Chapter 4 already! I thought I'd be kind & update a couple days early seeing as you guys have been lurrrvly and given me lots of reviews!! XD
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"The PANTS Mission"
I can't believe I attacked Dave...
1 second later
It was the way he sounded when he said my name.
What did he say it like? Was it disappointment?
Probably. I bet Dave didn't think I could get any lower but oh no, I've proved him wrong.
Joys unbounded...
Time for sleep now I guess.
Maybe Lord Sandra and Big G will be nice and not make me wake up to this crap-hole of a life I have concerning Dave.
1 second later
But at least I have my pallys back. And they really are true pallys.
Saturday December 17th
12.10pm
Just woken up to the sound of Jas' Mutti tip-tapping on the door. This sort of behaviour is so strange to me – in my house it's full on barge your "danger-to-shipping" through the door making as much noise as possible to wake me up.
So all in all I didn't mind too much about getting the tip-tappiness for a wakeup call.
12 minutes later
Jas is already up and changed. She is a disturbingly happy morning person.
"Morning Gee," She said sticking her head really close to mine and looking at me like I was crazy.
I shut my eyes and mumbled, "Ge'off lessie."
Jas stood back and folded her arms. "Fine. I guess you don't want this lovely hot chocolate that I made for you then."
Hmmmm...
I opened one eye and looked at her, "With marshmallows?"
Jas tried to look thoughtful. Tried and failed I might add.
"Possibly."
5 minutes later
Sat on Jas' floor drinking scrumptious hot choccy with marshmallows. Yummy.
I would prefer to sit on the bed but Rosie is still deep asleep and snoring like a rhino so we thought it best not to wake her.
I don't particularly like getting my head duffed up first thing in the morning.
Even though I do get that often by Libby...
And I suppose we sort of missed the actual morning as its now... afternoon.
12.30pm
"So..." Jas said, "I spoke to Tom."
Oh my giddy god. I'm now full-on attention wise.
Better put my hot choccy down. This is serious.
5 seconds later
"And..." I had to say because clearly Jas is not smart enough to take my silence as a cue to carry on.
Jas looked at me and said, "Well... Tom was on his way to Sven's because he needed to pick up his magnifying glass that he had left there because it was very important for his..."
Blah blah... does she really think I am interested in what crappy equipment Hunky has got to inspect his precious Vole droppings?!
Christ on Bike what is the world coming to?
10 seconds later
"Jas you have now entered Voley Universe. When you return I will be waiting, though keep in mind I will have most likely fallen asleep."
She huffed for a bit but then said. "Right. Yes. So Tom was out walking on his way to-"
"SVEN'S!" I shouted, "I KNOW!"
1 second later
Oh no. Rosie just rolled over. I hope I didn't just wake her up. She will NOT be happy and that is le fact.
Don't wake up don't wake up!
20 seconds later
Phewww.
Coast clear – the Viking One's gone back to her snoring place of happiness.
5 seconds later
Jas is now trying to give me the cold shoulder because I yelled at her so I put on my sweetest nicest voice and said, "Oh Jassyyyy, please carry on with your amazing story."
She frowned. I think she knows I am only buttering her up.
Ahh well.
"Pleaseeeeeeee."
4 seconds later
"Pleaseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee."
"Fine." Jas said all dramatic like as though she had just offered to sacrifice one of her owls to Baby Jesus.
"So Tom bumped into Dave on his way because it turns out Dave was actually on his way to Tom's after the... errrm, well you know... after the two of you..."
Oh Lord Sandra we could be here for hours.
2 seconds later
"I get it Jas." I said but now I feel a bit miz and in a huff.
I don't really think I want to hear the rest of the story anymore. Not if it's gonna make me feel like this.
1 minute later
"When did you even speak to Hunky boy?"
"When you were asleep." Jas said in a voice that made it sound like sleeping was a crime.
I said "Well sorry if I like my beauty sleep."
Jas snorted, "Beauty sleep, you were snoring worse than Rosie."
Oh wonderful.
1.20pm
Rosie is still asleep. I got all my stuff together (my jacket and... err, that's it) and headed off towards loony headquarters – i.e. my house.
Jas' Mutti offered me a lift but I said no because I told her I wanted some time to think.
2 minutes later
But it turns out I don't really want to think about any of my thoughts at the moment.
1 second later
I need new thoughts.
2 seconds later
New happy thoughts. Yes, that sounds fabbity fab.
I wonder where I can buy some new happy thoughts?
Hmmmm.
1.35pm
In my room. Vati said a whole load of "Hirrr" when I entered. And I'm the one that supposedly 'needs' an education?
It's no wonder I don't do well at school, I've inherited the knowledge genes of a quivering gnat.
