It's taken me half of forever, but here's chapter 4. This one is for -Rosalyn-Araya-, who kept pestering me to write. :P
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The only sound that disturbed the quiet apartment was the slow rotation of the overhead fan blades. They didn't accomplish much, merely pushing the stale air around the small room. Not that the lone occupant of the place even noticed. He sat in a battered computer chair, in front of an outdated, but working, computer. The earphones on his head, pumping out music, helped drown out the noisy neighbors. This allowed him to focus on one of the few things that gave him joy.
Why can't I finish this? Kaitin mused as he studied the picture on the monitor. Leaning back, he let the light pen he held drop onto its pad. His talent with art had always given him an escape from the pain of reality. But all it was doing now was aggravating him. Glancing down at the desk, he picked up his sketch pad and pondered it. He'd successfully copied his most recent sketch, redrawing it on his computer with a light pen and pad. Lacking money for a scanner, this was his next-best option. But he'd run into an unexpected obstacle.
The drawing consisted of a young girl, standing at the edge of a rooftop. She was looking out over a dreary landscape, the cold, lifeless ruins of a city. She wore simple clothes, bundled against the chilling wind that was astir. Her hair, just short of shoulder length, was wafting with the wind, framing her face. And therein laid Kaitin's problem.
Her face…it's not right. He'd sketched her face out in the original, but something about it just didn't fit. It had been tormenting him for the past few hours, as he sat, unable to conjure up the right face. Maybe I'm not focused enough. A gloomy sigh escaped his lips, and he shook his head. Heh. After last night, no wonder I'm so off key.
That thought brought back the events that had lead up to Rachael leaving him on his own to finish the project. Screw the project. I just want to know why she suddenly hates me or something. At that thought, his eyebrows furrowed as he questioned himself. Why am I so interested in her? I know she doesn't want to have anything to do with me.
Silence ruled for a few moments, and then he answered himself. I guess it's because she seems like she might understand me. It's not like there is really anyone else here that would. Silence again reigned as he mulled that possibility over. Then, muttering to himself about how it was all pointless anyways, he pulled off the earphones and headed into his tiny kitchen.
This apartment isn't much, but at least its mine. Kaitin's homely place was indeed small. He had a combination living room/office/dining room/everything else, off of which branched his walk-in closet sized kitchen. The hallway across from his kitchen lead to his tiny bathroom, and bedroom, with just enough room for a bed and clothes dresser. Not much, but enough for him to get along. Grabbing a glass, he filled it with tap water and started sipping. Leaning against the counter, he racked his brain for ideas on how to finish out his drawing.
The one that drifted into his head was the last one he'd ever expect. It was so unexpected, in fact, that he choked on his water and, sputtering, dropped the glass into the sink as he gasped for breath.
That's crazy. Why would I…? In the time it took for him to catch his breath, he'd collected his thoughts. Well, why not. I'll never know unless I try. Wiping stray water off his chin, he headed back to the computer. Plopping down in the worn chair, he grabbed the light pen and went to work. Closing his eyes momentarily to refresh his mental image, he put the pen to the pad and began finishing the girl's face.
Five minutes later, he again leaned back and studied his work. His gaze swept over the city, the dreary skyline, and the ruins. Satisfied with those, he turned to the girl. He examined her clothes, her hair, and then, with a moments hesitation, her face. To see Rachael Roth's pale face, her large blue eyes looking out at him from behind windswept lavender hair.
It's complete. She fits, perfectly. Reflecting for a moment on that train of thought, he leaned his head on his chin. Gazing at her, his mind churned. I don't even know that much about her, but I saw it in her eyes, the same…lacking. She's all alone, just like me. Dropping his head into his hand, he suppressed a dismal moan. And now any chances I had of making a friend of her are gone.
After five or so minutes of self pity, he saved his work and closed his machine down. Grabbing his CD player and headphones, he decided to do what every teenager does when down in the dumps-listen to depressing music. Lying back on the couch, he popped in a mix he'd burned and let the music take him away from the problems of reality.
