Chapter 4 - Unworthy
She knew everything about werewolves. All the books she had read helped her understand what Remus went through; the pain, the exhaustion, the scars. But why didn't he talk to her about it? Why didn't he kiss her when she felt like he wanted to? Was it because of that? Did he even feel anything for her? Was she silly to think that Remus gave her signs of having feelings for her? She had so many questions flooding her head that she only wanted to scream out loud.
The next day Cassandra tried to make eye contact with Remus in class, but he succeeded in not looking at her at all. He kept on with his DADA class hoping that Cassandra would not raise her hand to ask or say something. That would only make him want to look at her for the rest of the day, once he saw her beautiful face. He wanted it all to stop, for her sake, so he tried his best to keep her away.
''He doesn't like me, why would I even think that? I'm so stupid. Stupid for thinking he could possibly like me. I always do this'' Cassandra told Anna on their way to their room. She was exhausted from so much thinking.
''I don't think you should jump to conclusions so fast. You don't know what's in his head, maybe he is ignoring you for a reason'' Anna replied.
''I think I have the right to know that reason.'' Cassandra said irritated.
She sat on the sofa in front of the fire and warmed herself. She closed her eyes and went back to the moment his lips almost touched hers, to the way it felt to have him so close. A tear made its way down her cheek when suddenly Anna clapped her hands to wake Cassandra up.
''Don't consume yourself on that too much yet, you don't know any details. Come on, you need to eat. It's dinner time'' Anna wanted Cassandra to be together with the man who made her happy, no matter the age, his situation or his past life. She knew Cassandra was a romantic, and she knew so well the difference between how her best friend acted when she had a crush and how she acted when she was really, absolutely in love. And this time she knew Cassandra was in love with professor Lupin.
Cassandra followed Anna to the Great Hall. She looked at the Head Table, he was eating slowly, staring at nothing. Cassandra wanted to make eye contact with him, to smile at him and receive one back. She wanted to live that feeling of calmness when he smiled at her. It didn't happen.
The next day Remus wasn't present, which made Cassandra realize it was Thursday, full moon. The only thing she had in mind all day was him. She wanted him to be safe.
When the night came Cassandra couldn't make herself to fall asleep. Early in the morning when the sun came up, she put on some clothes and went to wander the corridors. She was next to Lupin's office when she saw Sirius coming out of there.
He stopped, greeted her with a nod, sighed and told her calmly: ''He passed out, he needs sleep. And as much as he would never say this himself, he needs someone and that someone is not me. Not this time. Go, I will not say a word to him or anyone else''
Sirius made a great friend. Cassandra admired him so much and hoped that one day she could sit at a table with him and Remus and listen to all the funny stories they has to say.
Without a blink of an eye Cassandra reached to open the door.
''Oh and Cassandra? Do not..get scared at the sight. He's been in a fight.'' Sirius told her then turned around and disappeared.
She nodded then entered the office, trying a few doors before actually finding the one leading to Remus' room. When finally in his bedroom, she sighed, feeling tears forming.
He was almost naked, only his underwear on. However, that was the last thing she thought about. His stomach, chest and arms were full of wounds, some of them deep and covered in dried blood. She covered his underbody with a blanket, then damped a towel. Before doing anything, Cassandra used a spell on his wounds, to make them hurt less and to close them a bit more. She slowly started to clean the wounds, one by one, as carefully as possible. She could almost feel the pain he went through. She looked at his sleeping face. Dried lips, frowning eyebrows, scratches on his cheeks. He didn't deserve any of that. Cassandra cleaned his wounds, then put a shirt on him. Although the sight of him being physically hurt made Cassandra hurt inside, she still sat there caressing his beautiful face. At the moment Remus started to move, she kissed his cheek and left.
She had never felt that tired during classes as she did that day. She did not get one single hour of sleep that night. The only thing that made her happy was that she was able to take care of Remus.
The next day, expecting to see Snape take over the DADA class, Remus came in to Cassandra's surprise. He looked much better than the day before and the scratches on his face were not as visible. The class went fast, too fast for Cassandra.
''Enjoy the rest of the day everyone! Miss Williams, may I please talk to you?'' Lupin said, which made Cassandra freeze and feel a knot in her throat.
When everyone left, Remus looked at the brown haired girl in front of him. She looked a bit messy, but so stunning. She had a normal bomull black dress, black tights and Converse on.
''I know'' he said.
''You know what?'' Cassandra looked at him.
''I know it was you who stayed with me yesterday morning''
''I don't know what you're talking about?'' she tried so hard to act like she didn't know, but failed.
''Cassandra..don't lie to me. I just know it.'' Lupin answered softly.
''How?'' she gave up playing theatre.
''Lavender. Your scent is in my pillow, in my shirt, in me..And I felt you, I know those warm palms, I know they couldn't have been Sirius' or someone else's. And you think I did not feel your kiss on my cheek? You spent the morning taking care of my wounds, Cassandra?'' he asked.
''I did. I'm sorry if you wish it didn't happen..I jus-''
''Do not apologise.'' He interrupted. ''I am thankful for that. You made most of the pain go away. Thank you, Cassandra. I am the one who should say sorry'' The confusion on her face showed him that he should go on.
''I am sorry for being what I am'' he looked down.
''No. You should not be sorry for that!'' Cassandra raised her voice a bit.
''I..'' Remus tried to reply.
''You should be sorry for making me think you could possibly have feelings for me. I thought you wanted me. All those moments when you were so close to kissing me..You didn't actually want to do it.'' she said feeling her face getting warmer.
''I did. I still do. It's what I have wanted to do since I first saw you.'' he told her, pain in his voice.
''Then why didn't you do it, Remus?'' she snapped back almost crying.
''Because I don't want you to be in love with a werewolf'' he said, coming closer to her.
''I already am. If you actually talked to me about it, you would've known that I read about werewolves, that I think they are fascinating animals.'' she said, now losing control over her tears.
''I was afraid that you would hate me. What am I saying? I wouldn't blame you. I've been alone for so extremely many years that it wouldn't shock me if you wanted to never see me again after finding out what I am a beast. No one wants to.''
''I would never see you as a beast, Remus. You're not a beast. You can't blame yourself for something you can't control'' she told him leaning against a desk. She almost lost hope. She felt that he would not change his mind. And most of all, she knew that he would not kiss her in that moment..not ever.
''You deserve someone young and whole. I'm too old for you, too poor, too dangerous. I'm unclean, unworthy..'' Remus said, wishing he could stop his words coming out of his mouth. But he knew he had to tell her everything. He wanted her to be happy and forget about him, as much as it hurt.
He didn't know she would only be happy with him.
Hearing those words, Cassandra couldn't feel more anger. How could he see himself like that? How did he not realize how much she felt for him? She stood up and took a few steps towards the door.
''You deserve much better'' he said while looking at her heading towards the door. Did he really want to let her go?
''But I only want you'' she said leaving the room, looking at him one last time before closing the door behind her.. She was angry, sad and disappointed.