Killua couldn't stop checking his phone. His leg was bouncing, his entire body full of nervous energy.

He had another date with Gon tonight. It would be their fourth.

Goddammit, Killua was excited.

He liked Gon, a lot. Maybe more than he should. He learned lots of things that he liked about Gon over these past few months with him. He liked it when Gon smiled, when he laughed, when he caught Gon looking at him and Gon looked away with a slight blush. He liked that best.

Sometimes he'd get the creeping feeling that he didn't deserve Gon, and then Gon would go do something sweet, like he did during their third date, when he took Killua's hand, looked into Killua's eyes, leaned in...

And kissed him on the cheek.

Killua had blushed furiously, trying to stop the grin that was fighting its way onto his lips.

Tonight, though. Tonight, Killua would take the first step. He wanted to. He'd never moved this slowly in a relationship before. If it was okay with Gon, if Gon let him...

He checked his phone again.

He was already dressed and showered, had been for hours, and he was sitting on the couch, shaking in excitement and waiting for Gon to text him that he was there. He clenched and unclenched his hands as his heart raced.

Senritsu looked up from the sheet that she'd been working on, writing music as she was ought to do, and smiled at him.

"Killua, it's only 5:30. You agreed he'd be here in thirty minutes."

Killua stood. "I can't wait! I can't, I can't. I'm just-"

"I know, you're excited. It's good to see you like this Killua, cute even. I've never seen you like this before."

"I'm not cute, don't call me cute. Sheesh."

He smiled a little at Senritsu, who went back to writing her music. There was an unspoken "oh quiet you, you're adorable," hanging in the air as Killua threw himself down on the couch.

Killua Zoldyck was a very impatient man. That was something Gon already knew, as he was sure he'd displayed it in the past, and he was sure he'd get the full brunt of it when he arrived- Killua glanced at the clock- in thirteen minutes.

He had to wait for thirteen more motherfucking minutes.

So he closed his eyes and laid dormant on the couch until the gentle knock on the door rang through the house.

He sat up, blinking as his vision grayed for a few moments before launching himself off of the couch and to the door. He froze at the door.

Gon shouldn't see him look this eager, it could scare him away. Killua shut his eyes and took a few deep breaths, running a hand through his hair and straightening out his clothes. And then he grabbed the door knob.

He couldn't believe himself, he couldn't believe he was actually nervous. His eyes flickered to the door and he willed himself to open it.

"If you can't, I will," he heard Senritsu quip from her chair. Honestly.

He twisted the door knob and smiled at the teen awaiting on the other side.

Sweet mother of fuck, Gon looked nice in a hoodie. Killua stopped himself before his eyes slipped down Gon's entire body. Gon simply smiled at him. Of course, every smile Gon ever smiled was like a million suns congregating in the sky and threatening to melt Killua and-

Fuck. Why was he so embarrassing?

Gon held out his hand, and Killua took it.

They were walking by a river, hand in hand. Killua couldn't believe it, at all. He couldn't believe any of this.

He didn't deserve Gon, that was all he could think. He didn't deserve any of this, yet here he was.

Gon stopped, eyes fixed on the light's reflection in the water. Killua couldn't blame him. The city lights reflecting on the water were beautiful, ripples of white and yellow and blue. Gon's fingers tightened around his, and he felt the heat raise into his cheeks once again.

"Killua," Gon said, he sounded as though he was thinking, and thinking hard about something. Killua glanced over and found Gon looking at him once more. Those focused, determined hazel eyes were locked onto him, and Killua found he couldn't move, a deer in headlights.

He couldn't say anything, not when Gon was being so intense.

"Would it be okay," Gon took a step forward, and Killua's heart began racing, "if I kissed you?"

He froze, couldn't hear a thing. Apparently the two of them had similar thoughts about this date.

"Yeah," he nodded, "yeah, you can."

Gon smiled and got closer. Killua couldn't breath.

And then he did.

