Me: And now, because I find it is quite fun to kidnap another character to do you disclaiming for you, I present, the shiny elf dude who I pulled out from one of the plot holes, Legolas from Lord of the Rings!
Legolas: How did I get here? Who are you? Where's Gimli, and Aragorn? I have something very important to tell them: They're taking the Hobbits to Isengard!
Me: *snortswaterupnose*
Legolas: What's so funny? It's true, they're taking the Hobbits to Isengard!
Me: *laughs* Legolas, my dear shiny elf dude, I'm going to have to show you this one very funny YouTube video. NOW DISCLAIM BEFORE I CUT YOUR SHINY HAIR
Legolas: *cowers* Yes, ma'am. Embee does not own Bleach, or Winnie the Pooh, or me. Come to think of it, does this mean someone does own me?
Me: Yes, it does. Oh, and thanks to Miku Alli for the idea for this chapter, and for beta reading for me again! Also, the way I spell 'Soi Fong' here is the way that I've always seen it. The way it is spelt on FF is really weird and has too many funky letters that I'm too lazy to write out, and the way it's seen on Bleach Wikia is weird too. So 'Soi Fong' it is!
Legolas: Wait, what are you talking about? Who owns me?
"So where's this cupcake at?" I asked myself, searching my maps for the red dot that was sounding its alarm. "Seireitei again? Hmmm, I wonder how Ikakku's doing with Yumichika…I'm not quite sure how long it takes for those cupcakes to wear off…"
If the explosions and sudden shocks of lightning from the sky were anything to go by, I'd guess that chaos was still reigning. And that Kenpachi was still fighting Pikachu. It made me wonder how the rest of Seireitei was reacting to Ikakku's and Yumichika's (not to mention the Kenpachi-Pikachu fight) little dilemma, but then I just figured that everyone was probably just putting it off as more Squad 11 madness.
Soon I arrived at the scene of the…well, not crime…(I don't know…is tormenting fictional characters a crime?)…future chaos.
It was Soi Fong. She was studying THE AWESOME CUPCAKE OF CHAOS with the utmost interest. Upon a closer look, I saw why.
The cupcake's icing was sculpted to look like the face of a black cat.
See, these cupcakes are designed to change shape to appeal to whoever looked at them first. Yumichika's beautiful cupcake, Orihime's Ichigo cupcake, Aizen's mullet cupcake (now that was wierd), and now Soi Fong's Yoruichi cupcake.
Just as Soi Fong was reaching out for the cupcake, my map started bleeping at me.
"Another one, already?" I said in surprise. Of course, I should have expected that more than one cupcake would be found at a time, but I was hoping that it wouldn't happen. I can't be in two places at once to see both cupcakes take effect.
"I'll just go see who took the second cupcake," I said and raced off to the second location. Surprisingly, it was also in Seireitei, and not that far away.
Soi Fong looked at the cupcake in a very ninja-like way. Soi Fong was an awesome ninja, and did everything in ninja-like way. She had no idea what a cupcake was doing in the middle of her Squad's training area, unless her useless lieutenant left it there. If that were true, then why did the icing look like Yoruichi-sama?
"It is a nice-looking cupcake," Soi Fong admitted ninja-ly, "And since it has the face of Yoruichi-sama on it, I cannot allow anyone to have this cupcake!"
And so Soi Fong ate it. Like a ninja. Then she quickly did a ninja-like look-around to make sure no one had seen her eating such a sugary treat. Fortunately, no one was around. If anyone had seen her, they would quickly find themselves in the Fourth Division from being attacked by a very mad, very ninja-like ninja.
"Now I must go find Yoruichi-sama and make sure that that creepy shopkeeper is not doing anything bad to her. I must serve Yoruichi-sama!"
Kurosaki Ichigo stared at the Zangestu-shaped cupcake, wondering why in the world such a strange human treat was doing in the middle of the Seireitei.
"Come to think of it, what am I doing here?" Ichigo asked himself, "I am too busy protecting Karakura Town and being the immortal, totally badass, awesome, Gary-Stu main character that I am to be hanging around the Soul Society. I am scheduled to go get nearly killed by Grimmjow again, only to be miraculously healed by some random occurrence and kick his butt."
