Chapter 3: Contemplation

What is 'Love'? How many types of love does one feel? How is it defined in a dictionary? There are many types of love people feel, and they run deep, deeper than any abyss, and longer than any infinite lines. That is, only healthy love. Fights come, disagreements go, but in the end, is it not the comforting sensation of the person who sits next to another with an undying flame for their lover, be it man and man, woman and woman, and man and woman?

In the dictionary, love is described as, "Love- noun: Attraction based on sexual desire: the strong affection and tenderness felt by lovers."

Love, it truly is a complicated concept. It is so complicated it can induce physical and mental stress, complications that seem to never heal. This 'love' resides in the hearts of even the most emotionless person.

Of course, that is the idea of it.

Hello, I am Kairi. I am 17 and feel as though I do not have a heart. The last two years seem to have shattered and tore my heart into ash. The ash flows in the wind and away from life and from me. Women who love men claim that they never find the 'right one' and sometimes turn to women for the reason that they do not want to be hurt again.

It is not that simple. It is hard for a girl like me, to find a girl that will not toy with my emotions. I go by one standard rule of love, and it is "be faithful and never tell a lie." It is not very spectacular and romantic, but it worked for me.

Here is my sad tale of why 'Love' is not an option for me anymore.

After having my heart broken by the sweetest, beautiful, and funny girl, I found another girl.

My, my, she came in the most unexpected place, an online IM. We met and she just pulled me in. I was drawn to her like a line on paper. That night, we talked for what seemed to be forever. We talked about anything and everything. Though we are far apart, I always felt as though she was there, holding me, and whispering sweet words in my ears. I imagined the day I could see her and let her hold me for real. I wished for her to say I love you and I wanted to see it, with my own eyes. Eyes do not tell lies, for they are the gateway into someones' soul where the fabrications do not reside.

How marvelous it would be to have my dream become reality. But, it all died within and instant. 8 months from the day we met, I broke up with her over a misunderstanding. I felt the reason we went on a break was her subtly telling me that her burning flame died out for me, after saying that she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me.

After breaking up with her, I found my own angel. She will always be my angel, for better or for worse.

This tenshi of mine gave me the best month of my life. I was never worried, and I never felt like she did not love me. She was perfect in every way and in everything she does. But alas, Eros did not want me to be hit with his golden arrows. He took away my world and my very own angel from me. Maybe he was jealous, jealous that I probably found my light in this deep dark tunnel. Who knows? Obviously, he did not want her and me to be happy together, but wanted us miserable apart.

After she broke up with me, she ignored me; Blocked me and everything. The incident was tragic, but I will never fathom the reason why she did not desire me to be there for her. Sometimes I wonder, to myself, that she may have made up the whole incident just to break up with me.

There we have it, brief, but very true.

I fell for both of them. I fell so far deep, I still am digging out. But, as I climb the treacherous path to solitude, I find myself not caring and not desiring anything. I am reverting back to the person I was before I could understand Love and before I had met Namine.

I became stripped of useless common emotions, only left with 3: depression, contentment, and extreme anger. I never really saw myself as an extremely violent person, because I am not. Anger only comes when someone breaks my wall and pisses me off.

And this anger I feel, it scares me half to death myself. But, this is what I get for believing there is someone out there that actually wants me.

I am told by all my friends, Hayner, Pence, Axel, Xigbar and Luxord, that I am very talented and a very humble, giving person. I have been told by my best friend Xigbar, that I am romantic and sweet. I hear all these words, but I hear them as lies.

I am not beautiful, or talented. I am not humble or giving, and I certainly am not sweet. I see myself how others outside my box see me: I am fat, lazy, rude, and ugly and a devious bitch. I hate myself and everyone around me.

Well, hate does seem like a strong word, but to me words are meaningless. You can say anything, but it does not mean that it is true. "You can go ahead and dance pretty words in my face, but do not hesitate to think I will not be first to prove you a liar."

Just like the detectives who solve homicides, and the analysts to dig deep for answers, it all has to be backed up with actions.

Each girl told me they loved me, and each had gone and twisted and burned my heart. Now, evaluate. What does that show me? It shows that actions define your character and your eyes never hide the true words.

