Disclaimer - Not mine, all JKRs yadda yadda yadda
September 2nd
This week has been confusing. I had a long talk with Leola. It was nice, I hadn't realised how much only seeing her for four hours a day in lessons rather than the full days it was before was affecting our relationship. I caught her looking between Helga and me one too many times over dinner on Thursday. So I decided to cancel my lessons and call her on it. Helga didn't mind since the animagus potion had reached a tricky stage.
When we sat down she told me she had overheard more of Gerhalt and Hector's conversation than I thought and the idea of me and Helga was one she had been contemplating and was beginning to approve of. As pleased as I was by her acceptance I had to nip that thought process in the bud early.
It turned out that while she had heard about Helga, Leola heard nothing about my history with Cho or that much of situation with Ginny. I started talking about my history with Ginny which lead to a more detailed discussion of my personal history than anyone had heard, the Basilisk was covered, so too the incident with Mr Weasley and nagini. It also lead to a discussion on my fame as the route of Ginny's crush and the fact that she didn't come back in time as she had convinced herself she was over her crush.
At least Leola understood that the issue of a female companion was rather sensitive though she also tried to keep me open to the idea. I didn't have the heart to flat out deny anything would happen. The fact was I wasn't sure.
In terms of magical progress I think I'm at the end of second year charms and part way through Younger Futhark, apparently even though it's a condensed form of Elder Futhark the Runes have many different strengths and meanings and the interactions between the two turn out to be insanely complex.
My first enchanting project has been put on hold until I've mastered animation charms then I'm going to permanently animate my Hedwig sculpture. I finally found out what Leola was talking about with grounding runes as well.
It seems that the magic of Runes is two-fold. You can carve relatively simple runic scripts for things like increased strength or making something waterproof or even unbreakable. These work rather well, and the inherent magic of the runes themselves draws magic from the atmosphere to power the script. This is first level enchantment. However, Runes can't do everything and to enchant something with more complex attributes Charms are required. But Charms fade over time unless they are linked to a set of Runes which can draw atmospheric magic and power the Charm continuously. These grounding Runes sets require both a component the draws magic and one which can hold the Charm and they vary depending on the Charm involved, making this level of enchanting extremely difficult. Some of the Charms grounded also cross over into types of hexes and curses, thus leading to some potentially rather violent wards.
Apparently if I want to enchant Hedwig to the level I want, I need to know some particularly impressive Animation Charms, basically the ones that would get me extra credit at NEWT level, and come up with a Rune set to ground them. Apparently it will probably take a full year to get finish NEWT level Charms to the level Leola wants but by that point she and Helga will probably be as far as we can go in terms of spells with Transfiguration and Defence.
Potions is a bit of a nightmare. I harboured some hope that without Snape I would find some hitherto unknown gift for the subject. I haven't got one. Not that I'm bad at it. Helga seems to go out of her way to say I'm not bad at all. I'm just not great.
Magical Creatures and Herbology are different though. Herbology being basically gardening, always reminded me forcefully of the Dursleys so I didn't always give my all, happy to let Neville shine. Now though I like it, not as much as Charms or Runes but it's a nice change of pace and the foraging we do with Hector and his impromptu lessons are rather good. Creatures I think I might be better at in some aspects than Helga even, if only because I have more experience with the larger and more violent types, Helga was stunned when I spoke about Buckbeak and Hector looked wistful when I spoke about thestrals. Apparently muggles and squibs can never see them.
At some point Hector said we'll track and hunt at night and we'll navigate by the stars. He'll teach me more Astronomy then, but he's definitely improved my knowledge and he was really pleased with my telescope.
My stone work is getting better, or I like to think it is and the others seem to think so. I'm trying to make Ron now, Hermione's finished. I think I'm spending longer than I need to on Ron because I plan on Sirius next. I've managed to avoid thinking of Sirius even more than Ginny but it's still there at the back of my mind. I know I have to make the sculpture even just the bust not a big life size thing but it's going to be like a tribute to him and an admission that he's gone. I can't help but feel I don't have the talent to pull it off but I think part of it is that I just don't have the inclination to do it.
I can put it off a bit longer as well seeing as the next few weekends are taken up with the Totem ritual and the animagus transformation. I'm not sure that it's healthy but I'm doing it anyway. It's a different kind of tribute.
