Chapter Notes: Normally I stretch out postings to maximize reviews, but as I have mentioned I am writing this for my own nostalgia so that is just not that much of a concern. The problem with the first three chapters is they don't really establish what makes this story worth reading. The first chapter gets you into Hawk's frame of mind, why he would drop everything and fly to California which is quite the flight back in the days of propeller planes. The second allows you to meet BJ's support structure, and to see the beautiful frosting on this crumbling cake, and the third get's Hawk through the door and into BJ's room, but you don't truly get a sense of his special friendship until chapter four, and that is the heart of this entire story.
True friendship...the Loch Ness monster of relationships, everyone has reported seeing one, might even have seen a blurry photograph or two, but I've yet to meet someone that has experienced it for themselves. Women are more likely to develop one then men, couples can sometimes make it to that level because there is a woman involved, but for men...intimacy with the same sex is a scary thing. That is one reason I did not make this story slash. In gay men there is an openness and accessibility that makes a deep relationship far easier to write, but I wanted to write against the grain and see where it leads me and what I feel has come out of it has been beautiful.
That statement is not to denigrate slash, I mean check out the episodes of the show, seeing two men that a home with each other on film looks fishy as hell in this modern context, so I can see how that could intrigue, but there used to be a level of non-gay masculine friendship that seems to be lost these days, and that is what I chose to write about.
Check historical documents sometime, read mens letters to one another, check old photographs of men walking arm in arm down the streets of Victorian England, read the story of David and Jonathan in the Bible, wow did they love one another "whom he loved as he loved his own soul" is how it is described, intimacy existed between straight men, especially soldiers, it happened...but where did it go?
I say all the above because I made myself mad when I wrote this, I found myself backing away from some of the things that happened in this chapter because I did not want this relationship to look untoward.
But you know what? It's those moments that I am finding myself most proud to have written. So review or don't guys, but know that I stand by every line here.
enjoy the chapter.
Bart
The First Skirmish…
We didn't do much that first afternoon; or rather I didn't do much. To tell the truth, just being there with you, having you with me, even if you weren't truly with anyone at that moment…
You take things for granted, Beej, little things that you ignore when you are around each other day after day miserable and wishing you were anywhere else, things that become ever more glaring when you get your wish and that person who made life worth the effort of continuing in those dark hours is not there anymore.
I missed the way you snore, oh it's not the rafter rattle that we endured with Charles, or the nightly whimper from Frank…you know the one that we exchanged that look and promised to never inquire about? You had a, very polite snore, I could always tell when you dropped off, and you know what, Beej? Hearing it always comforted me when I awoke with nightmares, or when we had to traipse away from the camp, as long as I heard that snore it was like the Swamp was there.
After I got home, it took me weeks to learn to sleep without that reassuring noise in my ear.
You also had this way of resting your chin on your hand when we played cards, anytime I saw that gesture I made sure I folded, I think you faked that tell and used it against me as a bluff more than once, but I could never prove it, and you were far to sly to confess. I often wondered how such an honest man was such a dirty poker player…I have a hunch about how you paid for Stanford Medical School.
I missed the way you always moved through post-op, never awkward in spite of all that height which you made less intimidating and imposing to other people by hunching down a bit, I could always make the wounded boys chuckle, but I had no real peace to offer them, but something about you always calmed the place. I wonder now if it was because you absorbed all the pain and now it's caught up to you like a toxin.
God this is sounding like a love letter, I better stop before the bottom of my Y chromosome splits.
Anyway…
I think I saw you a couple more times those first hours, saw a flicker of the old Beej in those blue eyes of yours, it could have been the light but I choose to believe it was you. Each of those times, I attempted to draw you out only to lose you again.
I stepped out sometime that evening and talked to dad to let him know I made it, then got on the phone with Peg, told her what Doctor O'Riordan said, enjoyed another chat with your little sweet girl which consisted of a detailed recounting of the macaroni and cheese she had for dinner which turned out to be a lot better than that mysterious grouping of substances they brought us for a meal.
It was so bad I asked if Igor was cooking today, I turned back to you and I know I saw a smile, it was fleeting out of the corner of my eye but it was there, damn it!
I think the lag from the flight and all the booze finally caught up to me because I laid down just to rest my eyes and woke in the dark, if I told you just what hearing that little snore of yours meant to me in that moment, you'd have me committed right beside you.
