AN: First of all, I will try to separate my paragraphs into smaller ones more and I thank you for pointing that out. So please try to bear with me I usually do but sometimes I get to writing and I forget sorry about that.
Secondly, about the almost rape scene in the third chapter I am sorry if I offended anyone but I would like to point out I have been a victim of that violent crime 20 years ago. It was not meant to set anyone off but my story does have an M rating. It is a brutal and violent crime against another human being and thank god I survived mine. Yes I have bad memories but over time I have been able to deal with it enough to let some out in my writing which helps me. Maybe I'm just a twisted individual but it helps. (Outward expression of traumatic feelings is what my therapist calls it)
Thirdly, I do know Kanda is out of character but I would think that after everything this girl has been through he would have a little heart. He is also responsible for her right now. I'm sorry this is just the way I want to write him and show a different side of him. Thank you.
Secrets of my heart chap.4
Kanda walked about two miles carrying Rea when he realized it was getting dark. He found a meadow on the side of the road and he started a fire. The air was chilly when the sun went down so he wrapped his cloak around Rea and laid her on the ground. Walking over to a tree he sat and leaned himself up against it and thought about all the things that had completely went wrong today. He then started realizing that Rea's innocence was awaking faster than he had thought. Her being able to transport people was now something that was weighing heavy on his mind. He wondered just how far she could transport if she concentrated. She had transported them outside of the town from the fire and that was about a third of a mile.
He crossed his arms across his chest due to the cold and then Rea rolled over "Kanda are you cold?" He shrugged his shoulders "N-not really" But he had lied it was actually pretty cold and she raised up on her arms "I know your cold I can hear your teeth chattering." He scoffed turning his head "Che" and she smiled slightly as she got up and walked over to where he was and sat next to him. Pulling the cloak from around her she covered both of them "Here we can share." He didn't think this was a good idea at all because they were so close but it was cold and she needed to be kept warm as he sighed in defeat "Hai" he said softly as he stared straight ahead into the fire. He must have dozed off sometime in the night. The fire going out woke him and as he looked down Rea's face was against his chest and his arm was around her his eyes widened 'What the hell?' He thought because he didn't remember putting it around her as she slightly stirred and he pushed her back some to go throw more wood on the fire.
It was then he felt her standing behind him "I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable Kanda it's just I wanted to feel safe." He scrunched his face some as his eyes wondered around then he realized this girl had just lost everything and everybody she had ever knew. So he moved back from the fire and sat on the ground "Oi come here Rea." He said as she walked over and sat next to him. He then wrapped the cloak around both of them "Get some sleep no one will hurt you while I'm here." She softly smiled as she leaned against his chest and every muscle in his body tensed up at the fact he was touching another human being. She could hear his heart beating as he breathed in slowly and steadily. She wondered how he could stay focused all the time as she closed her eyes listening to his heart beat it was beating strong and hard and she thought it sounded like a drum beating in the distance.
Kanda sat there wondering how the hell he was going to manage teaching this girl anything. After all she was blind and he didn't even know if she had any fighting skills. The next morning he had found after he fell asleep somehow he and Rea had ended up lying down. He opened his eyes to find her sleeping on his chest and he had his arm up with his hand behind his head like a pillow. He laid there thinking he would let her get a few more minutes of sleep before he woke her. She stirred some and ran her hand down his chest which made his eyes widen as he froze in his breathing. He had never had anyone touch him like that before, let alone letting anyone get this close to him to touch him like that. He then looked down at her and moved his shoulder some "Rea…..Rea it's time to get up."
She stirred again as she lifted her head "What time is it?" when she lifted her head he sat up quickly to break the connection between them "I have no idea but we need to get moving." Putting the fire out, it was still chilly so he wrapped his cloak around her as he stood then helped her stand. She reached over and took his elbow and he started walking. The light touch of her hand was even getting to him now he wasn't used to this whole touching thing she had going on with him. He started thinking maybe it was just him, Yeah it had to be him because he wasn't used to human contact.
Rea had gotten a strange feeling as she felt him tense up so she asked "Kanda is there something wrong?" Shaking his head slowly he replied "No. Just keep walking."
They walked a few miles then he made her rest as he turned to her "Sit and rest while I scout ahead." He left her by a tree as he walked up ahead some and he saw a sigh for a town called Bernese. Finally a place where they could get food, shelter and he could call Komui and inform him about what happened to Rea. He walked back to find her sitting there just fidgeting with her hands. She looked so lost he thought as he walked towards her and she raised her head hearing his footsteps "Kanda?" He walked closer "Hai Rea it's me." Her eyes softened as he took hold of her arm to help her up "There is a town up ahead where we can eat and get a room to stay in tonight." She smiled softly "A bath would be great."