September 5th
I don't know whether to be furious or pleased. I've been wondering why Leola was so encouraging of my stonework and experimentation with the Potter legacy. Today I came up with the idea of using the knowledge to build a home for us all while we're here. Apparently that was Leola's plan all along, she's been looking up various wards and enchantments in the Potter library that she can put into the walls!
Part of me is pleased that I can actually be useful but some part, the majority really is hurt that it seems the only reason people have been helping me is to get something out of it. I'll still do it probably, it's a shame to waste that knowledge and the family deserve a nice home but I'm definitely not as comfortable around them as I was.
September 7th
Well that was weird. They noticed I'd been off for the past few days, so decided to sit me down and check everything was okay!
Well isn't that fine and dandy, no one seems to think there is a problem that a boy who's been used and trodden all his life has been used again. So what if I'm getting more out of it this time just another group of people believing I owe them something. In this case they have a point but just the belief that I'd do it, no asking no me offering. Just casual manipulation into getting something off my hard work.
September 8th
Okay I may have been slightly harsh. Helga at least didn't have a clue what was going on and was outraged and furious with her mother. The argument is still going on now.
If anything its making me feel worse coming between a family. Doors are closed so I can't hear the words of the argument but frankly every muffled shout makes me feel guiltier.
September 9th
Well it's been one of the most emotional days since I've been here. Leola apologised. Apparently at one point when we were talking about the stonework spells I said it would be nice to build something. She and Hector took that as one day I'll be building a house, so she was looking up wards I'm going to need and Hector's been practicing his carpentry again. I'm still not as comfortable as I was but we're all trying to move passed it though.
But more importantly, today was the Totem ritual for both me and Helga. The vision I got was scary. There are all kinds of meanings to each animal, based on size, whether it's a predator, what type of animal; mammal, bird, fish, etc. So I went in to the vision fairly well prepared, or so I thought.
I went through this inky blackness until I saw two points of green light which I took to be eyes. Moving closer to them they became this massive grey and black tiger. It was incredible, three and a half feet at the shoulder and twelve feet long, it was beautiful. I couldn't believe it.
The fact it was so large means my magical core is very large apparently, there is some sort of grading scale and the only more powerful cores would have been something unnaturally expanded or something magical in itself. Apparently even a knarl as a core would suggest more power than a tiger. But a tiger form is inherently more useful, to my mind anyway as I was interested in the benefits that came with the form rather than the stealth of being able to hide. My core was on a par with all the other large predators polar bears and the big sharks, as well as the truly enormous herbivores like elephants.
Just as I was moving forward to stroke the tiger and acknowledge my core animal, a pair of red eyes made themselves visible about a quarter of a second before they leapt at my tiger. What followed was a vicious battle between tiger and what looked to be an eighteen foot long lizard, like the Komodo dragon I saw in the reptile house in the zoo. The beast was monstrous and took my tiger by surprise and had the greater size, but the tiger had the greater agility and speed, and slowly was getting away from the lizard and using its own speed and power to its advantage. With an almighty swing of its front right paw it raked the lizard across its eye, causing it to yelp in pain and giving the tiger all the time it needed to go in for the kill, following up its attack with a leap onto the head of the creature and a powerful bite to its neck. I observed its death roes with morbid fascination and could only watch with horror as it began to lap up the blood of the fallen beast.
If that wasn't enough, the tiger then started howling in pain. It reminded me of nothing so much as the opening to the he-man cartoon I managed to glimpse that one time, where kringer becomes battlecat, and the underside of the tiger became kind of scaly like the lizard. In fact it was less like a komodo dragon and more like an actual dragon. The underside anyway, the scales gave way to fur on the back.
It was odd after that the tiger/lizard hybrid sort of backed away as if afraid I wouldn't accept it. I had to stride towards it obviously but slowly, allowing to become used to me and the second I touched it I felt the powerful surge of my magical core linking with my physical form. The thing I would have to strive for with my meditation.
The next thing I knew that feeling had disappeared and I was awake and naked and surrounded by people. It wasn't the most the most pleasant waking up experience of my life.
Somewhat unsurprisingly my ritual was going for much longer than Helga's and they got worried. It was pleasing they were concerned and it did help further heal the wound of Leola's manipulations but it didn't change the fact they were all staring at me naked.
When we got back inside and discussed it we came to the conclusion that the tiger was my magical core and what I had watched was a visual representation of the fight between my magic and Voldemort's and it seems that whatever he did, somehow changed my magic, though it seems to have added other aspects to it rather than completely change it. Cold-blooded predator cores represent an affinity for hexes and curses and offensive magic, whereas warm-blooded predators are more associated with being able to take care of oneself so Charms and the defensive aspects of Combat magic.
