A/N: Wow, I have been surprisingly good with updates lately! Hopefully that will last because Winter Break begins on Friday! I know that this song is pretty recent, but I never implied that he's singing the actual song, so let's just make-believe, here. I hope my failed attempt at humor wasn't that much of a failed attempt. I'd love to hear from all my wonderful readers and tell me what you think!
Sexy And I Know It
(LMFAO)
Monday, October 26th, 2010
"Rise and shine, beautiful! It's Monday!" I groaned as Antonio ripped the warm white sheets from the bed and started to shiver.
"'M cold," I grumbled, curling up into a tight ball. "'S too early. Don't wanna get up."
"That's too bad, because it's already seven o'clock!" He said, sounding slightly exasperated. I frowned (yes, it's possible to frown with your eyes closed!). That was an unusual voice.
Wait.
Did he say seven o'clock?
On a Monday morning?
Oh shit.
I jumped out of bed and practically threw myself in the shower, nearly tripping over the pile of blankets on the floor in the meanwhile. I had to be at work in an hour, and it was a half hour drive just to get there. Without traffic, that is. I couldn't be late again, otherwise my boss would be veryupset.
Livid, more likely. He was a very angry man.
So I rushed through my shower, and while trying to pull my pants up, I was brushing my teeth at the same time, hopping around the bathroom like a madman. Suddenly Antonio popped up out of nowhere (actually, he probably came in through the open bathroom door) and put his hands on my shoulders, stopping my frantic scrambling.
"What are you doing, you bastard? Do you want me to get fired for being late?" I snarled. Too bad the effect was lost because I had my toothbrush in my mouth, and it probably sounded more like "Wh r ou dng u btfdcgdsgs?" and there was no doubt a disgusting trail of toothpaste dripping from my mouth.
Repulsive.
"Lovino, I have absolutely no idea what you just said, but I set out a shirt for you on the bed and I made you some coffee and toast to take to work with you. It's sitting on the counter downstairs, and I have to leave in a few minutes," Antonio said, eyeing the toothpaste all over my face. I grimaced and washed my mouth off in the sink.
"Alright, thanks," I muttered. Antonio smiled and wrapped his arms around my naked torso, pulling me into a warm embrace.
"Have a good day at work, sweetie," he said, pressing our lips together. Sowarm,sogood,so- he broke the kiss and left my head reeling and a dazed look in my eyes.
"Well, I'd better get going," he whispered, pecking my cheek before dashing off. I blinked, then slapped myself for being so stupid. It's not like he'd never kissed me before, something just seemed different about that kiss. More desperate. On both our parts.
I bit the inside of my lip before realizing oh shit I have to go or else I'm going to be really late to work.
At lightning speed, I put my shirt on (not backwards this time, dammit) and sprinted downstairs so fast I could be a competitor in the Olympics. I grabbed the food Antonio had left for me, and my car keys from the key holder thing on the wall and dashed out to my car.
Sticking the keys in the ignition, I sped out of the garage and down the road, letting out a sigh of relief. It was only seven-twenty.
When I pulled up to the parking lot next to my building, it was already 7:55. I quickly parked and fast walked into the building, greeting the Estonian receptionist with a wave. Sadly, he was one of the only people I worked with whom I actually tolerated and liked.
The traffic getting to work had been bad, and I was afraid I wasn't going to make it in time, but miraculously I made it with five minutes to spare. And since my boss didn't know how close I was to being late, I was safe.
For now.
Until lunch break, at the latest.
I started to sift through the large pile of mail. Complaints, requests, reminders, the usual. Nothing interesting. Throwing the pile back onto the desk, I sat down and turned on my computer, only to be greeted with a large message in neon green letters on my screen stating: "HEY LOVINO! DON'T FORGET I'M COMING OVER TOMORROW TO INSTALL THE NEW SOFTWARE :))) I KNOW YOU SAW THIS, SO COME TO MY CUBICLE AT EXACTLY 9:59! IF YOU DON'T COME, YOU CAN'T PRETEND YOU DIDN'T GET THE MESSAGE!"
I scowled at the message on the screen. Though I really didn't want to go see him, I knew that the consequences would be more severe if I didn't go. So I decided that I would go see what the fuck he wanted only to have to put up with him at my house the next day. Fuck Mr. Kirkland and his new software.
