Now, come on, folks. I don't want to be one of those poor souls who has more chapters than reviews. Help me out a bit.

I'd like to apologize in advance for the recurring joke related to a "stupid idea". I realize that the joke comes at some of your expense. But I do think that it is a bit of a cheap plot device. You'll see what I mean. Again, I apologize.

I'm surprised with myself. This chapter is many times longer than all of the others. Ah, MvA, my muse!

Chapter 4: Par Tee

"Okay," Link said. "So who's invited to our Thanksgiving party?"

"General Monger," Susan said immediately. "Um, my parents. How about the President? He might not be able to come, but he'd probably like an invitation."

"Katie and Cuthbert?" Dr. Cockroach suggested.

"Who?" Link asked.

"Oh, they're those young people who first discovered the robot probe. Nice kids. Although I think they're both gay. I don't know why they're dating… anyway. Katie and Cuthbert."

"Katie and Cuthbert," Link agreed, writing it down. "Let's see… anybody else?"

"SCREECH," Insectosaurus offered.

"Are you kidding?" Link demanded.

"What?" Susan asked.

"Derek," Link scoffed.

"No way," B.O.B. said. "That jerk isn't coming to my party. Not after he thought he could get back with me just like that."

"B.O.B.," Susan said patiently. "You were never engaged to Derek; I was. But in essence you're right. What brought that idea on, Insectosaurus?"

"Actually, I agree," Dr. Cockroach said. "Derek may have never truly cared for you, but I think he's genuinely repentant."

Insectosaurus nodded.

"When did you see him?" Susan said suspiciously.

"He came over to visit," Dr. Cockroach said vaguely. "He, ah, didn't mention his career at all. I think he just wanted to see you."

"Where was I when this happened?" Susan demanded.

"You were at the spa," Link said. "I didn't think it was worth mentioning. I guess Doc and Insecto are more perceptive than I am… but that's nothing new. I just thought he was a jackass trying to get into the public eye by hanging with the Modesto Monsters. So, Derek on the guest list then?"

Seven eyes turned to Susan, who shrugged and said, "If you guys really think so."

"Okay, Derek," Link said, writing it down. "That's seven guests. Anybody else?"

"Gallaxhar?" B.O.B. suggested.

"He's in the old monster prison, B.O.B.," Link said. "He's barely alive. And, uh, we all hate him."

"Well, my granddad used to say 'Keep your friends close, keep your enemies closer'."

"I don't think that refers to inviting dangerous aliens to a Thanksgiving party," Dr. Cockroach said. "And, uh, that was my granddad who said that."

"Are you sure? 'Cause I could have sworn…"

"I'm positive, B.O.B.," Dr. Cockroach said dryly. "Your granddad was a tomato with ranch dressing. I'm pretty sure he never offered you wisdom."

"Oh," B.O.B. said lamely.

"All right then," Link said. "That's our whole guest list. Oh, Marie-Claire!"

A busty French maid strutted into the room. "Oui, Monsieur Link. But my name is not Marie-Claire. It's Lynn."

"I know," Link said. "But I just think that Marie-Claire makes you sound French and maid-y and all."

"Oui. What can I do for you, Monsieur?"

"Send out invitations to our guests," Link said, handing her the guest list. "Thank you, Marie-Claire. That'll be all."

Marie-Claire/Lynn left the living room. Link whistled at her retreating figure. "Man, Marie-Claire is hot," he said. "The two of us definitely have to go hot-tubbing sometime."

"SCREECH."

"Sure, Insecto. Good luck with that one, pretty-boy." He paused. "You are a boy, right? Sometimes it's hard to tell."

Insectosaurus opened the window and jabbed Link in the gut, knocking him over.

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

B.O.B. positioned himself at the guest door of the mansion. Susan and Insectosaurus set the table; the monsters were always adamant about doing their own work despite their large supply of paid help.

"So, wait," Link said. "I'm not sure I heard you right. You went down to the bank… you made a mess… and you repaired it?"

"Yes, Link," Dr. Cockroach said. "Why is that so odd?"