One thing that did confuse though was Helga's vision which she said showed some kind of really big skunk which had larger claws and teeth than any skunk she'd ever seen. That just seemed a bit wrong for some reason.
September 16th
Okay if I thought last weekend's vision was weird after a particularly unpleasant week then this week was different again.
After taking the potion I waited what seemed like an age before I found myself in a forest staring into the undergrowth at two emerald green eyes. It was a strangely comforting reminder of the previous week, as I moved forward the creature moved towards me and I wasn't surprised to see a massive wolf there, reading up on personalities of various creatures it seemed to fit. It wasn't really like the more modern wolves in the books I'd been looking at though, but thicker looking, stronger, more powerful. Almost like a caricature of a wolf except without the bloody fangs you might expect. It was the height of Padfoot, bigger even because it was sturdier, wider. It had thick dark grey almost black fur. I reached out to touch it. As my fingers met the fur I felt a connection, similar to that of the previous week except rather than resonate with my magical core within my body, this connection seemed to be entirely located in my mind.
After a moment though the wolf broke the connection and wandered away before turning around, seeming to beg me to follow. Follow I did and minutes passed as I went deeper and deeper into the forest, the wolf led me, the forest was turning dark, almost too dark to see. Eventually all was black and I could only make my way through contact with the wolf, when suddenly it stopped. I realized I was no longer feeling the brush of trees against my body and from the darkness opposite I was gazing once more on the tiger/lizard cross that was my magical core.
Following the wolfs lead I made my way forward as did my totem animal. When we had made our way to some arbitrary centre point the wolf escaped from under my left hand and went to stand next to the tiger. Both looked at me and I reached out, touching both on the forehead. As I reached out my magic seemed to sing through my body while the connection through my mind was on fire. There was no pain just the feeling of completeness which vanished when I realized that neither of my hands was touching anything now. Opening my eyes which had closed during the process I no longer saw the two animals instead I saw one creature. It still had the underside of the dragon, it still had the markings of the tiger and the powerful back legs looked to be from the large cat, but the front, the front was all wolf, with the exception of a slightly shortened, slightly feline looking snout. Larger than either the wolf or the tiger it was fifteen feet long and well over four feet, possibly four and a half at the shoulder. Long story short I'm an alphyn. I didn't even know what an alphyn was until Hector told me, part big cat, part wolf, part dragon. Fast and agile like the cat, the stamina and determination of the wolf and the power of a dragon. It sounds awesome!
We worked out what was wrong with Helga's vision as well. Her animagus form was, somewhat unsurprisingly for me, a badger, but when they combined for her the creature became a massive almost bear-like badger, with longer claws and sharper teeth than she thought a badger should have. She reckoned it ended up about eight feet long and two or two and a half feet tall. It just seemed to be a badger amped up to as predatory as it could get. Looking through the natural history books that are part of the Potter collection, I think animagi are also in the blood, we came across the honey badger, a completely fearless, snake eating omnivore known to take out lions and leopards. At least I understand why the skunk felt off.
When I spoke to Helga alone she said she felt the singing and fire too, almost as if because the visions melded our magic and personality we can meditate to search for the centre point rather than doing both separately. Perhaps the whole process might take us less than the two years it took dad and Sirius.
September 19th
Hermione's birthday. I struggled to make it through today. I made her a sculpture of Crookshanks in my stonework time, I think all the birthdays will be hard. I'm really not looking forward to Christmas.
September 23rd
You know you think something like the animagus process will take a year and you know that realistically it will, but then you sit down to do the meditation searching for your core and to resolve your animal characteristics and some part of you, however, daft it seems, has the crazy idea it will be done in that first session. Four hours we were both sat there and neither of us felt anything. Realistically it was always going to happen. In practice it's incredibly disheartening. Maybe I'll try and do some meditation before I go to bed every night as well. It is very relaxing.
Everything else though is really beginning to come together. I'm getting in to the swing of this schedule. Magically I noticed a difference right away but I'm beginning to feel better physically now that the aches from lack of muscle use have given way. Hector's been getting me working on different things with the hatchets now that I've finally got all the hacking, slashing and cutting techniques sorted. I was beginning to get bored with it but the constant repetition of the basic movement really helped with the forms he's got me learning. They're not difficult parrying with one hacking with the other crosswise before pushing back against the parry and slashing down while parrying the return hack with the opposite hand. It really doesn't look spectacular but it's effective and is the basis of any effective close combat with hatchets apparently.
