Chapter Three- 9 Crimes
October (Senior Year)
It had been three weeks and four days. It had been three weeks and four days since that day in the choir room between the two girls. Nearly four weeks without the incident ever being mentioned. Nearly four weeks and Noah Puckerman had still failed to return to McKinley. It had been nearly four weeks and Quinn Fabray had become a shadow of herself. She still smiled that wonderful smile, she still glowed that perfect porcelain colour; and she still arched that infamous brow as those vibrant hazel emeralds took you in. But what everyone failed to notice was the moment she thought no one was looking. The moment the girl held back a choke and glanced to the clouded window absent-mindlessly... a rare moment so beautiful, but so transcendent of her character, she revealed the shell of her soul that was left behind the armored mask. This was the moment that Rachel had observed for the last three weeks and four days. This was the hypnotic mystery the Brunette had allowed to take over her mind, and overwhelm her inner thoughts every time she sat in that AP English Literature class. -A class that normally revealed the intelligence and passion Quinn Fabray had been hiding, something Rachel had come to admire and respect her enemy for over the years. Something that now seemed but a distant memory.
"Rachel as interesting as the other side of the classroom is, I would rather you pay attention and tell me what I just asked you?" Miss Taylor had a habit of being particularly all seeing, something her and Quinn shared in common, 'must be a Book worm characteristic' Rachel told herself.
"Well technically speaking I found my interests peaked by a bird flying past the window, Miss Taylor. So naturally my mind flew in to a warp of thoughts related to 'To Kill A mockingbird' and how odd it is that the bird has no idea how famous it truly is, what with us all sat here reading about it as we speak." confident with her avoidance of humiliation Rachel perked herself up and smiled brightly only to frown as the rest of the room began to chuckle to themselves.
"Well 'technically' Rachel, that was a fascinating story. And I say 'story' as had you been paying attention, and not staring intently at whatever was so interesting about Miss Fabray today, you would have not failed to notice the book on your desk. -Somehow I feel 'To Kill A Mockingbird' was a relevant excuse last week, but seeing as today we're studying 'The Great Gatsby' now, the excuse unfortunately falls flat on itself." -Sure enough in front of her was the Fitzgerald classic novel. Immediately Rachel's face turned bright red as her students erupted in laughter.
'Oh well nicely played Rachel, if Quinn avoiding you before wasn't bad enough, now she thinks you're a creepy stalker! Maybe she didn't hear and she- nope oh lord she staring straight at me with that eye brow raised perfectly as per usual. Oh and she isn't even showing me any emotion! Is she happy, sad, amused...how am I supposed to tell when she insists on looking so darn poetic and glamorous at all times! Look at her, even when she has bloodshot, tired eyes she some how pulls it off. She loses weight and sleep, and is clearly not herself, and yet somehow she looks just as flawless in that white summer dress with her hair tied back in a bun as she would do was she attending the Oscars wearing Alexander McQueen'.
As the laughter died down Rachel realized, that unless she wanted to be branded a female clone to Jacob Ben Israel, she would need to finally talk to Quinn. Finally dealing with all this nonsense and ridiculous iron tension between the two of them. As she glanced up to the clock she took note that there was only twenty minutes left of the day. Twenty more minutes and the two of them would finally talk about what happened, and the truth that Quinn undoubtedly knows she now knows. Or at least if she didn't before, she most certainly did now due to the public revelation of Rachel's constant observations of the Blonde in class...
It's not like Quinn needed to be so wary of Rachel. Despite all of her annoying flaws, the one positive quality Rachel had was her unfaltering honesty. She promised she wouldn't say a word, and Quinn had to know she had meant it. Everyone knew that while a gossip was part of Rachel's genetics, the second she made a promise to keep a secret; she would keep that secret forever and take it to her grave if she had too. And from what Noah's note had said, Rachel suspected she most likely would have to do the very same with this secret as well.
September (Three weeks and Four days ago)
The harshly falling droplets pattered against the cars windows, and the dark cloud effectively left the inside of the car in near darkness. Rachel had been sat in the drivers seat to her car now for over forty minutes. Frozen in the same spot, head bowed down as her brown orbs remained locked at the item in her hands. Her clothes were now dry, and the torrential downfall outside seemed somewhat invisible to her. All Rachel could hear was her heart beating rapidly with anticipation as she focused on the folded piece letter tightly gripped in her tanned fingers.