No one knows what it's like
To be the bad man
To be the sad man
Behind blue eyes
I've never found anyone who even cares to know, to know me or my story. Not that I've ever cared to share it. Watching the fan blades twirling, he though about the times he'd been through and the things he'd seen. The slow whirl of the fan caused him to smirk at himself. That's how my life has been. A slow whirlpool, sucking away any chance at making it what I want.
No one knows what it's like
To be hated
To be fated
To telling only lies
As the heat of the room slid him closer to sleep, his thoughts trailed off into mushy nonsense. His eyelids grew heavier by the second, lethargy filling his frame. He had time for one last rumination. That's what it is-she's empty too, just like me.
But my dreams
They aren't as empty
As my conscience seems to be
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"It seems to me that what happened last night could have been easily avoided." Hope spoke, having returned to her usual calm self. She sat in a little circle, in a group including Regret, Joy, and a newcomer to their circle, Curiosity. Rage was off somewhere ranting, and Fear was probably huddled in a corner by herself. Sarcasm, oddly enough, was nowhere to be seen.
"We let Rage have her way, and now we have to deal with the consequences," Joy spoke in an almost whisper. The gathered emotions nodded or voiced their agreement, then lapsed into a moment of silence. None wanted to broach the subject of how to deal with those consequences.
The silence was shattered as an inquisitive voice spoke out. "Why don't we apologize to him?" Curiosity said, her face perking up as the idea hit her. "She could go to his apartment and apologize, and then we could see where he lives!" At that, Hope's expression also brightened, as did many of the other emotions. Then Joy, momentarily playing the role of Fear, put her two cents in.
"How do we know he wouldn't get angry and reject our apology? And how could we get her to even apologize? Fear and Rage won't allow it." Her dreary assessment of the potential result turned many bright faces dim again, as Hope's support began to wane. Despair inching over her face, Hope glanced around, looking for some brilliant plan. Her eyes stopped on a fellow emotion, this one with a slump to her shoulders, her head hung low, with a guilty expression.
"Regret! You are the key!" At that, the remorseful emotion flicked her eyes up at Hope, as the other emotions all turned to look at her. Her shameful expression only grew worse with the attention.
"What do you want of me-can't you see I've already had enough after what happened last night!" Hope, undaunted by the dismal plea, stood up and threw her arms out to encompass the gathered, for the most part positive, emotions.
"None of us have the strength to influence her right now-except you." Hope went on, the glimmer in her eyes sparking the same optimism in the other emotions. "You can push enough remorse on her to get her to apologize to him." The other emotions began to voice their agreement. All except for Regret.
"And why should I even try? Tell me that, Hope." She mournfully spoke, her voice enough to depress those around her.
Hope walked over to Regret, kneeling before her and looking right into her eyes. "Because, Regret, doing this now will save you from even more shame and pain in the future." Looking around at the other emotions, Hope addressed them all. "Do I have your support and trust? For without that, and without unity among us, we cannot stop Rage and her downward spiral." The gathered emotions all answered in the affirmative, anticipation running electrically thru the gathering. Turning back to Regret, who had again dropped her head, Hope spoke quietly to her.
"You do this now, for me, and I promise you I will do all in my power to save you and her from this shame you feel." Using her hand to lift Regret's chin, she locked eyes with her. "Will you do this, for us all?"
Regret's eyes closed, and she took a deep breath. Opening her eyes and looking out at the other emotions, she lifted her head and even let a shy smile cross her face. Her voice, still sorrowful but steeled with purpose, whispered out. "Let's see what I can do."
The group erupted into a cheer, bringing confused and annoyed looks from other nearby emotions. Hope stood up, a beaming smile on her face, and swept her gaze across all the others. "Together, we can do this. We must do this."
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Rachael Roth's apartment wasn't much larger then Kaitin's. In fact, the two apartments could have been cut from almost the same mold-the tiny one. Her living room/all around room was flanked by a small, but open kitchen. A little bar jutted three-quarters of the way out from the wall, giving her a decent substitute for a table. Just past the end of the bar was the hallway leading to her room, with a bathroom just off of that.