Link scoffed. "We don't clean up our own messes," he said. "We'll help out with something our enemies trash, maybe do some heavy lifting for a disaster that we had nothing to do with, but we don't clean up a mess we made ourselves! It's… unbecoming of a monster. It's like eating quiche. Monsters don't eat quiche, and we don't clean up after ourselves."

"Perhaps," Dr. Cockroach said, "but I am a gentleman first."

"No, you're a quack first. A monster second. A don't think gentleman made the top ten."

Dr. Cockroach raised an eyebrow. "You know something, Link? Sometimes, your words, they hurt people."

There was a knock at the door. B.O.B. opened the door to see Susan's parents.

He scowled. "Derek," he said curtly.

"Er, it's Wendy," Mrs. Murphy said nervously.

"Where?" B.O.B. said, looking around.

"Me," she said. "I'm Wendy. I'm not Derek."

"Oh, hey, Mrs. Murphy," B.O.B. said. "Yeah, I remember now. Hi, I'm B.O.B."

"Yes, I know," Wendy said. "You're the hugger."

"Yay!" B.O.B. said. "I'm memorable! Hi, Carl."

"Hello, B.O.B.," Mr. Murphy replied. B.O.B. shook Carl's hand, leaving it dyed blue.

"Hey, Mom and Dad!" Susan called. "Happy Thanksgiving! Sorry, I wanted to get the door, but I was setting the table."

"It's quite a lovely place you have here," Carl said, looking around. "Custom-built for you and your friends, I assume?"

"Naturally," Susan said.

"How do you get in and out?" Wendy wondered.

"The big door," Susan said, pointing to it.

"Come give us a hug, Suzie-Q!" Carl said. "That is, assuming you're under control of your strength…"

Susan lifted them up, one in each hand, and hugged them gently to her body.

"Amazing," Wendy breathed. "How tall are you?"

"Forty-nine-foot-eleven," Susan said proudly. "Just don't ask me what I weigh. I may be a monster, but I have my pride."

Susan set her parents down, then saw that B.O.B. had ushered in a teenage couple who she assumed to be Katie and Cuthbert. She crouched down to shake their hands.

"Hi," she said. "Welcome to our party. I don't think we've met. I'm Susan."

Cuthbert flinched away from her hand before shaking it. "I'm Cuthbert," he said. "It's so amazing to meet you, Ginormica… or do you prefer Susan? You're a big hero of mine. Very empowering!"

Katie pushed past her boyfriend and took Susan's hand. "How ya doin'?" she said. "I'm Katie." Katie made a fair effort to put a dent in Susan's finger before flitting off to mingle, dragging Cuthbert along with her.

General Monger jetted in through one of the picture windows. "Happy Thanksgiving, monsters!" he called out. "It's an honor to celebrate with you on your first holiday as free U.S. citizens. The President asked me to apologize on his behalf, as he is celebrating at the White House. But I am always available for any function that my monsters need me for… sorry, I still think of you as 'my' monsters. You're nobody's monsters." He saluted them, and they saluted back.

Susan looked around. That left every guest accounted for apart from Derek. Nothing wrong with that. She poured herself a giant glass of wine and began to mingle.

"Hey, General," she said. "Sorry we missed your birthday party. How old are you now?"

"Ninety."

"Wow," Susan said. "Of course, if you opened the facility in 1950, you'd have to be, wouldn't you? So, are you going to retire?"

"Me? Never," the general said. "I work in the War Room now. The other day, the President pushed the wrong button… thank God, it turns out both buttons get him a latte. All that panic for nothing."

Link popped energetically around the party, hefting a gallon jug of wine. Insectosaurus was lapping wine from a tub-sized dish on the top of the cliff. Cuthbert nervously approached him.

"Hi, Insectosaurus," he said. "I've, uh, I've been reading your blog."

Insectosaurus called for Link, who jumped to the backyard elegantly. "You have a blog, Insecto?"

"Oh, it's really cool," Cuthbert said. "He describes his day-to-day activities, and in it there's a lot of lamentations about the restrictions of being him. You know, like he can't enter any buildings, he can't sing, he can't have a private conversation… yet it's worth it, because he has the four greatest friends in the world." Cuthbert sighed. "It's really poetic."

