WARNING: Hello everyone, before reading this chapter please note that the story is rated M for a reason. I just wanted to warn you as the content of this chapter might be disturbing for someone as it involves mild violence. The descriptions aren't too graphic, or at least I don't think they are...but it only seemed fair to let you know. Having said that, I really hope you enjoy it, it was hard to write it, but I really enjoyed it...and of course thanks for reading and reviewing! :)

Granger looked up, an annoyed expression on her face.

'Next time you should look at your own plate instead of staring at us the whole time, Malfoy'.

'I wasn't staring. It wasn't me who noticed your disgusting display anyway…I merely acknowledged the fact once it has been pointed out'.

'Well no one else took the trouble to bother me about it, though'.

'No one else is as outspoken as I am. I find it important to let you know how revolting you two were'.

'Again, Malfoy…no one told you to keep looking'.

'Oh please! As if I actually liked what I've seen! Regrettably the scene is still impressed upon my poor mind. Saint Potter and the Mudblood Whore. Could be the title of a horror fiction. I'd never have thought you'd take my advice so seriously and find someone so quickly. What did you offer him Granger? Did you pay him? What could anyone possibly see in an insignificant, pathetic and untalented filthy Mudblood? Not even Potter could possibly be that desperate for a shag' his face was twisting in anger. He wanted her to hurt. He wanted her to feel inadequate and useless. He wanted her to feel the weight of not being enough. He wanted her to feel his spite, he wanted her to know the extent of his loathing.

'Actually, now I see what you were doing. Occupying your rightful place. Beneath a wizard, with your legs sprawled. You Mudbloods are only good for one thing. And it clearly isn't performing magic'.

Granger was shaking. Her ears were red and her eyes were glistening. Draco felt way better. Every tear she shed, every hurtful glare she launched him was a sort of twisted medicine that helped him cure his battered Ego. She deserved all of it. He wished his friends could see him now. See how much he liked the filthy Mudblood. Fucking idiots.

Before he knew it she was on her feet, her finger pointed at him, trembling with anger and frustration. 'Leave me alone, Malfoy! If I'm such filth, then leave me the fuck ALONE! You sick bastard! You really don't give a shit if you hurt other people's feelings, do you? What is it, are you a sadist? Do you like to see other people hurting? I guess it's the only way you can get off, you perverted piece of shit' she hissed between tears.

All it took him was a moment. In the blink of an eye he was on her. He pushed her hard against the wall and her head cracked worryingly. He started choking her and she desperately gasped for air. Somewhere deep inside he knew it was wrong and sick but he couldn't stop.

'Shut up, you fucking bitch! What the fuck do you know about me? You don't know shit-all about fuck, you bloody fucking cunt!'

She was trashing and struggling to break free, but his grip was too strong. He was concentrating all his hate, his hurt and his fear of the future in his hands. Granger was panting and tossing, her face pale and her lips blueish…she was trying to pull his hands away from her throat, without success.

After a while she stopped fighting and went limp, so he slightly loosened his grip. This was enough and she finally managed to say 'I…can't…br…th' between chokes and tears, a terrified look on her face. And those eyes, those big, cinnamon, terrified and pleading eyes were enough to make him snap back to reality.

Those eyes, that would haunt him forever. The eyes of a person that thought she was about to die. At his hands. At his fucking hands. He nearly chocked her to death. He nearly fucking killed her.

He suddenly let her go and took several steps back, his face horror-struck and his hands shaking. What had he done? What the fuck had he done?

Granger was shaking, and as soon as he let her go her legs collapsed and she unceremoniously fell down to the ground. She was still trembling and crying, her hands massaging her throat, where, Draco noticed, the red marks his fingers had left were more than visible.

He felt sick, a severe and intense sensation of nausea pervading him. He played the scene in his mind and he saw her eyes. The complete and utter terror and the silent plea in those brown, teary eyes. Her expression. Her face. Resigned, terrified. Like a trapped animal that knew its time was coming. Her fucking eyes.

His head was spinning and he couldn't feel his legs nor his face. His hands unconsciously went to his cheeks, to make sure his face was actually still there, and much to his surprise it was wet with tears.

It was all too much. Granger on the floor shaking, his stomach upside down, tears running down his cheeks and, he realised with utter disgust, his cock rock hard. What…?!

She was right. He was a perverted bastard. A fucking perverted piece of shit. He nearly fucking killed a-a-fuck it!... a bloody person. And still he had been turned on.