Rachael herself was laid across a lazy boy, reading. Seeing as how she had neither a television nor a computer, reading became one of her main ways to kill time. She was currently reading "The Cask of Amontillado" by Edgar Allan Poe. It was an unnerving tale of a grudge, which caused one friend entomb another alive, all in the name of misplaced pride. Normally, she would be engrossed in the dark literature, but both her mind and her emotions were roiling.
No matter how much effort she gave, she couldn't keep focused on the book. Finally, with an angry sigh, she threw the book to the floor and stared at the ceiling. Fight it as she might, she knew she'd have to address the issue that would not let her go.
Why can't I just forget about yesterday? It's not that big of a deal, after all… She trailed off, memories flashing across her vision to show her how wrong she was. As the memories came flooding out, she found herself being mercilessly swept further back into the past. Her breathing grew heavier as old wounds began to reopen…
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She lay curled up on her bed, her knees hugged to her chest as she fought sobs. Her room, dark and dismal as always, lay still, save for her ragged breathing. She knew her solitude would only last so long. "They'll come...but I don't want them. I can't…not now…"
As she heard the sound of footsteps approaching her room, she managed to gain enough control to silence her breathing. Her attempt at stealth failed, as a tap at her door was followed by voices. Words, apologetic and consoling, floated into her ears, but she refused to hear them. "Leave…just leave!" she yelled, her voice hoarse and anguished. After a moments silence, the voices continued, but managed only to provoke her further.
Sitting up and turning towards the door, she gathered her breath and screamed at those beyond the door once more. "GO! JUST LEAVE! NOW!" At that, she heard both retreating footsteps and some loud popping sounds, but she ignored it all and collapsed back onto her bed. Grabbing her pillow, she pressed her face into it and fought to keep fresh sobs from bursting forth. Soon everything faded away as exhaustion overcame her.
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Her head in her hands, Rachael struggled to keep from being overcome by the pain of the past. Shaking her head, she tried to convince herself that things were different. "No…this isn't the same. He's not the same…" Her voice trailed off as she dismissed her own feeble excuses. As another wave of shame crashed into her, she could only moan as she was swept under…
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Time lost its meaning as she slipped in and out of fitful sleep. Night blurred into day as she fought the emotions in herself, and any who approached her quarters. They had tried, but to no avail. Hunger came and went, soon realizing it had no real effect on her. Occasionally something nearby would shatter, or crack, or melt. But she paid no heed to these distractions. Until she was awakened from a restless slumber by voices, tight with emotion, outside her door.
"…you need…go…talk to her…."
"…why!"
"She really needs…your ok."
"Why should…even bother!"
She could only catch snippets, but she was capable of filling the rest in herself. She knew exactly who it was, without a doubt. The first voice, the authoritative one, would be their faithful team leader. And the other one…that would be him, the goofster, the annoying one…
"Don't…order you!"
"Dude…almost killed me!"
…the one she had almost killed…
"You listen to me…do it…now!"
…the one she had loved.
Against her better judgment, she slowly got out of bed and quietly slinked to the door. Pressing her ear against it, she closed her eyes and prepared for the worst.
"Screw you, dude! If she couldn't take like one whole hour to see how I was doing, then what the hell do I owe her!"
"You know how she has trouble handling her emotions. She was doing what was best for everyone, and you know it!"
"…I'll tell you what I know. Since the beginning, I've done everything I could for her. Every damn thing I could think of, to support her, to make her happy, to be there for her. And what do I get in return? Nothing. She doesn't care. All she ever does is treat me like I'm worthless."
"What!" Astonished silence reigned for a moment. "You of all people should know how hard it is for her to control her power. I thought you really felt something for her. What happened?"
"What happened? What's happened is that I give up. I give up on her. If she felt ANYTHING for me, she wouldn't have put me halfway into the grave. Well, she did. And I quit."
Nothing could have prepared her for that. They both stomped away, one chasing the other, but she heard none of it. Eyes closed against the tears now freely flowing, she slid down the door and slumped to the floor. Silent sobs racked her pale body as she mentally shut down, abandoning herself to the agony that was hers to face alone.
