Marla stood at the bar and watched Janeway make her entrance. Immediately, the engineer began to execute her retreat. She thanked Commander Chakotay again for having called Sandrine over to serve her and he smiled and offered to help whenever she needed a refill. Her own fruitless attempts to get a drink had left her standing at the bar for close to ten minutes. Not that it had been an unpleasant ten minutes.
She re-joined her crewmates and assumed her former position, standing slightly behind the chair on which Angelo Tassoni was seated. Noah Lessing was just making his way back from the bar as well, carrying two drinks. He moved past her to stand on the other side of Angelo and handed one of the glasses to a smaller man Marla recognised from Noah's section, but whose name she didn't yet know. The two men began to converse, while Marla rested one hand on the back of Angelo's chair and sipped her wine. She was content just to stand there for a moment and take in the scene. It was amazing there was anyone left to run the ship, it was so crowded in here. Clearly the success of the mission to expose the impersonators had left the crew in high spirits. Everyone she could remember meeting on Voyager seemed to be there, apart from Commander Tuvok and Seven of Nine.
From this vantage point, Marla was easily able to follow Janeway's progress across the room. She watched the Captain move in to adopt the same stance at the bar in the space next to Chakotay that she herself had just vacated. Except Janeway stood closer to him. Marla watched the first officer's gaze linger over his captain's upper body as Janeway took off her jacket and arranged it over the back of his chair. He was clearly visible in profile, and although Marla could only see the back of Janeway's head, she suspected the woman was oblivious to the covert wanderings of her first officer's eyes. Marla continued to observe as the two of them exchanged a few more words and Janeway placed her hand on his shoulder. He was watching his captain's face now, his attention rapt, almost basking in her presence. The power Janeway wielded over him – unrelated to any authority conferred by the command structure - was obvious to Gilmore even at this distance. She wondered if Voyager's captain had any idea of the pull she still had over her first officer's heart. It also occurred to Marla that if Janeway was aware of it, it might be hard for her to resist the temptation to use that unprofessional power at times when he didn't see eye to eye with her on professional issues.
Marla had been unsurprised the first time she had overheard someone imply that at one time there had been more than friendship between Janeway and Chakotay. That they were good friends seemed self-evident; that there could be more between them during their off-duty hours didn't require much stretch of the imagination at all. The longer they were stuck out here, the more likely it became that the crew would eventually start to pair off. So, unless Janeway had decided to do without real intimacy for the rest of her life, Marla presumed Chakotay would have featured pretty high up on any list of possibilities Janeway might have compiled for herself, and vice versa.
Subsequently, Marla had heard Chell refer to how close the command team had once been and then she had heard him go on to contrast it to how 'bad' things were between them now. It was at that point that she had been surprised. Her position in engineering meant she didn't come into contact with Janeway and Chakotay together all that often, but if this was 'bad', then she had wondered what on earth 'good' must have looked like. 'Bad' seemed to involve an impressive level of communication, an almost telepathic ability to anticipate each other's thoughts and finish each other's sentences when assessing a problem in engineering, and a shared practice of injecting the occasional note of humour into stressful situations – something that had been sorely lacking on the Equinox. Marla had never witnessed Chakotay question Janeway's orders, and had never seen Janeway dismiss his views in the way that Max Burke had taken to dismissing Ransom's in the final weeks of their 'shared command'. She saw more of Chakotay than she did of Janeway, as he dealt with personnel issues and he frequented engineering for both work and social reasons, and in all these months she had never once picked up on or overheard anything whatsoever that implied there were difficulties between the first officer and his captain.
To her, Janeway and Chakotay's behaviour only served to throw further into relief the chaos amid which she'd been forced to operate on the Equinox. If only Ransom and Burke could have retained the respect for the command structure that was alive and well on Voyager, then things might have been different. It had been their lax practices that had made it so easy for Max to undermine Rudy's authority and lead them down the path to the particular hell they had eventually made for themselves.