Kanda figured she'd want to clean up after having to sleep on the ground. He knew girls didn't like getting dirty and sticky as a matter of fact he didn't either so he thought he could at least get some place where she could take a bath. Not to mention both of them smelled like smoke from the fire. As she grabbed his elbow they walked to the town where he wanted two rooms but the man said there was only one with a big bed. So after careful thought Kanda just turned his head to the side "Che" knowing he needed to get her inside tonight because of the cold "Hai I'll take it" He said with a distinct unsurely sound in his voice.
Kanda then turned as Rea grabbed his arm and he led her to the room. Upon opening it he looked at the room and saw the huge bed but in the corner was a chair and ottoman and he slightly grinned 'That is where I will sleep' He thought as he told Rea how far the bed was from the door and she let go of his arm and started finding her way there as he turned and shut the door. Walking over to her as she sat on the bed Kanda explained the lay out of the room to her then he turned and walked back to the door "Stay here I will be back shortly. I have some things to get and a phone call to make. When I get back I will lead you to the bathing room down the hall."
Rea smiled softly as she stared straight ahead "Alright Kanda I won't move." She knew he would be back as soon as he could so she leaned herself back on the bed and put her feet up as he sighed and turned the knob and stepped out leaving he room. Rea sat there and began to think about this man she was now with. He was cold and unemotional but he had showed her some warmth in the past hours they had spent together.
Kanda went downstairs and used the phone in the lobby to call Komui and as he explained what had happened and how fast Rea's innocence was awaking. Komui got concerned and he told Kanda to just bring the girl to the Order and he would send another exorcist to deal with his other mission. He agreed because he really didn't want to drag Rea on a mission with him, he would be too busy worry about her to concentrate. As he hung the phone up he looked down at himself and he was covered in black from the smoke of the fire and grass stains not to mention his Black Order outfit burned up in the fire due to it being in his suitcase. So he left the hotel and found a shop that sold clothes. He grabbed a pair of pants and a shirt both for him and Rea because her dress was ruined and as he walked to the counter he saw a drawing pad and some charcoal so he purchased those too thinking it would give Rea something to do.
Walking back he got to the room he saw she hadn't moved from where he left her and he felt relieved walking over and setting the clothes down. He then held the pants up "I hope these fit because there all they had." She gracefully smiled "I'm sure you did fine with the size." He really didn't know because they looked a little big as he stared at her now but it was too late to go back. He then took the pad and charcoal and walked over to her "Here" He said firmly holding it out in front of her as she put her hand up he moved it towards it. Feeling the pad she smiled widely "You didn't have to do this but I'm glad you did." He then let go of the pad as her hand grasped it. "I didn't want you getting in my hair while we sit here all day." He said sternly as he turned but she knew deep down he had bought it for her because he wanted to. He didn't seem like the type to do something without wanting too.
Without further hesitation Kanda turned and took her hand almost pulling her from the bed and in that second her foot slipped out from under her and she almost fell but instead he caught her in his arms. She could tell by the feeling that their faces were inches apart and her eyes widened as he momentarily stood looking into beautiful eyes that couldn't see him back. Then he slowly put her back on her feet and sighed "I didn't mean to be so rough with you. I keep forgetting your-"His words trailed off as she still felt his hands ever so slightly touching her waist. When in actuality he did keep forgetting she couldn't see but he would soon remedy that and remember so he wasn't put in this close position again.
She placed her hands atop his on her waist and he flinched some as she gently rubbed them "It's alright Kanda I know you've never dealt with anyone like me." Shaking his head quickly he pulled his hands from under hers and dropped them to his side. He stared at her face and that's when this strange feeling came over him. She was lovely but he shook the thought from his head reminding himself that she was now a student of the Order.
She thought for a moment they had a connection till his stern voice replied "Hai I have dealt with no one like you that is true." And in his mind he hadn't not someone who was quite as lovely as her. He had been around Marie but that was different. "But it is my job to protect you till I get you back to the order." He then turned and held his elbow out "Come and I will walk you to the bathing room."
She slightly sighed at his tone again which a moment ago was softer. What had she done? She certainly couldn't understand him at all and his way of rejection. One minute he could be so protecting and warm and the next he could be so cold and distant. Reaching out she took his elbow in her hand as he led her to the door then down the hall to the bathing room.
He opened the door and told her how it was laid out "Are you sure you don't need any help running the bath?" He asked as she shook her head slightly no. she then walked through the door closing it behind her as he told her "I'll be right outside the door if you need me." She leaned against the door and exhaled heavily realizing that this was how her life was going to be like from now on, alone and in the dark.
