Chapter 4: Jealousy
Emma didn't usually talk to herself on the way to work, but today was different. Her "mental health day" had revealed a small crack in her resolve and she was determined to repair it. She took a deep breath, straightened her shoulders and sat tall in her seat, confidently speaking her new mantra: "I am committed to Carl. I love Will as a friend."
Her voice cracked during that last part. She tried again. This time, it sounded slightly more convincing. She repeated it several times, although her mind started to wander back to her evening with Carl. He really had been very loving towards her. He was everything she needed in a man. And, conveniently, she was already married to him.
All it took was a shift in perspective. Emma spent much of her sick day draining her tear ducts. She cried for the relationship that could have been. She cried for the relationship that was. She exhausted herself, both physically and emotionally, and then she began to feel numb. She got out of bed, showered, and dressed in time to welcome Carl home with an admittedly forced smile.
She went through the motions of the evening. They cooked dinner together, made small talk, and watched TV. He asked her briefly about her day, but didn't press when she told him she was feeling much better. She couldn't remember what they watched, but it didn't matter. Just being with him was quite pleasant. He tucked her into bed, as always, respecting her privacy and her need for more time.
Her last thought before she fell asleep was that she could make her marriage work AND remain friends with Will.
Emma arrived at school punctually, as always. She scanned the parking lot and found Will's car in his usual spot. She parked next to it. She was looking forward to seeing him today, if only to begin to build back the friendship she knew they could have. She thought it might take some time, but she would be patient.
The morning dragged as she waited for lunch time. She practically ran to the teacher's lounge at noon to save their regular table. Emma watched the door as colleagues began to stream in, anticipating Will's arrival. She tried to eat, but her stomach was already occupied by butterflies. She pretended to read a magazine instead. He never showed up.
The next 3 days were exactly the same. She started to roam the halls at odd times in the hopes that she would run into him, but it was as if he put a GPS device in her purse and made sure he was always a safe distance away.
She caught a glimpse of him on Thursday, exiting the teacher's lounge 15 minutes before lunch period and got an idea. That Friday, Emma arranged her schedule so she could get to the teachers lounge an hour earlier.
She felt more anxious than usual as she approached the door of the teacher's lounge. She realized it was because she had spent all of her time trying to find Will and absolutely no time at all planning what she was going to say.
Yay, he's here! She stopped mid-stride and stepped back into the hall to collect her thoughts. First of all, calm down. Second of all, he's just a friend. Enough with the yays. Third of all, he's probably not going to be happy to see you. Okay, let's try that again.
He was seated across the room (at a different table, she noted), reading the paper and munching on a sandwich. She walked over to his new spot and stopped. He didn't look up.
So this is how it's going to be, she fretted. Well, might as well get it out there. She took a deep breath.
"Hi Will," she said firmly. "I can't help but notice that you've been avoiding me."
Without even looking up from his paper, Will replied, "Why yes, yes I have."
Uninvited, Emma sat down. Will kept reading.
"How have you been?" she asked haltingly
"How do you think I've been, Emma?" Will said directly, finally looking at her or rather, glaring at her.
Emma looked down at her hands, avoiding the flash of pain he didn't even try to hide.
"I guess I didn't really think about how this conversation would go," she said tentatively. "I just...I miss your friendship."
Will rolled his eyes and returned to his paper, possibly hoping she would go away.
"Will, I want..."
"Wait, wait, let me guess!" he interrupted sarcastically. "You want us to be friends?"
"Yeah, tried that. Didn't work for me." He turned a page in his newspaper.
"Will, do you have to be so cold toward me?"
He looked up, incredulous. But before he could respond, he noticed a familiar face in the doorway.
She scanned the room and caught Will's eye almost immediately. Holly smiled, waved, and began to make her way over to his table.
He grinned widely.
Emma turned in the direction of Will's sudden smile and saw a beautiful blonde approaching their table.
Emma watched as Will stood up, opened his arms and pulled the tall, gorgeous woman into a big hug, "Holly! It's SO great to see you!"
Sounds like he is exaggerating for my benefit, she observed, annoyed.
"Hey, my favorite song and dance man!" Holly exclaimed.
They pulled apart and looked at each other, still smiling.