Very soon after meeting Janeway and Chakotay, Marla had been interested in determining for herself the exact nature of their off-duty relationship. The Commander had been her saviour. He had come to her rescue. His had been the first new face she had seen, and it had made quite an impression. She had replayed in her head many times over the moment when he had pulled the wreckage away and held out his hand towards her. During the short space of time that she had believed that they would be able to join forces with Voyager and would be accepted by this new crew, Marla had already begun to entertain the possibility of new friendships. And at one point those warm brown eyes had set her mind wandering down another path as well - one that led to the possibility of more than friendship with the ship's first officer.
There had been no one on board the Equinox with whom she would have considered entering into an intimate relationship. The only time she'd really thought seriously about relationships at all since they'd left the Alpha Quadrant had been during those few short weeks they'd spent with the Ponea. The Deputy Advisor for Extra Planetary Affairs had caught her eye and he had picked up on her interest instantaneously – Ponea culture was very welcoming and inclusive in such matters. Ransom hadn't objected to anyone finding diversion or comfort wherever they could, so there'd been no reason not to follow through. But that was a long time ago now. During the final months on the Equinox, their existence had been so desperate, as they tried to hold the ship together and find food and fuel, that any other considerations had been completely irrelevant. Consequently, it had been a very welcome development for Marla when the first face she encountered from this attractive, well-built, fully functional ship, happened to belong to a man who seemed to possess some similar qualities.
It had been a short-lived fantasy, however. Once the nature of the experiments they'd been involved in had been exposed, she had immediately abandoned any hope that the attraction she felt for the Commander could ever be mutual. She had felt certain he would never understand. A few months down the line, his friendliness to all five of them had caused her to re-evaluate her initial assessment of him. But by this point, she had already observed him several times with his captain, both on and off duty, and Marla suspected that there was only one woman on this ship who would ever command his affections.
As to whether or not Janeway reciprocated his feelings, Marla had no idea. She was still very much in awe of Janeway and always felt incredibly awkward in her presence. It was obvious to Marla that Voyager's captain was an inspiring leader, creative in her thinking, incisive, brilliant and beautiful to boot, and she had the respect of her entire crew. Marla found herself daydreaming once, during a quiet shift, that she would do something so noteworthy and heroic that she would redeem herself in her new captain's eyes. Almost immediately the daydream unfolded, Marla had laughed at herself. As if. Janeway's avoidance of the Equinox five had already become apparent. Voyager's captain would only ever tolerate their presence. Marla felt quite sure that she was one of the last five people on the ship who would ever know Janeway as anything other than her commanding officer. Consequently, she didn't entertain any expectation of being able to develop an insight into the woman's personal life.
There was another reason she always felt awkward with Janeway as well – one that had nothing to do with events in this quadrant and everything to do with home. Not only did Kathryn Janeway bear a slight physical resemblance to Alexandra Gilmore, Marla's eldest sister, but also, time and again, Janeway would do or say something or just look at someone in a way that would remind Marla of her strong, successful elder sister.
Having to deal with this unexpected reminder of family here of all places was extremely disconcerting. Sometimes, when she watched Janeway address the crew, Marla's memories of Alexandra's tenacity would surface - of the way her sister could seem driven to succeed regardless of the odds. It felt even more unnerving and paradoxical since the woman who reminded her constantly of the person she was closest to in the whole galaxy, was a woman who could barely stand to be in the same room as her. Janeway's obvious abhorrence of Marla's actions had given Marla the quite irrational feeling that Alexandra already knew what she'd done and had already condemned her. She also found herself reminded of how articulate Alexandra was and of the sway her opinions always seemed to have with their family and friends.
Alexandra had been the only member of Marla's family who could ever stand up to their overbearing bully of a father. When their mother's debilitating illness reduced the once active woman to a pair of watery eyes that begged for release from the slow torture that her life had become, their father never tired of pointing out that even a few years ago she would have died within days. He was forever reminding their mother that rather than complaining, (which she never actually did) she should be thankful that she was one of the first to benefit from the ground-breaking new treatments he was determined she undergo. Alexandra was the only one who could silence him and the only one who had finally succeeded in forcing him to consult his wife properly before committing her to yet more 'treatment'.
It was supposed to be impossible to contract an alien infection on Risa – especially an infection apparently native to the Gamma Quadrant like this one - but that was exactly what had happened to Marla's mother on the last vacation she had ever taken. Marla had been overwhelmed by the whole on-going ordeal and had been relieved when her work had taken her back into space. Alexandra had put her own life on hold and taken charge, determined to ensure their mother was allowed to live out whatever remained of her life on her own terms.
