I never reached him. One second I was in mid-air going at my brother's throat, the next—
"Shit!"
Flat on the floor. The sudden union of the cement floor and my chin bounced me out of my angry haze, and I winced, looking upward. I couldn't see who was pinning me, but there was an undeniable pain setting my arm and shoulder on fire. Someone had my arm locked behind me, and kneeling on my shell to boot.
I could see Donnie taking Leo away from the scene, talking to him. Like it was of any goddamn help now. I hadn't even realized they were still there. My glare locked onto Mike, who was on the floor just behind me and must have been the one holding me down. Mike looked down at me as if I'd lost my mind. The only thing I'd lost was my patience…
"Dude, what's your problem? You gotta calm down." His eyes were huge.
"Mike," I growled, trying to push myself up with my free arm. "Let. Me. Go. Now!"
"You are not going anywhere," Splinter's voice suddenly spoke, pushing me back down. "Until you have calmed yourself down."
I stopped struggling as I finally realized who was holding me to the floor. When the hell did Splinter come into the room? I felt my insides burn. That big-mouthed bastard was the one still fucking standing?! Why the hell can't anything go right for me right now? I got one brother telling me I'm not worth shit to the team and might as well leave, a master who's probably ready to kill me, and two other brothers who think I've lost it.
My teeth grit so hard the muscle in my jaw felt like it was going to snap. I knew I had to slow myself down before I really regretted it. I worked to slow my breathing, and kept my glare fixed on the floor, ignoring the glares of my family. No one moved, or spoke or anything for a minute. Mike shifted his eyes from me to Splinter, his eye ridges drawing together in question. Splinter gave him a look before turning his glare back to me. He pulled my attention back with a clearing of his throat.
"Can you act with some civility?" Splinter asked sternly.
I glared at his stern look, but my eyes flickered downward in surrender. No way in hell I was going to win this battle. I nodded and felt him get off my shell. He pulled me up from the floor and released my arm. I stepped back, rubbing my chin and glaring at the floor.
"Raphael, go to the study," he said after a moment. "I will be there momentarily."
I paused, frowning. 'Go to the study'? Not like there was anything left to keep the others from seeing…what, I couldn't let the others know about how pissed I was about my cocksucker-of-a-reject brother? I couldn't say in front of the others about how Leo said I wasn't worth shit to the team? I saw him turning to Leo, and my fists clenched angrily. Dammit, I was losing the argument, and I hadn't spoken a word yet!
"Oh, I see how this is going to go now," I spoke out angrily, turning slowly to face them. "You're going to hear his story first, and then say mine's bullshit, aren't—"
"Raphael." He looked at me fiercely. My voice died in my throat as I saw the sai in his hands. I gave them all a sideways look, my insides roiling like snakes. Mike and Don looked at me warily, Leo had this 'pokerfaced' expression, but even then I could see the alarm in his eyes.
"Go to the study, My Son. We are going to talk," Splinter said with a warning tone. "Do not disregard my warning."
I lowered my eyes, and left the room, cursing silently.
I slammed the study door behind me, and I stalked around the room. How could this happen TWICE in one fucking day? I tried to think of what I was going to say after this. Damn, I was pissed. How the hell that bastard managed to get me into trouble so many times in one goddamn day was beyond me. This question's one I've asked ever since we were old enough to get into trouble in the first place. Somehow he always managed to avoid a good deal of the disciplines that Splinter handed out over the ages. From lectures and chores to restrictions and old-fashioned ass-whippings, he somehow always managed to just barely get out of them. Well, not always, it just took practice.
I paced the study floor when I heard the door open. I glanced down, taking a breath. Here we go… Splinter closed the door behind him, the sai still in one hand. He gave me a calm look and held it up. I held back a second before approaching him to take it.
"You left your sai," he said quietly. I remembered a conversation similar to this from long ago, back when we'd had our first battle.
"I got it back now, didn't I," I replied coolly. I took the sai and put it back into my belt as smoothly as I could, despite the tremors I could feel in my hands.
"Except I am not letting this go," He then said sternly. I froze, looking up—he remembered too. Splinter motioned to one of the chairs at his desk, but I declined. He said nothing, and I leaned against the edge of the worn oak desk. Over the years of 'trial by error', I had learned that if a conversation took place at the desk, you were in real deep shit. Splinter remained standing, and folded his arms, in silent thought. He sighed quietly, and then looked at me with practiced patience.
"Raphael, I want to know what happened," he started, "that was so formidable that it resulted in you attacking your brother like that." I shook my head. The interrogation had begun.
"That's what he told you, huh," I replied as carefully as I could without sounding too disrespectful. I wasn't going to fuck up the conversation like I had before. If Splinter was gonna listen to me, I had to keep a grip on things, or else it would be the usual shouting match.
