As I walked down the sidewalk a month later I couldn't help but smile. It had been an awesome month, everything seemed too good to be true and that's why my smile only lasted a few seconds before my mind went into overdrive and began over thinking everything.
Austin had been...amazing. He would always text me good-morning and good-night. They weren't sappy texts just simple ones that were simply out of guilt most likely. He had brought me food and flowers over numerous occasions, another attempt to woo me. He was also always checking on me, making sure I was ok and asking if I needed help studying. We had hung out with Tori and Scott more than we had hung out alone. I sort of felt bad for that as he was trying and would always ask if I wanted to grab a bite to eat or catch a movie with him. I just wasn't ready yet, I wanted to make him work for it. But, then again he had been trying...was I being too hard on him? Would playing hard to get work this time, or would he just get tired of it and move on?
I still hadn't changed my major from teaching and my minor was still musical education. Although I was beginning to agree with my choices from before. I had begun writing a little bit again and now I was realizing this was my passion and I would love to share this with the youth so they can love it too. Like Austin said to me the other day "Why have an amazing talent and not share it with anyone?"
I still had yet to share my songs with him and that had put some strain on our 'relation-friendship' as well. We were supposed to hang out tonight but I told him Tori needed my help with homework so that I could write in peace. It was just one of those nights.
As I approached my dorm room I got out my key only to have the door swing open before me and a very frazzled looking Tori standing behind it holding dresses with her hair in curlers.
"What's the occasion?" I asked, with a small smirk.
"Scott and I's official one year! Now get in here!" She yanked me into the room.
Luckily the couch broke my fall as she flung me like one of her dresses, which were all on the floor.
"I forgot that was tonight" I said starting to bite my nails.
"Yeah, sorry is this weird for you?" She asked, remembering my dilemma with Austin.
"No!" I quickly answered. "It's just I made this lame excuse that I had to help you with homework so I didn't have to hang out with Austin"
Her face drooped as she turned from her closet. "Why would you do that? Did he do something?"
"No.." I started as she began to look again. "It's just...I don't know. I just feel like he tries too hard now when we hang out alone. Like he's walking on eggshells or something."
She turned again, but this time with a dress in her hand. She started towards the bathroom, leaving the door cracked. "Well, yeah!" She said like it was a 'duh' moment. "You made him act that way. He is nervous because he is trying to prove he's changed. You have put a lot of pressure on him and we can tell he has been trying."
"I know, I see it too. I can tell he is but I just wish he would be more relaxed."
She came out wearing the dress. "Pause. What do you think?"
I smiled. "It's gorgeous!"
And it was. She was wearing a off-white lace dress that was tight at the top then flowed out the bottom and ended mid-thigh. Her hair was now down in loose dirty blonde curls with a small braid on the side of her head. She smiled and walked over to pair some gold jewelry.
"But back to you..Ally, have you even told him that though? Have you showed him any sign of your approval?"
I didn't speak right away and she spun around.
"Ally!" She exclaimed.
"In my defense, He left for 3 months not me!"
"Seriously Ally? When are you going to let that go? Stop beating the horse...it's dead! He apologized and last time I checked you accepted it. You guys fucking started over! He is trying and Scott and I have talked about this before, we see him trying. I wasn't always a fan of Austin but I do believe he is changing for the better. All he wants is your acceptance Ally, and you aren't even going to give him a little gratitude?"
"I've given him gratitude!" I defended.
"Saying 'thank you' when he brings you food or asks about your day or constantly checks up on you doesn't count! You have to show him that you want this to work, hell if I was him I would have been 3 chicks passed you by now!" She instantly turned around, paused, then rushed to sit next to me. "I didn't mean that, but it's true Ally. You have to show him that you care as much as he does, show him he is doing a good job. You can't keep him waiting and working for something that you refuse to give. He wants your love and if you don't give it to him, he might just have to walk away. I'm not saying he will but you've pushed him away before."
"Gee, thanks Tor!" I shot back at her sarcastically.
"Hey!" She hopped up. "I am only trying to help you. If I don't tell you the truth who will?" She exclaimed.
I nodded, understanding her side. "I know..it's the hard truth for a reason. Thank you though." I hugged her as there was a knock on the door.
Her eyes went wide as she began to rush around, cleaning up the dresses and finding her shoes. I however went for the door.
"I got it!" I yelled, making it seem like we were cool and collected.
As I opened the door, sort of slower than necessary, I revealed Scott in a slacks and a button up shirt with dress shoes. He was holding flowers, pansies, aka Tori's favorite.
"Hi Scott" I said as he was brought out of his dream world, looking over my shoulder most likely at a frazzled Tori.
"Hey" He said, somewhat coolly but I could tell he was nervous.