"I assume you're subbing for someone?" Will said.
"Yeah, for a few weeks. In sex ed, of all places! I mean how perfect is that? You know how I love that topic!" She smirked at Will.
How does he KNOW she loves that topic?
He winked at her. "That's awesome. So we're going to be seeing a lot of each other."
Did he just wink at her?
Emma finally cut in. "Um, hi."
Will reacted as if his little sister had just intruded on his first date with the head cheerleader. "Oh Holly, this is Emma Pillsbury, our guidance counselor."
"How do you do? Emma Pillsbury-Howell, actually." Emma said as she held out her hand, ignoring Will's impatience.
"Right on. Hi." Holly shook Emma's hand, gave her a curt smile, and turned back to Will.
"So when can I come practice with the kids again? I had so much fun last time!"
"How about this afternoon? 3pm?"
"Great! Gotta jet. I'll see you then! It was nice to meet you, Emma," Holly threw in as an afterthought. She left as quickly as she had come in.
Abruptly, and in the chilly tone she recognized from the beginning of their conversation, Will said, "I've gotta go too. See ya."
Emma sat in her office with her head in her hands, hoping her next appointment wouldn't show up. She wasn't in a state to be giving other people advice.
She had expected it to be hard. She just hadn't expected it to feel like a knife in the gut. His icy stare; his palpable desire to flee the room when she arrived; and maybe the worst, his attempt at ambivalence. Will was her best friend and she could tell he was in the process of wiping her clean out of his life. Emma wanted to remain hopeful that they could find their way back to friendship, but she knew losing Will altogether might be the price she paid for marrying Carl.
Carl...
Emma was aware that their relationship was somewhat unconventional for newlyweds. She hadn't been ready to give herself to him completely, but he wanted her anyway. He said he would wait. He was confident they were meant to be together and he was eager to make it official. He told her he loved her more than anyone he had ever known in his life. But unlike Ken, his love felt rational. He didn't put her on a pedestal. He loved her for who she was. And he swept her off her feet.
To be truthful, Emma had never attracted a man as heart-stoppingly handsome, confident, and successful as Carl. He was quite a catch, and somehow he made her feel like one too.
It all made sense to her...until she thought about their physical relationship. While she didn't have much, well ANY experience with sex, she had heard and read plenty of things. So she knew it was a good sign that she was physically attracted to Carl. Yet that didn't seem to be enough.
What is wrong with me? she wondered for what felt like the zillionth time.
Kissing Carl was nice. He made her feel desired, maybe even sexy. But every time his hands moved to other places on her body, she recoiled. She wasn't sure if it was fear or insecurity or something else. She just knew she didn't feel ready.
I wonder what it feels like to be ready?
Emma wished she had a best friend she could talk to about it, but her best friend or at least her former best friend probably wouldn't be thrilled with the topic.
An idea entered her head.
The new sex ed teacher...she's only here temporarily so even if I embarrass myself, she won't be around to remind me of it. She COULD have some useful advice...and I'm curious if she is interested in Will. Wait, no, scratch that last thought. Not relevant.
Emma twitched like a squirrel, pacing nervously outside of Holly's classroom as the last bell rang. She busied herself reading the bulletin board while the kids streamed out, wondering if this was a really bad idea. After a few minutes, she peeked casually into the room and confirmed that Holly was alone, sitting behind the desk at the front of the room.
Emma stood in the doorway, head hanging down, nervously wringing her hands.
Holly looked up expectantly. "Emma, right? What brings you here?"
Emma's face turned beet red and she began to stammer, "Um, hi. So...so,...you seem to know Will pretty well."
"Is that a question?" Holly said, dumbfounded.
Oh, no, no. I just, well, I thought I might pop in and... Well, I figured you didn't really know anyone at the school so I thought I would...
"Oh, so this is a social visit?"
Emma took one step into the room and hesitated. "Well, not exactly. I have, uh, a ques -, I could maybe use some help."
Holly looked on sympathetically while Emma steeled herself then blurted out, "I was wondering if I could, you know, maybe talk to you about ..."
"About...?" Holly replied, the question hanging in the air.
