Genre: Humour/Parody
Disclaimer: I do not own Gintama or any of the characters.
When It's Mother's Day, Don't Ask The Shinsengumi For Anything
It was a special day for the entire world.
It was Mother's Day.
In accordance with the honorary day for all the mothers in the world, the Yorozuya Gin-chan have consented to present a Gintama special just for this particular occasion. Dressed smartly in suits and ties, they were seated around a grandiose-looking table on luscious-looking chairs. There was a sealed box lying right in the middle of the table, with a tag stating 'Happy Mother's Day' stuck on the side of it. The lighting in the room was exceptionally pleasant, not to mention a fragrant aroma that smells of roses. This event has been brought to you by the well-wishing folks at Aniplex-
"Oi! Stop making up stuff!" Sakata Gintoki shouted, distinctly disgruntled. "What do you mean by a grandiose-looking table and luscious-looking chairs? We are just seated around the usual brown table, with the damn floor supporting our asses!"
"Yeah!" Kagura quipped irritably. "What do you mean by 'pleasant lighting' and 'fragrant aroma'? The lights are out because we could not afford the electricity bill this month, and the room just smells of an old man's armpit, uh-huh."
"Why do we have to wear such formal suits in our own office?" Shinpachi demanded, sweating profusely. "With the lights out, we have to resort to using a freaking candle to even see each other! There's no air-conditioner, and the fan can't be switched on! What kind of treatment is this?"
"Anime cruelty, that's what it is," Gintoki snorted, getting to his feet. "Let's go, Patsuan, Kagura-chan. I'm not staying for this farce any longer! Happy Mother's Day special…? More like Anime Cruelty Day to me!"
Shinpachi and Kagura began to get to their feet, before a voice from the background cooed to them. The trio were pretty disinterested in the first place, but were soon paying rapt attention to the voice.
"I guess we will just have to stick this out, then," Gintoki grunted, sitting down on his original position. "It's Happy Mother's Day, after all. I can't have my parfaits running away, can I-"
A voice from the background inexplicitly asked him to quieten down.
"Why are you so secretive, Director?" Kagura picked her nose, looking at the background curiously. "You clearly bribed us with yearly supplies of parfaits, sukonbu and otaku CDs, yup. Why else we will stay for this thing?"
"Cut it out!" the director's voice echoed. "Cut that part out! We can't have readers seeing that!"
There were a few scuffles in the background.
"It can't be cut out, Director!" a shrill voice sounded. "The author refuses to delete that particular section!"
"What?" the director rasped. "Could this be… the power of the fourth wall?"
"You are breaking it yourself!" Shinpachi yelled. "You are not supposed to enter the world of anime characters as well, idiot!"
"What are we supposed to do?" a gruff voice sounded from the background. "Do we restart this whole thing, or…"
There was a pregnant pause.
"No," the director said firmly. "For the sake of mothers all around the world, we can't afford to do that. We have to get this thing done before the day ends! Crew, let's work at it!"
There were teary murmurs of assent in the background as cameras and whatnot started revving up again.
"Why are you crying?" Shinpachi blustered. "All he told you to do was to work at it! That was what you were supposed to do in the first place!"
It was a special day for the entire world.
It was Mother's Day.
In accordance with the honorary day for all the mothers in the world, the Yorozuya Gin-chan have consented to present a Gintama special just for this particular occasion. Dressed smartly in suits and ties, they were seated around a grandiose-looking table on luscious-looking chairs. There was a sealed box lying right in the middle of the table, with a tag stating 'Happy Mother's Day' stuck on the side of it. The lighting in the room was exceptionally pleasant, not to mention a fragrant aroma that smells of roses. This event has been brought to you by the well-wishing folks at Aniplex-
"Oi, didn't you say that you weren't going to restart it?" Gintoki shouted, a vein throbbing at his forehead. "What's with your wishy-washiness? It's as if you don't wash your hands after going to the toilet!"
"I think that's just you, Gin-san," Shinpachi said, his right eye twitching. "I don't think there's anyone else who will feel wishy-washy if they don't wash their hands."
"What are we supposed to do anyway?" Kagura inquired, gazing at the background. "What's this box for?"
"There are letters of appreciation in the box," the director called. "You are supposed to pick some at random and read them aloud. They will convey the heartfelt emotions we have for mothers all around the world."
"Didn't we do this before?" Gintoki demanded. "Where's the originality? Have humans run out of creative juices?"
"This was kind of thought up on the spot," the director said apologetically. "We didn't really have time to brainstorm-"
There was a muffling sound.
"You said it, didn't you?" Shinpachi yelled, pointing accusingly at the background. "You just admitted something that will get all the bad ratings up in one shot!"
