I think I should mention that there will be Cameron-bashing in this chapter—okay, the entire story. It's not that I dislike her; she's just fun to mess with, especially because of her puppy-dog crush on House. You know who I hate? STACY (*cough* Skank! *cough*). But she does bring good drama. Anyway….

….I own nothing. Why do people mention this? If I owned House, do you think I'd be writing SPOOF?! NO! I'd be writing a very romantic scene in which House & Cuddy make out in each scene and the team do diagnoses in song. Wilson would also say 'carpe diem' a lot and recite lines from "Dead Poets Society". Haha.

Chapter 4: I'm On a Boat, Don't You Ever Forget!

Wilson & Cameron are by the dining hall, waiting on everyone else to get there.

Wilson: *epic sigh* where in the hell is everyone? I told everyone to meet here at six, and it is six-oh-five! We've been waiting here forever.

Cameron: House is probably postponing the inevitable—we're soo going to hook up tonight.

Wilson: Are you serious? House loves Cuddy, hon. Not you.

Cameron: Why do people keep saying that? He's in love with me!

Wilson: Look Allison, I think you're a really good person; you were there for me with Amber died, and I'll always appreciate that. But what I'm about to tell you is being told with all of the love in the world—House. Loves. Cuddy. You. Idiot.

Cameron: Sorry James, but I think you're wrong. You'll see.

Wilson: I don't think I'm wrong this time, I think you'll end up getting hurt in the end.

Cameron: It doesn't matter. If I have to get hurt in order for him to admit his love for me, then that's the price I have to pay.

Wilson: Then the price is WRONG, bitch!

*Taub, Chase & Foreman finally show up in tuxedos*

Cameron: Wow, you guys look nice. Where have you been? It's 6:07!

Taub: Chillax, woman! We were, uh….

Chase:…looking at some hot babes on the cruise, mate

Foreman: Er, yeah, okay.

Wilson: Whatever. Have you guys seen House & Cuddy? What about Thirteen?

Foreman: Thirteen had a little bit too much fun on the cruise…

FLASHBACK: Thirteen is walking on the cruise deck outside when she gets an idea…

Thirteen: Finally, I'm alone! I've tricked everyone into thinking that I'm over my Twilight addiction. It was so easy! Ooh, I know what to do. I'll jump into the ocean and Edward will save me; then I can bring him back and show everyone that he IS real!

*jumps into the Gulf of Mexico*

END FLASHBACK

Cameron: Uhhh, WHAT?

Wilson: Thirteen is over her Twilight addiction. She's had two stints Twilight Fangirls Anonymous!

Chase: I guess it wasn't enough, mate.

*Cuddy finally arrives, dragging House, dressed in a tux, behind her*

Wilson: Finally, you guys made it!

Cuddy: Yeah, well, House tried to make things difficult for me by taking my suitcase and hiding my clothes in various places around the ship

House: Lighten up, it was just a fun game of Hide & Seek!

Cuddy: You didn't have to hide my panties in your pants, House.

House: I was just spicing things up a little…

Cuddy: Anyway, I finally found everything, and got dressed. Then I had to get him dressed.

Wilson: Had to GET him dressed, huh?

Cuddy: Keep dreaming, James. I just blackmailed him into going.

House: JUST BLACKMAILED? Jimmy, she threatened to throw my Paris sex tape overboard. She dangled it over the balcony until I had the tux on.

Cuddy: We're here now. Let's just enjoy the dinner, shall we?

House: With the twins coming out to play in that dress, I'll enjoy anything this dinner throws at us

*insert Cameron sad face here*

Cameron: Can we skip the bad soap opera sexual tension & go inside already? I'm starving!

Wilson: OMG Cameron, this isn't a soap opera! We're very important, dramatic doctors, damnit, and we're not "Grey's Anatomy"! But I'm starving too, and I don't feel like arguing with you right now, so let's go inside.

*everyone agrees and walks inside. They are seated and order their random food that no one cares about*

Taub: Hm, I wonder who the singer is going to be tonight. I'm hoping it's Cher.

House: You would.

Taub: Bite me.

Chase: Shhh, it's starting!

Announcer: And now, ladies and gentlemen, introducing tonight's singer—from "American Idol", here's SANJAYA!

Taub: YAY SANJAYA!!!

House: Oh my God, I'm leaving.

*Sanjaya begins singing off-key*

Sanjaya: I'm not gayyyyyyy/and neither is Ryan Seacrest…..

Chase: No. No. We're NOT going to be listening to this guy all night.

Foreman: Do you want to do what we practiced earlier?

Taub: NOO! I love Sanjaya!!

Foreman: Fine. Chase & I will take care of this by ourselves.

*Foreman and Chase head up to the stage, pushing Sanjaya off*

Sanjaya: Oh my fricking gosh. I'm fixing to have a B.F.!

Chase: What's a B.F.?

Foreman: a Bitch Fit.

Chase: Oh. Eh, well, it's Sanjaya. Who cares?

Taub: What the hell are you guys doing? BRING BACK SANJAYA!! *begins crying like the Crying Girl*

House: OMG, shut the hell up Taub!