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The transition from past to present was sudden, jolting her back into reality. She was curled up on the floor, cheeks wet with tears. Breathing deep, she conceded to her guilt. "Fine, I'll go apologize to him." Picking herself up off the floor, she headed to the bathroom, to wash the tears from her face and figure out just how she would apologize. Apology had never been something she was good at…
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There is a state between sleep and waking, where conscious thoughts mix and blur with those of the sub-consciousness. That's where Kaitin found himself, the still-playing music running in with his thoughts.
I'll say it straight and plain
I know I've made mistakes
I've always been afraid
I've always been afraid
Is she just afraid to reach out…or what? I know I didn't do the best job meeting her, but I did try to help. His thoughts slipped around his fuzzy consciousness. Is she…afraid of me? Huh. I don't know what to think.
A thousand nights or more
I traveled east and north
Please answer the door
Please answer the door
Please answer the door
Please answer the door
Please answer the door
Please answer the door
Please answer the door
As his CD player skipped over and over, he pulled off his earphones, waking partially up. His ice blue eyes widened as he heard knocking at his door, amazed at the unlikely possibility of a visitor. Then his brain yelled at him to go answer the door, which he hopped up and ran to do.
Reaching the door, he scrubbed a hand over his face, and then grabbed the knob and pulled. After a couple tries without it opening, he belatedly realized he'd need to unlock it before he could open it. Quickly unlocking it, he swung it open to see who the surprise visitor was. And just about fell over, shocked to see Rachael standing in the hallway.
Sometimes silence is the best way to go. At least, that's what his brain was telling him. For what seemed like an eternity, they just stood there, Kaitin blinking his eyes in surprise as Rachael, arms around herself, fidgeted at the awkwardness of the situation. Finally, she looked up from the floor and broke the silence.
"Can I come in?" she asked, her voice flat. That was enough to bring Kaitin back into reality.
"Yeah, sure, come on in." Holding the door open for her, her gestured towards the couch. As she passed him walking in, he slowly blinked again, confusion rampant on his face. Shutting the door as Rachael sat on the couch, he grabbed the computer chair and rolled it over in front of the couch, facing her. Awkwardly, he put his hands on his knees and forced himself to look at her.
"So…ummm…how'd you find my place, anyways?" He asked her the first rational thought that came to him.
Her arms still crossed in front of her, she gave him a skeptical look, then her reply. "Phone books are easy to use, you know."
A sheepish look on his face, Kaitin rubbed the back of his neck and glanced away embarrassedly. "Yeah, that's true." Dropping his hand back into his lap, he leaned forward and gave her a questioning look. "So, why are you here?"
His query caused her to fidget nervously, and then take a deep breath. Releasing it, she looked him in the eye and answered. "I came to…apologize about yesterday." Taking another deep breath, she went on. "I was a jerk, and I had no right to treat you like I did."
She stopped as she noticed the almost amused look on his face. Before she could grow angry at him, he spoke up. "That's funny, because I was about to say the same thing." He glanced at the ground, then back at Rachael. "I shouldn't have been so nosy."
Both of them fell silent, considering what the other had said. Rachael closed her eyes, and Kaitin took the chance to study her face. She looked as though she had been…crying? He quickly averted his gaze as her eyes opened. After a few more moments, Kaitin laughed quietly and then spoke. "So, can we call it even?"
Looking as though a weight had been lifted off her shoulders, Rachael sat up straighter and smirked. "Yeah, that sounds good to me." Standing up, she put her hands on her hips and cocked her head. "Now, why don't we get working on that project?"
Kaitin gave her a wry smile. "Decided your grade matters, after all?" Her answer was a dry look as she headed towards the little table across from the couch.
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Leaning back in his chair, Kaitin stretched, and took a second to glance at the simple clock on the wall. "Whoa."
Rachael looked up from what she was writing, her expression questioning.
He answered her unasked question by pointing to the clock. Standing up, he grimaced as his stomach growled. Heading into the kitchen, he called over his shoulder. "I'm hungry-how about you?"
For a moment, it crossed Rachael's mind to decline. Unbidden, the memories of earlier started to rise. Mentally chastising herself for her stubbornness, she told him "Yeah, me too."