"Tori's almost read-"
I was pushed out of the way as Tori approached the door. "Ready!" She smiled.
I watched as he eyes grew and she blushed.
"Do..do I look ok?" She asked, shyly which was a new thing for Tori as she was always confident.
"Ye-uh..amazing...you look amazing." He stuttered and I felt my heart warm at the couple.
"Now, you have fun you two and have her back by 11...eh make it 12" I joked as Tori handed me the flowers and they escaped out the dorm.
As I closed the door and returned to my now empty and somehow clean room I searched for a vase and came up short. I finally settled on a flowery mug that I found in the cabinet...that's college life for ya!
After placing the flowers on the table I flipped on the TV and began to search for something to watch. 15 minutes passed and I was finally settled on some nature documentary as I blew a sigh of complete boredom and made a quick and spontaneous decision to text a certain blonde.
Me: Hey, you still up to hang out..Tori cancelled. Pizza and a movie on me?
I waited nervously with my phone in my hand as a few minutes passed, until finally it buzzed and I nearly jumped out of my seat.
Austin: I kinda guessed you weren't going on their date..lol, but sorry I already made other plans. Maybe tomorrow?
I felt my heart drop into my stomach at the text currently on my screen. He didn't need me anymore...he found other friends. I should have known he wouldn't sit around waiting for me.
Me: Oh ok. Maybe see you tomorrow! Have fun!
Austin: If you need me to come over I can, I won't be long here.
Me: No, it's fine. I could use a night to myself anyway, see you tomorrow?
Austin: Definitely. Text me if you need anything.
I felt a tear roll down my cheek as the conversation unfolded. He would drop his plans on the dot for me..and I had been so standoffish to him this past month. He was no longer the problem in the relationship..it was me. I wasn't trying, I wasn't giving it 100% and he was.
I put on some sappy, romance movie and made some popcorn before cuddling under a bunch of blankets. After a few minutes of the terrible movie and some yelling at the screen about how life doesn't work that way, I changed the movie to a horror film I was waiting to watch with Austin, but needed to watch to get my mind off of him.
Halfway through the 3rd movie there was a knock on my door and I nearly jumped through the roof. I slowly got up keeping a blanket wrapped around me as I made my way to the door. I slowly unlocked the door and opened it just a sliver.
"Austin?" I said opening the door fully to see two other guys holding him up as his head drooped.
"Hey, Scott told us to bring him here...said you could take care of him?" The taller one of the two said as they pushed their way into the room.
"Uhh...yeah?" I said, unsurely, as they laid him on the couch. "But..what's wrong with him?"
"Can't you see? He's drunk off his ass!" The shorter one laughed as they left the room closing the door behind them.
I shook my head before grabbing a water from the mini fridge and sitting on the coffee table in front of him. I sat there for a few seconds in silence before a loud groan filled the room and Austin rolled over onto his back.
"Austin?" I questioned, not knowing what else to say.
"Als?" He whispered, eyes still closed. "Where are you?"
I couldn't help but let out a small giggle before placing a hand on his stomach. "Right here"
"Oh…" He said and my smile grew...then quickly fell "I'm sorry"
I took a double take as he blindsided me. "For what?"
"Everything. I ruined our relationship and now everything I try isn't working. You'll never trust me again because I was a baby. I was a coward, an idiot. I'm such a fucking idiot." He shouted.
"No, Austin you aren't an idiot. You did idiotic things but that doesn't make you an idiot. You were sick remember. We are working on us, it's all going to be ok" I tried comforting him.
"No..you hate me. I know you do, I see the resentment in your eyes when I try to do stuff for you. I know it's not working. I'm sorry I'm not good enough. Just a stupid kid with no parents, and not good for anything but pushing people…"
He trailed off before starting to snore. I wasn't one for drinking and getting drunk but I knew what had happened. He finally passed out. And that was good he needed sleep but I decided to stay up and make sure he didn't choke on puke or something in his sleep.
I rolled him onto his side with more than a little effort before placing a blanket over his lower half. His legs curled and left a little room for me to ball up at the end of the couch. I rested my head on the back of the couch and watched as his torso would rise and fall with each breath.
I felt my eyes get heavy but knew I wasn't going to fall asleep since I had with these new drunk, but true, confessions floating around in my head, sleep was the last thing I would be getting tonight.
I felt someone shaking my shoulder as I lifted my head from 'resting' my eyes. It was now barely daylight and I realized I had dozed off at some point a few hours ago. I lifted my head but instantly regretted it as my head started to spin.
"Are you gonna explain?!" I tilted my head to see Tori and Scott sitting there with amused looks on their faces.