Luckily, I was able to get rid of the obnoxious message from Alfred that made my eyes hurt fairly easily, so I didn't have to ask him to remove its ugliness from my computer. Damn American was the most annoying thing in this office.
When I had moved in with Antonio, I had been dumbfounded when I saw how terribly decorated his house had been. Within two weeks, I had improved its looks greatly. Antonio had been so amazed with my work, and when we moved back to Italy, he insisted on me becoming an interior designer. Not to say, that was probably the gayest job I could ever have. At least it wasn't as lame as what Feliciano did. He went to college to become a pastahistorian.That's right, he spent his time researching the history and origins of pasta.
Because that wasn't enough time for him, he was also a cook. And damn, he was a good cook. But I was better.
Still. A pastahistorian. I shuddered inwardly at the thought. Who would have known someone as awesome as me could be related to someone as lame as Feliciano?
…
Fuck, I was starting to sound like Gilbert. I paled, not even wanting to compare myself to that albino freak. God, There was possibly nothing worse than comparing someone who was actually awesome to someone who sat on his couch with a bowl full of mashed potatoes and watching old German- excuse me, Prussian- war movies and bawling his eyes out. Every weekend. I knew because he would often ask Antonio to come over, and I would get dragged along.
If he loved Germa- Prussia that damn much, why didn't he live in Germany, you ask? Don't worry, I ask myself that, too. Apparently the reason is that "he's an awesome big brother who needs to look out for his not-so-awesome little bro and his boyfriend." So we all had to put up with the nuisance that was a second wurst freak living in Italy.
Now you all know why my life sucks so much.
By the time 9:55 rolled around, I had just been finishing up the design on my computer when suddenly another message popped up on the screen, this time in a blinding aqua color. I jumped out of my seat because it even came with sound effects. Quickly, before anybody came to see what the commotion was about, I turned off the sound on my computer and looked around hastily. Apparently I wasn't the only one who received a notification, because I could hear at least two other computers emitting what sounded like squeaky circus music. I grimaced at the harsh sound and read the message.
"NOW I KNOW YOU CAN'T GET OUT OF THIS 'CUZ I KNOW YOU ALL GOT THIS FOR SURE! YOU BETTER START HEADING OVER HERE 'CUZ I'VE GOT SOMETHING TO SHOW YOU!"
Glaring at the evil message like it was sent from Satan himself (which it practically was), I saved my hard work and stood up, shoving my chair into the desk, before stomping over to Alfred's cubicle. There was already a small crowd forming, and nobody looked pleased. Except for the women. A few of them were giggling and whispering to each other, so I moved closer to get a better look.
Holy.
Fucking.
Shit.
My jaw must have hit the floor in that instant. Alfred was laying on his desk in nothing but a speedo, a rose clenched between his teeth. I think he was going for 'sexy' but it didn't quite work, because he was giggling more than I thought possible for a man. He must have removed the thorns from the stem; otherwise his tongue would have been overflowing with blood because that rose kept slipping.
Before I could ask anybody what was going on (they all looked as confused as I felt), Mr. Kirkland stormed into the cubicle, pushing his way through the crowd.
"Alfred, whatis the meaning of all this commotion? You are causing a disrup-" And then his jaw dropped even lower than mine. If it hadn't been attached to his face, I swear it would have hit the floor and shattered.
"Wh- Wha- W-what is the meaning of this?" His face turned so red that it could compete with mine, and Alfred smirked. Well, as best as he could with a flower in his mouth. "Explain!"
Then Alfred stood up on top of his desk, taking the flower out of his mouth.
"I'm sexy and I know it!" He pointed at someone I couldn't see and music started to blast through all the computers.
Even the muted ones.
And he started to dance.
All of us stared at him, completely baffled. He started with a simple pelvic thrust in Mr. Kirkland's direction, then started to do some weird hip-hop routine, which didn't go over so well on the desk, and he fell off with a loud thud. No one said anything, and suddenly the music was silenced. I think Mr. Kirkland fainted.
While the whole office was silent, minus Alfred's mumbling, our evil boss managed to stand back up, and this time he looked furious.