Before Marla left on her last mission, she and her sister had spoken at length and Alexandra had shocked Marla with the news that her partner of ten years had left her. She had mentioned a few months before how 'bad' things were between them, but Marla hadn't thought she'd meant her partner was on the verge of giving up on their relationship and moving out.
So when Marla overheard Chell lamenting how 'bad' things were between the command team, and how their romance hadn't been able withstand everything life out here had thrown at them, Marla had once again been struck by how Janeway always seemed to remind her of her sister somehow. Marla had then tactfully enquired what Chell meant exactly. She was a good listener, skilled at encouraging others to share, and the rotund Bolian seemed more than willing to talk - even to her - about his leaders and their 'special relationship'.
According to Chell, it was common knowledge that the Maquis captain had been captivated by Kathryn Janeway from early on in Voyager's journey and some sections of the crew presumed a relationship between them had begun at that time. Then, at the end of their second year in the Delta Quadrant, the command team had been quarantined alone together on an isolated planet for almost three months. Voyager folklore held that it was their forced attempts to appear overly professional with each other on their return to the ship that had confirmed once and for all the existence of their intimate relationship. Chell maintained that it wasn't until they clashed over the Borg over a year later that they had begun to drift apart. After that things between them had gradually deteriorated further until they had finally hit rock bottom when they encountered the Equinox. Chell had informed her the consensus was that these days they were no longer romantically involved.
Marla began to wonder if that might be true when it became common knowledge that Janeway had found herself a holographic boyfriend in the Fair Haven simulation – surely not something she would need to do if she still had the services of her first officer at her disposal?
That was a while ago now though and the Fair Haven program was no longer up and running, and in the last week or two Marla had begun to notice the sort of behaviour between her commanding officers that might well have started the rumour mill turning all those years ago. Whenever they conferred in engineering - listening to a report or to a sales pitch from an alien touting some new device - invariably Janeway and Chakotay would unconsciously align themselves, the Commander slotting himself in immediately behind his captain, well inside her personal space like a protective wall, ready to back her up both literally and figuratively.
Now, as Marla inconspicuously observed them at the bar, the Commander looked over towards the table around which she and her fellow crewmembers were grouped. She couldn't imagine his gaze was being directed at them with any particular focus however, not when he had his captain all to himself, and within seconds his eyes were back on Janeway's face.
The past week, Marla had noticed them eating together more regularly and chatting over their meals with what looked to her like relaxed familiarity. On one such occasion, Marla had witnessed his face light up in response to something Janeway said, revealing a side to him that she'd never seen before. Regardless of whether the Captain returned his feelings, Marla was growing more convinced that Janeway had to be aware of his continued and increasingly obvious partiality. Anyone looking at him this evening couldn't fail to see it, surely? If things had really been 'bad' between them when she'd first arrived on the Voyager, perhaps they were in the process of improving now?
Marla was indulging in such idle speculation as she watched Janeway lean in to say something directly into Chakotay's ear. Then Janeway turned away from the bar, and it was a few seconds before Marla made sense of what she was seeing. Janeway was heading purposefully towards their table. It was too late to escape. James Morrow and Brian Sofin were sitting across from Angelo and Chell, with a clear view of the bar area, and Marla glanced over and caught James's eye. His expression betrayed his surprise and confusion, bordering on alarm. For a split second Marla found herself daring to hope that the Captain might be heading his way, or towards another of the table's occupants, but when she looked back up, she could already feel Janeway's eyes on her.
Marla sighed. It appeared the Captain wasn't done with her. After last night, the engineer had vowed that she would try and avoid being alone again with Janeway whenever possible. She just didn't feel strong enough yet to endure more of Janeway's obvious contempt. Marla inhaled deeply and steeled herself for another uncomfortable interaction, attempting a welcoming smile as the Captain came to stand in front of her.
"Captain, good evening." Marla was surprised by the look of uncertainty on Janeway's face.
"Good evening. I hope I'm not intruding. I wonder if I could have a word with you? If you don't mind."