"Huh?" I mumbled trying to get up but realized I was blocked in as Austin's legs were now laying on top of mine.
Being the normal cranky, morning Ally I was I shoved his legs off the couch sending his whole body to the cold hard floor. I didn't care if he woke up, he's the reason my back and neck and head were killing me, he deserved a little tough love.
"Thanks again by the way...leave it to Austin to try and ruin the night" Scott let out a laugh and I gave a face before mocking his laugh sarcastically.
"Hey no need to get sassy!" He laughed before plopping onto the now abandoned couch and flicking on the TV.
I walked over to my bed and decided I deserved a few hours of sleep that didn't include my ex crushing me with his legs. Just as I started to drift off though I was being yanked out of bed and dragged over to the couch again.
"Why?!" I whined as I was now sitting on the couch next to a half awake Austin. "You look terrible!" I gasped looking at him.
He cocked a face before looking back at the TV. "You don't look much better" He mumbled under his breath.
I smacked his arm in response.
"Stop you two!" Tori yelled. "Now, today is Saturday and since it is the 3rd Saturday of the month that meansss?!" She held out the 's' and paused for dramatic effect. "Family Fun Day!" She yelled and we all winced.
"Tor, can't we just skip one...please? I'm so tired, SOMEONE kept me up all night" I shot a glare towards Austin but he ignored it.
"Listen Ally..I don't need to, nor do I care to, hear about what you spend your nights doing while I'm gone but-"
"TORI!" I exclaimed, completely disgusted with her humor at the moment.
Austin let out a stiff laugh and I completely lost it.
"Oh you think that's funny? Last time I checked you were the cause of all this mess!" I instantly felt bad about my word choice but before I could back track Austin spoke up.
"So I was right, you haven't forgiven me. You still hold that grudge, the blame is still on me? Open your eyes Allyson, I have been trying to prove to you that I have changed because I have. If anyone needs to do some changing around here it's you!" I gasped at his tone as it grew. "You have been making me so paranoid this past month thinking I was going to screw it up and that I wasn't trying hard enough, when really you are the one not trying."
"Aus-"
"I'm not done! I have felt so guilty for so long and you knew that and you still let me go. What, did you think I deserved to suffer more? Did you think to yourself 'hey he hasn't put up with enough shit in his life I should make it worse because hey! He left for 3 months so that he could save himself from ending his life.' Honestly Ally, would you have rather me stay and continue on that path?"
"Austin, we've talked about this before. I underst-"
"Stop! I swear to the lord above if you say you 'understand what I went through those 3 months' I will walk out that door and never come back. You have no idea what I went through! You have both parents, you weren't suicidal, you didn't lose yourself."
There was a long, quiet pause, that seemed to last for hours, before someone finally spoke up. In that time Tori and Scott quietly made their way out of the room, leaving me and Austin alone.
"You're right I didn't lose myself. But, I did however lose my best friend, my partner in crime, my love of my life. I lost you and I'm afraid...I'm afraid that I still haven't found you because I refuse to move forward. I can't move on because I still resent myself for not calling you or visiting you. I was the one who was healthy, and I should have been there for you. I'm sorry."
He looked at me with bewilderment. "Wha-what?"
"I'm sorry Austin. I'm sorry for abandoning you in your time of need. I should have been there."
He sat there with wide eyes for a moment before speaking up. "I don't know what to say.."
"You don't have to say anything. You never have to say anything again. You shouldn't have to constantly explain yourself over and over again. I'm so sorry, so sorry. I want this to work so much but instead of taking blame for everything I have been pinning it on you and you don't deserve that. I'm going to change though, I am. I have to. If you can forgive me, I mean...I just...I'm-" I felt the hot tears fall down my face and a lump form in my throat blocking my voice from coming out.
Before I knew it I was being encased in a tight embrace, the same one that had always brought me comfort before and still did. I buried my face into his shirt and allowed my tears to flow freely, soaking it. As my sobs began to intensify my body shook and my breathing was becoming labored.
"It's going to be ok Als, we're going to be ok" He spoke into my hair as he rested his chin on my head and began to rub my back.
I forced myself to stop and held back my sobs. "How do you know?"
"Because there's no other option" He smiled sadly down at me and we embraced again.
After a few minutes the door was forced open and a frazzled Tori came through with a not so collected Scott behind her. The both doubled over, out of breath.
"What's wrong?" I asked, tearing myself from Austin, as I never wanted to do.
"It's Sydney" She breathed out.
So sorry! I had the move and everything and it was all so crazy and hectic but I have pre-written the next chapter so it will be out when I see fit. Im gonna hold it for a few days but maybe if this chapter gets an awesome turn out I will post it earlier! Thank you all for reading and reviewing and following and favoriting! XOXOX