For just a few minutes before I dropped back off, it was you and I back in the Swamp, I was home…that festering pit of vermin, roaches and mosquitoes and on the occasion a rat or two, and I got nostalgic for it. We get pretty damned screwed up don't we?
Look who I'm talking to…
Here I am writing this to you by the first light of morning, I am grateful for that nap because after the blow hit last night, sleep was the least of my worries.
---
The crash nearly caused Pierce to fall out of the small bed. He set up with his heart thudding against his breast bone; another flash revealed that it was a storm at full pitch beyond the wire enforced glass. He could hear the accompanying bedlam up and down the corridor with the murmur of nurses checking in on ex-soldiers with shattered nerves, one of whom sounded as if he needed sedation from the shouts and activity, the night shift goon squad probably held him down for the shot. Pierce had gotten a good look at the knuckle draggers earlier when he made the phone calls.
He turned to check on his friend as yet another flash and rolling crash revealed that BJ's bed was empty.
Pierce launched himself off of the cot to check the door thinking that BJ might have gone to the lavatory down the hallway, but then he heard it.
It was a whimper, it was hard to triangulate, but another flash revealed a shadow under BJ's bed curled into a ball.
Pierce immediately went to his knees and crawled to his friend. He could not see anything but the top of his head and his knees, everything else was wrapped up in his long arms and legs.
"Beej…it's just the storm, pal, just a little lightning. You're okay," he did his best to say in his most comforting voice.
He reached out a laid his hand on BJ's trembling head, smoothing the hair attempting to give what help he could.
"It's okay, Beej, I'm here, your old buddy Hawk, just calm down."
There was a sudden noise at the door; a nurse he had seen earlier stuck her head in. She was a very attractive brunette that Pierce had thought to possibly hit on but had yet to get around to it.
"Is he alright?" she called out as she walked over and turned on the small lamp on the desk.
Pierce checked his friend's forehead as he answered, "I just woke up myself; I think it's just the storm that's got him spooked."
His skills came to him as he diagnosed BJ's condition. He had seen enough shell-shocked kids to recognize the signs. "He's going into shock, we need to sedate him."
She looked a little startled at the we in his speech, but she got it together quickly, "I'm cleared to give an injection, but a doctor will have to sign off on it."
There was another flash and crash from beyond the windows and BJ let out a small cry, to her credit she did not hesitate, "To hell with it, I'll be right back."
Pierce liked her, instantly, she was a good nurse, all business and he could hear the determination and compassion in her voice before she went for the injection against orders relying on his word alone.
He looked for a place to stick the needle, he was afraid they were going to have to force BJ to let them close to his body, however there was one site that his current curled up position was offering, by the time she came back with the syringe he was ready. "Let me."
Wordlessly she handed it over.
"Try to keep him calm," Pierce instructed knowing that the sudden pinch of a needle would probably cause a panic.
She spoke softly and rubbed BJ's shoulders.
"Shhhhhh, it's okay, we're not here to hurt you, shhhhhh," she crooned as she rubbed the back of his neck.
Pierce prepared to hurt his friend. "Hold his arms so he won't hurt himself while it's taking effect."
She looked a little dubious as she studied the trembling man. "He's out of his mind, right now, we need to get someone stronger."
As she rose to go, Hawk stopped her with a hand on her arm. "I don't want those gorillas anywhere near BJ, you have to trust me…he would never hurt a woman, no matter how scared he is.
She studied his eyes a moment, and then turned to the task of comforting her patient.
He seemed to subside just enough that Pierce felt he was ready, with a nod to her, he inserted the syringe into the buttock muscle injecting and pulling out as quickly as possible, setting the needle to the side just before BJ began to thrash and panic.
The nurse, waiting for the reaction grabbed his hands at the wrist holding them together while Pierce immobilized his legs. Pierce watched his friend's terrified eyes as they focused and saw the nurse, to Pierce's relief he did not make a liar out of him. Even though every muscle was tensed for flight; BJ fought the impulse. His tremors grew worse. Pierce grew worried that they needed another stronger sedative and was about to call suggest it when BJ's tension diminished and tapered off, and he went limp.
His friend's jaw unclenched and his eyes rolled back, and he surrendered to unconsciousness, looking so worn out and tired that Pierce immediately checked his neck for a pulse. It was elevated but reassuringly strong, whatever was wrong with BJ's mind, his body was still sound.
Pierce relaxed realizing that he was clenching his own jaw so hard it hurt.
"Do we need some help to get him back into bed?" the nurse asked, her voice betraying her tender heart. He turned to her and was touched by the tear streak on her cheek.
