For disclaimer and information, see story 1

There are no words more agonizing than being told you cannot come home.

Susan was devastated after her and Peter's talk with Aslan that final morning after the battle. It wasn't right. This was all wrong. The betrayal she'd buried just a few hours before arose with a new vengeance, and she hid her face from her older brother. Peter was struggling with his own emotions and did not need her adding to his burden. Aslan spoke of many things, yes; of growing up and growing old, of living in the past and fighting with the present, of accepting the future and choosing a fate for oneself. The only words she heard were you can never return to Narnia. You cannot go home.

"You may go now, children," said Aslan gently, sending them away. Even Aslan does not love us now, thought Susan, just as the great Lion added, "I love you still, and always will, and you must never think otherwise. Everything happens for a reason, children, and you shall see the reason soon enough. Remember, Peter. Stand by your Magnificence." The Lion turned to Susan with something akin to sadness in his eyes. "And remember..."

He paused, forcing both siblings to look at him straight out. Peter expected him to go on to tell his sister to always be gentle. He was very much surprised when Aslan smiled at Susan. "The masquerade is over, Queen Susan, and there will never be another." And still, all she heard was you cannot go home. You cannot go home.

Boarding school was a misery after their return to England. Susan oftentimes felt she could hardly breathe but to scream for want of Narnia. Ever the words sounded in her ears, you cannot return. She began to despise herself, and growing up. It was getting older that had cast her away from Narnia, and Susan didn't want any part of it, if she could help it. She quickly decided that that couldn't be it, as growing up happened to everyone, and Lucy and Edmund had not been exiled. She and Peter must have done something wrong, something unforgivable. She felt dirty, and no matter how often she bathed, she still felt stained.

Lucy and Edmund were acutely aware that Peter and Susan needed their comfort and strength, but in school there was no way to give it. Lucy was especially frustrated, as Susan began to distance herself from her in favor of her "little friends," as Lucy called them. Susan hated spending time with those mindless girls, and never spoke when she was with them. She couldn't bring herself to look her sister in the eye.

When holidays came and the Pevensies returned home, their mother kept watch on them, noting the vast difference in the children that went to school and the children who returned. It was Susan, however, who witnessed the tears. Lucy came to Edmund's room to wait for her older siblings. Peter snuck in a short time later, casting nervous, heartbroken glances at his mother's door. Susan watched from the shadows, her heart in her throat and her mind filled with anger and regret. She knew how she'd find them the next morning, grouped together on Edmund's bed, finding solace in each other's presence and comfort in each other's tears. They'd done it often enough, those midnight talks, with all four of them, after the first return to England. This time, Susan wouldn't join them.

She couldn't, and she didn't see how Peter could. Didn't he see? Aslan chose them. They were the pure ones, they were still in favor! They were full of goodness and light, while she and Peter were soiled with age and knowledge. How dare he find comfort with them. How could he not see that they were no longer worthy of Lucy and Edmund's company? They were no longer in Narnia. They could not live in the past. They were too soiled for Narnia. Even their memories tarnished the country's name.

But the more she tried to forget, the more she remembered. When she heard Peter's first sob that night, she was unable to keep herself from crying, too. Oh, Aslan, she thought, her head in her hands. What must we do to redeem ourselves?

There was no answer. Then again, she wasn't expecting one.
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Ah, lovely reviewers! It's great to know when your work has been read and appreciated. So, I would like to give a BIG thank you to more than meets the eye and Shizuku Tsukishima749. Thanks, you two! I won't forget it! Expect the next drabble up tomorrow, as usual.

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