She had two options...read it, or don't read it. She could open up her mind to Quinn's deepest thoughts and world, or she could accept that she had no place there. -But that was just the thing. She couldn't. For all of Rachel's might, she couldn't escape the feeling that maybe she had to be part of Quinn's world… maybe she needed to be. She closed her eyes and wrestled with her conscious, focusing on the cashmere darkness she found herself surrounded by. -That is, until she found her thoughts drifting back to that outstanding picture in her mind. Back to that small gap in the door of the choir room, and through it; the image of a black piano, and those delicate fingers upon it. Those fragile hands, that led to the body of that lonely and hurting Blonde in a white cardigan and short yellow dress. The picture perfect angel breaking... that was the Quinn, that Rachel couldn't let go of. That was the girl Rachel knew she had to help from whatever darkness was consuming her, with apparently only Mike Chang as a support system, she really was losing this fight to a clear depression. So yes, Rachel 'needed' to read the letter. She needed to read it and understand, so that maybe she could save Quinn from herself, and show her she wasn't lying at Junior prom when she told her she was "the prettiest girl she had ever met; but she was so much more than that".
Opening her eyes with a new found determination; she quickly reached up to turn the cars light on, allowing herself some source of light amongst the dark dread she currently found herself in. She squinted at the letter, and took note of the delicacy of the Noah's handwriting where he had written Quinn's name. With just one word he had expressed his clear care and affection for the girl, she would never have known the two were so close before any of this. Before she could realize her actions, the letter was unfolded and Rachel found herself staring at the inner works of Quinn's pain. Her eyes began to slowly track the words and take in every word the boy had expressed to his friend.
Quinn,
I think it's fair I owe you some sort of explanation for what the hell has been going on with me. But from what we both know I know, it's fair to say you owe me the same.
You were always gorgeous, 'smoking really', and I know I made my jokes, but that's just because I couldn't believe you had ever even looked my way. And then when you were pregnant with Beth I couldn't believe it when you told me I could have my chance with you. You were the girl of my dreams, always out of reach, and here you, actually wanted me. That's when I realized, you were just that... the girl of my dreams. There's a reason everyone fantasizes about the girl next door. They know in reality, it won't ever happen. I was holding you back, you were meant to get out of this town and I knew I would only hold you back. So I sabotaged us. It seemed the only way.
But then when Beth was born I realized… I had completely blown it. You were the love of my life, everything I couldn't touch, and you had just created a miracle with me. And thanks to the way I acted, you felt we couldn't of been the parents she needed. I guess you were right. If I hadn't done what I had, then we both know we would be together and raising her right this second. We would finally of been a family, and I would of made sure you finally got out of this place, and more than anything...I'd of made you happy again Quinn.
You're so broken; I see it everyday as I pass you in the hallway. I see it when you smile at your friends; I see it when you sing like an angel. -You're just falling further each day, and no one is catching you. And what's worse is I did this to you. I broke you Quinn. I'm the reason Mike found you crying that day in the auditorium. I'm the reason; he had to hold you for an hour as you cried. -I know what Tina said, she told me you told Mike you and your Mom had rowed. -And I know that isn't the truth. Don't you see? I know you Quinn. I see you for who you are and I love you more than anything but I can't be with you just as much. Every time I see you I'm reminded of how beautiful you are, how much I love you... but then I see that glimmer of doubt in your eyes and I see how I'm the reason you're hurting.
You always told me when we were alone I was different, a better man. The truth was I was only better for you. But as you fixed me, I saw more and more what it was doing to you. How the world trampled on you and never looked back. I gave you this letter with your copy of Wuthering Heights you left at mine. Remember at night you would read it to Beth and me? I never understood it at the time, why Heathcliff acted the way he did. The dude was so selfish and messed up. And Cathy was just, well...you.
After my outburst when I thought I had lost you to Mike, I realized; you were trying to tell me back then. I started reading this and everything made sense. You were telling me how much you were hurting and needed me to stop it. It was when I got to this page and saw the words I highlighted them as they say everything I can't.
"Kiss me again, but don't let me see your eyes! I forgive what you have done to me. I love my murderer-but yours! How can I?"
How am I supposed to stay in Lima and see you every day when I'm so chaotic I'm just killing you slowly, more so than the stupid town already is? I need to fix this. I need to find me, and maybe with it the man you deserve. And if I die trying to be him for you, I'll love my murderer forever, but if I stay here, and you die because of me...then I will never forgive myself Quinn.
I hope when I return I'll be closer to the man you deserve. And more than anything, I pray that when I return, you won't have given up on the world just yet.
Please hold on Quinn, hold on for me.
Noah.