Much to his relief as soon as he realised that, his erection disappeared.

It was sick. Sick sicksicksick. And wrong.

Totally fucking wrong.

It was all too much to take, so he just bent over and violently vomited his dinner on the Library floor.

He then moved a few steps and just collapsed on the floor next to Granger.

'G-Granger…I-I am…fuck…I don't k-know what…' he couldn't even form a coherent sentence, for Merlin's sake!

The girl looked up, her face a blotchy mess. Her lips trembling and her nose running.

He instinctively reached out to touch her, to comfort her? Of all things. And she violently jerked away.

'Don't touch me! Stay the fuck away from me, you fucking monster!' she hissed between sobs. And he really couldn't blame her.

Granger swearing. She nearly never swore. It was unsettling, and she must have been really upset and pissed off. Well, naturally she was. Who bloody wouldn't?

'Granger…look I-I am sorry. I don't know what got into me, I wasn't thinking. I would never have…' but he trailed off, realising how hypocritical it all must have sounded. Because the truth was that he nearly…fuck.

'I'm a fucking bastard. I'm sorry, really sorry Hermione'.

And at the sound of her first name the girl looked up again, staring him straight in the eyes. She was scared, yet furious.

'Fuck you Draco. You don't get to say my first name. You don't get to say my first name and think things will be alright. You nearly fucking choked me to death, you loathsome evil twisted snake! You need a fucking Therapist. I've always known you were a bigoted bastard, but this? You nearly killed me. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't breathe, you idiot! Do you have any idea how scared I was? I thought you wouldn't…oh God, I thought you wouldn't stop! And you aren't sorry, you don't get to say you are sorry and think you can amend what you've done with an empty five letters word!' and she started crying harder than before.

He really was at a loss for words.

Yes, he knew how scared she was. He fucking knew. And what scared him the most was that he too thought he wouldn't stop. For a second he didn't want to. And the bloody erection? Shit. What did that make him?

'What were you trying to do? Kill the Mudblood? One less to go?'

'Granger, you can't say that. You can't honestly think I did it because you-'

'Shut up! Just shut up! I can't say what? I can't say that you are a bigoted, prejudiced little shit that enjoys tormenting Muggleborns? Because hey, I thought that's exactly what you were!'

'You can't honestly think I did it on purpose, Granger!' he pleaded her.

'Oh, so your hands found my neck on their own accord and started fucking strangling me without you wanting to? Is this what you're trying to say Malfoy?'

'Obviously not, I meant that…that I wasn't all there, I didn't realise what I was doing until I saw your eyes and I realised how scared you were and how fucking wrong it all was…you might not trust me, but please, believe me. I didn't mean to harm you'.

'Sure you didn't' she said grudgingly.

And she was right. Oh so right. He did mean to harm her. His last thought before launching himself at her throat had been 'I want her to hurt' and Merlin he did. She was shaken and her face was ashen. And yes, she was a Mudblood, but for fuck's sake he nearly fucking murdered her!

'Wh-what happens now then?' he asked sheepishly.

'Scared of being expelled, Malfoy?' she asked almost defiantly.

Yes. Yes he was scared. But not of being expelled, no. That would only be fair. He was scared because he nearly killed another person. An annoying, self-righteous person, but a person nonetheless. He was scared because a sick, unconscious, twisted part of him had actually enjoyed it. The power. The control. How was he supposed to deal with that? He just wanted to forget about it. Pretend it never happened. But he couldn't forget. He would remember the terrified look on her face. Her silent plea. Her tears. He would remember it every time he'll see her.

'Concerned, yeah. Scared…no. It would only be…reasonable' he admitted.

'I won't report you, Malfoy' she sighed.

It took his mind a few moments to process what she'd just said.

'You…won't?'

He didn't understand. It was her occasion of getting rid of him, and she had all the reasons to want him expelled. If tables were turned, he would report her. And realising that made him only feel worse.

'No. I will not'.

He couldn't believe his ears, she could tell that much. Hermione was still shaking and couldn't stop a steady flow of tears from falling down her cheeks. She still couldn't believe that Draco Malfoy nearly choked her in the Library. He was a prejudiced idiot, but she'd never have thought him capable of something like that. He clearly wasn't in his right mind. She could still picture his eyes, glazed and distant. His face, twisted in anger. She could even still feel his hands on her throat. He should be reported, she knew it. Oh Merlin an hex, she could have dealt with…but a physical attack? No. That, she didn't expect. That, she didn't know how to deal with.