Emma's eyes darted toward the sex education poster on the wall and she flailed an arm in the direction of the poster, "Um, this stuff ... you know ..."
"Sex?" Holly offered.
Emma nodded her head and stared at the floor.
"Ooooookay," Holly said curiously. "Are you looking for advice?"
She took another step toward Holly's desk. "Well, kinda. I...um...well, I have a few questions about what it feels like to be, you know, ready...ready to go all the way."
"I'm sorry, I'm confused. Are you asking for yourself? Aren't you married?" Holly asked.
Ashamed, Emma nodded her head yes.
"And you haven't...?"
Emma shook her head and said, "No. I mean, we've um, no, I just can't bring myself to go through with it."
"Holy crap, this is a first. I've met student virgins before..." she trailed off.
"I shouldn't have come. I have to-"
"No wait, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Give me another chance. I'd like to help if I can."
Emma reconsidered. Now that she was here, she really did want to talk.
"Please promise me you won't tell anyone. This is very personal," Emma started. "I just needed someone to talk to, someone with experience."
"Your secret is safe with me," Holly said reassuringly.
"Okay, so let's talk. Have a seat," she offered.
Emma stared at her, wondering how to start.
Holly leaned forward with her elbows on her knees, and said, "So tell me what, exactly, is going through your mind when he is rounding the bases, if I can assume that much?"
Emma mouthed the word "No," then launched into an explanation.
"Well, you see, we got married um, rather quickly...in Vegas actually...and I told him I wasn't ready for that physical step. He said he completely understood, but he seems to be getting impatient with me...which is making me even more nervous about it."
"Do you love this guy?" Holly asked directly.
Taken aback, Emma responded, "Yes, he's wonderful. He's handsome, sweet, funny and...handsome."
"Yet, you don't want him."
It was more of a statement than a question, Emma noticed.
"Interesting...," Holly said sarcastically.
"So maybe there's something else going on here." Holly paused, tapping her pencil on the desk.
"Think you might be gay?" she said.
Surprised, Emma replied, "No."
Holly fired back, "Depressed?"
Emma said "No."
"Still hung up on someone else?"
Emma's eyes popped open wider and she stuttered, "No...nuh...No! I mean, definitely not.
Holly raised her left eyebrow.
Emma? Holly said softly, pausing for effect. "That doesn't sound very convincing."
"So who's the other guy?"
Emma looked down at the floor, tongue tied. When she looked up, Holly was eyeing her with a questioning, but knowing gaze.
"Um, you know what?" Emma said as she jumped to her feet and started backing toward the door. "I have an appointment right now that I'm already late for so I have to go. So, thank you, Holly. Maybe we could finish this conversation, um, later?"
She didn't even wait for a reply before she flew out the door.
Holly rolled her eyes and chuckled.
When Emma reached her office she couldn't shut the door fast enough. Safely inside, she leaned up against the back of the door, heart racing.
I am committed to Carl. I love Will as a friend.
I am committed to Carl. I love Will as a friend.
I am committed to Carl. I love Will as a friend.
Mantras suck.
Emma did her best to concentrate on work for the rest of the day. She had a steady stream of visitors to help the time pass. Thankfully, Rachel stayed away. Probably had something to do with the trust lecture she had delivered the last time she came by to talk about her break-up with Finn.
Trust was important to Emma and Rachel had betrayed Finn. "Feeling insecure and confused is not an excuse for betraying someone who loves you dearly", she had said, or something like that anyway. Rachel had burst into tears and fled her office. She probably could have taken a softer approach, but it had been a bad day. She made a note in her daily planner to seek Rachel out tomorrow.
Emma packed her things, slung her tote bag over her shoulder and headed out to the parking lot. It was starting to get dark out, but she could see that Will's car was still parked next to hers. She was turning her key in the lock when a loud noise erupted behind her and she nearly jumped out of her skin. She should have realized it was just Will starting his clunker.
He gave her a casual "sorry" wave as he jacked up the volume on his stereo and put the car into reverse. Before she saw the bright blonde hair, she heard a female voice belt out, "Just gonna stand there and hear me cry. Well, that's all right because I love the way you lie. I love the way..."
They drove off. Together. She assumed Will would sing the Eminem part. And then she cried.