Author's Note: And now, to respond to the lovely comments my reviewers left for me. XD
Case Dawgz: Indeed, there are. The only thing worse than seeing an eyeful of Chakwas is catching Anderson without his pants on. Ewww.
Shoemy89: Well, that was the desired effect. Yeah, MOAR Arby 'n' the Chief is l33t ftw. XD I've already got an idea about how to refer to the roflknife. SLICE SLICE SLICE.
Sarcasm Turtle: Yeah, my brother made me put that in there. He's a big fan of KOTOR, and of Star Wars in general, so he's pestering me to make some more references to it. Yeah, Fox News is pretty sucky. I laughed when I saw the title of the program: "SEXXXBOX?" Lol, now I call my 360 my SECKSBAWKS. And in response to your review on my other story, thank you. :3 I'm thinking of writing a GarrusxLiara. I know, say whaaaaaaaat? But I've got a good idea for it.
Disclaimer (since I think I forgot to put in the last chapter. Oopsies!): I do not own Mass Effect, or any of the characters in Mass Effect. Such things belong to Bioware. Bioware is a god. sacrifices a lamb to Bioware Ooh-Ee-Ooh-Ah-Ah, Ting-Tang-Walla-Walla-Bing-Bang! Also, Haddaway owns the song What is Love. And Tom Jones owns the song Sex Bomb.
People screamed and ran in each and every direction, as panic gripped the crowds in the Presidium. Nobody was quite sure what he or she was running from, but since everybody wanted to fit in, they ran anyway. Except for the volus, of course. They're fat, so they had to waddle. And the hanar just… floated, I guess. You know, we never see the hanar moving, do we? Do they like… blow air out their ass, or something? I guess we'll never find out, Bioware. "What is that?!" One of the diplomats screamed, pointing at it. "I saw it, it's alieheheha!" Another screamed. "Wait, what are you saying? Are you saying it's alive, or it's a lion?" The diplomat. The man screamed, "It's a… Fucking fuck, man, Jesus… It's a biiiiig bitch!" A few of the other diplomats caught on to the joke, and realized it was that movie with the horrible camera angles that made you dizzy and want to throw up.
"Raaaaawr! Garry-Barry! Must have hot interspecies secks!" Shepard roared, foaming at the mouth as she sprinted through the crowd. She pushed an Elcor out of the way, who was silent for five whole minutes before saying, "Startled question, what the fuck was that?" Shepard looked around, trying to find her precious Garrus in the midst of the running crowd. "I smell you, boy!" She roared, her lust for Garrus transforming (see what I did there, Shoemy?) into a bloodthirsty rage. Grabbing a small child from the crowd, she lifted up to her mouth and tore the poor child's head off—but it was a Salarian child, and probably would have died anyway, so nobody cared. Once she was finished, she tossed aside the dehydrated remains of the Salarian into the lake, and looked around for another victim. There! A hanar, preaching to the running crowd that only the Enkindlers—whatever the hell that meant—could save them, and only for the low price of four payments of 19.99! "Televangelism?! In my Presidium?!" Shepard hissed, taking a very dramatic flying leap towards the floating jellyfish.
The hanar did not even have time to pray to the Enkindlers before Shepard was upon it. "Om nom nom! Calamari: it are delicious!" The naked woman exclaimed, opening her mouth wide and taking a bite out of the hanar's body. With one bite, the hanar's… head? Body? I'm not quite sure. Anyway, the top half of the thing was in her mouth, while the tentacles wiggled and flopped around as they hung from her lips. However, the sound of a loud and confident voice tore her attention from the hanar she was devouring. "Yo, she-bitch!" Shepard hissed at such a rude and offensive nickname, and then turned around slowly to glare at the one who had called her that. It was a turian—but unfortunately, it was not Garrus. This angered Shepard greatly, and she narrowed her eyes at the sight of him pulling out his taser. "Let's dance!" The turian exclaimed. Shepard paused, taking a moment to slurp up the hanar's remaining tentacles like some sort of jellyfish spaghetti, and then bared her teeth—which were, of course, covered in hanar jelly. "Three… Two… One… Fight!" A deep announcer's voice said. Unfortunately for the Alliance soldier, the turian got the first move. "I'm'ah firin' mah tazuh!" He exclaimed, gathering energy from the air around in order to fire his taser. "Oh, shit," Shepard breathed, backing away from the turian, who began to advance towards her threateningly. "Oh, shit!" She felt something at her back, and turned to see that she had backed into the railing—the only thing separating her from the lake. Turning back to the turian, she held her hands up. "Don't taze me, bro!" She cried. "Don't taze me!" However, the C-Sec officer was not phased by her cries and pleas, and with a loud zap, the pronged end of his taser sunk into Shepard's flesh.