"I can do it," he replied as he slid his friend out from under the bed, gathered him into his arms and used his legs to get him aloft, the real truth of the predicament came home to him when he realized how underweight BJ was, he must have lost thirty pounds and the man did not have that to lose. Fortunately for his buddy's modesty, he wore t-shirt and boxers to bed; he knew that BJ would have been mortified if he had been naked in front of any woman but Peg, even if she was a nurse who had seen it all before.
She expertly smoothed and arranged the covers so they were ready, and with her help they managed to get BJ under and covered. Pierce tucked him in.
"Sleep well, Beej," he said laying a hand against his friend's cool cheek, the storm had cooperated by blowing itself out, which brought a bitter ironic smile to Pierce's lips and now there was only rain pattering against the pane.
He realized his adrenaline had kicked in and he was wired, there was no way he was going back to sleep now, and since he had fallen asleep in his clothes at least he was not embarrassed by being bare-assed in front of this lady.
"He never pulled away once when he saw who it was that had him, even out of his head with fright, he was a gentleman," she said as she turned out the light, "you were right."
She reached out and wiped something on Pierce's cheek, with a start he realized that she had not been the only one shedding tears.
"Are you okay?' she asked him.
Pierce wiped his eyes angrily, "I'm fine, just mad, at all this."
She checked her watch, "I'm due for a coffee break, want to talk about it?"
He checked BJ to see that his friend was truly sound and gone and breathing evenly.
"Sure."
They were headed for the door when she made the comment, "You know…your friend, I check on him every night and I've always thought he has kind of a cute snore."
Pierce smirked. "I think so too."
She gave him an alarmed look; he decided to have some fun with her.
"We've spent a lot of nights together."
Her eyebrows went even farther up her forehead.
He flashed her one of his boyish smiles. "We served together for the better part of Korean War, believe me, it's a long story."
She nodded with the beginnings of a smile, "I've got time for one of those too."
---
I know as you read this that you are probably rolling your eyes that I left you there and went down to the commissary with a nurse, probably give me that old BJ smirk and stage sigh as you pointedly straighten out the latest letter from home. You were always such a jerk BJ Hunnicutt, probably why I liked you from the start.
---
The commissary coffee was foul sludge that belonged in the bottom of a rusty oil drum, in other words…perfect.
Pierce savored his cup as she sat across from him, the silence they shared was companionable, and it was like they had formed a relationship in the heat of battle, which they did in a way.
Her name was Polly Smith, and she turned out to be the head nurse for the floor. She asked another nurse, who she assured Pierce was competent and gentle, to check on BJ until she returned.
Her eyes were a pretty brown, but they were sharp and perceptive, crows-feet at the corner showed that she was near Pierce's age.
"Tell me about your friend, Doctor Pierce, he's been here for weeks and since the visitors all come on days, we don't know the first thing about him, except what's on the chart, we've taken to calling him sleeping Prince Charming," she remarked staring at Pierce over the rim of her cup. "All I know is that he is movie star handsome, has knock-out blue eyes, and a friend who is willing to stay here in this block of cement just in the off chance he'll recover. I keep finding myself wondering who deserves this level of devotion."
Pierce waggled his eyebrows Groucho style. "You asked me to coffee just to ask me about my friend, I can't believe it, he's comatose and he's still getting more action than me."
Her smile was telling. "Oh I don't know, we'll start with him but we'll get around to you eventually."
"It's a date," he replied with that boyish smile that he had perfected in Korea.
"Maybe," she replied with a coy wink.
"I think I'm love, could you be my Gracie?"
"Your name sure ain't George," she shot back with no hesitation, "and we are off the subject."
They exchanged a smile, and then Pierce gave in.
Pierce tried to sum up BJ best he could. "Have you ever met someone who was so damned perfect that you just wanted give them a pinch to see if they're real, but then they turn out to be just that and it makes you angry that you can't find a reason to not like them because of it?"
She thought for a few moments, and then shook her head, "No…never."
Pierce grinned at her honesty. "Well neither had I, then I met this kid fresh off the boat, handsome, intelligent, great surgeon like few I have ever seen, and married to his high school sweetheart with a baby in the cradle…oh, and a genuine wise ass of the first order to boot."
She looked appalled. "What was he doing in Korea?"
"To this day, I still don't know," Pierce admitted, sighing, "they drafted Mr. All-American-apple-pie, stuck him in a war zone with just his wits, separated him from the love of his life and his little baby girl and surprise, surprise he gets back home and winds up here. It's like God was having a very bad day and landed on the one guy that didn't deserve it."