(Present)
Rachel shuddered at the memory consuming her. Quinn Fabray, the perfect daughter, the perfect friend, and the perfect angel of beauty, was struggling to hold on to her existence. The picture perfect girl was standing, waiting at the crossroads, with the gun ready to pass to anyone who would take it and finally pull the trigger for her. Finally pull the trigger and release her from her pain. As she waited on the black stage by the piano where Quinn had once tried to save Rachel from the life-consuming binds of this town, the Brunette told herself that this time, she would be returning the favour.
Quinn found herself staring at the crumpled note once more, 'Meet me, auditorium, we need talk sometime Quinn'. -If anything Rachel Berry always was good at saying things for what they were, and things were currently at a state where they needed to be said. Despite the wonderful game of feigning complete ignorance Quinn had mastered lately. She honestly thought since that unfortunate day of particular vulnerability things were going okay. -Okay so she was getting even less sleep if that was possible, and after collapsing in her kitchen last week her mom was worried out of her mind, convinced she was starving herself. But other than that, things were as normal as ever. Her school days were coming to an end. Glee was managing better than ever, Sam had moved in with Finn and returned to McKinley, oh and this Irish exchange student Rory was actually probably the most genuine person McKinley had ever been graced with. -Not that McKinley appreciated his pure nature, he was being bullied and slushied from day one, yet despite this the boy remained optimistic and happy. (He claimed that he looked forward to college where girls would find his heritage 'sexy' and fall for him on the spot, his optimism was admirable really. She had made amends with all her enemies; she had made a point of making sure that when she chose to finally leave this place, she would have no regrets. She would always be remembered with warmth. The plan was flawless.
Well, flawless apart from two parts. She couldn't let go yet -it would destroy Puck. If Quinn was being honest with herself, he was the only reason she hadn't jumped off the billboard before the start of senior year. She was barely hanging on by a thread, but she was hanging on for him.
-The second flaw was the author of the note that had been placed at her desk as the Brunette exited AP English Literature that day. She could ignore it and go home, but Quinn knew her ex-rival, she arguably knew her better than anyone. The truth is she couldn't ignore the note, because Rachel Berry was the single most determined person she had ever met. And if she ignored the note, Rachel would do what ever it took to make Quinn speak to her eventually... especially now she knew. There was no doubt Quinn had her suspicions Rachel had read the letter after she came to school early on Monday and searched the choir room but the book was gone. It was only today when Rachel was caught giving her a sad puppy expression in class that these suspicions were confirmed.
Biting her lip and shuffling her feet, Quinn rested against her locker, her bag over her shoulder, and her coat and scarf wrapped around her ready to leave in an attempt to drag out the inevitable just a little longer. But as her feet began to carry her down the hallway, Quinn mentally cursed herself as they led her away from the McKinley entrance, and instead towards the auditorium.
She entered the large space and stared down at the stage, there, sat alone by the grand piano was Rachel. On top of the piano, and just in front of the girl was the book that held all of her secrets. She found her heart racing, and so much of her wanting to run back up the stairs she was currently descending and to just hide forever. As she reached the end of the stage, and begrudgingly walked across it to the piano; Rachel stood and waited for her smiling sympathetically. The Blonde suddenly felt her old defenses firing up.
"Look Berry I didn't exactly come here for any pity, I don't what you 'think' you read but I-"
"Are you honestly going to try and sidestep this as if it was nothing?" the brunette fired back, hurt and frustration in her dark eyes as she held the book in the air to make her point clear. Quinn looked to the book and found herself suddenly without words, tears pricked her eyes as she made eye contact with the other girl. 'What the hell is with this dam room and Rachel Berry making me feel things?' she found herself mentally cursing.
"Quinn, I..." Rachel's expression had softened the second she saw a flicker of the real Quinn in the girls eyes once more. "I can't believe you're going through this on your own. Noah was right, you don't have to give up just yet, you will make it out of here and then-"
"Then what?" Rachel found herself speechless as Quinn walked towards her, painfully close without breaking eye contact as she continued, "then I go on and sell real-estate some where else? Or I just have another kid and become a miserable housewife?"
Rachel stepped forward as she tried to interrupt but quickly backtracked as Quinn took another intimidating step towards her.
"Remember last time we were in this very position Rachel? Remember how I told you I would be stuck here forever with Finn and you could go on to become the star you are? Remember how you fought my words with every fiber of your being to prove Finn belonged with you far more than he ever would with me?"
"Quinn, I-"
"Remember," the Blonde was standing toe to toe with the Brunette now, the girl's hairs rising as Quinn leaned in and softly spoke into Rachel's ear, "-remember, how you never tried to prove me wrong about the part where I would be stuck in Lima forever Rachel?"
Quinn pulled away from Rachel to see that now even the diva's eyes were flooding with hurt, "I'm so sorry Quinn, you know you won't get stuck here, you have so much more to you than people realize, and you just need to show them that. Show them so they regret how they didn't notice you."