"Owww!" Shepard screamed, clutching her stomach as the volts of electricity ran through her. "Curses! My plan to get laid has been foiled again!" She stumbled backwards, which proved to be a bad decision, as she rolled over the barrier and into the lake. "Gaaaah! Cold water is coooold!" She shivered. "Why did you taze me?!" The turian peered over the barrier at her, and scoffed, "I am not unreasonable! You are free to run around naked as soon as you get a nakedness permit!" And with that, the turian activated the taser again, shocking Shepard while she was in the water. As you can imagine, it was not a pleasant experience for the woman. "Ahhhhh! Mommy!" Shepard whined, flailing and pretending to drown in the waist deep water. Eventually, she was pulled from the water and arrested, sent to the one place she had wanted to go all along: Citadel Security. However, rather than having a very sexy encounter with her Garr-Bear, she was having a very unsexy encounter with her cellmate, a rather bitchy asari who was too busy "practicing meditation" to even bother talking with the human. "Fucking battle meditation…" She muttered, glaring at the asari as she brought up memories of one of Shepard's past lives.
Meanwhile, Ashley was at the desk of one of the people guarding the cells. "So… What do I have to do to bail Shepard out?" She asked curiously, glancing at the still-naked woman in her cell. "Well…" The human C-Sec guard said, "We'll take either three million credits, or some sort of lewd sexual favor!" Shepard blinked, and looked up. "Sexual favor? You mean that's all I have to do to get out of here?! By Odin, why didn't somebody tell me that earlier? I could have been out of here hours ago!" The C-Sec guard scoffed, "You've only been in there thirty minutes!" Shepard snarled, and pointed back at the asari. "Well, this bitch makes it feel like it's been five hours!" The asari muttered underneath her breath, "No, you." Soon enough, after a lewd sexual act was preformed (in front of a live studio audience), Shepard was allowed out of her cell. In one of her more intelligent moments, Ashley had been considerate enough to bring Shepard's clothes to her, which was a welcome relief, because it was very chilly in the wards and she hoped that nobody would notice. (You saw what I did there, right?)
Glancing around as she exited the cells and wandered through the main lobby of C-Sec, Shepard did a double take at the sight of a krogan surrounded by a group of C-Sec officers. Listening to the conversation between them, Shepard immediately deduced that whoever this krogan was, he was a pretty badass guy. "Hm…" Shepard mumbled, staring curiously at the krogan. When the C-Sec officers had left, Shepard made an immediate bee-line towards him, with Ashley in tow. "Oh, haiz!" Shepard said, waving at the krogan. "So, I think you're a pretty cool guy. You mouth off to C-Sec officers and aren't afraid of anything. I was wondering if you'd like to join my super-duper club?" The krogan stared at her skeptically for a moment, then his eyes widened as he recognized the woman. "You… You're Shepard, aren't you? The one who butchered her entire unit by using them as flesh shields against thresher maws, right?" Shepard nodded, and the krogan ran his fingers along his chin, contemplating whether to join or not to join. "Hm… Okay. I'll join. The name's Wrex, in case you're wondering. But before we do anything, I'm going to kill Fist. You can help me, or you can let me do it alone, but you can't stop me."
Shepard had hearts in her eyes by now. "You are so badass," She remarked. Wrex shrugged. "I know. It comes with being a krogan," He remarked. Ashley tapped Shepard on her shoulder, yanking her out of her daydream. "Commander, are you sure we want an alien on the—" Shepard spun around, fire in her eyes, and roared, "Shut up, xenophobe, or it's the reeducation camps for you! Now… Speaking of aliens, we need to go find Garry-Barry." Wrex snorted. "The turian? Last I heard, he was in the med clinic, getting a prostate exam." "Yeah, that's my Garry-Barry, always making sure he's in tip-top shape," Shepard sighed. "By the way, where's Kaidan?" "Getting laid." "Ohhhh."