Gon's hand had traveled to his lower back while the other took refuge on the back of his neck.

In Killua's opinion, the kiss didn't last long enough. He'd had a taste, and he wanted more.

He wanted to feel Gon's lips again; he didn't care where, whether it was on his cheeks, his lips. He just wanted to feel them.

So he leaned forward and claimed Gon's mouth.

First, he would notice Gon's scent, he would notice Gon's taste, the way he felt. The way those arms wrapped around him and kept him close.

Sweet mercy, Gon was intoxicating.

He pulled away from Gon, once again.

They were taking it slowly, he remembered, and while he couldn't stand it, he felt that it worked for them.

He knew some things about Gon. Mostly about his childhood on Whale Island, and how his aunt had moved them when he was going into high school.

Gon knew things about him. About his own childhood, and his siblings. About Alluka, despite his father's want to keep her a secret. About his paintings and the old shed.

Gon smiled at him, taking his hand again.

"Do you want to go get something to eat?"

"We just came from dinner, Gon," he smiled and glanced at Gon as the teen began moving, pulling Killua along with him, down the path by the river.

"Yeah, but... I don't want you to go, yet, Killua."

Killua smiled, a slight blush forming. "B-baka. We don't need to be eating if you want me to stay. W-we could... Keep walking."

"Killua's so cute when he blushes."

He felt the blush intensify. "D-don't say things like that. It's embarrassing."

That comment didn't dissuade Gon, though. Gon beamed and pulled Killua close.

"Killua's sweet too, like candy. And his lips are really soft."

Killua couldn't control his blush anymore, he was sure that by now, his entire face was red. Gon hummed and tucked a white lock behind Killua's ear.

"Very cute."

He led them to a bench overlooking the river then, sitting down with Killua beside him, and their hands interwoven.

"Killua?"

Killua looked over at him, noticing how the amber eyes sang a different tune now.

"Yeah?"

Gon seemed hesitant, and Killua tried to reassure him by squeezing his hand.

"What were you really doing in that picture," Gon looked at him now, as he asked the question. Killua looked away, guilty because he really couldn't remember, sorry because he couldn't give Gon the one hundred percent accurate answer he wanted.

"Something stupid, probably."

He needed a distraction, something that swept away this pervasive heat he felt throughout his body. His fingers threaded through his hair as he curled up on the floor of his room.

He shouldn't. He really shouldn't.

The problem was that he knew where the pills were, he knew where he'd put them. But he never thought that he'd actually ever feel like he would need them to help him cope with a change.

Gon was a big change. The way he'd swept into Killua's life and thrown everything upside down. Had made him feel like for once in his life he could actually have something good...

Killua reached under his bed and pulled out a small black shoebox, something from something Senritsu had bought because they matched her favorite hat? Really, she only bought them because Alluka pressured her into it.

And he opened the box, a small plastic bag sat on the inside, in it a few little white pills, each individually marked with D.

He took out the bag and opened it, pulling one of the chalky white pills out. It had been a while since he'd last taken one. He'd gone through the more intense symptoms of withdrawal already. If he took another, it wouldn't hurt.

It was a split second decision of whether or not he wanted to take it.

But Senritsu... He looked over to the door, pushing himself off the ground and heading to the door, closing it, and locking it, before backing away and sitting back on the ground. He opened his hand, looking again at the little white pill.

Senritsu wouldn't find out, he could seriously lay down, go on a trip, and feel better.

But he already felt great. He felt amazing. Gon made him feel amazing, and he couldn't understand any of it. Any of these feelings, really.

Killua sat on his bed, before closing his eyes.

It was a bad idea, he knew that. Senritsu wouldn't forgive him if she found out. Kurapika would probably rip out his intestines and hang him with them. Leorio... he didn't really care what Leorio thought, but he'd probably be angry and worried...

And Gon? Killua didn't want to think about what Gon would think if he found out about the drugs. Maybe he already knew. Maybe Kurapika and Leorio had already told him, but if that was so then why?