"Cut it out!" the director's voice echoed. "Cut that part out! We can't have readers seeing that!"
There were a few scuffles in the background.
"It can't be cut out, Director!" a shrill voice sounded. "The author refuses to delete that particular section!"
"What?" the director rasped. "Could this be… the power of the fourth wall-"
"Stop reusing the same sections over and over again!" Shinpachi yelled. "It's irritating to the eyes!"
Gintoki snorted, reaching for the box in the middle.
"Let's just get this thing done over with, Patsuan," he said drearily. "My parfaits are waiting for me."
The silver-haired samurai withdrew a piece of paper from the box, unfolded it and proceeded to read the contents aloud.
Dear Mother,
I can't even begin to express all the gratitude I have had for you since I was born. You clothed me, fed me, taught me from right to wrong and guided me through the right path. I will be eternally indebted to your benevolence.
The least I could say are three words.
You get me up.
Love, XXXXX XXXX
The very air seemed to freeze. The Yorozuya Gin-chan's faces began to darken tautly.
"What's wrong?" the director asked worriedly after a period of stoic silence. "Continue reading those letters-"
"Like hell we could!" Gintoki yelled, scrunching up the piece of paper and hurling it out of the open window. "That was wrong in every single way, idiot! Who the hell will say those words to their own mother? Besides, that was four words, not three words! Argghhh, I'm getting so irritated!"
"Can I rip this whole set apart, Gin-chan?" Kagura asked threateningly, cracking her knuckles. "This must be some sort of secret ****, yup."
"I don't really want to know what's behind those censors, Kagura-chan," Shinpachi said weakly. "It might just cause the rating to escalate to M… Anyways, why are letters like that in the box? We can't possibly read that stuff on the net!"
"Why?" the director inquired. "Is it really that touching? That's to be expected. I wrote it after all."
There was another freezing bout of silence as the trio stared at the background.
"What?" Kondo Isao protested. "The director can also write letters of appreciation-"
"Who appointed this gorilla in charge?" Gintoki yelled. "No wonder we could talk to the background in the first place! You were just anime characters!"
"No wonder I felt that there was something horribly wrong with this whole setup!" Shinpachi pointed accusingly. "Even those stingy people at Aniplex will give us a proper location to shoot this kind of things!"
"Can I rip this whole set apart, Gin-chan?" Kagura asked threateningly, cracking her knuckles. "This must be some sort of secret ****, yup."
"As I was saying, stop reusing the same lines!"
"Continue reading those letters, damn samurai," a gruff voice said. "The Shinsengumi are busy enough without these extra things to hinder us."
"Hijikata-san!" Shinpachi exclaimed. "What are you doing here?"
The vice-commander of the Shinsengumi took a long puff on his cigarette.
"I'm here to help Kondo-san, obviously," Hijikata Toshiro said. "Why else will I be here?"
"What the hell are you supposed to help with?" Gintoki blustered. "Besides, why are you guys even doing something like this? Go and patrol the streets, damn tax robbers!"
Kondo sighed.
"Yorozuya, to tell the truth," he said. "We received a request from a bunch of orphans yesterday. They wanted us to celebrate Mother's Day in their place. Even though they had no parents, they still wished the best for all the mothers in the entire world. We can't possibly refuse something like that, can we?"
The atmosphere had a heavy edge to it. Nobody knew what to say.
"Even so," Shinpachi broke the silence. "Why did you approach us to present this Gintama special?"
Kondo gazed out of the window, a faraway look in his eyes.
"I felt that you guys represented the ideals of those orphans," he said sombrely. "The three of you have also lost your mothers from a young age, after all. You will be able to understand their pain and emotions, and successfully bring out the perfect Gintama special. At least, that's how I feel."
"Kondo-san," Toshiro exhaled a stream of smoke. "Are you going to mention the fiasco with that woman?"
Kondo began to cough uncontrollably.
"It's fine, Toshi," he spluttered. "Even if Otae-san refuses to take the lead, her brother will be there to replace her-"
"Oi!" the Yorozuya Gin-chan shouted in protest. "You spoke some pretty words there, but we were actually a backup plan?
"Let's continue," Kondo cleared his throat and furrowed his eyebrows. "Every mother around the world is waiting for our special right now."
"Who will wait for such a crappy special?" Gintoki blustered. Grunting in irritation, he drew out another piece of paper and unfolded it.
"Whatever," he muttered. "I will just finish this whole thing fast and stock up on my sugar level."
The silver-haired samurai began to read off the piece of paper.
Dear Mother,
To be honest, I have always wanted to meet you. Even if you abandoned me at a young age, I have always wanted to meet you and speak to you.