After a long trip up the stairs and out of C-Sec, they finally arrived at the door of the med-bay. They could hear loud, feminine grunting inside, coupled with a deep male voice ordering her to do… something. Shepard, realizing there was a potential human-turian sex scene behind the door, immediately burst inside with the intent to make it a threesome. "Hey, guys! What be going on in this secks scene?" Shepard exclaimed loudly, before noticing that it was not a sex scene, but in fact a hostage situation. Still kind of sexy, but not what Shepard had in mind. "Who are you?!" The hostage taker yelled, pulling his gun away from Dr. Michel's head to aim it at Shepard. Suddenly, a challenger appeared! Garrus revealed himself by leaping from his hiding place in a very sexy fashion, and popping a cap in the man's head. Chloe screamed and hid behind a crate as a shootout occurred. It was awesome, mostly because Shepard got to see Wrex use his biotic mind powers. Finally, when all was said and done, Shepard asked, "Who were those guys, anyway?" Chloe lifted her head, and replied, "Fist's thugs! They tried to kill me!" "Why would they try that, Doctor?" Garrus asked, ignoring Shepard, who was rabidly humping his leg. "A few days ago, a quarian came in here, needing treatment. She had a cap popped in her ass, and I think she might have been raped too, but she wouldn't say who did it. However, she did say that she had some valuable information for the Shadow Broker, so I set her up with Fist as a middle man." Wrex scoffed. "That was a stupid plan. Have you been living under a rock? Fist betrayed the Shadow Broker for Saren." "No way!" Chloe exclaimed. Garrus lifted a finger, and said, "We need to get to Fist, now. We'll extract the location of the quarian from him… through his asshole, if need be."
And with that, Wrex and Garrus ran out of the clinic, with Shepard tagging along behind. Ashley was left behind—but that's okay, because she's not important. "Quick! To the public transportation system! Awaaay!" Garrus exclaimed, sticking his thumb to hail a cab. Crawling inside of the cramped car, there was an awkward silence for a moment; then, Wrex muttered, "Let's see what's on the radio." Twisting the knob, Haddaway's What is Love began to play. "What is love? Baby, don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more! Baby, don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more!" The three squad members immediately began bobbing their heads back and forth, until they eventually got too dizzy, and Garrus had to lean out of the car's window to vomit.
The car finally came to a stop near Chora's Den, and the three of them stumbled out, quite dizzy after too much head bobbing. "Ugh… Let's just get this over with so I can get paid," Wrex muttered, pulling out his uber-shotgun. Garrus nodded and pulled out his level-67 war hammer, which had a fire augmentation for +5 damage. Shepard pulled out her tiny pistol, and then let out her war cry: "Spooooooon!" And with that, the three of them rushed inside the bar, shooting up everything and anything that moved. "We're closed!" The bartender said, before Wrex slammed him into a wall with his biotic powers. A few minutes later, the three of them smashed into Fist's office, and engaged in yet another epic battle—this time, against Fist and two automated turrets (which kind of looked like ducks, if you looked closely enough). However, the last turret soon fell with a loud quack, and Fist was left cowering on the floor like a small child might. Shepard wanted to eat him immediately, and Wrex wanted to fill him with lead, but Garrus held them back. "No! We must… interrogate him as to the location of the quarian. Stand aside; I have experience in these matters.
Garrus took a step forward, and Fist held his hands up in front of his face. "The cocaine underneath my bed isn't mine, I swear!" The turian backhanded him across the face, and yelled, "I don't remember asking you a goddamn thing!" Fist whimpered lightly, and Garrus asked, "Now, what does the quarian look like?" The man blinked, and then asked, "…What?" He promptly received a slap across the face for his idiocy. "What planet you from, huh?" Garrus asked, narrowing his eyes. "W-What?" Another slap. "'What' don't sound like any planet I ever heard of! They speak Basic in What?" Fist shrugged feebly, and repeated, "What—" "Basic, motherfucker, do you speak it?" The man protected himself again as Garrus lifted his fist threateningly. "Yes!" "Then you know what I'm saying?" "Y-Yes…" Garrus took a step forward. "Alright, then! Describe what the quarian looks like!" "…W-What—" Garrus stomped his foot. "Say what again! Say what again! I dare ya, I double dare ya, motherfucker! Say what one more goddamn time!" Fist lifted his hand to protect himself again. "She's… She's short!" "Go on!" "She's… got chicken legs—" Garrus crossed his arms at this slightly offensive remark, and kicked Fist in the side with one of his own chicken legs. "Does she look like a bitch?" Fist groaned, "What?!" At this, Garrus practically exploded, a fire burning in his eyes as he pulled out his pistol and popped a cap in the man's knee. "Aaaaaaagh!" Garrus repeated himself over the man's sounds of pain. "Does—she—look—like—a bitch?!" "Noooo!" Fist screamed in reply. "Then why you trying to fuck her over like a bitch, Fist?" Garrus demanded. "I didn't!" Fist pleaded. "Oh, yes you did! Yes you did, Fist! You tried to fuck with a quarian. And quarians don't like to be fucked by anybody except turians." Fist was quiet for a moment; then, he asked, "What?"