As Kaitin began rummaging around in the tiny kitchen, Rachael crossed her arms, leaned on the table, and stared off into space. That was a lot easier than I thought it would be. He's very forgiving.
Glancing at him, she smirked to herself at the fun he was having cooking. She couldn't tell yet what he was concocting, but it smelled good. Looking down at the table, she again turned back to her thoughts.
Maybe I was wrong. Maybe he is the same. Closing her eyes, she fought back a surge of emotion, knowing if she didn't win she'd fall apart again. And maybe I'm just deluded. Sighing silently, she opened her eyes. And just in time, as Kaitin turned around, heading towards the table. He had a pan in one hand, two bowls and two forks in the other. Setting everything down on the table, a balancing act in itself, he sat down across from her.
He had a lopsided grin on his face, one side of his mouth turned up further than the other. "I hope you like stir-fry." Then, smile fading, he sheepishly added "I guess I should have asked first, huh?"
Rachael waved his doubts away. "Stir-fry is great. I love good Oriental food."
His grin came back full force. "Cool. Because one thing I can do right is make killer stir-fry!" Handing her a bowl and fork, he pushed the pan her way. "Grab all you want."
After they'd both filled their bowls, silence took over as they dug into their food. Halfway thru her bowl, Rachael looked up and commented on the food. "Wow. You weren't kidding. This is good." Cocking her head to one side, she hit him with a question. "Where did you learn to cook like this?"
Finishing the bite he was on, Kaitin swallowed, and then let a wan smile cross his lips. "Well…when you have a lot of time alone, you can develop your talents." His eyes dropped embarrassedly to the table, and then he dropped his head and went back to eating his dinner. Knowing she had touched on something tender, Rachael also went back to her food. That left them both to their thoughts and their food.
I'm glad she likes it. It's one of the things I can do right. One of the few. Kaitin mused to himself. Between bites, he furtively glanced up at Rachael. It's crazy just to think that she's here, eating dinner with me. After yesterday, this was the last thing I expected. Struggling to keep from staring at her, he stared at his food. What's up with me? Finishing his last helping, he stood up, and finally looked at her. She was finished, so he took her bowl and the rest of the dishes to the sink. Washing them helped clear his head a bit. Rachael remained silent, so he decided to break the ice.
"I hope you liked it. That's one of my favorite dishes to make." Silence reigned as Kaitin waited, seconds seeming to stretch into hours. Finally, just as he was about to turn around and say something, although he wasn't sure what, she spoke up.
"It was great…thanks." The reply came, almost hesitantly, as though the thanks were given reluctantly. Silence fell again, with only the sound of Kaitin putting things away. Rachael took a hesitant breath, and then broke the silence with a question.
"Why do Tad and Yuri hate you?"
Kaitin turned around then, surprised by her question. His face betrayed his conflicting emotions, and for a moment it seemed to her that he would just turn back around and go on with what he was doing. Instead, though, he came over to the table and sat down.
"Why do Tad and Yuri hate me?" he echoed her question. Shrugging, he went on. "I don't really know. It's just been that way since my freshman year."
Rachael eyebrows furrowed as she spoke again. "Have you done anything to them that would leave them with a grudge?"
At that, Kaitin let out a small laugh and looked away from Rachael. "Like what? Breathe in their presence? Or maybe it's because I have the audacity to still be alive?" Shaking his head, he closed his eyes and sighed. "They don't have a reason. That's just how it is. And they aren't the only ones."
Noticing his obvious discomfort, Rachael decided to give him something worthwhile. "Hey Kaitin? Um…thanks for what you did."
That got a reaction out of him. His eyes flew open and his head came up. A confused expression covered his face. "But…I thought you said…?"
Rachael silently sighed, and a sardonic look crossed her face. "Yeah, I know what I said…but I was angry, and I wasn't thinking straight." She shrugged, and went on. "And knowing what I know now, I can see it took a lot for you to do that. So…thanks."
A small smile arose on his face, and his eyes brightened just a bit. Rachael had to look away. His eyes-it feels like he can see right thru me. Maybe he might underst…no. Mentally sighing, she pushed aside the unsettling thought. Then she glanced at the clock, and saw that it was approaching midnight.