He winced at his own bitter tone, and glanced back across the table heartened to see that she was just as outraged as he. "That has got to be one of the worst things I've ever heard, and believe me I have heard some tales of woe. How did he handle it?"
Pierce grew frustrated and pushed the empty coffee cup away. "Maybe he didn't, we are here, after all."
"Is he still married?" she asked as she took another sip.
"He sure is, her name is Peggy, and their little girl Erin is beautiful," he said with a fond smile.
She grinned back. "He stayed true then."
"One mishap, he went to comfort a nurse who got a Dear John through the mail that she was being divorced, he just wanted to see if she was alright and gave her a hug…things got out of hand, it haunted him for years, told Peggy first night he was back home then had the gall to ask if she wanted to divorce him because of it."
To her credit Polly found that just as funny as Pierce had, chucking so much that he had to join her.
"The one time he slipped up was because he was being chivalrous to a maiden in distress? My God, we were right, he is Prince Charming, no wonder you were so sure he wouldn't hurt me," she said as she wiped her tears of mirth with a napkin from the table. She folded it and her eyes grew sad. "He fought that hard to keep his humanity, and now he can't even sit through a thunder storm without sedation, I've never hated war so much as I do right this moment."
"Here, here," Pierce said holding up his empty coffee cup; she clicked rims and she drank the rest of hers.
Pierce placed a tentative hand over hers. "So can we get back to me now?" he remarked with a sly grin.
She pulled her hand away but not in an unfriendly manner. "How about we take a rain check, I think you're really something, Doctor Pierce, and I want to know how all this turns out, but right now you are so worried about your friend that you're trying to medicate it with me."
He leaned back and sighed. "You've been on the Merry-go-Round more than once, haven't you?"
Her chuckle had a bitter edge. "You would be surprised."
"Can I at least get you to call me, Hawkeye? They call my dad Doctor Pierce," he said giving her his most pitiful puppy eyes.
She stood to go, slipping her purse strap over her shoulder. "That's not unreasonable; if you can tell me what BJ stands for, Hawkeye, there's been an unproductive debate among the nurses that I would like to put the kibosh on, and call me curious."
He laughed. "I'll walk you up, Curious, because that information requires another story and you are going to like this."
---
Yes you got that right, Beej, the mighty Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce was shot down in flames. I think she just wanted to get to know her patient better; she was that kind of nurse, the kind that really genuinely cares about the patient, and since you could not tell her anything about yourself, I was the closest she could come to it.
I believe she and I will get around to the rain check one of these days, but that is far down the list of priorities, I just want to get you home.
If you laugh that she used me to get to you, I'll never speak to you again, even if you start talking.
After I arrived back to the room, I thought the festivities were over, but there was one last drama to play out…oh and I think you finally gave me a clue.
---
Pierce lay in the darkness, he had finally removed his rumpled clothes, but his mind was still going full blast. He contemplated his friend in the dim light from the hallway. Sometime while he was gone, Bj had turned onto his side away from the door.
Thinking about his words to Polly
God had a bad day…
He found himself wishing Father Mulcahy was here. The little man never made excuses for his boss, expressing his own doubts in a very human manner, but he always said that faith was something you chose, and that he believed that Pierce would get there someday.
He turned back to his friend and saw a shift in the shoulders and heard a low voice muttering, talking in his sleep like men do in the throes of a vivid nightmare.
He crossed the short distance.
He heard an anguished murmur. "I can't save them, I just can't save them all, and someone always dies, always, I just can't save them, why can't I save them…"
He laid a hand on BJ's shoulder, he knew he had to ask, he might not get another chance.
"Who, BJ, who can't you save?" he whispered.
"I cut the line, Hawk, I did it, with my own hands…"
There was a hitch and shudder, and Pierce heard a sound he recognized, having heard it before and his heart broke…he made a decision, appearances be damned, he slipped into the bed behind BJ and wrapped an arm around his convulsing chest, holding him close, giving him what meager comfort he had.
"Shhhhhhh, I'm here, you're okay…" he whispered in his friend's ear.
There he stayed until BJ cried himself back to sleep, and silently prayed for the first time since before he set foot in Korea, listening to that familiar snore until the sun broke through the window.
Story Notes: Okay here it is. Mister Sensitive typing...I got choked up as I wrote this.
Standing by it...100%
Bart