"Of course."
"Look, I'll get straight to it - I wanted to apologize for yesterday."
Marla knew her surprise must have been evident. She felt flustered as she searched for an appropriate reply. "Really, there's no need, there's nothing to-"
"I think there is. I'm sorry I didn't give you a better answer to your question about the future and the reception that'll await you in the event of our return. I wanted to explain."
Their eyes met, and Marla couldn't look away. "Really Captain, you don't have to explain yourself to me."
Janeway tilted her chin a fraction to the left and back just before she replied.
"Yes. I do. I owe you a proper, reasoned reply. And if you don't mind, I'd like you to hear me out." Both the mannerism and the sentiment – the unwillingness to settle for anything less than honesty - reminded Marla so much of her sister Alexandra once again. It was as if she could almost feel her sister's presence beside her, and it threw Marla even further off balance momentarily so that all she could do was nod.
Janeway continued. "There are several reasons why it's a hard question to answer. For a start, I haven't discussed it in detail yet with my senior officers and secondly, as a result of that, I haven't decided what requests or recommendations I intend to make concerning the five of you."
Janeway paused and Marla wondered if she was expecting a response, so she forced herself to produce one, unsure of what she was going to say even as she heard the words coming out of her mouth. "I understand. I'm not sure what to ask for yet myself. At the moment, I suppose I still feel like it's a certainty that we'll face a court martial."
"That's a possibility, I know, but it's far from the only one."
Janeway's penetrating gaze rooted Marla to the spot. She felt at that moment as if Janeway herself had the power to decide her fate.
The Captain went on, articulate as ever, despite her obvious discomfort, "Then, thirdly, your question reminded me of other difficult discussions that await us on our return. You aren't the only one whose behaviour will be scrutinised and who will have to answer for their actions."
Janeway looked down at the glass in her hand for a moment and paused before continuing. "Then, there's the status of the former Maquis. You must know that almost a third of the crew were former Maquis serving under Commander Chakotay. What will happen to them will also be a matter of negotiation, I presume. When you asked me what would happen to you, I should have explained these things to you; told you that I honestly don't know what will happen to the five of you, any more than I know what will happen to any of them. But what I do know is that I will argue that your service aboard Voyager be taken into account. And I'll provide evidence of all you've accomplished on this ship and I'll argue on your behalf that it should count for something when decisions about your future are made."
Now that she had finished speaking, Janeway seemed to become aware of their surroundings again and of the incongruous setting she had chosen for this most serious of conversations. Marla had never seen the woman appear so self-conscious and uncomfortable; there wasn't even a hint of the dismissive tone that had infused her voice the previous evening. Marla searched for something to say, desperate to acknowledge how much she appreciated Janeway's humility, and how much it meant to her to follow a captain with such high standards of personal integrity, but before she had a chance to speak Janeway began again.
"I'm sorry to bring this up here, when you're off-duty and I imagine you're eager not to think about any of it, but I thought it might put right a little of what went wrong last night, and I hoped it might improve your evening."
"Thank you, Captain. I'm glad you did." Marla's smile was genuine. "I'm glad we had this conversation and you're right; it has improved my evening already. It means a lot to me to know that you think our service on board Voyager should be taken into consideration, and that you're prepared to argue that on our behalf. I intend to do all I can to justify your decision to give me this second chance."
"I don't doubt it." Janeway returned the smile. Then Marla watched as the Captain looked past her to the man standing on the other side of Angelo's chair. Janeway's expression changed subtly. She licked her lips and swallowed. After a few seconds only, her voice came again. "And now, if you'll excuse me, I need to speak to Crewman Lessing."
"Of course." Marla stepped back to allow Janeway to pass. Then the engineer edged slightly further away to afford them some privacy. Noah looked uncomfortable enough already, so Marla tore her eyes away from them, and allowed her gaze to stray over the crowded room. As she did so, she found herself smiling and she was finally able to relax a little. Almost immediately, the conversation of the last five minutes began to come back to her, Janeway's words and phrases already replaying themselves in her mind.
For the first time since beaming aboard seven months ago, Marla began to entertain the possibility that, one day, there might come a time when she would feel like she actually belonged on board this ship.
[The end]