You will be glad to know that your son had matured to be a fine man. I am now the leader of the Jouishishi(It's definitely not because I resent you to a terrorist degree. I swear it's not because I wanted to throw a bomb at the bitch who abandoned me heartlessly. Really!), and I'm working for a beneficial cause of the nation. Watch me, Mother, I will revamp this corrupted land from the inside and purge it of all the heartless mothers!
On another note, I am currently a standby for an anime called 'Gintama'. Even now, I'm on standby outside Gintoki's window, watching them voice my letter with a dramatic voice.
Hate- Love, XXXXXXX XXXXXX
The silver-haired samurai finished the letter and looked up, his eye twitching relentlessly.
"Aren't you going to arrest that idiot right now?" Gintoki inquired drearily. "He's right outside the window."
There was a gasp of shock. It had emerged from the window.
"How could you possibly know my location?" Katsura exclaimed. "I was sure I kept it a secret!"
"The only secret is the location of your brain," Gintoki sighed.
"Katsura!" Toshiro shouted, dashing across the room and leaping out of the window. "You are mine this time-"
He seemed to hang in mid-air.
"I will also like to know the location of your brain…" Gintoki commented. "It's open space right outside the window, idiot."
"You got tricked," Katsura laughed, floating with the help of a parachute. "You will never compare to my intellect, government's dogs-"
Toshiro grabbed onto the hem of his yukata.
"You are the biggest idiot I have ever seen, Zura," Kagura picked her nose listlessly. "He could just use you as support even if he falls."
"It's not Zura, it's Katsura!" the young noble of fury protested as he spiralled through the air, an enraged Toshiro hanging onto him for dear life.
"You are not getting away this time, Katsura!" Toshiro shouted. Their figures slowly diminished to a tiny speck in the distance.
Acting as though nothing had happened, Gintoki took the third piece of paper and unfolded it.
Dear Mother,
I love you, so could you send me some money? I am barely making a living right now. All I have got are 300 yen from the base of the vending machine.
Help, XXXXX
Gintoki's eye twitched relentlessly.
"Where the hell did you get all these letters from, stupid gorilla?" he shouted. "All we have got are lewd letters, hate mails and letters that ask for an allowance! How is this even related to Mother's Day? Why are we even doing this? How many more are we supposed to read?"
Kondo counted off his fingers.
"Maybe just fifty more," he said composedly.
The trio stared at him.
"What? Is it not enough?" Kondo inquired. "You could always do more-"
"It's fine, it's fine," Gintoki clutched his head wearily. "That's more than enough, really."
He withdrew yet another piece of paper and unfolded it.
"Let me make this clear," the silver-haired samurai said. "If this letter turns out to be another bogus one, we are quitting our jobs, you hear me? I don't care about the parfaits anymore."
Clearing his throat, he started to drone.
Dear Mother,
How has it been going, Mother? I hope you are well. It's been a long time since I met you, and I am missing you so much. Is the village still prim and proper? Is Father still healthy? There are so many questions I'm bursting to ask you, but there could only be so much in a letter.
Happy Mother's Day, Mother! For all the love you showered me with, for the education you paid through your pockets for and for all the pleasant food you have been sending me. No other mother in the world could compare to you in my eyes!-
Gintoki paused. He got to his feet.
Shinpachi stared at him cluelessly.
"Why did you stop, Gin-san?" he inquired curiously. "It seems like a proper letter to me."
The silver-haired samurai was looking particularly pissed off.
"Finish it, Patsuan," he said irritably.
Uncomprehending, Shinpachi picked up the piece of paper and continued reading. Every word seemed to elicit a sense of distaste.
…eyes! Well, perhaps Gin-san could. He has some skill with that **** of his and he could really **** with all his ******* ****. If you could **** me with that kind of intensity, you will be the perfect mother!
S & M, XX-XXXX
Shinpachi's face darkened, as did Kagura's. Without hesitation, they drove the camera crew out of their apartment, slamming the door after them with a loud bang.
"What kind of special is that...?" Shinpachi muttered as he tracked back to the office. "It's just preposterous- Gin-san? Where are you going?"
The silver-haired samurai scratched his hair.
"If I leave it to those idiots, they will never get the job done," he said, picking his nose. "I might as well do it myself, for a small price, of course."
Shinpachi and Kagura looked clueless at first, but slowly cracked into grins.
"I will go with you, Gin-san!" Shinpachi volunteered vigorously.
"Me too, Gin-chan!" Kagura quipped, raising her arm enthusiastically.
Gintoki stepped towards the threshold, opened the door and grinned.
"Let's go and accompany some kids for the day, shall we?"
A/N: Happy Mother's Day, guys! Hope you guys liked this special, and hope you guys will have a fruitful Mother's Day with your mothers! Cheers!