"ALFRED!" he shouted, thoroughly pissed off. "I WANT TO SEE YOU IN MY OFFICE IN TWO MINUTES. WITH CLOTHES ON!"
"But Artie!" the American groaned, poking his head up from behind his desk. A nice bruise was beginning to form on his forehead. "I know you like me like this!"
"You-!" Mr. Kirkland looked like his was about to blow a fuse, but he turned around and stormed off, back to his office. "TWO MINUTES! AND THE REST OF YOU MORONS! IF YOU'RE NOT BACK IN YOUR CUBICLES IN THIRTY SECONDS, YOU'RE ALL FIRED!" Everyone blinked, still in shock, but then ran to their desks before we could find out if his threat was valid or not. Nobody bothered to stick around and see what would become of Alfred, but I caught a glimpse of Toris, a rather quiet co-worker, shuffling away carrying some sort of electrical equipment. Huh.
Warily, I sat back down at my desk and started to add the finishing touches to the project I had been working on before Alfred's little show.
As soon as I opened the program, I heard some sort of muffled moaning coming from the other side of the room.
Shit.
Not again. I groaned, and heard people whispering to other co-workers, asking if any of them had a spare pair of earplugs.
I whipped out my iPod and shoved the headphones in my ears, turning the music up as loud as I could without ruining my hearing.
Alfred and the boss were at it again. And it was only Monday.
Turns out, Mr. Kirkland must have been more turned on by Alfred's display than he let on.
It was going to be a long day- no, long week- for all of us.
Once again, I was in trouble before lunch break. At least, my work comfort level was in trouble.
Things like that should not be going on in a workplace.
When the end of the day came around, everyone was leaving at around the same time, exchanging sorrowful glances with each other. No one said a word, still traumatized by what had happened earlier. I had a feeling that nobody would be able to forget the events of that day anytime soon.
Just then, I almost slammed my head against the nearest wall, because I remembered that Alfred wouldbecomingovertomyhousethenextdaytoinstallaprogramthatwouldenableallofustocommunicateeasilyoutsideofwork.
As if I thought my week couldn't get any worse that it had started out to be.
Oh, I was wrong.
I was so horribly, terribly wrong.
This was only the beginning of the biggest nightmare known to mankind. "The American."
Yeah, it was bad.
I slammed the door behind me, hanging my coat up on the rack. Antonio looked up from the kitchen table, where he had been reading a magazine, and cocked an eyebrow at me in surprise.
"You're home early," he commented, standing up to greet me- or so I thought. But instead, he stayed where he was and crossed his arms. I paused where I was.
"Yeah."
"Did something happen?"
"Trust me, you'd be happier not knowing what happened today. And I'd rather not think about it ever again."
"Well, you could have called and told me you were coming home early." I frowned at the slightly annoyed tone he was using.
"Why do I need to call?" I demanded, still not moving.
"I could have been doing something. I could have had dinner ready." This was weird.
"Whatever. I'm home early, now you know. I'm going to change. By the way, Alfred is coming over tomorrow to install something in the computer for work." I all but ran up the stairs to get away from Antonio as quickly as I possibly could. He was acting strange, and I didn't know why. Normally, he would be ecstatic if I came home early from work. That would leave more time for us to do things.
Apparently not tonight.
Maybe he'd had a bad day. His favorite TV show had been cancelled. The grocery store was out of sugar to make churros. Or he was going to surprise me with something big, but I had walked in before he could put his plan into action. That hadn't been the first time.
But he hadn't looked disappointed, he had looked angry. Antonio was never angry with me. Ever. No matter what I did, he never got mad at me. Only then did I realize I was hyperventilating, I took a deep gulp of air. I needed to stop overreacting.
Everythingwillbebetterinthemorning, I told myself. Though I couldn't convince myself that it was true.
I don't know how much time passed while I was standing behind the bedroom door, but Antonio never once came to check on me, even though I told him I was going to change out of my work clothes.
Okay, there was no denying it.
There was definitely something wrong; something very, very non-Antonio like going on, and I had absolutely no idea what was wrong. Not even a guess.
Unless I had done something to upset him between yesterday and tonight, but he had been perfectly fine this morning. Almost too fine.
Like he was pretending.
…
Oh, god.