The staff as well I'm making progress, my blocking is really good now and I'm going to start attacking manoeuvres next week.
I did have to leave the forge for a couple of days after burning my arm on some scalding metal, if the pain wasn't bad enough the smell of the roasted flesh was disgusting. Luckily it was my left arm so spell casting wasn't affected but weapons was cancelled for the day as Helga and Leola were fixing me up with the right burn paste.
I'm back in the swing of things with the masonry work and back to hefting the big blocks around. To be honest I think I've got the cutting and shaping thing down enough that I could probably start going to work on the house as long as I had someone's help. I might speak to Leola about it next week and see how the various enchantments are going. Things have been almost back to normal this week and by next week I think we should be back on track.
Magical training is flying for the lessons I'm teaching, the pair picking it up far faster than I did. That said my Transfiguration work is better than it's ever been and my Defence work continues to improve.
Charms and Runes don't feel like I'm progressing as fast but a lot of that is probably coloured by the progress I made in the first few weeks when I had more time, besides, technically there are more actual things to learn in each subject. I'm now midway through third year Charms, the form is getting easier and the repetitions don't talk as long because I'm beginning to see my mistakes before I start casting. The silent casting part isn't so much of a struggle either. I think the work with visualisation of intent for Transfiguration practice has made all the difference as I'm finding it much less difficult to concentrate and focus on the end result now.
Potions of course is still tough but we're getting towards the end of first year and things haven't blown up again. Helga is occasionally even complementary. I actually got her to smile during the lesson on Saturday.
I still don't know what to make of Helga, I really like her as a person and I know the adults are rooting for us to get together but I'm not sure how I feel about her, she can infuriate me and make me laugh, she's attractive and witty and intelligent, stubborn, hard-working and loyal. Maybe there is something there and I'm only fighting it because of the issues I've built up over Ginny.
September 27th
Okay I'm not sure how I feel about this. Hector is taking me out hunting on Saturday. We need the meat and objectively I know that means something dying but being directly responsible for it seems extremely close to murder. I know I killed the basilisk, and at least had a hand in Quirrell's death but I can happily tell myself they were self-defence. Actually going out with the aim of killing something seems wrong.
September 29th
Well I did it. I killed a boar. Then I was sick. I spoke to Hector about the whole thing he gave me a rather interesting talk. His view and it's a sensible one, or it seems it would be if I can accept it, is that there is a difference between killing and murder. Killing is something a predator does to get food or to defend his territory or family. Murder is any killing carried out over and above that and accounts for anything from the unnecessary killing of extra animals for food that won't be eaten, all the way through to starting an unjust war. It's an interesting philosophy and it does vindicate some of things I'll ultimately have to do against Voldemort, but the danger is I could start rationalising all kinds of killing easily. I would imagine Voldemort sees I high proportion of the murders he's carried out as necessary killing. Ah well, enough philosophy we need to drink to 'celebrate' my kill.
September 30th
Oh God! Oh God! Oh God! Today I woke up with a horrendous hangover lying on my bed with my arms around a topless Helga. Not good. We couldn't look at each other all day until we finally sat down on our own this evening. Neither of us remember what happened and neither of us are sure what's going on now. Luckily Helga knew the Charm to check her virtue is still intact, and it is, so it didn't go that far.
I think we were up before anyone else and I don't think they saw us last night but I'm really scared about the family now. They know something happened as we've been that odd around each other today I think Helga has been accosted by her mum just now.
Well that's weird. Leola spoke to Helga about it and said the best thing we can do now is get drunk, talk through it and kiss again to see if there is a spark. We did and there isn't.
We sort of talked about it and I think we decided that a boy and a girl living together so closely something was bound to happen. We're lucky it didn't go too far but we need to be careful getting drunk as we are hormonal teenagers who rarely see anyone else and though we don't feel like that about each other there's a good chance a lack of an available 'outlet' for our frustrations may cause problems. Actually Leola said I need to take advantage of a tavern girl but that seems a bit wrong and I've never been comfortable 'helping myself', another side effect of living with the Dursleys and their obsession with cleanliness so thanks again to them. Unfortunately it's a problem which given the sounds coming from Dudley's room of a night, he never had.