardly seem to matter compared with what's going on out there," she gestured vaguely towards the outside. "How many more people have to die before something changes, before someone does something? How many of us have to die over blood prejudices?" She sat down suddenly in the middle of the fourth floor hallway with her hands over her face. She did her best to muffle her dry sobs.
James sat behind her and wrapped himself around her. "Everyone keeps dying. Edgar is dead. Marian is dead. My parents are dead," she said softly.
"When, how," he was dismayed, but realized that it explained her recent unusual behavior.
"They say he killed them personally," the accent on the he made it very clear who he was. There was only one he; one You-Know-Who. "He wants me for some reason, despite the fact that I'm a dirty mudblood. And I don't know why; gods I don't know why." She rocked back and forth in his arms in fear.
"Because you've got more power behind your wand than any other witch I know, and that includes my mum and Minerva McGonagall. I'm so sorry about your parents. I know how you must be feeling right now."
"How can you know? I'm the reason my parents died, the reason they were murdered!" Her voice came out strangled with anguish.
"Because my dad died protecting me and my mum. He was one of the first that You-Know-Who killed."
"I didn't know. I'm sorry."
"It happened a long time ago, before I even came to Hogwarts. But I have every intention of paying him back for the favor."
Lily decided that it was time to change the subject. "Have you made up with Remus?" Lily asked as James helped her up. "Or Sirius, or Peter?" She wiped the remaining tears from her eyes.
"We've begun to make amends."
After a pause, she commented lightly, "You've change Potter. For the better I think."
"We're back to Potter, are we Evans?" he frowned and then saw her grinning. He picked her up and tossed her over his shoulder. "I'll teach you to make jokes at my expense," he said as he headed back to the common room.
She shrieked in delight, "James Potter, if you don't put me down right now, I'll…"
"You'll what Lily Evans." He put her down lightly in front of the entrance to the Gryffindor common room.
The mood in the common room was very different from the one that Lily and James had left in the hallway. Everyone sat still and silent, shocked by the mornings' events. Three of their own had died. Their house had been hit the hardest. Others were missing from the gathering of Gryffindors, but not because they had died. Many were either in the Hospital Wing or at St. Mungos if they were worse off.
Lily and James walked in and sat with their diminished number of housemates. They weren't sure what they were waiting for. No one said anything. No one did anything. They sat; they held hands and many cried. People were still trying to process what had happened. It was hard to believe what had happened.
"How come you get to go to the funeral and I don't?" Sirius had barged into the library space where Lily was tutoring a third year in charms; guns blazing.
"Maybe you had better go," Lily said softly to the girl who grabbed her things and left quickly. "Hello Sirius. How can I help you?" Lily asked him evenly. She knew that when Sirius was in one of his moods, there was nothing to be done but let him at it.
He slammed his hands on the table. "Dumbledore told me that I wasn't invited to the funeral. That I don't get to say goodbye to…" he still had trouble saying her name.
"Did he tell you why?" Lily asked him calmly.
"No," was the resolute response.
"Did you ask?" Lily asked him calmly again.
"No," was the response again.
"Well maybe you should do that before blaming me and scaring off that poor girl I was tutoring." Lily's voice rose as she began to tell him off. She was clearly a bit ticked.
"I'm not allowed to say goodbye." He frowned and bit his lip; he was clearing nearing the end of his rope.
"You don't have to go to a wizarding funeral to say goodbye," Lily told him softly.
"Yes I do," Sirius told her gravely, "That's when wizards say goodbye to those who have left us."
Lily sometimes forgot that Sirius had been raised as a very straight up pureblood. She started slowly, "I didn't realize that it was so important to you to say goodbye to Marian," Lily looked pained at using her friend's name. She looked at him thoughtfully, "You don't have to say goodbye at a funeral. You can say goodbye to her in your own way; in a way that would have meant more to her than some silly funeral."
Sirius put his head down on the table. "I don't think I know how to say goodbye," he said with a sigh.
"It's hard, I'm not sure I do either. But we have to; we have to let go eventually."
Sirius blanched and looked horrified at the very thought. "I didn't mean forget about her Sirius. Never forget Marian, never. But we do have to move on. We have to remember her. But we have to keep living our lives as well."
Poor Sirius looked so lost that Lily sat next to him and wrapped her arms around him, "I just can't believe she's gone," he hiccupped.
"I know Sirius," she made soothing sounds, "I miss her too."
"No Lily, you don't understand. I miss her so much that it hurts. It hurts right here," he said holding the left side of his chest.
"I know Sirius, I know." They sat like that for a long time, trying to absorb the shock of the events of the past few days. It wasn't until Madame Biblis came and told them that the Library was closing that they left.
Lily and Dorcas had been wandering the halls. It was something they liked to do after curfew when they couldn't sleep. These days, they all had trouble sleeping. Severus had told Lily in confidence that Dorcas would wake up screaming in the night, but then deny it the next morning. Lily herself was just as bad, but she had cast a silencing charm around her bed so that no one else would have to know her grief. Lily and Dorcas had been wandering nightly, and it was beginning to show in the daytime.