"'Course it's poetic," Link said with a smirk. "There wouldn't be any poetry without butterflies. Sounds like a lot of sappiness to me, pal."

"SCREECH."

"Well, yeah, but I thought you were dead. Guys can be sappy with other guys after they die. And what do you mean you can't sing? Opera singers break glass. Your voice breaks steel."

"SCREECH."

"Sure." To Cuthbert, Link said, "He wants to know if you've ever commented on his blog."

"Yeah," Cuthbert said. "I'm KatiesBabe122893."

Insectosaurus nodded with recognition, then roared again.

Link grunted. "You're one of his favorite posters. He wants to know if you have a blog of your own for him to check."

Cuthbert looked up at Insectosaurus. "He said all that? How can you understand him?"

"SCREECH."

"Don't talk about him like he ain't here. But yeah, I can understand him. It's a pretty subtle process, it's not really words or sentences. I don't know how I could teach someone else to do it."

Cuthbert nodded. "Yeah, I have a blog. Not much, just some poetry I do, love notes for my girlfriend, all that."

"SCREECH," Insectosaurus said.

"He says he'll check it out," Link said. "I think your girlfriend's looking for you."

Cuthbert quickly ran back to Katie. Insectosaurus screeched confidentially.

"You could be right," Link said. "They're a fit match if you think about it. Unless she's gay, which could be."

"Dinner's ready!" Susan called.

Six humans and three monsters took their seats around a table, and steaming plates of food were passed around by butlers who were hand-picked for their snootiness. Susan took her own spot at her tall table, and her food was taken up to her table on ladders. A baked, spiced tree was hauled to Insectosaurus' spot by a large number of butlers.

Dr. Cockroach smacked his lips as large slab of turkey was passed in front of him.

"I thought you ate garbage," Wendy noted.

"Mostly," Dr. Cockroach admitted. "But even a cockroach can appreciate haute cuisine."

"Okay, everybody," Susan said, raising her wine glass. "Let's all say what we're thankful for…"

At that point, the door opened and a tall, handsome man entered the house nervously.

"Hi," he said. "Sorry I'm late."

Susan stood up and walked toward the man slowly. She heard a strange shuffling noise coming from the table behind her. "Derek," she whispered. "What are you doing here?"

"I… I got an invitation," he said. "Your friends all handwrote messages for me." He held up an invitation, containing Dr. Cockroach's elegant script, Link's abrasive boldface, B.O.B.'s illegible scrawl, and Insectosaurus' surprisingly delicate hand. "They said they checked with you before inviting me."

"I didn't think you'd actually turn up," Susan admitted. She heard more shuffling. What the heck was that?

Derek glanced in the direction of the sound, then looked back up at her. "Listen, Susan," he said. "I don't want to fight anymore."

"Is that because you know I can crush you between my fingers?" Susan said coldly. She heard more shuffling, and it occurred to her that it sounded like money changing hands.

"No, that's not it," Derek said. "Look, I'm not going to be so cornball as to ask for you back. I know I've blown that, but don't just write me off. I just want to keep in touch. Be friends."

"I don't—what is going on back there?" Susan demanded, as the shuffling noise resumed. As she whirled, she saw that all four of her fellow monsters were clutching wads of bills, while a pile of money sat on the table between them. They all froze.

"Uh, sorry, Susan," Link said. "We just kind of had a little pool going about how this would go."

"Yeah? How's that going?"

"Well, I was down at first, 'cause I was thinking he wouldn't even turn up," Link said. "But then I got up a bit, because I thought that you would threaten him. Insecto thought he'd want you back, so we all collected from him."

"Cool," Susan said. "Can you save it for after we're done? It's distracting." She turned back to Derek. "Sorry. Where was I?"

"Um… I'm pretty sure that sentence started with 'I don't'," Derek offered.

"Ah, that's right," she said. "I don't think so, Derek. You completely stamped out my heart… an impressive feat, considering my heart is probably about your size. I'm Ginormica now. Who am I going to find who'll love me for me? I can't do it, Derek. I can't forgive you. Any chance I have of falling in love is gone because of you. I hate you, Derek Dietl."

