Sneevle Flu - Helen Chakwas, Zaeed Massani, and Mordin Solus

Dr. Helen Chakwas liked to think she was still the expert on human medicine on the Normandy. Mordin had always conceded her this victory, but the salarian's encyclopedic knowledge on everything from elcor parasites to medieval turian music sometimes made her wonder if he wasn't just humoring her.

So it was with a vague feeling of dread that she stood by and watched Zaeed get his second opinion.

Mordin 'hmmmm'ed and 'hrrmmm'ed as he examined the grizzled mercenary, who sat on the examining table like a child with a stomachache.

"Mouth open," Mordin commanded, and Zaeed obeyed (he even had a scar on his tongue for goodness' sake). The salarian peered inside, clucking softly to himself for a half second before turning away to his workbench. "Examination complete," he said, not looking at them.

"Give it to me straight, Doc," Zaeed said. "I caught the goddamn drell cancer, didn't I? That bastard Krios. I swear to God, if he weren't dying already I'd kill him."

Chakwas had had enough - this was just getting silly. "For the final time, you're fine, Mr. Massani. You're just getting old. Running out of breath is not all that uncommon for older men."

Zaeed shot her a grimace that anyone else might have found intimidating. "I was old twenty years ago and I was fine. Now I'm sick."

Chakwas might have pitied him before, but not anymore. Ever since Thane's disease had worsened, the whole crew had been on edge, but to have Zaeed, of all people, mucking up her med bay with his paranoia was utterly ridiculous.

"Give it a rest, you big baby! For someone with so many war stories you're curiously afraid of a little cough!" She turned to Mordin. "Would you please tell him he's fine?"

"Will not lie to patient," Mordin said, face dead serious as he turned to reveal the enormous needle he had prepared. "Agree with Mr. Massani. Direly ill."

Chakwas' mouth dropped.

"You can't possibly-"

"Mr. Massani obviously suffering from Batarian Sneevle Flu," Mordin interrupted. " Very deadly disease. Very good he came to me." The salarian nodded, unsmiling.

"Jesus Christ. Is there a cure?" Zaeed whined, already holding out a tattooed arm for Mordin to inject.

"Yes. Deadly but easy to cure. Will use electro-generator therapy. Rare salarian technology."

Chakwas confusion melted away as Mordin revealed his 'rare salarian technology' to be little more than a pair of electrodes, pulled out of an ordinary electrophoretic runner. Zaeed, however, held out his arms, face grim as Mordin attached an electrode to each hand.

"May be painful," Mordin warned, turning back to the machine and flipping it on. Zaeed gave a quick jump. "Stage one therapy."

Zaeed grimaced. "Is that it?"

"No, no. Now must reverse polarity on neutron flow." He dialed a random knob. "Overloading mainframe!" Another random button – the salarian was clearly enjoying himself now, and making no efforts to hide his sing-songy tone. "Hacking into root directory!"

Mordin flicked the switch off, back to business in a flash. "Treatment complete."

Zaeed blinked, looking a little shocked by the suddenness of Mordin's proclamation, as if he couldn't tell if he was allowed to be relieved yet. "…that's it?"

Mordin nodded. "Yes. Completely cured. Feel better, I assume?"

Zaeed let out a sigh of relief and slumped down on the bed. "Thanks mate. I feel worlds better. Feel like a goddamn kid again."

Chakwas and Mordin couldn't keep the smiles off their faces as Zaeed slid off the table, grabbed his shirt and, with a last victorious grin at Chakwas, marched from the lab.

"…reversing the polarity on the neutron flow?" Chakwas asked as soon as the door had slid shut. She grinned at Mordin.

"Had to improvise. Old men, sometimes stubborn."

Chakwas laughed.

A/N: Written in about 15 minutes with no editing to fill three prompts on the me_challenge community. Prompts were "there's a ghost in my lungs and it's killing me", "now this is getting silly", and "I reversed the polarity of the neutron flow."

For those who care, next chapter of Interstitium is on the way. Just giving me some trouble.