The truth was, Ichigo was chasing down a Hollow, making sure that he was still looking awesome while doing it, when suddenly he fell through a hole and landed in Seireitei. The hole had disappeared, and Ichigo was quite glad it did. He had seen many weird things inside that hole.
"I must find out who that shiny-haired, pointy-eared guy was with the bow, because he looks almost as awesome as me, and I want to make sure he knows that I'm the most awesomest person there is," Ichigo said to himself, reaching for the cupcake. It looked so delicious that he just had to eat it.
Anyone seeing similarities between Ichigo and Aizen?
*coughegosthesizeofRussiacough*
The cupcake tasted good. Ichigo had to admit that, but he kept scowling and looking as if he didn't care what the cupcake tasted like. But he still looked like the immortal, totally badass, awesome, Gary-Stu character that he was.
"I might as well find Kenpachi and fight him," Ichigo said to himself and wandered off, "I'll take this as a change to once again prove how awesome I am."
Shihoin Yoruichi was in a good mood. Not only had she found a bag of catnip, but she had also caught wind of a giant store of the amazing stuff hidden somewhere in Seireitei.
Just so you know, it is totally a coincidence that she found the catnip, which I totally didn't steal from Grimmjow, and I totally didn't leave obvious notes lying around about the "hidden store".
Somewhere in Los Noches…
"DAMMIT WHO TOOK MY CATNIP?" Grimmjow roared, "I TOLD ULQUIORRA TO STAY OUT OF MY F^!*G CATNIP!"
And then Grimmjow raced off to go make Ulqui-kun give him back his catnip, which I totally didn't steal.
Yoruichi was on the hunt for the catnip. She had already searched Squads Thirteen to Six, and was on her way to the Fifth. She still had yet to find the catnip. The Goddess of Flash was not happy.
Soi Fong had used her ninja-senses to sense Yoruichi's reiatsu and was racing…erm, sneaking like a ninja to go meet her mistress. Maybe now she could convince Yoruichi-sama to stay in Seireitei and away from the creepy candy seller…
Ichigo was just wandering. He couldn't sense his way out of a paper bag, but he pretended he knew where he was going. He didn't even think to head in the direction of the mass destruction that was happening in the distance.
(I wonder what Seireitei's bills are like…no wonder the Central 46 is full of self-centred idiots…)
And then they met.
Yoruichi appeared in the middle of the path, looking around for catnip. Soi Fong was on one end, and Ichigo was on the other.
And then all hell broke loose.
"Shihoin Yoruichi!" Soi Fong roared ninja-ly.
Wait, roared? Shouldn't she be glomping Yoruichi by now?
"Yoruichi-sama!" Ichigo sang, sparkles glittering in the background as his eyes lit up with hearts, and started skipping down the path.
Sang? That's almost as creepy as seeing Aizen making out with 'Glassella'.
Yoruichi looked from one shinigami to the other. One looked like she was ready to commit bloody murder; the other looked like he wanted to glomp Yoruichi.
The Goddess of Flash took one look at the oncoming shinigami, and Shunpoed out of there. Soi Fong, who had leapt up to beat down on Yoruichi, instead just barely missed Ichigo, who had tripped and fallen flat on his face. The ground beneath them fell away, revealing a large underground cavern with…
I really need to do something about that plot hole…
There was Captain-Commander Yamamoto Genryousai Shigekuni, the guy in control of the entire Soul Society (because does anyone seriously pay any attention to the Central 46?), doing some kind of shady deal with Winnie the Pooh, involving several tons of bacon.
My respect for that lovable childhood character is forever tarnished.
The strained silence between Ichigo, Soi Fon, Yamamoto, and Winnie the Pooh was broken by a whiny voice.
"BACON!"
Suddenly Kon fell from the sky and immediately started devouring the bacon. How he could eat bacon when he was a stuffed toy, I have no idea. But Yammamoto and Pooh took action the moment they saw their precious bacon being eaten by the tiny lion.