"Ho, ho! Cough it up!" Link said triumphantly. The other three passed him money. "Ha-ha, I'm doing pretty good considering my poor start." Seeing Susan's glare, he said. "Oh, sorry. Go on."

"Listen, Susan," Derek said. "You have every right to hate me, but you know… to err is human, to forgive is divine. But I don't think your love life is over. Your friend is the greatest scientist in history. Can't he work up a trinket or something so you can change to a normal human size at will?"

Susan blinked. "That has got to be the dumbest thing I've ever heard. Derek, get out of here before I throw you out the window."

"Please don't throw me out the window," Derek said hurriedly. "I just want your forgiveness. I'm on my knees begging." Realizing that he wasn't, he dropped to his knees. "Please, Susan Murphy. I'm not asking for anything major. Just… friendship and forgiveness. I suppose that's major, but…" He let it hang.

Susan glared for a few more seconds. "Fine," she said. "Sit. We were just about to say what we're thankful for."

"Ah," Derek said. "Well, I for one am thankful for forgiveness." He sat at the head of the table and raised his wine glass in a toast. Everyone looked up at Susan nervously, and followed her lead when she applauded.

"I'm thankful that we're all here today," Susan said. "My new friends, my family, all free and together. And I'm thankful to be a monster."

Everyone applauded. B.O.B. came next. "I'm thankful to be celebrating as a free monster," he said. "I'm thankful for my friends, and I'm thankful for this good, high-quality meal."

Wendy leaned in to Dr. Cockroach. "He actually is pretty sincere," she whispered.

"Yes," Dr. Cockroach said, "but then he'll wreck it by saying something like…"

"And I'm thankful that I've got it goin' on!" B.O.B. mimed an hourglass shape and formed his body into the same shape.

"Right," Dr. Cockroach said. "Um… well, I don't have much more to add. Mostly what B.O.B. said. We're all free, we're all together. We're a team, a family."

After the applause, all eyes turned to Link. "Hm? Oh. Uh, what they said. Freedom, friends, food, family. All the F's."

"I'm thankful for the good ol' U.S. of A!" General Monger said loudly.

"I'm thankful for my beautiful girlfriend!" Cuthbert said, wrapping his arm around her.

"Pass," Katie said.

"My wife and I," Carl said, "are thankful that we have a world hero for a daughter!"

That got more applause than any other. Insectosaurus gave the final toast with a screech and a raised tub of wine. Impressed applause rang out before Link had time to translate.

"Okay, everybody," Susan said. "Let's eat!"

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

As soon as she finished eating, Susan slid off her chair and ducked down into the basement. She sat there alone for a few minutes, until she was joined by Dr. Cockroach.

"Susan? Ah, I thought you came down here. Are you all right, my dear?"

"Do you… do you think Derek might have been onto something?" she wondered. "Could you come up with something… something I could wear? So I wouldn't have to be fifty feet tall all the time?"

"I thought you were forty-nine-foot-eleven."

"It's easier to round up. But can you?" She looked at him hopefully.

He sighed. "No, my dear. I'm afraid not. Your original assertion was correct; that's a completely stupid idea. Not easy, is it? I know how you feel."

A/N: Again, I apologize. Do not take it personally, I beg you.

"Really?"

"Of course, my dear. The Missing Link has been a monster all his life; B.O.B. and Insectosaurus have been monsters for as long as they've had a proper thought process. They never enjoyed life in the prison, but they realized that any chance they had of getting away would mean losing who they were. You and I, though, we left human lives behind. Believe me, I tried to get myself back to a human. Monger promised that I could leave if I could somehow lose my… 'monster-ness', I believe is the term he used. But there was no hope. My equipment and my calculations were all destroyed in the accident, and there's no way I could ever have replicated those circumstances with the little they gave me to work with. But enough about me. What brought this on? I thought you were content being a monster, especially since we're free now."

"Yeah," Susan said, "I love being a monster. But… you remember what Link said the other day? How monsters can never be lucky in love? He's right. When Derek left me, I realized… I'll never love again."

Dr. Cockroach raised his eyebrows. "Um… really? Don't you… er… never mind."

"Don't I what?"