3 minutes later
Mutti and Libs are out. I wonder where on a Saturday? It's not like Mutti does anything Mutti-like such as shopping etc.
Maybe Libby's found some new friend to torture after her boyfwwwwend Josh made a quick escape. Or rather his mum said she wouldn't bring him here anymore.
I don't blame her.
In fact I feel it's my duty as a human being to warn all people who even think about coming within a ten mile radius of this place. I should put a note on the door saying, "Beware, crazy people inside, back away slowly before it's too late".
Or is that too blunt?
10 minutes later
This sucks. I've been home for like 20 minutes and I'm already bored.
30 seconds later
Phone rang.
As I hobbled down the stairs like the pathetic-spinster I am I called to Vati, "Don't worry your badger-wearing head father I'll get to the phone, stepping on the broken pieces of my heart."
Oh pantyhose, I think I may have just accidentally mentioned my love life to my Vati.
Ewwwww.
1 second later
Although actually my so-called 'love life' is as over as an over thing so I guess it doesn't matter...
And Vati is
Too dim to work out what I meant and
Too lazy to get up anyway
3 seconds later
Got to the phone.
It was a struggle to get it to my ear but I just about managed it.
"Hello." I croaked.
"Hey Gee. Mabs here."
I didn't say anything since I had a feeling about what was about to come.
Maybe I am turning into a mystic meg in these trageosity times. Maybe that is what it takes to become a bit physic – tragedy. Or in my case – enough to last a lifetime.
2 seconds later
"Jas told us what happened."
Of course she did.
Should I say something now?
No, I don't really want to. There is nothing to say. I'll just stay silent like a silent thing while Mabs absorbs all my desperadoes energy down the phone.
"I spoke to the others, and we decided a group meeting in the park."
Uh? A meeting to do what? Wallow in my crappiness? Sounds fun! Not.
3 seconds later
"Meet us by the swings in half an hour. TTFN dear."
What? I have to go out again? I've only just got in.
1 minute later
On the other hand, it will give me another opportunity to escape this valley of the mad. That's just good sense if I want to keep my health up.
25 minutes later
Walking to the park. I had a quick shower – like the quickest ever. I was only in there for 10 minutes! That is super speedy on my part. I hope Big G is proud.
Not that I care what he thinks. It's not like I owe him anything after all he's done to me.
In fact, if I could be bothered, I would most definitely turn Buddhist.
30 seconds later
Since it is vair nippy noodles out here I decided to wear my skinny jeans and boots for insulation, and then a long-sleeved top and jumper. It's not my best outfit but at least its snugly warm.
Unfortunately, I didn't have time to do... anything to my hair so it's just pulled into a bun at the back of my head and I shoved a hat over it. If anyone asks it's to keep my ears warm...
2 minutes later
Arrived at the swings. All the Ace Gang were there and chatting about something or other.
When they saw me though they all stopped and stared.
Then Jools broke the silence by saying, "Corr blimey you do look rough. Jas you were right."
20 minutes later
Sat in a circle with the Ace Gang just like we used to do in the good old days – i.e. before the whole crash fandango...
It feels like I've been here hours. Jas and Rosie have filled Ellen Jools and Mabs in on everything. Jas is so annoying at remembering every little detail. And she seemed to be enjoying re-telling possibly the worst moments of my life. How nice for her.
30 seconds later
The Ace Gang are now trying to figure out 'what should be done with me'. Honestly, they're talking about me like I'm a bloody nut job. Which I'm not by the way.
I feel like yelling, "You've got the wrong person! Let me take you to my house! There's plenty of nut-jobs there! You can take your pick! I recommend the one with the badger on his face!"
But I didn't. Because then they'd think I was even crazier.
3.15pm
Still in the park.
Still listening to the others drone on about my life.
Although I have left the circle to go and sit on the swings. If they want to talk about me like I'm not there then I might as well not be there.
I might as well be 2 metres away on the swings. So I am.
2 minutes later
"What about... err, you know... errr, therapy?"
Five guesses as to who said that.
Rosie biffed Ellen over the head then with her hat. That was quite amusing to watch.
"We've tried that already you twit."
"Err right... err yeah, okay."
1 second later
"Well I think before we decide anything," Mabs declared all philosophical-like, "the most important thing is does Georgia want us do to anything."
Hold the flying nunning second! Did someone just ask for my opinion?! Like they actually want my input!?
Nooooo. I think I may faint, I must be dreaming.
2 seconds later
Everyone turned to look at me like agog things. They really have perfected that look. Lovely.
"Well?" Jas said all pointedly like.
I frowned and swung back and forth another time before answering, "Well what?"
Jas sighed all melodramatically and then lurched forward.
Uh-oh.