'Why is he still around?'

'Why does he stay with me?'

'Why does he confuse me?'

'Why does he care?'

Killua drew his knees up to his chest, resting his head on them and held the pill at a distance.

He could take it, but would it help him figure out everything? Would it help him cope with the change? Did it ever really help him?

All it did for him was give him a big black spot in his memory that he couldn't remember no matter how hard he tried. All it did was leave him with bruises and scratches. And one day, he knew it could leave him with worse...

"You're flirty when you're high." Yeah, he was bait.

He crushed the little white pill in his hand, only Gon on his mind and blew the dust off of his hand and watched it float like dust through the air...

He wanted to change. God dammit, he wanted to change...

And then...

And then his heart froze.

His blue eyes widened, and his breathing shallowed.

There had been so much thought he'd put into it, and now... he was doubting himself. Doubting his decision.

He shouldn't have crushed it. He should have taken it.

He needed it.

Killua scrambled forward, nearly throwing himself off of his bed and reached toward the plastic bag. He had plenty more. Maybe six or so in this batch, he could go get more from Rammot when he ran out, he could-

'I shouldn't.'

'But what am I without it? I'm just some spoiled trust fund kid who's a plague to society.'

'Maybe with the drugs, but without them. You have Kurapika, Senritsu, Leorio. Gon's never seen you high, you don't need to be...'

'Then that's what I am. I'm just a spoiled kid.'

He fished a pill out of the bag and slipped it into his mouth.

There was a pounding knock at the door when he woke up. His brow immediately furrowed. It couldn't be Senritsu. Senritsu never banged on his door, not like this. Senritsu was always so gentle, even when she was mad at him.

Killua pushed himself up off the floor and glared at the door. His head was starting to hurt, but he expected that.

"Killua! You better open this door! Before... Before... Before Kurapika breaks it down!"

Leorio?

He stood and unlocked that door as another barrage of knocks threatened to splinter the wood.

After the knocks subsided once again, Killua opened the door, looking up at an angry Leorio and behind him, a straight-faced Kurapika. He couldn't decide which one was worse.

"You have a lot of explaining to do," Leorio said this with a frown, stepping back from the door. Killua nodded and waved the concern away with his hand as he walked past.

"I know, I know," he mumbled, nursing his head with a hand and walking into the living area of the apartment.

He didn't raise his eyes, they were barely open anyway, as he sat down.

"Killua."

His heart cracked at the sound of that gentle voice, so full of concern. Concern for him... And he didn't deserve any of it.

"What's going on? Leorio called me in a panic, told me to get down here, that Senritsu was worried about you. What happened?"

He took in a shaky breath. "Well. It, uh, started when I turned seventeen," he felt a hand on his shoulder, and ducked his head. He couldn't look up, he couldn't look up. "I was in the city, didn't know where the hell I was. I was a stupid rich kid with money in my pocket, and I hear this noise... down an alley... so I go look, to make sure nothing was happening. I-I was stupid. I was so stupid."

"Killua, you don't have to-"

"Kurapika and Leorio don't know what happened, I mean. Kurapika met me before I was all messed up, and still bright eyed. Gon, I... I want you to know. I want you to know what you have to deal with." Killua took another deep breath before continuing his story.

"I saw this guy down the alley, red leather jacket, tattoos on his face, the kind of guy you'd introduce your parents to. He was doing a deal, and I saw him. And he saw me. He didn't get mad or anything, he just waved me over. Said, 'hey, kid. Want to see something cool?' And he gave me the first one. For free, and I... I looked at it. Little white thing. Smelt it, thought maybe it was a mint or something. I was stupid, I was so stupid. I took it right then and there. That's when everything in my life collapsed."

He buried his head in his hands.

"It's okay," Gon said softly, his hands moving to Killua's waist, leaning forward and kissing him on the nose and resting their foreheads together. "Killua, I'm right here. I'll help you in any way that I can."

And Killua felt stupid for it, but he believed him.