It was difficult adjusting. You could hardly expect the students of Hogwarts to go on business as usual when six of their own had been brutally murdered in front of them. Marian Fortescue had been a sweet and beloved Hufflepuff. Edgar Bones had been a fair head boy, even for a Gryffindor and he was well known for his ability to beat anyone at wizarding chess. Shannon Boondock had been a fifth year Gryffindor with blond hair who already knew that she wanted to work with dragons. Tim Snow had been a fourth year Ravenclaw and a favorite of McGonagall's for his transfiguration ability. Emmie White had been a Seventh year Ravenclaw who had already lined up a job as a translator with the Ministry. The last was a hard one on Lily. The little boy that she had tried to save, the one with the gash in his chest had died in St. Mungos of complications due to multiple curses that conflicted with one another and prevented healing. Johnny Armstrong had been a Gryffindor and a brave one at that.
People whispered that it was funny that Gryffindor had suffered the highest losses in Hogsmeade. It didn't really surprise anyone though. Gryffindors stood up to You-Know-Who and his followers and had a habit of being killed for it. It was the price they paid, many said, and it made many people think twice before standing up for the rights of others.
That evening during their wanderings, Lily and Dorcas made their way to the kitchen for a late night snack. There was a sudden commotion of sound as they walked in that delayed their entrance. One of the house elves, a young female elf by the name of Bipsy ran under their feet and made them stumble. When they were finally fully on their feet and paying attention, they saw Peter Pettigrew just finishing up at his table and a few Slytherins from fifth year at the opposite table, glaring at him.
Peter looked up steadily, first at the three boys from Slytherin and then at Lily. "Hullo Lily, Dorcas," he nodded to them. "I was just leaving. They have a chocolate cake that is to die for. I would try it if I were you," he suggested before wiping his mouth and getting up to leave.
"You shouldn't talk to us that way Gryffindor," one of the Slytherins hissed as they all sneered at Peter.
"Well that's your problem, not mine, isn't it?" Peter narrowed his eyes in an unusual show of dominance over other males.
The girls looked bewildered as they sat at the place that Peter had vacated. Two slices of chocolate cake appeared before the girls. Lily and Dorcas waited. They did not pick up their forks and begin to eat. Instead they watched the Slytherins who were whispering with one another. Lily frowned at then. Dorcas pulled rank.
"Shouldn't you boys be off to bed?" Dorcas' voice was clear cut and dry. It had a tone to it that said 'don't argue with me'. It was a tone that Dorcas used very well. The boys got up and began to leave. In order to do that though, they had to walk past the table that the girls were sitting at.
"Stupid slut," they heard one of them murmur, "can't even see what's in front of her very nose."
The girls heard that loud and clear. "Thirty points from Slytherin for foul language. I ought to wash your mouth out with soap as well," Lily said angrily.
"Only the heads can do that," one of the other boys grumbled.
"In case you hadn't noticed," Lily said fiercely, "we don't have any head students anymore. Prefects are now sharing that duty." The boys at least knew when to let it go and leave.
Dorcas pursed her lips together and thought. "You're going to give yourself wrinkles," Lily pointed out.
"I was just wondering what he meant about what we aren't seeing." Dorcas said, "I don't seem to be kept in the grapevine as often anymore because I'm not angling to join their little group."
"They were probably referring to Hogsmeade," Lily said, viciously stabbing her cake with her fork.
Marian's funeral was held that day at her parents' home in London. Only a few students were asked to attend, including Lily and Marlene. Dorcas was not invited, as Slytherins were now feared despite the fact that Dorcas had once spent an entire summer at the Fortescue's house. The marauders were not invited either. Sirius was the only one who had a real problem with that. He was sitting in Lily's room, on her bed to be exact, despite Lily's protests to the contrary.
"I don't understand why I can't go," he said while glaring at the floor.
Lily looked at him, pity written all over her face, "Darling, the last time you were at their house you blew up an entire wing of it because you and Marian got into a fight. Besides, the Fortescue's didn't know you were so serious about their youngest girl." Lily looked at him pointedly, "In fact, no one seems to have known."
"I was scared."
"I don't think she knew," Lily said, inducing guilt.
"I don't think I knew. I was too busy trying to forget my other problems that I didn't realize how crazy I was about her." He looked up at her with watery eyes, "And now she never will."
"Oh Sirius. She knows now, I'm sure of it. She's in a better place." Lily said while standing in front of Sirius in her plain black dress and even plainer black pumps.
"How do you know?" He grabbed her hand, looking at her needily.
"I don't, but I have to believe it. Compared to the world we live in now, anything has to be better."
He held her hand between both his large ones, "Lily." His voice was rough and ragged, "Lily," he tried again, "Marian told me about your parents. You and I both seem to keep losing people we care about." He pulled her towards him, between his legs, still grasping her hand. "I'm sorry," he said as he closed the distance between them. His lips crashed against hers. She melted into his arms and into his desperate kiss. It was needy and unforgiving.
Suddenly, they stood stock still and pulled away from one another. "I have to go," Lily murmured in anguish as she shook her head and headed for the door. "And you aren't supposed to be in the girls' halls.