'But…why?'

Yeah, why indeed. She should rush to McGonagall's office, report the sick bastard and have him expelled straight away. She should, but she didn't want to. Why? Because she was the better person. Because she was Hermione Granger, and she believed in second chances, even when it came to people like Draco Malfoy, who was, with every chance, that far from being beyond redemption. Because she could see how utterly disgusted with himself he was, and how horrified he looked once he actually realised what he'd done. Because she could still see him, retching on the Library floor and shaking violently. Because she simply wasn't someone like…him.

'Because people like me would do something like that, even for people like you'.

Even for people like him.

'I…I-I don't know what to say'.

'Then don't say anything. And stay away from me. The fact that I'm not willing to report you doesn't mean that I'm OK with what you've done. I'm not OK. I'm disgusted and scared, and angry. This decision doesn't make things OK, Malfoy. Your "apology" doesn't make things OK at all'.

'Yeah, I guessed that much…' he said ashamedly.

She still couldn't process what had happened properly, but what surprised her the most was the steadiness in her voice. What really stunned her was her firm will not to give in to the turmoil of emotions threatening to take control over her rational self.

'I just wanted to make it clear'.

He nodded and got on his feet. His vomit was still on the floor. Thank Merlin Madame Pince wasn't around that night. Thank Merlin? She should have hoped for Madame Pince to come and save her. And yet, after realising what he'd done he had looked so vulnerable, so scared…and she pitied him. Because he had always been sheltered from real life. His family made sure the only thing he grew up certain of, was how to hate whoever was different. She kept looking at him while he scourgified the floor and his clothes and moved away, so that she could leave. He looked so helpless it nearly scared her. Of all the things Malfoy had always been…well, helpless had never been one of them.

Hermione took a deep breath and moved forward. Malfoy was looking at the Library floor when she passed him.

A shiver ran down her spine at the thought of his hands on her throat. At the thought of still being so close to the boy who nearly strangled her to death.

But she'd taken her decision, and she wasn't going to take it back now. She would not be scared of Draco bloody Malfoy. He wouldn't be given that satisfaction.

She was about to leave when he spoke again.

'I wanted you to hurt' he whispered.

'This is what shocks me the most, Granger. For a moment, there…I wanted you to really hurt. I…I-fuck I don't know what happened to me'

She was half-shocked by his confession and wasn't sure why he would expose himself to such an extent. Wasn't what happened bad enough?

Still, for once in his life he wasn't acting like a coward. He was taking responsibility for his actions, he was telling her the truth. A scary, revolting truth.

She couldn't find an appropriate answer. What was he expecting her to do? Thank him for stopping in time? Telling him he wasn't a monster? She couldn't do that, so she just told him the first thing that came to her mind. Not that it wasn't true.

'Living like you do….I find it sad, you know. Goodnight, Malfoy'.

She left him there, his mouth open in disbelief.

She wandered the corridors until she found an empty classroom. She had to heal the red marks on her neck before going back to Gryffindor Tower, otherwise Draco Malfoy would with all certainty suffer a very painful death at the hands of her best friends. And she needed time to think. Alone.

Draco was heading towards his dormitory when he heard Blaise calling him 'Hey…Draco!'

Not now. Please. Not now.

He was a complete and utter mess, his clothes scruffy and his face red and flushed. His red eyes would be a dead giveaway. Dead. Deadly. Death. Granger. Shit, he had to leave. He wasn't ready to face Blaise, who could be a prick, but most certainly wasn't an idiot. He'd notice something was off straight away. He couldn't be seen like that. Dishevelled and out of control. He was Draco Malfoy, he couldn't afford it.

Without turning around he answered 'Not now, Blaise. I'm off to bed' with what he hoped was a neutral tone.

Forlorn hope, as Blaise wasn't fooled. He was a Slytherin, after all.

'You stubborn git! Stop for a second!' he said grabbing his arm and forcing him to turn around.

He looked down, at his feet and said 'Blaise, I want to go to bed, please.'

'Since when do you plead?' he answered raising an eyebrow.

'Blaise, I'm not telling you again. Not now'

Then he made a mistake. He looked up. And his friend saw his messy face. There would be no getting away now.

'What the fu-'

'Don't. I'm going to bed now. End of discussion'

'You're not going anywhere. Not before telling me what the fuck happened to you'.