"It's later then I thought. I'd better head home." She started to stand, only to be interrupted by Kaitin clearing his throat. He motioned for her to sit back down. Curiosity piqued, she did so, giving her attention to him.
"You rode the bus over, right?" When she nodded, he continued. "Where are you living at?" When she told him, he whistled softly. "That's almost an hour ride from here!"
She shrugged, and waited for him to go on. "Well, you might not have noticed, but this isn't the safest part of town." When Rachael said nothing in return, he hesitantly went on. "If you'd feel comfortable...well, that is, if you think…um…" Kaitin stumbled over his words. Eyebrow arched in interest, she motioned for him to finish his sentence. Taking a calming breath, he managed to finish. "If you want, you could stay the night here, just to be safe."
When her expression didn't change for almost a minute, he started to panic. Oh man I freaked her out and now she thinks I'm some kinda pervert and what am I gonna d-
His mental rambling was cut off as she finally answered him. "Okay."
It was all he could do to keep his eyes from widening in shock. Reigning in the smile that wanted to bloom, he hopped up from the table and headed towards his tiny hall closet. "I've some extra blankets and pillows here, and I think I might have an extra unused toothbrush in the bathroom…"
As he went about collecting items and whatnot, Rachael leaned back in her chair and considered what had happened. Normally I would reject an offer like THAT offhand. But, this is…different. He seemed genuinely concerned about me. Sighing to herself, she forced down the memories that arose with that thought. Maybe…and maybe not. Standing, she went over to see what Kaitin was getting her.
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The apartment was dark, save for the moonlight streaming into the living room. It rested on the couch, illuminating the lone figure there. Kaitin stood in the hall, his gaze riveted upon Rachael's face.
Minutes before he'd woken after crashing to the floor. The nightmare he had been immersed in had caused him to thrash himself off his bed. Though he couldn't remember much, he'd headed to the bathroom to wash his face and banish the demons of his sub consciousness. After splashing his face, he'd dried off and started back towards his bed. And then he'd noticed Rachael. After taking a moment to remember why she was asleep on his couch, he'd gazed at her face. That put him where he was now.
She's…she's beautiful. Why didn't I notice earlier? In the back of his awareness, his brain was telling him it was just an illusion, just the moonlight. He wasn't listening. She looks so peaceful there, asleep. A stray thought struck him. I wonder if I'm that peaceful in my sleep? After what felt like mere seconds, but was more like minutes, he forced himself to turn back towards his room.
He was almost there when he stopped and turned around. He could just make out her face, bathed in the radiance of the moons rays. I hope what happened today means that we are at least friends. Sighing, he turned one last time and retreat towards his bed and the bliss of nightmare free sleep.
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Morning came sooner then it had any right to. Kaitin, his head in his pillow, cracked one eye open just enough to look at his alarm clock. What he saw caused him to almost jump out of bed.
"Holy crap! It's almost noon! How'd I sleep in so late?" Hopping out of bed, he walked out of his bedroom, clad only in boxers. Too late, he remembered that he wasn't alone in the apartment. Or at least, he hadn't been alone.
To his immediate relief, the couch was empty, blankets folded and stacked. Darting back in his room, he threw on a shirt and some shorts, then headed back out into the living room. Passing the empty bathroom, he came out into the living room. And noticed that he WAS alone in the apartment.
Shaking his head in mystification, he scanned the small apartment. Did I just imagine what happened last night? As his eyes passed the computer, he noticed a small note tucked under the keyboard. Hurrying over, he pulled the note out and read it.
Kaitin,
Thanks for dinner, and for a good nights sleep. I put the finishing touches on our project while you were still asleep. It's all on the table. See you tomorrow.
Rachael
Glancing at the table, he saw that the project was indeed finished and compiled. Looking back at the note, he couldn't help the smile that split his face. Maybe things aren't so bad after all…
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This one was a lot longer then the last, and longer almost then I intended. But, hey, it just means you had more to enjoy, right? R&R much appreciated!