"-and then what? Carry on living with nothing but pity and sympathy? I had one thing that mattered Rachel! One thing that kept me alive, and now..." Quinn found her eyes closing as her legs gave way beneath her as the emotions took hold once more.
Rachel quickly fell to Quinn's side and gently took the Blonde's hand in hers as she rubbed it softly with her thumb. As Quinn choked back her tears Rachel's other hand reached out and brushed Quinn's hair from her face, placing a strand behind her ear as Quinn opened her eyes to reconnect with Rachel once more.
"And now..." Quinn's voice was breaking as she spoke, "the one thing keeping me alive is gone because I hurt him".
Rachel's heart literally melted for Quinn's on the spot. Overwhelmed with guilt and despair at her ignorance as well as everyone else's.
"If there's is one thing I know about the lonely from my years of studying 'Les Miserable' religiously", Quinn let out a small laugh and Rachel smiled tenderly as she continued, "it's that, even the lonely have companions in each other." Quinn found herself squeezing Rachel's hand in hope. "No body needs to be alone Quinn, and as much as you dislike me... I'll make sure that you never are anymore." Rachel took both of Quinn's hands and pulled her to her feet.
"You just need to trust me with the gun, and know that I won't ever be pulling the trigger on you. Not for as long as I breathe. You can't give up, life's too beautiful Quinn, you just need to open your eyes to it."
The girls stayed like that, just standing contently in each others presence; for what seemed like hours but in reality, could have been little more than a few minutes. Rachel realized she was still holding Quinn's hands. And furthermore, Quinn wasn't running away this time. The Brunette gently pulled Quinn to the piano bench and sat her down. Noticing the girl was now staring at the book that lay on top of the piano, Rachel reached out and cupped Quinn's cheek, turning her gaze to face her.
"Whenever something intense throws me off the tracks, I always find expressing myself is by far the most effective therapy. -After the last two years with Shelby and facing rejection from my mother twice, I sort of had a lot of expressing to do." Quinn simply nodded, her understanding gaze unfaltering. Rachel felt Quinn reaching up to capture the hand on her cheek. Her finger grazed Rachel's and Rachel found Quinn leaning in to her touch. The moment was so tender and pure, lasting only a few seconds before Quinn's fingers pulled back, and Rachel withdrew her hand quickly and placed her fingers on the piano keys. As the low melody began to play, Quinn found herself staring at the book before her and wondering if maybe she wouldn't end the same way as Cathy. She wondered if maybe, she could write her own ending. -While Rachel focused her eyes intently on the white keys she was pressing, struggling to understand how just the touch of Quinn's 'oh so delicate' fingers, had shot electricity down her bones and caused her heart to beat so rapidly...
September (Three weeks and four days ago)
After the choir room incident with Rachel, Quinn couldn't bare to face the diva. 'Cried, not just tears, but a fricking ocean spilled from my eyes-ugh! Way to look desperate and pathetic. Not to mention you left the book there, oh lord what if she finds it? She could read it and find the letter. It's bad enough I know my problems, it's humiliating knowing somebody else knows too.' Quinn had found herself so ashamed she hadn't even left the house that day. She told her mom she needed to rest to try and get back to her normal self. -Judy Fabray instantly agreed out of desperation to help her daughter out of this bizarre and sudden 'funk' she had fallen into.
As she climbed the ladder of her billboard, she found herself wishing she had just come here yesterday rather than going to that choir room. She mocked herself for causing even more stress to her life, 'as now Rachel Berry has probably caught on to how the resident daughter of the proud W.A.S.P family; is actually so suffocated by her life she is contemplating suicide. Just perfect!'
She pulled herself over the railings and looked out to the world behind her, wondering how every time she told herself this was as bad as it could get, the universe would force itself to find just one more thing that could go wrong.
Quinn started to shove the railings in front of her to express her anger, and before she could contemplate what was happening, the tears were streaming down her face as she aggressively rattled the railings, screaming out her frustrations to all Ohio.
"Why. Don't. You. See. Me? Why. Do. None. Of. You. Even. CARE?" Quinn kicked the railings as she screamed, "I'M STILL HERE! WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME TOO?" She threw herself at the railings and felt the wind get painfully thrown from her lungs as she fell to the floor. Crumpled on the floor of the billboard's railings, with her ribs aching in agony, Quinn slowly lifted herself from the ground. She looked up to look out at her town once more as she finally felt the pain she was in, and softly whimpered, "Why did you leave here?"