And Draco knew he was as stubborn as a bloody Hippogriff and it was no use trying to avoid him.

'Nothing I'm willing to discuss'

'I've never, since I met you years ago, seen you in such a messy state. Now, you have two options. Either you tell me what on Earth happened to put the posed, cool Draco Malfoy that I know in such a state, or I'm going to fucking force it out of you. And it won't be pleasant. Plus, as I am no fool and I know where you were and who you in all likelihood met there, you can skip the part where you try to convince me that this has nothing to do with Granger, and jump straight to the part where you tell me the truth'.

Fuck.

'We had a…fight'

Fucking wonderful way to put it.

'You always do, but I've never seen you come back with that look on your face'.

'It was a big fight'.

Really? A big fight? Was it the best he could come up with? For Merlin's sake.

'Draco…' he warned him.

'Yeah, that's my name'. He might as well play it cool.

'Is it too much to ask you why are you acting so curiously?'

'I'm mad'.

Blaise was about to retort but Draco interrupted him. He felt a wave of shame and anger surge and he couldn't bring himself to stop.

'I'm fucking mad at you because all of a sudden you question my beliefs. Mad at my bloody father because he told me I ought to feel superior and apparently I have no reasons to feel so, according to you at least. Mad at fucking Potter because he's supposedly always doing the right thing and he can always make me look like an idiot, no matter what. Mad at Granger because she's so unnervingly the best at all she does, always being the bigger, better person. Mad at Weasley because he can be friends with whoever he wants to and he doesn't care being labelled as a blood traitor, while I couldn't even decide who I wanted to hang around with. My father decided for me…so I ended up with Crabbe and Goyle. I've spent the past six years dealing with those two…and you know they're as dumb as a bloody boggart! It took me six bloody years to realise I'd rather hang around with you and Theo! How ridiculous is that? And last but not least I'm mad at myself because I can't even bring myself to choose your lifestyle. I can't confront my family, I can't rebel. I just can't and I know I will end up with a bloody Mark on my left arm, or even worse…I'll die fighting! And the worst thing about it all is that I don't want to change. I don't want to fail my father. There's nothing that will change that. Not one thing'.

Blaise was still grabbing his arm, an astounded look on his face.

'Draco, what the hell happened in the Library?'

'I nearly fucking killed her, Blaise! Happy now? Is this what you wanted to hear? I physically assaulted her and nearly fucking chocked her to death! I'm a fucking monster! I nearly killed her and for a tiny moment I enjoyed it. I'm disgusting'.

'You…you what?!' even Blaise didn't know what to say.

'We were fighting, and she told me the only way I was able to fucking get off was while torturing others. And I lost it. I just lost it and I nearly strangled her' he sighed without looking at his friend.

'Draco…fuck'.

'Yeah, I'm a fucking mess'.

'Shit. Has she reported you yet?'

'Now, this you're going to like. She said she's not going to'.

'She what?'

'Apparently people like her do stuff like this for people like me. My ass saved by a bloody Mudblood, would you bloody believe it'.

'How can you still call her a Mudblood after…this?'

'Well, that's what she is'.

'You just said you were disgusted by your actions, Draco. You said you are a monster…and yet you call the girl…a Mudblood?'

'I don't see how the two things are connected'

'You what?'

'I do not see ho-'

'I heard you all right. I was just giving you the chance to change your answer'.

'Well, why should I? Yes, I did say I was disgusted. I did call myself a monster. But I fail to see how this should change the fact that Granger is and always will be a Mudblood'.

'You're a nutcase'.

'Don't go all weird on me now, Blaise'.

'I'm not going all weird on you, you self-righteous idiot. I'm just trying to understand, and failing to so far, what exactly your problem is. Is her life worth less because she's a Mudblood? Is this what you are trying to say? Because, by how you put it, it really looks like this is what you're saying'.

'This is not what I said…and she wouldn't be any less dead if I didn't manage to stop. There's no point in dwelling on this or crying over spilled milk' he added trying to change the bloody subject. She wouldn't be any less dead if…and another wave of nausea hit him with full force. Shit. What if he really didn't manage to stop? Shitshitshit. He knew what he'd done was sick, but really admitting it was a whole different story.

'This is exactly what you said. Draco, for crying out loud…she is a person! She is a girl. How having Muggle parents automatically means she's any less deserving of living? Fuck, this is sick!'