"Leonardo told me that the two of you were talking in the kitchen, and that something was said and you lunged at him with your weapon," Splinter replied sternly, "am I incorrect in my interpretation of what your brother told me?"
"He was the one to start any of the attacking," I said, frowning.
"What did he do?" Splinter asked.
"He was trying to piss me off by saying stuff," I said. Splinter just shook his head.
"If you knew he was instigating you," he started, "you should have ignored him or come to me."
"Yeah, that Really would have helped," I remarked, snorting. "Leave it to you to make any argument one-sided around here."
"No argument has one side, My son," Splinter replied, shaking his head. "I am your father. I am not only here when you are in trouble. I want to help you when something is troubling you, but how can I if you do not speak to me?"
I stepped away from the desk, folding my arms to just get them out of the way. I reminded myself to be careful of what I said. I didn't want to lose this battle, but I could feel myself getting angrier.
"Whatever," I muttered, "No matter what happens, I get the shitty end of the stick. It's always been like this."
"Everything is not always set against you, Raphael. Nothing is made to be only good for one of any of you. Everything is done depending on what is necessary for the situation," Splinter said, "I do not try to denigrate any of you, nor do I try to show favoritism." He gradually walked towards me until we faced each other again.
I felt my insides turn as I listened to him speak. He might not have tried, but it was there. There were so many things that weren't intentional, but still happened—the mutation, the solitary confinement of having to live underground, the prejudicial bullshit from the humans—all of it. That was something I couldn't control. Having to deal with a brother who tells me that I might as well not even be part of the damn clan…no. No, I wasn't going to take anymore of his crap. Things were gonna change once and for all…
"I am so sick and tired of the bullshit I have to go through with him," I started, " If you would just--"
"Raphael, you are overreacting," He replied. "Leonardo had no right in saying what he did and I will speak to him about it. But…he Is your brother… does what he did still give you the right to attack him?"
"A Brother doesn't call you worthless," I rounded angrily, "a brother doesn't say that you don't belong in your own ho--"
"A brother also does not attack those his own family," Splinter replied, sounding like he was losing some of his own patience, "He is your brother, no matter what had been said."
I turned around, looking straight into my father's eyes, feeling hurt, frustrated, angry and betrayed all at once. He was going to hear the truth from me about my brother, whether he wanted to or not.
"If I had HALF the allowances that you give Leo…" I growled, almost to my surprise. "I don't care if he's leader or not, open your eyes and look at what your doing! If you weren't so goddamned BIASED with us, you'd see what the hell I'm taking about! Instead, you just listen to him and whatever HE says."
I walked up to Splinter, almost muzzle to muzzle.
"He is not my brother! He's been no more my brother than…than you've been my father."
There, I'd said it. I suddenly felt sick to my stomach, but it needed to be said. I felt a weight being lifted from me, only to get a larger one dumped on after a minute of silence. I struggled to keep eye contact with him, but I could feel myself losing the battle. Damn this anger…
His hand suddenly cupped my chin, lifting my face to look at him. I couldn't meet his eyes anymore. All the things I felt fought for control, but only emptiness as I looked at his face.
"I am not your biological father, that is true. Yet I have always seen you as my sons, just as you see me as your father. A family is not only of persons who are blood-related, but also of individuals who care about each other," he said, "unfortunately, it now seems that family is something you no longer find as necessary."
"I do care, Splinter, " My words felt useless to my own ears, so they probably sounded like shit to his, but I was gonna try to save whatever shreds were left of the conversation.
"Then you have much work," Splinter then said in a low but fierce tone, " In learning to watch what you say."
I blinked. I had to watch what I said?! I pulled myself back from his hold, glaring at him. After all the shit I just told him, he was going to correct ME about what I said? I felt the anger return; the bullshit was starting again, and I was without options.
"I can't believe this," I said angrily, stabbing a finger towards him. "After all the shit that's happened, what YOUR SON said to me… you tell ME that I have a problem with watching what I say?!"
"Dammit, Splinter… maybe Leo was right. Maybe I don't belong here. Maybe I shouldn't be in a place where my own brothers don't want anything to do with me, where my own father doesn't give a shit about me."
I looked at him in sheer hatred and disgust.
"Maybe that's what you want. You just want your happy lil group in a place where you can control them and do whatever the fuck you wish. Well I'm not gonna be like that. I'm not gonna stay here and just let my own family walk all over me. I'm not gonna stay in a place where I'm stuck as the scapegoat for everyone!"
I took a heavy breath after my rant, too hurt and too angry to care about the outcome of my words. Enough was enough…
Splinter watched me in a way that made me almost nervous. He was pissed. My insides suddenly dropped at what he said next…
"You are not 'stuck' anywhere, Raphael," He said angrily, " My son OR NOT, if you truly feel that way about us, then you would certainly not miss living here and being 'a scapegoat'…you are dismissed. Go now…"
I hesitated, looking at him for the briefest of moments. Then I left the room.