"Don't you… er… don't you love… us? Your fellow monsters?"

"Oh, of course I do," Susan said quickly. "Of course I love you… all four of you. I meant romantically. You know… I'm sure there are a lot of guys who would like to be with me. I get love letters every day. But do I really want someone who wants to be with a giant woman? How creepy is that? You know what I mean?"

He nodded. "Oh, I know. Maybe you could talk to Link. He used to be one of a species, after all. Ask him how he copes."

Susan wrinkled her nose. "I don't feel comfortable discussing sensitive things with Link. I mean, he's good-hearted and all, but he'll never admit it. He'll just tease me."

"Of course," Dr. Cockroach said. "Then… would you like to talk to me?"

Susan looked up at the ceiling, contemplating. "Well… B.O.B. doesn't know jack about love, and I'd have to go through Link to talk to Insecto, so, yeah, that leaves you. Hm… although I'd probably talk to you anyway. You're… you're my best friend, after all."

"Er… really?"

"Of course," she said. "Come here." She held out her arm, and he scuttled up to her shoulder. She stroked his head, and he closed his eyes and sighed contentedly. "Were you ever in love, Doctor?" she asked.

"Hmm? Oh. Why, yes."

"You were?" she said, surprised. "You loved someone from your old human life?"

"No," he said slowly.

Susan thought about that, confused. Suddenly understanding, she looked down to her shoulder, but Dr. Cockroach was gone. "Doctor?" she called. She left the basement. "Link, where did Dr. Cockroach go?"

"Don't know," Link replied, not taking his eyes off his video game. "I think I heard him skittering upstairs… Why?"

"I… I think he just told me he loves me," she said quietly.

That got Link's attention. "Say what?"

Susan ignored him and ran upstairs. She knocked gently on Dr. Cockroach's door. "Doctor? Are you in there?" No answer. "Dr. Cockroach? Are you in there? I'm so sorry. I had no idea. Do… do you love me, Doctor?"

He opened his door. "Yes, yes I do."

"Oh, I'm so sorry, Doctor," Susan said. "I must have said some pretty painful things back there."

"No, no, you're all right…"

"Oh, please, Dr. Cockroach. 'I love all four of you'? All that process of elimination crap for who I could talk to? That must have hurt."

He shrugged. "A bit," he said. "Don't worry about it, my dear. I'll be fine."

"What do you mean, you'll be fine?" Susan demanded.

"Oh, you know. I'll get over you."

"Doctor, I don't want you to get over me," Susan said. She took his hand. "I've never thought of you that way, but I do love you. Let's give it a try."

"So… would you like to date sometime?" Dr. Cockroach suggested meekly.

"Absolutely," she said. "Come here." He climbed up her arm again. "Why didn't you ask me sooner?"

"I don't know," Dr. Cockroach admitted. "I just… you know, what you were saying before about people who would be attracted to a giant woman. It could only be someone who knew you before all the fame. It's the same with all of us. Women follow us all everywhere. But none of us would consider dating them. We haven't made any new friends. People we knew before are the only people we can depend on."

"Of course," Susan realized. "Oh, Dr. Cockroach, I'm so happy. Let's go tell everyone."

Before Dr. Cockroach could object, Susan ran back down to the living room. "Everybody," she called. "Dr. Cockroach and I are gonna go out!"

Surprised glances scattered throughout the room. "How's that gonna work?" Link wondered. "To be honest, I can't see that becoming physical."

Susan flicked Link with one finger, then set Dr. Cockroach down. "This is so exciting!" she said. "I never saw this coming. I'm gonna go blog about it!" She ran to her room.

"Wow," Wendy commented. "I don't remember the last time I saw her that excited."

"I never have," Derek said quietly.

Dr. Cockroach laughed nervously. "Well, Susan is a wonderful woman, Mrs. Murphy. You've raised her well. I've always thought so, from the moment I met her. Well, the moment I met her, she started beating me with a spoon, but after that I thought she was a wonderful woman."

"I know what you mean," Derek muttered.

"Oh, bugger off, Derek," Dr. Cockroach snapped. "You had your chance. She's mine now. Mua-ha-ha-ha-ha!"