My heart is as cold as ice, and is blacker than deep space. I do not think it will warm to just any girl or guy out there. The next lover that befalls me and thinks, "I want her." They must work hard, show no deceit, and believe in this idea of 'love'. If I see there person working hard for my love and heart, then maybe, just maybe I would open up a bit more.

I sat for hours evaluating my flaws and everything that could have possibly went wrong in my relationships, and I just thought that I am worth nothing, NANIMO, to anyone. I would rather live my life kind of like a yaoi manga, but in Yuri form. Like the mangas that have the secretly gay teacher or business CEO that ends up paying for a host for one night then going back to work the next day like nothing even happened, but always think about that one host until they both get together and be happy.

That is my fan girl for you. I never really saw myself the type of girl that likes cute things and happy endings. I felt like I am one of those girls who is a hopeless romantic looking for a life partner, be it man or woman that could let me be their shining prince who will never hurt them. I wanted to be the chick that someone could be proud of. I wanted to be the girl that is down to earth and never disobeys commands.

Yeah, I am a slave type of girl. My best friend even knows that if given an option I will say no, but if I am commanded to do something, it WILL be done. I can not help it, I hate to disappoint those I care about and I do not want to lose them.

But, I guess, that dream is all over now. All I can really do now is just accomplish my goals of being a successful writer (or artist) and live my life in isolation. Maybe in a wooded area with many beautiful plants I can take care of, or by a beach in Destiny Islands and stare out into the sky fantasizing about new plots for stories, or painting and sculpting my emotions.

It most likely will not happen. If not, I can always become a lawyer or politician. But then again, I hate the spotlight. I hate people looking at me. I hate people watching me. I hate people judging me. It has been like that all my life, and I do not want it anymore.

Is it mere fact, or am I just a crazy loon who thrived in pessimism? Who knows? I sure do not. I have been told and lectured on how I act and why I am who I am, and quite frankly, I feel like they think I am a total IDIOT.

I know why I do things without giving a proper explanation and I understand that I am a broken soul with many deep black secrets. I accept it.

I accept that I am broken mentally, physically and spiritually. I accept that if I am in solitude to not let anyone in. I accept that I am stubborn and in many ways, very ignorant. I accept that if I am alone I am happier than if I was around people. I am very used to being left alone and being forsaken by people. I mean, I am always a pessimist and I am always dark, who would want to be around me too?

The only person who has not left me is my best friend in the whole world, Negai. She is so sweet and beautiful.. I know everything there is to know about her. I can read her like an open book from 60 miles away blocked by a really big fat man with a chocolate stain on his shirt. She is going out with my brother Hito, in fact, I pushed them together. I do not trust any other guy with her heart but my brother. At least, he can make her happy. That is all I want for my best friend.

I guess that is why I do not want to love. I am tired of getting hurt. Yeah. But at least I understand how I am now.

So, how do I move on from here? Well, I am moving with my mother to Destiny Islands to be away from her and this whole mess. It is a fresh start in a new setting, with a new school and possibly, a new life. I know I should not run away from my problems because they will come back to haunt me, but, I will handle it when it gets to that point later on.

Right now, I am a beast without a beauty to free me from this curse. I am a frog who will never be kissed. I am and Ice cube stuck in the freezing snow. I am a homeless, loveless mutt whom no one can ever love.

But for some strange reason, I like it that way.

Am I weird for that?

Hmm.

November 17, 2009.

I take it back. Maybe you're only and idiot if you like too much. I have a bad habit of falling for girls far away. Yeah, I am stupid. Not ignorant, but just plain stupidity. I have not learned from my mistakes, that makes me really stupid. I CAN NOT learn. Therefore, I am stupid. It is simple logic, right? I hate it when people always say "its comlicated" or "it's not that easy", hell, I have even caught myself saying that. It's not that its hard, or that its complicated, its that there is no courage around for someone to say what is meant to be said, or do what is meant to be done. I know I fall victim to Stupidity's evil traps.

Still, I feel the same as before. I do NOT want to fall in love. I want to be the beast without a beauty, to be the caterpillar that never turns into a butterfly. I am stuck within my past and moving forward scares me. Who knows, maybe in time I will come to not be afraid. I am not sure, maybe I am just.... MENTAL.