10 seconds later
I've been made to rejoin the circle. By force I may add.
They keep asking me all these weird questions and I just say "err yeah" or nod my head really eagerly in answer.
So as you can guess, we're not really getting anywhere.
3 minutes later
Oh god. This is getting serious. Really serious.
Jas said, "Georgia this is it. You've got to decide."
I nodded encouragingly out of habit but I was feeling rather jelloid inside. And not the good kind.
Jas continued, "No going back, are you certain you want to be with Dave?"
Whatever happened to subtlety?
"Well I... err, I mean... I think..."
They all raised their eyebrows at me all at the same time. I bet they rehearsed that. Scary potatoes.
And then I just stopped thinking (which was surprisingly much easier than you'd think) and just said whatever would come out. Which was:
"Of course I do you complete loons."
3 seconds later
Can't...
2 seconds later
...breath...
5 seconds later
I have been subjected to the bottom of a huge game of hamburgers apparently.
They didn't even warn me! They just all pummelled me at once!
So now have I not only a broken heart but also a broken botty and arm and leg and other arm and other leg and hand and foot and stomach and head and-
Shut up brain! Shut up shut up!
20 seconds later
They finally got off me thank you Lord Sandra.
I glared my worst glare at them and said, "What in the name of my Grandvati's disturbingly flowery shirt was that for?!"
Jools opened her mouth to talk but Rosie beat her to it and said, "Shut up with meaningless chatter. We have business to discuss."
And then as if the pummelling incident had never happened they all sat down neatly in the circle again. They even left a space for me.
I tip-toed over. They were really scaring me now. Especially Rosie.
Well actually, Rosie always scares me. It would be more unusual to say, "Rosie's acting normal."
5 seconds later
I sat down in between Ellen and Jas.
Rosie said, "Right then amigos. Letus getus to workus." And then she got out her beard and pipe.
What else?
1 minute later
"Contacts." Rosie stated. "We need contacts to get to Dave."
To get to Dave? She's making it sound like we're planning to assassinate him.
"Jools," Rosie said, and pointed her pipe at Jools, "You've got Rollo in check right?"
Jools nodded all smugly.
"Ellen," Rosie carried on, "Dec?"
"Well err, I think we are... but you know, err not that-"
Rosie shouted, "Damn it woman we are wasting precious time! Shut your trap!"
Blimey O'riley Rosie is taking this detective business rather seriously. She'll be joining MI5 next. Or is it MI6? Who needs 007 when you have 00-RoRo?
She's good. I think Ellen's about to wet herself. Poor girl.
"Mabs, -"
"Got Ed all right." Mabs said grinning devilishly.
I know that look. Ew. But at least she's off the youngsters. For a while at least...
"Jas I expect you will use Tom wisely." Rosie said and I expected Jas to throw some big fit and wail about how her relationship with Tom is based on equality and all that crap and how she would never use him for anything that he did not wish to do blah blah blah.
1 second later
But she didn't. She just nodded all serious like.
Wow.
2 seconds later
"And of course I have my man as well."
I snorted. Man? More like an uncontrollable wild hairy furry bea-
"Something funny Nicolson?" Rosie growled.
Uh-oh. She may eat me.
I shook my head quickly and felt an urge to apologise a lot. I have said it before and I will say it again; weird.
15 minutes later
I think we're ready to go. I.e. Rosie has stopped talking so we are now just 6 girls shivering in a circle.
Rosie's named this the PANTS mission seeing as that word is basically Dave's...
I objected at first but then she started growling and ranting and me and pointed out that then we can talk about it without people knowing.
"They'll be totally fooled and just think we're talking about ordinary pants." Rosie said to me.
Even I had to admit then, it does have a funny ring to it...
1 minute later
"Time to go I think." Jools said and actually managed to move her legs. Mine are frozen solid. I will be here for eternity.
2 minutes later
I made Jas pull me up. She had to get Mabs' help. She is so weak it's pathetic. The ramblers association will not be happy.
30 seconds later
"Remember to report back as soon as you've done investigating." RoRo commanded to which she received a lot of shaky nods.
Brrrr nippy noodles!!
Then we heard some ruffling from the bushes a bit away. We all turned to look. And then out popped the furry beast himself!
His blonde head was galloping towards us. I had a sudden urge to bolt away quickly.
Rosie grinned and said, "I must be off. So long for now mes amies."
She turned to face us all but kept glancing at me the most, "Hold on to your PANTS, this ride's gonna be a bumpy one."
1 second later
Then she ran off to join Sven, jumped on his back and the two raced away together.
The rest of us norma normals (compared to Rosie anyway) stood there gaping at her like 5 agog things.
Jas said, "Crikey."
We all said, "I know."
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horns out ;)