Yeah, it was sick.

'I-I don't think she should be…dead. I just think she shouldn't be here in the first place. Of course she deserves to live, Blaise! Who do you take me for? Who would wish someone else's death at his own hands?'

'Here's a piece of news for you, Draco. Your father would have killed her. You dear Aunt Bella would have killed her. Your bloody Dark Lord would have killed her. Not to mention the torture that would have certainly preceded her death. This is what they do, you know. They don't just wish people's death. They kill people. They would kill Granger on the spot just because of her blood status. They would actually kill her for something she isn't even responsible for! What if one day the Dark Lord wakes up thinking "I'm tired of killing Mudbloods. I'll start killing blondes instead, because they are different from me, and they deserve to die for that" What would you do then? Tell me…would that be a good enough reason to kill people? Because, as crazy as it must sound to your bigoted ears, this is exactly the same thing as killing someone because of his or her heritage'.

'This is the stupidest example I've ever h-'

'Is it, though? Open your eyes Draco. This is what you're signing up for. And if I weren't too interested in living for more than a couple more years, I swear I would love to be there to witness how pathetically you would fail. Look at you, you are a mess. You stink of vomit and you can't even look me in the eyes. And this for nearly Killing someone. What do you think you would be asked to do? Make tea for the prisoners and braid their bloody hair? Honestly, did you ever stop to think about what people like you do to people like her? And spare me the part where you call me a coward or throw the fact that I have "betrayed our values" in my face, because I'm honestly not taking any more of your shit. I've told you already, this is not a good enough reason to kill for. This is not a good enough reason to sell my soul to a madman…and most probably die because a hypocritical Halfblood snake says I ought to weed out the world so that Purebloods can feel better about themselves!'

Draco was speechless. He didn't even want to hear any of it. He didn't need to be lectured, he didn't want to dwell on what his friend just so passionately pointed out. He didn't want to think of Granger as an equal. Because that would just make things worse. Because then the guilt and shame for his actions would be too much to bear. Because then he would really crack, and he clearly was fucked up enough already. Shit. He was a failure. How was he supposed to follow his father's footsteps when nearly chocking a Mudblood put him in such a state? And what about the small part of him that was turned on by the violence? It scared the shit out of him. It was revolting. He was revolting. And Blaise had a point, a point that he wasn't and probably will never be ready to hear.

'I..I-' What could he honestly say?

'Save yourself the trouble of retorting Draco. I find it so…sad that you actually believe you don't have a choice. Because I refuse to think you really, truly, deeply believe in all that shit'.

Sad. That word again.

'Sorry to disappoint you, Blaise'.

And he really was, sorry. But what else could he say? Who else could he be? This was the only thing he knew. The only thing that felt safe.

'Let go of me Blaise. I want to go to sleep now'.

'Sure you do, and while at that think about what you've done. This isn't normal Draco. I'm no saint, I'm not a bloody hero. But…this is not sane'.

Enough. Enough guilt, enough fucked-upness.

'Goodnight Blaise'.

He parted without looking at his friend's face. He didn't need to take a bloody look to know what he would find there. What he did need though, was some rest.

When he finally managed to sneak under the blankets he couldn't wait to just sleep. He turned the torchlight off with a movement of his wand, which he then put on his night stand. In the dark there was no escaping from the thoughts that threatened to break him. He tried to sleep, he tried really hard.

But all he could see were her eyes.

Hermione was sitting on the floor of an empty classroom. It was past curfew, thank Merlin she was a Prefect, otherwise she would have been in trouble.

On the journey from the Library she kept shaking. Malfoy wasn't there, in front of her, so she could surrender to the emotions. The fear, the relief. The utter disgust. And the pity. The pity that she really didn't want to feel, but couldn't help to anyway.

He could have killed her. Or worse.

Because Hermione Granger might be inexperienced, but she wasn't naïve. While trashing and trying to break free…or at least to get to her wand, she felt…him.

It was unsettling and sickening, it was filthy. Did he really enjoy hurting her that much? Was he that far gone?

She was lost in her thoughts when the classroom door opened. She had been so shaken that she forgot something as simple as a Locking Charm. And now someone would see her dishevelled state and her red-rimmed eyes, and she honestly was in no mood to give explanations or make up poor lies.

Of all the people that could have crossed that threshold though…well he was one of the last she had expected to see.

'Granger?'

'Nott'