She took a few deep breaths to compose herself, and then turned her body to get up and leave, only she halted as she noticed the change in her own personalized Ohio sign. -Just below her bold red message, was an italic, black spray-painted reply. Quinn glance at the words and couldn't help but lose all train of thought as the words spoke to her on so many levels she would never be able to comprehend. As she lay there in her hour of pain, it was as if someone was watching, and this was their own way of telling her that they still saw her.
"Catherine's face was just like the landscape-shadows and sunshine flitting over it in rapid succession; but the shadows rested longer, and the sunshine was more transient..." -Emily Bronte, Wuthering Heights
Quinn found her conscious slipping back to the present as she heard the sound of Rachel's humming to the piano beside her. Quinn listened to Rachel's tune, and realized almost instantaneously what song she was playing for Quinn to sing. As if her mouth was connected to her soul, she began to sing...
Car is parked, bags are packed, but what kind of heart doesn't look back
At the comfortable glow from the porch, the one I will still call yours?
All those words came undone and now I'm not the only one
Facing the ghosts that decide if the fire inside still burns
Quinn found herself looking from Rachel's fingers on the white keys, to Rachel's chocolate orbs, and then to the book before her once more. She closed her eyes and instantly saw McKinley's hallway with a sea of people crowding it. Then just as the ocean began to part, she saw him. Standing there, smiling his crooked smirk in all his childish mohawked glory. The crowd faded and then it was him, and only him that she could see in her mind.
All I have, all I need, he's the air I would kill to breathe
Holds my love in his hands, still I'm searching for something
Out of breath, I am left hoping someday I'll breathe again
I'll breathe again
As the melody continued she heard Rachel begin the second verse, the diva softly sang the words as Quinn kept her eyes closed and focused on the one aspect in her mind...
Open up next to you and my secrets become your truth
And the distance between that was sheltering me comes in full view
Hang my head; break my heart built from all I have torn apart
And my burden to bear is a love I can't carry anymore
Quinn saw Puck slowly walking towards her in her mind. Still smiling, still smirking, and still everything she longed for as she began to harmonize Rachel's chorus.
All I have, all I need, he's the air I would kill to breathe
Holds my love in his hands, still I'm searching for something
Out of breath, I am left hoping someday I'll breathe again
Quinn stopped singing as she opened her eyes to see tears springing from Rachel's closed ones, as the Brunette belted the next few lines that clearly effected whatever she was currently picturing in her mind. Quinn had a feeling it was either to do with her mother Shelby's return to her life, or facing the failure of her and Finn's relationship once again.
But as Rachel kept her eyes closed tight, neither of these two people were even remote factors of what she saw in her mind right now. She saw only one person. And she was shocked at exactly what she felt as she saw them.
It hurts to be here
I only wanted love from you
It hurts to be here
What am I gonna do?
Quinn placed her hand on Rachel's knee, for the diva's promised support, as she prepared to belt out the last chorus with her everything. Rachel still shut her eyes tightly, for fear of losing the feeling in her mind at the current moment. The piano reverted to the chorus' chords and the two girls put their entire being into the song..
All I have, all I need, he's the air I would kill to breathe
Holds my love in his hands, still I'm searching
All I have, all I need, he's the air I would kill to breathe
Holds my love in his hands, still I'm searching for something
Out of breath, I am left hoping someday I'll breathe again
I'll breathe again
The auditorium was filled with nothing but the panting of the two girls, and the mass of tension that had just been exposed with the force of emotions that had just been felt. Rachel kept her eyes closed as she lifted one of her hands to take hold of the one on her knee, squeezing it tightly. Quinn found herself tightly squeezing Rachel's hand back as her tears openly fell and she gazed at the book before her. She refused to let go of the hand, in appreciation of the support the diva was blessing her with.
Rachel however found herself refusing to let go of Quinn's hand for another reason; she was forcing the entire moment into her memory: the rush, the feeling… the surrealism of it all. But above all, the image of those crowds parting in that hallway, parting like the red sea to reveal the person she never truly saw before. As she held the Blonde's hand she saw the crowd finally fully revealing her unrequited love the song had opened her to. Standing in the hallway in a short and graceful white dress, submerged in Rachel's thoughts as her terrified tears fell... was Quinn.
DA DA DAAAAAUUUUMMMM! -Oh yes...I went there =P
Okay so I'm really liking where this is going and I'm so happy you guys are actually reading it. Please review and let me know your thoughts. Also, I know some of the readers, are most likely Faberry shippers, and there is a lot of Quick happening at the moment. Well good things come to those who wait, so wait! The girls will start exploring their feelings over the next few chapters, particularly Rachel so don't worry just yet!
Songs used- Breathe Again, by 'Sara Barellies'