At this point, Wrex took this as a cue to shoot him. "Enough! Just tell us where the quarian is!" Fist laid out the details in between sobs and whimpers, and a devilish smile crossed Wrex's face. "Good. Thank you." And with that, he pulled the trigger on his shotgun—once, twice, three times in a row. "Thanks a lot, you jerk!" Fist said, before an awesome death gurgle escaped his lips. Wrex and Garrus shared a nod, before turning to Shepard. Apparently, all of the awesomeness and badassery had been too much for the human woman, and she was now on the floor, convulsing in what could best be described as an awesomegasm. "You guys are so fucking hardcore!" She screamed. Garrus rolled his eyes, and replied, "We don't have time for this! We have to go find that quarian!"
Meanwhile, Tali'Zorah nar Rayya waited nervously in an alleyway, which was bathed in dark red light. Suddenly, from the shadows, three figures appeared. The one in front was obviously a turian, who had done a really bad job on trying to paint his face like a skull. The other two were likely salarians, but with their armor on, it was difficult to tell. "Where's Fist?" Tali asked innocently, as the turian advanced on her all sexy-like. "Fist isn't here…" He hissed, a taloned hand running down Tali's visor. "Why not… just give us the information? We'll pass it on to him…" His hand moved along her neck, closer to her chest. "Hey! If somebody tries to touch me in a place or in a way that makes me feel uncomfortable, that's no good!" She said, slapping his hand away and beating him over the head with a purse. "That's my purse, I don't know yoooou!" The salarians turned around, and noticed the crap getting beaten out of the turian. They lifted their guns, only to be knocked away as Tali threw the purse at them—in reality, a highly explosive hand grenade.
Suddenly, Wrex, Garrus, and Shepard ran in, guns blazing. Wrex roared, "I cast magic missile!" as he slammed one of the salarians into the wall repeatedly. "I'm in your base, killing your dudes!" Shepard laughed, randomly shooting up at the ceiling. Eventually, the shots managed to ricochet and fall down onto the turian and salarians, killing them instantly. Tali let out a quiet huff, and snarled, "I know how to take care of myself, capitalist pig-dogs! Not that I don't appreciate the help. My name is Tali. Tali'Zorah--." Shepard narrowed her eyes at the "pig-dog" remark, and grabbed Tali's wrist. "You're coming with us, young lady! You're in a lot of trouble!" As she was dragged away, the quarian laughed, "Ohohoho! Is funny because I am only being seventeen, and therefore legally a child, ohohoho!" Garrus, meanwhile, poked the dead bodies like a toddler might poke an anthill, until Shepard called, "Dammit, Garrus! Get your fine ass over here and in this car!" The car was, of course, very cramped—and Shepard had to sit on Garrus's lap. Garrus was not pleased, but Shepard was obviously very enthused to be on top of Garrus. "Oh, Garrus, your rifle is so big!" Tali laughed obnoxiously, "Ohohoho! Is funny because she made a penile insinuation about his weapon! Ohohoho! Ohhh…"
Soon enough, they arrived at Ambassador Udina's office. Ambassador Udina was frantically running around the room, screaming, "Oh-em-gee, oh-em-gee! They shot up Chora's Den! Now where will I get drunk?!" Shepard rolled her eyes, and replied, "That's not important! Right now, we've got to get this quarian to the council! She's got her own demon magic that we can use against Saren!" Meanwhile, Garrus was staring straight at Tali, his mouth hanging open as he drooled. "By the gods, look at those chicken legs…" He muttered underneath his breath, eying the jailbait quarian up and down. Chicken legs were considered highly erotic amongst his people. A song began to play in the background of his mind… "Sex bomb, sex bomb, you're my sex bomb! You can give it to me when I need to come along! Sex bomb, sex bomb, you're my sex bomb! And baby, you can turn me on!" Everything seemed to slow down as Garrus finally worked up the courage to sprint towards Tali in slow motion, his arms open wide with the intent to surprise-sex the quarian. Tali, being completely oblivious, glanced at the corner of the ambassador's officee and asked, "Ooooh! What's that? It's shiny, I want it!" As she ran over to it, Garrus blinked, before realizing that he was now on a crash course towards Shepard, who had her arms open wide as well. "Nooooo! Nooo, nooo, nooooo!" He cried, ducking out of the way. "Sheeeeee'll kiiiiill uuuuus aaaaaall!" He said in slow motion, as he stumbled and lost control, falling off the balcony of the ambassador's office and into the water.
Immediately, Shepard lifted a sign that ranked how well Garrus had dived into the water. "Ten!" She exclaimed. Wrex lifted up a sign as well. "Nine." Finally, Udina lifted up his own sign. "Four!" Shepard glared at him, and a moment later, Udina was thrown off the balcony and into the water as well. "Ah! Cold water is cold!"
Author's Note: Hope you enjoyed the Pulp Fiction reference. XD