Kanda positioned himself outside the door leaning against the wall. He didn't know how long girls took in the bath but he figured it wasn't going to be quickly. He hadn't heard any movement for a moment and he hesitated as he turned about to knock on the door when he heard the water turn on. Stopping his hand before the door he put it down and leaned back against the wall. A few moments later he could hear the water splashing and he closed his eyes but when he did he saw her in the tub with the water running down her skin, leaving it shiny and clean. His eyes popped open and he shook his head 'What the hell are you thinking?' He thought to himself as he then straightened himself against the wall and tried to fill his mind with different thoughts. Finding himself thinking about this girl was completely out of character for him. He really wasn't the type to think about girls and anyway she was soon to be a student of his. He had already made his mind up about that because he wanted to train her to take care of herself.
It was about twenty minutes later he heard the door open slowly as she poked her head out "Uh Kanda are you still there." He opened one eye and looked at her "Hai I am here Rea." She opened the door wider and he saw she was holding the pants by the waist and they were a little big on her. He had guessed a size too big and he sighed as he reached for his belt and undid it pulling it from his pants he walked closer to her "Here I'm going to put this on you alright?"
She nodded not knowing what he was talking about but then she felt his hands on her waist moving the belt through the belt loops as he pulled it together in the front and buckled it "There that should work for now." He straightened himself back up as she slightly smiled "Thank you." He then held his arm out some to her hand as she grabbed a hold of it and he walked her back to the room.
Upon entering the room she let go of his arm and he found himself watching her to make sure she didn't trip on anything but she made it to the bed safely and sat on it. He then walked over grabbing the clothes he had bought for himself then turned and took his cloak off and dropped it in the chair "I will be back soon don't go anywhere. When I return I go get us something to eat." He said firmly as she nodded and slide her hand to the table trying to find the pad and charcoal he had gotten her.
Kanda left the room for the bathing room and as he entered he found himself standing there looking in the mirror at himself 'What the hell are you doing? You're getting attached to her' he thought to himself as he reached up and grabbed the tie in his hair letting it fall across his shoulders. He had only known this girl two days and already she was breaking through barriers he had had up for years. He ran a bath and undressed lowering himself into the tub as he sunk into it and leaned his head back against the back as his hair floated on the water's surface. He found himself staring at the ceiling and shaking his head back and forth slowly as he thought of all the times she had just reached out and touched him. He was beginning to think that there was something wrong with him the way he always avoided human contact. But he didn't like people invading his personal space but this girl had invaded it many times and at first he didn't like it but now it wasn't really bothering him. He sighed out loud as he submerged himself under the water and breathed out through his nose.
Coming up the water fell off his body as he grabbed the soap and lathered up his hair then submerged again. Coming up this time he wiped his face and then leaned back again. Could this girl actually be getting to the cold hearted Kanda? He had to admit it wasn't like she was a child she was eighteen but what he saw in her was her strength and the sheer will to go on even though terrible things had happened. She may have been blind but she strived to learn the things to get her through life and that's what he saw and he knew with the right training she could be a great exorcist. "Damn moyashi" he whispered as he thought of Allen telling him they could be saviors too. Kanda had never really thought about saving anyone but now his thoughts were jumbled on what to do with this girl. He lifted himself from the bath, stepped out and dried himself off. Getting dressed he realized they hadn't ate yet so after he brushed his hair he decided he better get them something to eat.
Rea was finishing up her drawing she had been working on since Kanda left or his bath as he walked back in the room. Carrying a bag he sat on the table and then he turned and she was smiling at him holding the picture out "Here I hope I captured your good side? I remembered the way you were standing from my first dream of you and now that I know what you look like I can draw your face." Kanda took the drawing from her as he stared at it, it was almost like it was done by a professional as he saw that she had put him in a battle stance with Mugen up by his face. His face was dead on and he slightly grinned at her "Hai you got my good side and arigato" She was hoping this would be a peace offering for the mood he was in when he went to take a bath.
He sat the picture on the table and reached in the bag pulling out some noodles on a plate "I hope you like soba noodles." He handed her the plate and a fork because he didn't think she could use chop sticks and then he sat down and began to eat his. Rea took a bite and they were good but she really hadn't processed losing her parents yet but sitting there it finally hit her that they were gone. She sat the fork on the plate and began to stare silently off to the side as Kanda noticed she wasn't eating.
"You don't like the noodles?" He asked questionably as a tear rolled down her cheek and she replied softly "N-No the noodles are fine I just realized though that my parents aren't ever coming back and I'm alone for the first time in my life."
Kanda lowered his eyes as he sat his chop sticks on the plate and he felt sorry for her. He realized he at this moment was all she had as he sighed "Rea I'm sorry about your parents but you're not alone. When you get to the Order you'll find there are a lot of nice people there." Sitting his plate down as he saw another tear fall from her eye he reached over and handed her a cloth napkin that came with the food "Here wipe your tears."