"BANKAI!" they both shouted. Wait, does Pooh even have a Zanpakutou?
By the incredibly vicious weapon in the paws of the incredibly adorable bear, I would guess so.
Soi Fong and Ichigo made their escape in the ensuing chaos. Kon had somehow pulled out Excalibur from the mountain of bacon, and was currently holding his own against Yamamoto and Pooh.
Who knew the Captain Commander could get his butt kicked by a toy?
"Yoruichi-sama! Where are you?" Ichigo was calling, skipping from roof-top to roof-top, "I want to share my awesomeness with you!"
"You vile creature," Soi Fong spat at the orange-haired shinigami, "How could you say that traitor's name with such respect? She shall die!"
"Over my dead body! Yoruichi-sama shall live forever! Bankai!"
"As you wish! Sting all enemies to death, Suzumebachi!"
Now I'm sure you're wondering why Soi Fong, who had eaten a cupcake, was suddenly out for Yoruichi's blood and not glomping her.
Heh, heh…Me too.
So I took a look at the label of the recipe for these TOTALLY AWESOME CUPCAKES OF CHAOS, and this is what it said:
"Warning: If the person who has eaten one of these cupcakes looks at another person that they are already infatuated with/greatly admire, then the reverse effect will take place."
In other words, Soi Fong, who practically worshipped Yoruichi, now hated her with a passion. Ichigo felt the normal affects, thus his sudden infatuation with Yoruichi.
"Getsuga Tenshou!"
Ichigo swung his sword at Soi Fong, and sent her flying back. Before Soi Fong could recover in a ninja-like way, she was hit by a UFPOB (Unidentified Flying Piece Of Bacon) and knocked out of the sky. Ninja-ly. Immediately, Soi Fong was attacked by Yamamoto, Winnie the Pooh, and Kon.
They were still fighting over the pile of Bacon.
Kon was winning.
"For the BACON!" Yamamoto roared, and attacked Soi Fong, thinking that she was trying to steal the bacon.
"No! The ninja is mine!" Ichigo roared back, and the two clashed.
"OUTTA DA WAY!" Pooh roared, and punched Ichigo.
What a blow to the ego. Ichigo just got punched into oblivion by a bear whose head's full of fluff. Hey, he even disappeared into the sky with a little twinkle like Team Rocket does!
Then all three bacon-fanatics fell upon Soi Fong the Ninja. Soon all four of them were battling to the death for the bacon. Soi Fong thought they were hiding Yoruichi in the pile of bacon, so she was fighting to destroy the pile. The other three were fighting to eat the bacon.
And Kon was still winning.
"Pass me some popcorn, Yoruichi, please," I said.
"Sure," Yoruichi answered around a mouthful of catnip.
Yeah, she found the hidden store that I didn't even know existed. Who would have thought that Ggio Vega keeps his stock of catnip (which I could swear he gets off the black market) in Seireitei? Under Hitsugaya Toushiro's desk, next to all of Matsumoto Rangiku's sake?
Poor Shiro-chan…
"I'll bet 20 that the bear wins," Yoruichi said.
"As the person controlling the outcome of all this, it would be dishonourable to make bets on this sort of thing," I answered with a sniff.
"Make it 30."
"Deal."
Me: Yoruichi still owes me.
Legolas: *sniff*
Me: Oh, get a grip. The video was supposed to be funny.
Legolas: I am ashamed.
Me: *rollseyes*
Legolas: Who created that video? I must regain my honour by facing them in combat.
Me: Dude, this is the 21st century, no one does that anymore.
Legolas: Then how do you regain your honour if it is tarnished in such a way?
Me: You make an equally degrading video back. Anyway, I hope you –
Aizen: *appears* Embee! You must pay for ridiculing my handsome Mullet! BANKAI!
Me: Crap! *disappears*
Aizen: You will not escape! *disappears*
Legolas: Wait! You still need to send me back to Middle Earth! And show me how to make a degrading video to regain my honour!
*silence*
Legolas: *sigh* R&R, I guess?