*Ryan Seacrest pops out of nowhere on stage*

Ryan: Err, if you'd like to vote Sanjaya as the next Boat Idol, please call 867-5309. JENNY, CALL ME BAAAACK!

*everyone cheers*

Ryan: Now for your REAL dining room entertainment, Chase & Foreman from "House" will be performing a classy, entertaining duet…

CHASE & FOREMAN'S SONG: "I'M ON A BOAT"

Chase & Foreman: I'm on a boat
I'm on a boat
Everybody look at me cause I'm sailin on a boat
I'm on a boat
I'm on a boat
Take a good hard look at the motherfuckin boat

Chase: I'm on a boat motherfucker take a look at me
Straight flowin on a boat on the deep blue sea
Bustin five knots, wind whippin out my coat
You can't stop me motherfucker cause I'm on a boat

Foreman: Take a picture, trick I'm on a boat, bitch
We drinking Santana champ, cause it's so crisp
I got my swim trunks, and my flippie-floppies
I'm flippin burgers, you at Kinko's straight flippin copies

Chase & Foreman: I'm ridin on a dolphin, doin flips and shit
The dolphin's splashin, gettin e'rybody all wet
But this ain't Seaworld, this is real as it gets
I'M ON A BOAT MOTHERFUCKERS, DON'T YOU EVER FORGET!

END OF CHASE & FOREMAN'S PERFORMANCE

Taub: I'M ON A BOAT, BIITTCH! WHOO!!

Ryan Seacrest: Screw this. Chase & Foreman win "Boat Idol"!

Chase & Foreman: Yay! Epic win!

Ryan: That's all for tonight folks. I'm off to go make an idiot of myself elsewhere. Seacrest out!

*Ryan Seacrest leaves, while everyone begins drinking & pAArtying*

2 hours later…..

Wilson: jrhwemfbnjwmfiuqewrukqyewkjg

Cameron: Whaaa?

Wilson: I wanna go back to the room now. I think I'm drunkkkk *stands up and promptly passes out on the table…without pants on*

Cameron: omg, why aren't you wearing pants?

Cruise Director: Um, sir? Ma'am? I think I found your missing pants across the room. I think you thought the Macarena included a strip tease…

Cameron: Bah ha. Hey, wake up! *pours a bucket of water on Wilson*

Wilson: *wakes up & grabs his pants* thank you sooooo much "ossifer cruise person!" Maan, I wouldn't want to get arrested for being pant-less again. Hey, where'd everyone go?

Cameron: I dunno, but I remember House saying something about finding Cuddy. Oh no! They can't be by themselves! They could be giving into their hot sexual tension that everyone can see except for them!

Wilson: Screw it and let them screw each other already. Let's just go back to the room, okay? I wanna go to sleep!

Cameron: Noo, I don't wanna go…I wanna be with House…*passes out*

Wilson: Dude, you're pathetic AND drunk!

*Wilson somehow finds the strength to pick Cameron up, and carries her to their room*

Meanwhile, at the front of the boat, House has been sitting with a drunk-ass Cuddy for an hour when she finally wakes up

House: Good morning, sunshine!

Cuddy: What the hell? What am I doing out here?

House: Erm, well…

FLASHBACK

Drunk!Cuddy: I want to go flying!

*Cuddy runs outside while House runs—oops, WALKS—after her with his flame cane, because it makes him look like he's going faster*

House: Cuddy, you're drunk. You can't fly!

Cuddy: Nonsense. Haven't you ever seen "Titanic"?

House: I saw the part where Kate Winslet got naked, but that's pretty much it.

Cuddy: Look, I just wanna feel the wind in my hair.

House: Then get a freaking fan!

*Cuddy heads to the front of the boat. She climbs up the railing and raises her arms…and nearly falls overboard when…*

House: NOO! *runs in slow-mo behind Cuddy*

Cuddy: Oopsie!

House: Fine. If you're going to go all Titanic on me, then I'm going to hold you up.

*Cue "My Heart Will Go On" while House & Cuddy are 'flying'*

Cuddy: I'm flying, House! I'm really flying!

House: Yeah, yeah. Hey, can we stop the music now? It gets old after, oh, 10 years.

*music ends*

Cuddy: That was sooo much fun! *passes out on top of House, who gets knocked out cold*

END FLASHBACK

House: …and that's all I can remember.

Cuddy: That would explain why my ass hurts.

House: Thanks for the knot on the back of my head, by the way

Cuddy: Oops. Sorry.

House: Look, let's just go back to the room. I'm zonked.

Cuddy: Yeah, okay.

*House & Cuddy head to their hotel room*

HOTEL ROOM

Cuddy: Ugh, I've got a headache.

House: That's what you get for being a PartyPants.

Cuddy: So funny, House.

*they both stare at each other with their sexual tension and stuff*

Cuddy: You wanna kiss me, don't you?

-fangirl SQUEEEEEE-

House: Why do I feel a sense of déjà vu?

Cuddy: Uh….aren't you supposed to say something now?

House: Oh, right. I always want to kiss you.

*they lean in to kiss when they hear a huge BOOM…and then feel the boat sinking*

Chase: CRIKEY!!! THE BOAT IS SINKING!!

Oh, you have to know what's coming up next, right? Stay tuned for the next chapter! Until then, reviews are love =]