She reached out and took the napkin and wiped her tears as she asked softly "Kanda will you be around or are you just going to leave me at this Order too." He wanted to tell her the truth so he walked over and sat next to her on the bed "I am an exorcist that finds innocence and I have missions to go on. I really don't know what the Order will do with you when you get there." Turning his head he saw tears welding up in her eyes and he sighed "But I do know I won't leave till you feel comfortable enough with the Order that promise I can make to you."
Reaching her hand out she placed hers a top of his and he flinched some "Thank you Kanda I know I must be such a burden on you right now." He wanted to pull his hand away but for reasons he didn't as he softly replied "No you're not a burden on me." But he knew when she got to the Order they would do all kinds of tests and things on her and he would have to be with her the whole step of the way because he didn't want her frightened any more than she already was.
Pulling his hand slowly out from under hers he stood up "Now eat we have an early morning ahead of us tomorrow." She shook her head yes and began to eat slowly again but she had a feeling that Kanda was going to disappear on her too after they got to this Order he was talking about. She had to face the fact she really didn't know him at all not to mention his cold and unattached demeanor. It wouldn't be his obligation to stay with her and what if she never felt comfortable in this Order? What if she couldn't learn what they wanted to teach her? Would they just throw her out into the street like a lost puppy? She didn't know what her future held all she knew was that Kanda was the only person she had right now and if he deserted her she would surly fall apart.
Later that evening Kanda was sleeping in the chair when he heard her softly crying as she lay in bed. His eyes softened with a hurt in them as he stared at her back that was to him and he tried to go back to sleep but he couldn't. His eyes were closed but then he felt someone standing next to him as he opened one eye and saw her standing next to the chair "What is it?" He asked in an annoyed voice.
She had her hands to her chest and she was sobbing "I'm scared Kanda." He sighed slightly as he pushed his cloak off him "I'm here there's nothing to be scared of." She reached out and felt around for his hand and when she found it she squeezed it tightly "Please Kanda can't you come sleep over here with me."
His eyes widened "Uh I really don't think that would be appropriate Rea" he said sternly as she pleaded again "Please Kanda just this once can you throw your coldness out the window and please just sleep over there. We don't even have to touch I just want to know someone's there." The look on her face saddened more "My mother used to do it when I couldn't sleep."
'Kuso' he thought as he stared up at her and sighed "Alright but I'll sleep on top of the covers." Then he added sternly "No touching me got it." She smiled slightly "Yes Kanda I got it."
That had been blown completely out the window when Kanda opened his eyes the next morning only to find he had his arm around Rea and her head was resting on his chest again. He looked down at the sleeping girl and cursed silently in his head as he tried to move his arm from around her but that only made her stir some as he froze. How the hell was he going to manage to remove his arm without waking her? That's when she began to stir again and her hand began to move down his chest. Her touch made him stop breathing for a moment as her hand slid to his abdomen and stopped while resting right above where his pants hit. He rolled his eyes as he exhaled heavily, this was an awkward situation he was in.
He decided he would just pull his arm out and as he tried her hand slide around to his side as she held him tighter. 'Her one weakness' he thought was insecurity so he just laid there for a while letting her continue her slumber while he felt completely uncomfortable with the situation. After a few moments he was surprised when her hand began to slide back up to his chest. He opened one eye slowly as her hand reached his neck then she began to feel around on his face again. As he felt her hand slide all over his face it was when it came to his eyes he shut the one that was open. He wanted to see what she was going to do at this point. She then moved her hand to his chin gently turning his head towards her face as he opened his eyes. He licked his lips before her finger ran across the bottom one then back up over the top one. She lifted her head slightly off his chest and now their lips were pure millimeters from each other as she rested her hand on his cheek running her thumb over his lips. He was trying to keep his breathing steady as he gazed at this girl who couldn't gaze back at him. He noticed he was beginning to breathe heavily as she ran her fingers over his lips 'What is this strange feeling I'm feeling?' he thought as his stomach tied in knots.
She then did something that caught him completely off guard she leaned her face up and kissed his cheek softly, his eyes widened as he lay there daring not to move. She had him completely frozen in his spot as his heart began to beat faster. He had never felt anything like this before and he didn't know how to react to it. After she removed her lips from his cheek she softly whispered "You are all I have in this lonely black world now Kanda. But I fear you too will leave me stranded in my own desires." As she spoke Kanda felt his face moving towards hers but then he stopped before his lips connected with hers 'What the hell am I doing?' He thought as he rolled his eyes and semi coughed out loud which made her drop her head back to his chest and he slightly smirked knowing full well she wasn't asleep now but he laid there with her anyway for about another half hour and he left his arm right where it was as he slightly tightened his grip on her waist to make her feel more secure and she just snuggled closer to him.