Nothing Will Be The Same – and Nightmares

I shouldn't have agreed to go demon hunting. Jace and Isabelle were talking, sometimes they tried to talk to me but I had nothing to say. It was already ten o'clock and I just wanted to return to the Institute, in part because Jonathan would be there in a few hours. It was also because I was freezing after not going outdoors for weeks and it was almost Christmas and... well, let's say I wasn't having a good time.

Unfortunately, Jace and Isabelle were. They hadn't been in a real fight for almost a month, and that was killing them. I didn't want to annoy them so I stayed quiet until we reached our destination.

-This is disgusting -Isabelle said.

-It's a sewer, Isabelle -Jace replied-. It has to be disgusting, otherwise it would be...

-I get it -she interrupted-. Let's find the demons so we can get out of this place.

-That's a wonderful idea -I muttered.

I wish we had been that lucky. But actually, demons found us and we were taken by surprise.

Isabelle was hit while she was turned back and soon Jace and I fought the demons.

My sister was recovered in seconds and joined us but Jace hadn't warned me of this. There were eight ravenor demons and a behemot. It was going to be a hursh fight...

Jace and Isabelle were fighting well, they had already killed three demons. I had killed one, but it had almost killed itself; I was more focused on keeping my siblings alive, and it was working.

It didn't work for a long time, though. Jace was being reckless, as always, but now he was fighting two ravenors while a behemot was approaching him.

It attacked without Jace realising. And then everything seemed so slow... I wasn't even thinking, I just jumped between my brother and the demon, so I was the one ending up injured.

-Alec! -Isabelle screamed. She finished two demons with her whip and she came by my side. Jace had killed the behemot and he was fighting the other four demons left.

-Isabelle, go and help Jace -I ordered.

-No, you have demon poison, you need to be healed right now or...

-If you don't help Jace, we will all die -I interrupted-. So, go. I'll be right here.

Isabelle thought about it for one second. Then she nodded and joined Jace.

They were fighting well, just a couple of demons left, but I couldn't see clearly. I felt my eyes close and then everything went dark.

XXX

I felt dumb. Absolutely dumb. And then there was an unbearable pain; I tried to scream but my body didn't answer. Suddenly, the pain was gone and I felt dumb again.

And I woke up, but I was again at Magnus' apartment, in Brooklyn, and he was staring at me. But his look was cold.

-I thought I told you I didn't want to see you again -He said while he was looking at my eyes. And I thought the pain before was unbearable...

-I don't know why I am here -I replied.

-Well, then you'd better go now.

-Magnus...

-Get out of my house, you stupid nephilim! -He shouted. I felt my eyes full of tears. He had called me that one time, the first time he said he loved me. But now it sounded like the worst thing his mouth could say. I was going to obey him but then everything began to spin and it was dark again.

XXX

What had that been? Was it a dream? It looked so real... And if it was a dream, why wasn't he waking up? He felt the pain again... And then, he was awake, at the Institute. For some reason, he was alone with his father.

And his father was looking at him with disgust.

-Alexander...

-Hello, dad, it's been a long time -I greeted him with a smile but he didn't smile back.

-Not long enough. Have you changed? -He asked.

-Changed? What?

-That gay think -He explained-. Maryse told me you had broken up with that warlock, so maybe you can be a good son again.

-Be a good son? Am I a bad son just for... being gay? -I was stunned, I thought he was beggining to accept it.

-Of course you are! Well, you were, because you are straight again, aren't you?

-No! I have never been straight! -I frowned, my father hadn't changed his mind at all- This is not something I chose, I just...

He slapped me. He had never hit me, he was my father even if he hated me for being gay. But now he slapped me with all of his strenght and I fell to the floor.

-Don't even touch him -My mother said, she had just entered the room with Jace and Isabelle-. He doesn't even deserve being hit, he is a disgrace.

-You aren't a Shadowhunter, Alec -Jace said-. I shouldn't have asked you to be my parabatai, it was my biggest mistake... You even fell in love with me, and that's disgusting.

-I thought if you dated a man you would realise it wasn't right -Isabelle didn't even look at me while she was talking-. But you... liked it... You are a monster, you aren't my brother.

-If only Max was here... -My mother said-. At least that way I would have a son, a real son. Not this...

-Stop! -I screamed, but they wouldn't stop. They continued saying things but their voices were remote and I couldn't understand what they were saying. Then, everything was dark again.

XXX

I opened my eyes and all I could see was light. It was white, like a cloud.

-Am I dead? Is this heaven? -I asked myself.

-Heaven? -Repeated a voice behind me. I looked at the boy who had talked. He was Max.

-Max... where are we?

-It doesn't matter -He replied-. Have you finally come for me?

-Were you waiting?

-Of course I was! -He screamed- You left me alone, with the murderer. And now you are sleeping with him. How can you do that?

-I... -I didn't know what to say, I was speechless.

-You know, it was your fault.

-I know -I admitted.

-But you don't feel guilty enough. You try to blame Sebastian, or even Isabelle. But it was all your fault, you were the only one who was eighteen, an adult.

-I know it... It was my fault, not Isabelle's -I acknowled-, and I know I can't do anything that would make you forgive me...

-Forgive you? I could never forgive you, Alexander -Max had never called me Alexander. Never-. I hate you. I wish you weren't my brother, I don't want to share blood with you.

-I am sorry...

-It doesn't matter. What you did is still there -He reminded me-. You are a waste, Alexander...

XXX

I didn't know if all those memories were true or just dreams. But they continued, I couldn't make them stop. I was becoming mad, I wanted to die so much... I just felt pain, pain in my body and pain and my heart. I wanted to cry, but I couldn't even do it...

XXX

End of chapter 4, I hope you liked it. And poor Alec, those nightmares would torture everyone.

The next few chapters won't be Alec's POV because he is agonizating, and I will try to update as soon as possible.

Read you,

Suna